Showing posts with label Trucks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Trucks. Show all posts

Sep 24, 2015

Treat Her Like They Do in Country Songs

The meme on the left has been going around for a while now.
It's probably not the best advice anymore.


Jan 15, 2015

It's Hard Out Here for a Bro


Hard Out Here for a Bro
©2015 FTM Satire

Since the bloggers started killing fun
I can't call girls a hottie
All I can say's she's my favorite one
With a physically fit body
And the label says we drink too much
So turn up Coca Cola
As I drive my eco-friendly truck
Can't tell her to slide it over

It's hard out here for a bro
They won't let me sing about hoes
Can't do the stanky legg on my tailgate
Can only turn the party up about halfway
It's hard out here for a bro

Maddie & Tae have been throwing shade
And old ass singers hatin'
Sayin' all I do is drink and get laid
Well duh, ain't it great man?
But here I am driving legal speeds
With no chains on my wallet
Liberals out here killin' my dreams
Maybe I'll go back to college

It's hard out here for a bro
Tides are turning on Music Row
Can't crack a cold one in my Chevrolet
Can only turn the party up about halfway
It's hard out here for a bro

Bridge
I miss getting turnt
Things are changing so fast
I miss Ed Hardy, I miss swaying ass

It's hard out here for a bro
They won't let me sing about hoes
Can't do the Shmoney dance on my tailgate
Can only turn the party up about halfway
It's hard out here for a bro

Dec 22, 2014

The 12 Bros of Christmas




The 12 Bros of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas
a dude bro sent to me:
A startling STD

On the second day of Christmas
a dude bro sent to me:
Two Jäger bombs
and a startling STD

On the third day of Christmas
a dude bro sent to me:
Three dick pics
Two Jäger bombs
and a startling STD

On the fourth day of Christmas
a dude bro sent to me:
Four V-neck shirts
Three dick pics
Two Jäger bombs
and a startling STD

On the fifth day of Christmas
a dude bro sent to me:
Five chromed-out things
Four v-neck shirts
Three dick pics
Two Jäger bombs
and a startling STD

On the sixth day of Christmas
a dude bro sent to me:
Six tans a spraying
Five chromed-out things
Four v-neck shirts
Three dick pics
Two Jäger bombs
and a startling STD

On the seventh day of Christmas
a dude bro sent to me:
Seven jeans so skinny
Six tans a spraying
Five chromed-out things
Four v-neck shirts
Three dick pics
Two Jäger bombs
and a startling STD

On the eighth day of Christmas
a dude bro sent to me:
Eight trucknuts swinging
Seven jeans so skinny
Six tans a spraying
Five chromed-out things
Four v-neck shirts
Three dick pics
Two Jäger bombs
and a startling STD

On the ninth day of Christmas
a dude bro sent to me:
Nine hoes a twerking
Eight trucknuts swinging
Seven jeans so skinny
Six tans a spraying
Five chromed-out things
Four v-neck shirts
Three dick pics
Two Jäger bombs
and a startling STD

On the tenth day of Christmas
a dude bro sent to me:
Ten Fords on Nittos
Nine hoes a twerking
Eight trucknuts swinging
Seven jeans so skinny
Six tans a spraying
Five chromed-out things
Four v-neck shirts
Three dick pics
Two Jäger bombs
and a startling STD

On the eleventh day of Christmas
a dude bro sent to me:
Eleven Swishers lighting
Ten Fords on Nittos
Nine hoes a twerking
Eight trucknuts swinging
Seven jeans so skinny
Six tans a spraying
Five chromed-out things
Four v-neck shirts
Three dick pics
Two Jäger bombs
and a startling STD

On the twelfth day of Christmas
a dude bro sent to me:
12” subs thumping
Eleven Swishers lighting
Ten Fords on Nittos
Nine hoes a twerking
Eight trucknuts swinging
Seven jeans so skinny
Six tans a spraying
Five chromed-out things
Four v-neck shirts
Three dick pics
Two Jäger bombs
and a startling STD

Oct 16, 2014

A Self-Aware Bro Country Song


Get Down and Turn Up
(© 2014 FTM Satire)

