Oct 24, 2019

This Guy Rants About Women on Country Radio


All right, so the controversy of the day is women singing country music. Lots of feminists say their isn’t enough chicks on country radio. They say there isn’t enough babes singing at country festivals. I don’t know what there smoking.

I looked at the country chart and there is at least 6 female singers in the top 40. Last year there was like 3, so that’s a huge victory for the feminazis in my book. They already made me have to listen to 50% more women then I had to in 2018, if my math is right. What the hell more do they want??

Let’s just look at the numbers for a minute. 6 women. That’s more than has ever been president. 6 women. That’s more than has ever been the WWE Universal Champion. 6 women. It only takes one to make me a sandwich, LMAO.

Listen, I have great respect for the female sex. One of them raised me. Women are good at lots of stuff. There better arguers. They are good at shopping. And the female form is my favorite thing to look at in the world. 

But when it comes to country music, it’s a mans world baby. Men drive the pickup trucks. Men buy the drinks. That’s the two things that country music is about in 2019. I don’t want to here a woman singing about “he bought me a drink and asked me to get in his F-150” because that might put me in touch with my feminine side and that’s gay.

Also, girls’ voices are not as good as the guys. There high pitched and they shriek a lot. When I here them sing, it’s like my ex girlfriend yelling at me for accidentally having sex with her roommate. I don’t want to think about bad stuff. And that’s another thing. Women sing about all this serious stuff. I just want to party bruh. I just wanna raise up some Nattys and get wild. You can’t get lit to some babe singing about “girl won’t you stop your cryin’.” That ain’t it sis. 

So anyway, y’all should be celebrating in the street wearing vagina hats or whatever, sense their’s more women on the radio now. I don’t like it but if it makes the lefties shut up, I’ll deal with it. But don’t keep raising a stink about this stuff. Stay in your lane. I’ll stay in mine, swerving in my full size with the Jason Aldean blasting out the damn windows!


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Oct 23, 2019

Yola / "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" / Farm Aid 2019

I Had to Use This Quote Eventually


Every 2019 Country Hit



Every 2019 Country Hit
©2019 FTM Satire

Snap beat snap beat snap beat, baby girl
I’m shameless, I’ll rhyme that with world
Hey sweetie, are you here all by yourself?
That’s not creepy cause I sung it smooth as hell

Got a sweet beard and a trendy tattoo
Unkempt shirt and a gelled up do
You can tell I’m a bad boy, I bet
Because of those things I already said

And the chorus just goes…
Oooh ooooh oooh girl
Oooh oooh oooh
Oooh oooh yeah girl
Oooh oooh yeah

Snap beat snap beat clap beat little thang
Sang that line with a fake country twang
Barely audible fiddle going on
So people think this is a country song

But the chorus be like…
Ayeee ayeee ayeee girl
Oooh oooh oooh
Oooh oooh yeah girl
Oooh oooh yeah

You know damn well what happens this verse
Got a big truck that never touches dirt
Wanna get in it and get outta here?
I’m tall and handsome so have no fears

Oooh ooooh oooh girl
Oooh oooh oooh
Oooh oooh yeah girl
Oooh oooh yeah

Snap beat


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Oct 19, 2019

Saturday Night Music / Corb Lund & Hayes Carll / "Bible on the Dash"

Archives: What We'd Ask Luke Bryan if We Could Interview Him

ORIGINALLY POSTED OCT 10, 2014


What We Were Gonna Ask Luke Bryan



Luke Bryan was originally listed to do a Reddit AMA (ask me anything) session yesterday at noon. However, earlier Thursday, the listing was changed from "Luke Bryan and Crash My Playa Team" (Crash My Playa is his upcoming Mexican concert) to "Crash My Playa Team." I'd been pretty excited about the potential for some sweet, sweet trolling and so were some of FTM's Twitter and Facebook pals. Here's what we'd planned to ask him.

What advice would you give to young country singers who dream of selling their souls for the adulation of millions of shallow women?

Gold Bond or just plain baby powder?

Are you still able to perform in the bedroom after years of wearing skinny jeans?

What's your stance on our country's current fiscal policy? Hah just kidding, what's Jason Aldeans girlfriends like? -Bradley Wayne Jackson

Do you shop in the juniors section?

Has the guy from Florida Georgia Line ever stuck his pink umbrella in your drink? -John Cole

Do you think Hank Sr. would be better at the nae nae or the Shmoney dance?

What screen resolution are your teeth set to? -Jeremy Harris

Does making millions singing the same simple song over and over to the same simple people ever make you question your belief in God?

Is your truck so big to compensate for the wiener you're capable of fitting in your tiny jeans? -Caitlyn Josephine

Have your handlers considered installing bumper rails around the stage to keep your goofy ass from falling?

So when is the hip hop album coming out? ... oh wait... nevermind. -Christy Meaux

How often are you able to cuddle with Jason Aldean? -Seth Wilson

If you had a teenage daughter how would you feel about an almost 40-year-old man waving his pecker in her face in skinny jeans at a spring break concert? -Y.J. Jones

Have you read any books this yea… century?

If Waylon came back from the grave today, what would you say to him to keep him from beating you senseless?

You've received a lot of criticism from the Americana movement regarding the lyrics of the songs you've performed. Your critics say your lyrics are trivial, lacking in substance, or detached from reality. What would you like to say to these critics? -Benton Leachman

I know it must be difficult to eat healthy on the road. How do you keep your girlish figure?

A little Hank a little Drake, right... And please what exact songs are on that mix-tape? I'd really like to know how one works those onto the same selection of tunes. -Trey Velez

Do you listen to country music, and have you ever considered recording a country album? -Sam Gazdziak

Oct 18, 2019

Mike & The Moonpies / "Danger" / Texas Music Scene

Nashville Song Plugger Swings Dead Cat, Hits Bachelorette


Nashville song plugger Larry Weathers has been charged with assault and is also being investigated for possible animal cruelty after he struck and injured bride-to-be Brayley Lynn Smith with a deceased feline on Thursday evening. 

Weathers was trying to make a point to Jenny Lindsay, a young songwriter and recent Nashville arrival, when the incident occurred. "I don't even know where he got the cat; it was just suddenly in his hand and he was twirling it," said Lindsay. "It was pretty wild." 

Smith suffered a contusion to her left elbow and lacerations about her face and hands from falling off the pedal tavern. "It was the damnedest thing," mused Smith. "I was so drunk I didn’t think it was really happening, but I think I got some fur in my mouth.” 

Weathers, who maintains that the animal was already deceased when he swung it, explained: "I was trying to illustrate to (Jenny Lindsay) the amount of competition she's up against in this town. You know… 'you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a songwriter in this town'… I assumed I'd just graze an Erik Dylan or an Ashley Gorley to show her how many great writers there are here. I didn't mean for this to happen." 

Ironically, the bachelorette has offered to drop all charges against Mr. Weathers if he can get a couple of songs Smith wrote pitched to Luke Combs.

By Trailer - Origin version posted on Country California January 17, 2009 (updated)

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