Monday Morning Memes: Karen Edition

Can't Wait to Hear This Album!

Record Store Looted, Luke Bryan Albums Untouched

Portland’s Portobello Records near Laurelhurst Park was ransacked and looted on Thursday night during the ongoing protests and unrest occurring in the city. The store was reported to be nearly a total loss. 

Owner Jason Anderson reported damages in upwards of $67,000. Shelves were overturned, walls were vandalized, records were stolen, Five Finger Death Punch t-shirts were burned, and the cash register was emptied of its entire $1.45. 

“They left every single CD and vinyl record of Luke Bryan untouched though,” laughed Anderson. “Usually we just sell those to tourists anyway, but he’s not thaaat bad, right?” He told us there was even a polite letter scrawled in blood on the Bryan records that said simply “No thanks.”

Besides the country hunk’s records, every other CD, cassette tape, vinyl, and even a few 8-tracks were stolen from Portobello. That includes Creed, Nickelback, Soulja Boy, Hoobastank, Lil Xan, LMFAO, 6ix9ine, Puddle of Mudd, and even Coldplay. “I could have resold a lot of leftovers on eBay or some other secondary market, but I mean, if they wouldn’t even steal Luke Bryan albums, I guess they’re worthless,” said Anderson, rummaging through the debris.

“Oh, actually here are a few other records they didn’t take,” said Anderson, finding a full crate under some rubble. “Florida-Georgia Line, Dustin Lynch, Thomas Rhett… weird.” 

The looters, believed to be one group pretending to be Antifa and another group pretending to be right wingers, both intending to frame the other, were not identifiable in store security footage. If you have information that could lead to an arrest in the case, contact Portland Crimestoppers. 

Major League Baseball Country Reaction Gifs

Honky tonk badonkadonk

Keepin' perfect rhythm make you wanna swing along

I ain't as good as I once was

But I'm as good once as I ever was

When Chris Stapleton blasts a three run homer in the 8th to take back the lead

Your cheatin' heart will tell on you

When they're playing Luke Bryan over the PA system

Is it cold in here, or is it just you?

When your give a damn's busted

(this is from the minors, but it had to be here)  

What you think of that new Parmalee song?

Somebody said there'd be no normal live concerts until 2022. Yeah, that's fine... no big deal.

The Florida-Georgia Line of baseball

Monday Morning Memes: Summer Country Edition

Really Dumb Country Reviews: July 2020

Really reviews from a popular music service.

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Florida-Georgia Line - 6 Pack

Diplo - Snake Oil



Margo Price - That's How Rumors Get Started


Luke Bryan - Born Here Live Here Die Here

(It's not out yet, dummy)

The Chicks - Gaslighter

 

 

Morgan Wallen - If I Know Me

Eric Church - "Stick That In Your Country Song"

Georgia Touts “Better” Red Dirt Scene

The Georgia Department of Economic Development’s Tourism division is launching a new promotion to bring attention to the state’s country music scene, but they may be stepping on some toes. “Our dirt is redder,” laughed department chair Henry Dix. “And better.”

That’s even the tagline for the advertising campaign, which will appear in major print publications and a nationwide television advertisement. The marketing format seems to claim that Georgia’s “red dirt” music scene is greater than that of the beloved (and much longer lived as an actual scene) Oklahoma network of songwriters and musicians. 

Hank Dix, Tourism Director

Farce the Music spoke with Dix about the Georgia Red Dirt promotion.

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FTM: You’re aware that Oklahoma has had a Red Dirt scene for decades, and that Georgia has never had a music scene by that name?

Dix: Indeed! Otherwise, our motto wouldn’t make sense. Better than what?? Better than Oklahoma, that’s what! And we do really have red dirt.

FTM: Great. So, you’ve either just copied the nomenclature from an existing format of music, or pulled it out of your a** and expect it to take? You can’t give yourself a nickname.

Dix: Think of it as “giving that name a better home.” Good artists copy, great artists steal… as they say. If you look at it by pure sales, our scene dwarfs theirs in every category. Thus, we plan to trademark the term, and possibly allow them to continue its use in lower case. 

FTM: That’s some shady dealing there, but all’s fair in business it seems. You say your artists sell better. Who, exactly, are you considering to be “Red Dirt” in the Georgia music scene?

Dix: Have you ever heard of Luke Bryan? I thought so. That man alone has sold more albums and concert tickets than nearly every ragweed from Oklahoma combined. Oh, and we claim half of Florida-Georgia Line too. Just half their sales puts us over the entirety of their artists when added to Bryan’s sales. Then there’s Brantley Gilbert, a more humble and soulful songwriter than ever existed in Still Waters. 