Hotties with bodies
Shakin' gyratin'
Binge drinking their way through this song
Jager and Jagger
Haggard and swagger
Yeah, I got my signifiers on

Crank up this song about cranking up songs
About parties in trucks while you party in trucks
This next line is dumb but you'll sing along
Yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah
Get down and turn up
Get down and turn up

Drink and drink faster
Pass out in pastures
Have a great time you underage kids
Paycheck and Jay-Z
Drive while you're tipsy
Instagram so folks know you did

Crank up this song about cranking up songs
About parties in trucks while you party in trucks
This next line is dumb but you'll sing along
Uh huh uh huh uh huh uh huh
Get down and turn up
Get down and turn up

Bridge
The bridge is for sexy
So girls drop them panties
This night's so enchanted
Moonlight on your fanny

While you crank up this song about cranking up songs
About parties in trucks while you party in trucks
This next line is filler but you'll sing along
Way oh way oh way oh way oh
Get down and turn up
Get down and turn up

Sep 26, 2014

Barbed Wire Tattoo (A Bro-Country Ballad)


Barbed Wire Tattoo - A Bro-Country Ballad
(©2014 FTM Satire)

I tried to send you a shot of my junk
But I guess you're blocking my cell
Somebody said you're with that new punk
That smart dude what talks real well
I know we broke up a few weeks ago
And I'm not supposed to come near
But I've been circling your block real slow
Cinnamon whiskey mixin' with tears

Chorus
How much Fireball is it gonna take to get you off my mind?
How'm I gonna keep this full-size jacked-up truck between the lines?
Now your fine ass goes riding in some college boy's Isuzu
And I gotta cover up your name in this barbed wire tattoo

I tried to hook up with your friend Emily
She can really make that thang shake
But every kiss tasted like your memory
So I made her get off my tailgate
I know you said that I'm a real douche
From my chrome to my Axe Body Spray
But the thought of that nerd screwing you
Makes me want to punch him in the face

How much Fireball is it gonna take to get you off my mind?
How'm I gonna keep this chromed-out Chevy truck between the lines?
Now your fine ass goes riding in some sissy boy's Isuzu
And I gotta cover up your name in this barbed wire tattoo

Bridge
Saw you and him at the stoplight
He was reaching for your hand to hold
Thought about getting out to fight
But I hit the gas and rolled coal

How much Fireball is it gonna take to get you off my mind?
How'm I gonna keep this full-size jacked-up truck between the lines?
Now your fine ass goes riding in some college boy's Isuzu
And I gotta cover up your name in this barbed wire tattoo

Tag
I tried to send you a shot of my junk

Jul 8, 2014

We Are Bro Country



We Are Bro-Country
(Lyric parody of Hank Jr's "Young Country")

We are bro-country, we are bad ass
Illegitimate children of inbred white trash
Our hair might be faux-hawked, jeans glittered and spiked
We know how to get drunk and go lookin' for fights 

We know what's tight, glass pack exhaust
And if you don't like it, I'll punch you, boss
We name drop the old stuff, but we only like new
And we do our own rappin', blue jean booty slappin'
If you're offended, F you

We are bro country, we ain't too bright
Our music and lifestyles, are big piles of shite
We don't have diplomas, or shirts that fit right
but we know how to bang skanks come Saturday night 

We like Eminem, we get faded to EDM
We like Lil Wayne and Jay-Z and T-Pain
Old Hank would be sick, wait who is old Hank?
We like our country mixed with hip-hop and stank

We are bro-country, we have no pride
Except in our bench press and sweet jacked up rides
Kid Rock would be proud and Fred Durst give props
'cause we like our country with drum loops and bass drops
We like to smoke bowls, we like to roll coal
Don't like it? F u!

Jul 7, 2014

I Bet U Caint Even Bate a Huk



(This isn't a political statement so much as one about prideful stupidity. 
I'm actually pretty conservative, but I'd like to disassociate myself from bro-countriers,
people who carry large assault weapons into grocery stores, and coal rollers entirely.)

