Aug 29, 2018
Aug 28, 2018
Aug 27, 2018
Fake News Classics: Alan Jackson Seeks Embarrassing Dud for Next Album
I recently received a file from CM Wilcox of the former Country California that includes all my old fake news posted at that dearly departed site. Some of them aren't relevant anymore or don't make sense to repost, but from time to time, I'll be posting some of those stories for your reading enjoyment or annoyance. Here's one.
Alan Jackson Seeks Embarrassing Dud for Next Album
Originally posted on Country California, Tuesday, January 05, 2010
As lead single "It's Just That Way" hits select radio stations, Alan Jackson has made an open call for a particular song type to fill out the track listing on his next studio album.
"Well shucks," said the long tall Georgian, "we were doing a final listen through of all the tracks to determine the song order for the new record and noticed something strange. All the songs were devoid of awkward 'hip' phrases, bad near-rhymes, strange metaphors, dopey technology references and lines that would sound corny or dated by next year. I grabbed Keith (Stegall, his producer) and told him, 'Doggone man, we've gotta open up a slot!'"
To that end, Jackson has announced that single song submissions will be accepted through January 31, 2010 for a possible cut on his late spring release.
"I could write one myself, but I'm a little burned out on songs about not liking to wear sandals and I can't think of any more not-that-clever ways to say I'm a simple man, so I wanted to invite fans and fellow writers to submit their own turds," laughed Jackson. "I don't know, maybe something about that Kenya West fella or something?"
The near-legendary traditionalist country singer has a stellar record of classic songs during his twenty year career, but has made sure to give a little something back to the undiscerning fan on every record.
"You know, Brad Paisley used to put a gospel song on every CD; it was his signature for a while. Well, my signature is one ill-advised, shockingly embarrassing cut per record," explained Jackson, who named "www.memory," "I Still Like Bologna," and "that one about cornbread and chicken" as examples.
A notice posted to Jackson's website offers the following topical suggestions for song entries: wearing a fanny pack, a knee infection, deer hunting as a contrived (PG rated) sexual metaphor, an Alan Jackson Droid app, affection for an old go-cart, weedeating while drunk, and beef jerky.
Aug 26, 2018
Aug 25, 2018
Archives: I'M SO FROM THE COUNTRY!
ORIGINALLY POSTED OCT 29, 2013
Lyrical Satirical: I'm So From the Country
A bro-country song as written by someone whose first language is not English.
Why? Because... that's why. And is it any worse than this?
I'm So From the Country
©2013 FTM Satire
She is from the country and she talks as such
She enjoys when I arrive in my large pick-up truck
She is wearing shorts that nearly show her buns
Let us find a deserted lane to have sexual fun
Chorus
Me, I'm so from the country
Me, I love beer that tastes skunky
I'm so country, more than you've seen
Listen to me tell you southern things
Here's a rural field with a group of local friends
Here's the part where I mention her butt again
Here's a large fire burning and strong drink passed around
Let us twerk our bottoms to some Hank and really get down
Me, I'm so from the country
Me, I enjoy my hip-hop funky
I'm so country my drawl has bling
Listen to me tell you southern things
Bridge
We enjoy to party!
We get drunk and take a ride!
Let us get into water naked
And I put my peener inside!
Me, I'm so from the country
Me, I will give your face a punching
I'm so country I enjoy bee stings
Listen to me tell you southern things
Aug 24, 2018
Dustin Lynch Inducted Into Pro Football Hall of Fame
Despite never having playing in the NFL, singer Dustin Lynch was recently inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Lynch smartly donned his gold jacket and ring at the enshrinement ceremony and gave a rousing acceptance speech.
"It is such a great honor to stand alongside the giants of this sport I wasn't involved with and walk in the shadows of the legends." said Lynch, beaming his million dollar smile. "Jerry Rice, Joe Montana, Lawrence Taylor… I can't believe my name and bust will be displayed in the company of such unforgettable talent. I may not have ever thrown a pass, participated in a single training camp, or even held that wire water tray thingie, but I gladly accept this completely unjustifiable recognition."
Attendees of the ceremony looked befuddled, but remained respectful as Lynch thanked all the people who hadn't helped him become a renowned football player. Randy Moss and Brian Urlacher cast confused glances at one another repeatedly through the speech, while Brian Dawkins kept shrugging and rolling his eyes.
Though Lynch has not laced up football pants since the 8th grade, the Hall of Fame believed him worthy for reasons unbeknownst to anyone but the board. Dustin's career football stats as a middle school running back were rather subpar. He boasted 204 total yards on 94 carries, one touchdown, and seven fumbles.
Still, Lynch feels he will be a valuable asset to the Hall. "I have strong appeal with young women and teen girls, so I hope to bring more eyes to this great sport that I never took part in." he told us.
Lynch was recently asked to become a member of the Grand Ole Opry, Nashville's hallowed hall of country music, despite being a pop singer, so gaining undeserved honors seems to be his thing.
Terrell Owens had no comment on Lynch's induction.
Aug 23, 2018
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