FTM: It’s “Stillwater.” And hold up. You’re claiming national artists who have already made it in the mainstream as “Red Dirt” artists? 

Dix: And why not? They’re from here, many still live here, and they play here once or twice a year on tour. They bring more to our economy than Stoney LaDue ever brought to that dust bowl.

FTM: Gross. And it’s “LaRue.” You don’t even know what a music scene is, do you? 

Dix: Music evolves, terminology evolves. They’re just jealous. Justin Boland couldn’t shine Colt Ford’s boots. 

FTM: It’s “Jason” Boland. And their scene isn’t about platinum sales and laser shows and dancing at concerts. It’s about integrity and the love of music. You’re making a mockery of the name Red Dirt.

Dix: I’ll tell you about mockery. Nobody ever heard of 90% of their so-called artists. If music isn’t popular, it isn’t good. It’s about the bottom line, not well-written lines. Who the hell are the Red Dirt Rangers, LMAO (he said this aloud)? Are they some redneck Power Rangers? And the Turnrow Troubadours? LOL (again, said out loud), they got Yoko’d before they could even sell out Bridgestone. 

FTM: That’s offensive, and I’ve heard enough, and it’s “Turnpike.” You are an idiot.

Dix: And a good day to you too, sir! Before I go, everybody make sure to check out our up and coming Red Dirt® artists Sam Hunt, Jason Aldean, and Thomas Rhett!!

FTM: F**k off.

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At press time, Oklahoma’s Red Dirt scene had just claimed Garth Brooks, and taken the lead in the sales category.

Honest Billboard Top 20 (if I hated literally all of them)

I don't literally hate all of these songs, just most.

Monday Morning Memes: Dustin Lynch, Luke Bryan, Ray Wylie Hubbard

Local Man Arrested for Arrested for Vandalizing Luke Bryan T-Shirts

Local mechanic and noted country music fan Reginald Spears, 48, was arrested on Thursday morning for vandalism and destruction of property. He was booked and released on bail after spending an hour in county. Spears’ popular Twitter account tweeted “My wife shouldn’t take me to town, heh heh” that afternoon, likely in regards to the incident. 

On Thursday at 11:00 a.m., Jessica Chamberlain, proprietor of So So Cute Women’s Wear reported to police that a man was drawing on t-shirts with a marker or paint pen. She says she asked him to leave the premises when she noticed it, and that he politely complied, but returned to “put the finishing touches on one drawing.” That’s when Chamberlain called the cops. 

“His wife is a sweetheart… I asked her not to bring him back in here again though; he’s crazy but at least he was wearing a mask, I guess.” she said, shaking her head.

Spears was arrested without incident in the parking lot. “He’s usually a gentleman when we have to arrest him.” laughed sheriff’s deputy Cody Westling. “It’s been a while, so I told him we’d missed him.” 

So So Cute maintains a section of Luke Bryan clothing, dedicated to the country superstar who was born only a hundred miles or so from the store. Chamberlain said that when Mr. Spears noticed it, he went out to his truck and returned holding something (which turned out to be a handful of Sharpies and puff paint markers). “He was wild-eyed and looking around, but I didn’t think anything of it.” said Mrs. Chamberlain. “But then I noticed that he was doodling on the shirts… who does that? He’s a grown man.” 

Spears allegedly drew penises on some of the shirts and added offensive phrases to others. “On our ‘One margarita, two margarita’ (based on Bryan’s hit “One Margarita”) shirt, he wrote “leads to three baby daddies,” said Chamberlain. “And he just wrote “sucks” on all my adorable Luke Bryan vintage v-necks. He’s got a problem!”

Spears, who runs a small engine repair shop on his property off Hwy 57, has said in the past that his long string of peculiar crimes is all in the name of “real country music.” His county rap sheet stands as proof, with 6-7 different misdemeanors over the years, oddly all related to country music. 

At press time, Chamberlain had agreed to drop all charges if Spears agreed to pay for the damages, estimated at around $1,000. Spears was not available for comment. 

Good Will Hunting Country Reaction Gifs

Trying to figure out how Sam Hunt is country

When your parents brought you up on bro-country and you need therapy

  

When your boy didn't graduate high school but he knows what real country music is

"I bet your wife wears Florida-Georgia Line t-shirts"

How you reply to that friend who listens to Dustin Lynch

When she sees his Waylon tattoo

If you've only listened to pop-country's version of sad songs

And a bonus...

If They Re-Carve Stone Mountain

Here are some suggestions...

Alan Jackson water skiing.
Stolen from @aghease on Twitter.

No, not this one...

Nahhh, just paint this up there.