What Your Favorite 2021 Album Says About You

satire obviously

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Florida-Georgia Line - Life Rolls On

Your life peaked in 2014. You cried when you thought FGL was breaking up. You are unable to parallel park without the assistance of your backup camera. Your daughter will have to spell her name aloud seven-thousand times in her life.

Clay Walker - Texas to Tennessee

You’re a huge 90s country fan with kids and a busy life, and you didn’t actually listen to this album. You just assumed it was good because Clay Walker.

Strand of Oaks - In Heaven

You haven’t been out of the house in 19 months except to get packages from Smoke Cartel off the porch. You’re apolitical except about weed.

Eric Church - &

You’re in the Eric Church fan club. You’ve seen Eric 37 times. You named your son Kenneth (Eric’s first name). You need another hobby.

Sturgill Simpson - The Ballad of Dood & Juanita

You are a sports writer or a Sturgill Stan. You spent a great deal of time making fun of Hillbilly Elegy on Twitter this year. 

Niko Moon - Good Time

You can only listen to happy music because even a Hallmark movie is too emotionally roiling for you. You have argued passionately online about how Niko is in fact a country singer, and then you forgot he existed a month later when his second single tanked, and you only remember him now because he was number one on your Spotify Wrapped. 

Kacey Musgraves - star-crossed

You are whatever hipsters are called in 2021. You raged when this album was left out of the Grammy country nominations, but only because everyone else in your social bubble was doing the same. You have never heard Same Trailer, Different Park.

What Your Favorite 2020 Album Says About You Part 2

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Waylon Jennings - What Goes Around Comes Around

You have good taste, but are either convinced no good country music came out after 1979, or have suffered a lot of memory loss from the cocaine and pills.

Florida-Georgia Line - 6-Pack

You had never heard of Charley Pride until last week. You pronounce “EP” (which this is, not an album) as if it rhymes with “step.” You’re a contractor who only has negative reviews for driving like an a**hole.

Ashley McBride - Never Will

You are a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man. Or you’re anybody else with an ear for worthy music, actually. It’s damn good.

Hardy - A Rock

You’re a 25-32 year old male who lost his identity once bro-country went out of fashion and you are so damn thankful you now have something new to crank out of your 2013 ragged-out Raptor with the fading “Lifted Cause Fat Chicks Can’t Jump” sticker.

The Chicks - Gaslighter

You forced yourself to believe this is a great album to fit in with the other trendy left-leaning country fans on Twitter. You’re not enthused with Joe Biden, and are even less enthused with me making you do a self-assessment of what you really think of this, The Chicks’ worst album by a long shot.

Luke Bryan - Born Here, Live Here, Die Here

The last book you read was The Hunger Games. You only have a “Blue Lives Matter” sticker on your car so you won’t get a ticket for going 60 in a 35 every day taking your kids to soccer practice. 

Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit - Reunions

You are a sports writer. You frequently work “30-50 feral hogs” into everyday conversations.

Trapt - Shadow Work

You think the Covid vaccine is a Chinese ploy to seed the American population with mind control nanobots. You were one of the 12 people in attendance at Trapt’s most recent concert. You are the lead singer of Trapt. 

American Aquarium - Lamentations

You are not a pecan farmer. 

AC/DC - Power Up

This is the first album you purchased since AC/DC’s Black Ice. Your wife is tired of your vaping. You blame the pandemic for your weight gain, but you couldn’t fit in those size 36 Levi’s even last November.

What Your Favorite 2020 Album Says About You

 (Idea "borrowed" from Medium)

Dustin Lynch - Tullahoma

You were kicked out of at least 3 stores for not wearing a mask in 2020. You don’t really like music, you just like Dustin’s smile, abs, and … wait, you’ve moved on to Russell Dickerson.

Russell Dickerson - Southern Symphony

You have the attention span of a 2-year-old and this is the most recent pop country album that came out. You don’t have a boyfriend, but if you did, he’d leave you for your godawful taste in music.

Upchurch - Everlasting Country

You’ve only heard it twice during your allotted media time at the prison library but you love it. Your parents are more proud of your brother, a furry who smokes synthetic marijuana.

Elizabeth Cook - Aftermath

You have put a man into a headlock for the last cigarette. You’ve showed up to church looking like a million bucks after a night of drinking that would have ended a normal human.