Jun 24, 2014

Douchenbach (Parody Lyric)



Douchenbach, Georgia
(Lyric Parody of Waylon & Willie's "Luckenbach, TX")

The only two things in life that make it worth livin'
Is DJs that drop bass and ass shakin' women
I just need my name on a tatt that's tight
I bust my rhymes so you'll go down on me tonight
Maybe it's time we got this Chevy stuck in the mud

Let's go to Douchenbach, Georgia
With Aldean and Brantley and the dudes
Get these Rockford Fosgates kickin'
We'll be crankin' up the Fiddy and Ja Rule
Between Hank Junior's boozin' and
FGL's Cruisin' and Juvy backin' that thang up
Out in Douchenbach, Georgia everybody's raisin' they cups

So baby let's buy some wallet chains
Square toed boots and shiny jeans and go away
This mowing yards has got to stop
And working at your beauty shop, you cry all day
We've been so busy living home with our moms
They won't let us smoke and throw out our beer bongs
Maybe it's time we got this Chevy stuck in the mud

Let's go to Douchenbach, Georgia
With Colt Ford, Cole Swindell and the bros
Get these Rockford Fosgates kickin'
We'll be crankin' up some Chingy and some J-Kwon tho'
Between Snoop Doggy's tokin' and
Limp Bizkit Rollin' and Toby Keith kickin' some ass
Out in Douchenbach, Georgia everybody's raisin' they glass

Let's go to Douchenbach, Georgia
With Luke Bryan, Sam Hunt and the dudes
Get these Rockford Fosgates kickin'
We'll be crankin' up the Fiddy and Ja Rule
Between Hank Junior's boozin' and
FGL's Cruisin' and Juvy backin' that thang up
Out in Douchenbach, Georgia everybody's raisin' they cups

Jun 20, 2014

Wannabe Bro-Country Song



Good Ass Night
©2014 FTM Satires

It's been a bad week
I failed remedial math
My truck nuts broke and 
My Reaper had a flat
At least it's Friday
My luck's gonna switch
Find me a party
And a bad country b**ch

And have a good ass night
Give the bonfire a light
Drink a beer yeah I might
Steal a kiss, have a fight
Son that's right
I'm gonna have a good ass night

I'm buzzed yeah ya heard
When I pull in the spot
Park my shit in the mud
Country swag on lock
Lookin' for a dime
Holla at deez hoes
Crank up some George Strait
Don't really like it tho'

But it's a good ass night
Give the bonfire a light
Drink a beer yeah I might
Steal a kiss, have a fight
Son that's right
I'm gonna have a good ass night

Bridge
Okay I've been lying, that really ain't me
I'm home playing Minecraft on my PS3
Got the radio up
And jealous as f***
Of the fellas in trucks wearing Ed Hardy tees

Havin' a good ass night
Givin' bonfires a light
Drinkin' beer wish I might
Steal a kiss, have a fight
Son that's right
Wish I could have a good ass night

Jun 17, 2014

Top 10 Rules for Writing a Hit Country Song in 2014


10. Check Billboard's charts archives and see
what was popular in pop and rap 10 years ago. Do that.

09. Be a famous person's offspring.

08. Write what you know, unless you know about anything other
than leaning on your truck in a pasture drinking fake moonshine and staring
at the rear ends of females dancing beside a bonfire to a song about leaning
on your truck in a pasture drinking fake moonshine and staring at the
rear ends of females dancing beside a bonfire.

07. When writing a song for a female artist, stop doing that.

06. Move to Nashville. Do you honestly think a record exec is going to come
to your house so you can give them sexual favors to get your foot in the door?

05. Be in a fraternity and when one of your fellow members
gets into the business, they'll hook you up, bro.

04. Go to a club where critically lauded Americana or roots rock artists perform
and listen to their earnest, heartfelt songs. Maybe even talk with them after the show and find out about their motives and inspirations so you can make sure to never do any of that stuff.

03. Kiss ass kiss ass kiss ass.

02. Don't write a country song.

01. Sit down for a few hours with your guitar and a bottle of whiskey and pour out your
emotions into a powerful song about hurt, love and the power of the human spirit.
Then throw that sumbitch in the trash and go write a truck song with 3 other dudes.

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