Drive-by Truckers - The Unravelling

You’ve been a fan since way back. Way back in 2016. Your real life friends hate you despite having the same political beliefs.

Sam Hunt - Southside

You’re either an idiot, or an otherwise intelligent music journalist with one major blind spot. 

Matt Stell - Better Than That

You’re one of the 17 people who know who Matt Stell is, despite him having two #1 hits.

Arlo McKinley - Die Midwestern

Based on your listening habits, people would assume you’re a hard-living rancher or trucker, but they know better because they work in the cubicle next to yours. 

Tyler Childers - Long Violent History

You’re able to look past click-bait headlines to see the true meaning and measure of a man. Also, your standards for old timey fiddle music are pretty low.

Keith Urban - The Speed of Now

You worked from home all year, but made fun of people who were worried about Covid. You love Yellowstone, but hate that old timey music they play. Your kids couldn’t spell their own names until they were 8 - not because they have learning disabilities - because their names are some shit like Matthieuwe or Khelleighe.

What Your Favorite Album of 2019 Says About You 2

Zac Brown Band - The Owl

You tell everybody you like everything Zac Brown puts out no matter how he experiments, but in secret, you think this sucks.

Beyonce - Homecoming: The Live Album

You will taunt, threaten, curse, dox, and possibly inflict bodily harm upon anyone who says anything negative about this album, but otherwise you’re pretty nice.

Highwomen - s/t

You’re a strong, beautiful, independent woman and so is your significant other.

FGL - Can’t Say I Ain’t Country

You have a jacked up truck with exhaust stacks, fight with your girlfriend in public, and are drunk right now. Dad says your seventh year of community college is your last, graduation or not.

Maren Morris - Girl

You can’t get into the Highwomen album because it’s too country. You use way too many hashtags on Instagram.

Tyler Childers - Country Squire

You have a homemade bootleg live version of the album that’s “way better.” You sold a car out of your front yard for parts to get tickets to Sturgill and Tyler next year.

Puddle of Mudd - Welcome to Galvania

Wait, Puddle of Mudd still exists? You are a member of some guy in the band’s family.

Luke Combs - What You See is What You Get

Just gonna go out on a limb with this one and guess that you enjoy beer.

Vandoliers - Forever

You skate, fish, have purple hair, and are polite to your mama.

Zac Brown - The Controversy

You usually tell everybody you like everything Zac Brown puts out no matter how he experiments, but you gave up your fan club membership and started an anti-Zac Brown Facebook page after hearing this shit.

Post Malone - Hollywood’s Bleeding

You toss around words like ‘molly’ and ‘yeet’ but your 6th grade teacher doesn’t like you to say them in class.

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This is satire. Don't take it seriously.

Idea stolen from Medium.

What Your Favorite Album of 2019 Says About You

Lizzo - Cuz I Love You

You started listening to this so your daughter would think you’re cool. She does not.

Thomas Rhett - Center Point Road

You can talk for hours on end without ever saying anything of importance. You go to church just so you look cute on Instagram once a week.

Billie Eilish - When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

Your mom started listening to Lizzo so you’d think she’s cool. You don’t, but mostly because she won’t let you have blue hair or date a 23 year old.

Vampire Weekend - Father of the Bride

You’re at the age that you know what yuppies felt like in the 90s. You drive a Volvo.

Miranda Lambert - Wildcard

You don’t get drunk on the weekends as much anymore, but only because the hangovers really hurt in your mid-30s. You’ve had non-physical fights with your significant other so loud that the police were called …more than once.

George Strait - Honky-Tonk Time Machine

Country radio is not for you, but you don’t care if other people like it. You iron your jeans and only have one tattoo you got in the Navy.

Cody Jinks - The Wanting

Country radio is not for you, and f*ck anybody who likes it. You’re still wearing the same jeans from Saturday and have at least two skull tattoos.

Mitchell Tenpenny - Telling All My Secrets

You don’t know what year it is and have the shittiest taste in music possible. 

Koe Wetzel - Harold Saul High

You have a jacked up truck with exhaust stacks, fight with your girlfriend in public, and are drunk right now. But you still think you’re better than those douchebags who listen to Florida-Georgia Line.

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This is satire. Don't take it seriously.

Also, if your favorite wasn't here, there will probably be another edition.
Idea stolen from Medium.