The Crud Report: July 2023

Kid Rock’s White House Burns; Meth Lab Explosion Suspected

Country/rock star Kid Rock’s grandiose White House replica home burned overnight, and fire investigators say it appears to be due a meth lab explosion. Experts say the evidence was so substantial and certain that Rock, real name Bob Richey, was taken into custody on scene.

An inside source spoke to us off the record to share the absurdity of the circumstances. “The yard was just littered with burning cars up on blocks, chickens running for their lives, an outhouse, and a makeshift whiskey still.” said anonymous source Terry Jones, assistant fire investigator of Nashville, “It was the wildest thing I’ve seen since that John Rich fiasco.”

He went on to detail the source of the fire clearly being a corner utility room littered with broken beakers, metal piping, and a somehow unscathed pile of Sudafed. “There was also a half-melted metal door sign that said ‘Meth Lab,’ so we’ve pretty much got him dead to rights,” said Jones. 

Back on record with the chief of police, Brittan Marks, we learned that an uninjured Richey was taken into custody without incident, wearing only a pair of flip flops and a “Hillary Lied” t-shirt. He was processed and bonded out a few hours later. 

“With a net worth in the millions, we’re not sure why Mr. Richey would need to be cooking up meth, you know,” said a bemused Chief Marks, “Maybe he was just trying to live up to his outlaw reputation.”

At press time, Mr. Rock was tweeting and working on plans for his new ten-story ass shaped house on the same hill.

#fakenews #satire

Large Man With Face Tattoos Following You Down Alley Not Jelly Roll. Run!!

Hey you. Yes, you reading this very article as you scurry down the alley to your car from the vape shop. Don’t make any noticeable movements, but there’s a guy following you. Dammit, you looked. Yeah, that guy with the beard and the art gallery on his face. 

Nope. Your first thought is wrong. It’s not country rapper/singer Jelly Roll! You should run. Seriously.

While your initial reaction to seeing the portly fellow walking faster than a guy that size should walk, ten yards behind you and closing, was that it may be the “Need a Favor” singer, I’m here to tell you that Mr. Roll is currently in the studio recording a guest appearance on a Willie Nelson track, so it’s not him. Move your ass!

He’s getting a bit winded now; you’ve only got 30 more steps to your Altima but now is not the time to lose focus. Screw the second thoughts - I’m telling you it’s not Jason Bradley DeFord, aka Jelly Roll, American multi-genre singer/songwriter who won 3 CMT Awards this year for “Son of a Sinner.” This particular fellow has a hand in the pocket of his hoodie and it’s not to hand you a mix tape. 

Oh now, you’re feeling bad for judging someone by their appearance. Sir or ma’am or other, I’m thinking even Jelly Roll - who is an admitted reformed criminal and seems like he’s really made a change for the better - would tell you not to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. Trust your gut. 

Shit! He’s caught up. As you look into the tattooed face of your attacker, your fingers attempting to enable the Emergency SOS on your phone you thought was in your pocket, the man reaches out his hand and says “You dropped your phone back there.” 

My bad.

This SHOCKING! Garth Brooks Clickbait is Carefully Worded to Infuriate 50% of You

This'll get blood pressure rising!

Farce the Music today posted this clickbait article about Garth Brooks. It says nothing new you can’t read anywhere else, but it doesn’t really matter. This next sentence have doesn’t to make sense any and you’ll still glance through for long enough to make ad impressions or whatever. This is the introductory paragraph that grabs either Conservatives or traditional country fans by the balls and twists. Take that!

{Here are several ads in a row so you’re not quite sure if the story is already over or not. Some of you will leave at this point, but we got your click.}

BUT IT CONTINUES!!! Garth did a thing. What thing?, you ask. Perhaps it was about BEER! 

BEER BEER FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES BEER TRANS DIVERSITY A-HOLES BEER!!!!! Can you imagine the gall it took him to say or do whatever this article is about???? 

This article doesn’t even have enough words to count as an article, does it? Not my problem. Did you hear about GARTH PANTYHOSE WAYLON GARTH FINGER****ING???????? HOLY SHIT THAT’S CRAZY! This’ll definitely play out poorly in the Facebook comments section with friends tagged, John Rich mentioned, and several fights planned that would actually take place if the combatants weren’t in Texas and North Carolina respectively, which is too far to drive for a fist fight, IMO. Regardless, it’s more ad revenue on FB for just mentioning GARTH GARTH GARTH. ALSO CHRIS GAINES IS BACK!

{Another ad for one of our sister websites or possibly Bass Pro Shop or AARP, depending on what the algorithm determines is best targeted to you.}

And here’s where we remind you about that time Garth did that other thing you vaguely remember. HA HA SERIAL KILLER GARTH WHERE ARE THE BODIES, and here’s a screen shot of that creepy video he did and a link to another similar story but if you keep scrolling it’ll go to some more Garth or Miranda stories anyway!

Here is the clever quip to end the article, followed by a cutesy reaction gif or some shit.

At press time, Garth Brooks was [check back in 30 minutes for the next story about him].

{Animal attacking a dumb person at a national park video.}

MIRANDA'S HUSBAND REVEALS HOT BODY ON INSTA!

JELLY ROLL TO GUEST ON EVERY ALBUM FOR THE NEXT 13 MONTHS!

BUCKY COVINGTON ANNOUNCES NEW NASHVILLE FOOD TRUCK

Garth Brooks Seen Scouting Clandestine Outskirts Ahead of Vegas Residency

Country music superstar Garth Brooks has been spotted in some unexpected locations around Clark County, NV this past week, ahead of his Vegas residency. Several reports of Garth sightings have come from around Corn Creek, Echo Bay, and Sloan, leading to great speculation among fans and residents alike.

Garth + One, the series of shows starting July 6 and rolling on into 2024, will include the titular megastar playing both solo and full band sets. It will take place at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace. However, Garth wasn’t expected in town until early July for final show prep. 

“He had a range finder or something and he was sitting on the hood of an older model Chevy,” said Corn Creek resident Jeff Rodriguez. “I was on my way to a friend’s house and thought it looked weird. I just slowed down, didn’t stop, but I know it was him dog. Weird behavior.”

Another Clark County resident who didn’t want to go on record said she witnessed a similar thing. She told us he was way off the road by a wash and she’s a ranger so she had binoculars on her. “100 percent it was him; he must have been scouting a video shoot or something. The only people who come back here are drug dealers …and I guess murderers if we’d had any lately.” she shrugged.

There’s been no confirmation from Garth or his people, but locals are convinced and one man even had a wild conspiracy theory on the matter. “Where are the bodies Garth?” laughed Terrence Martin, a Vegas blackjack dealer. “This all fits the narrative my dudes. He’s looking for places to offload some more corpses. Tourists be on guard! He gone put some more friends in low places if you know what I mean.”

At press time, Garth Brooks had announced 5 forthcoming Chris Gaines albums.

The Crud Report: June 2023

Dierks Bentley Just as Surprised as You That He Has 22 #1 Hits

Country music star Dierks Bentley reported Thursday that he is just as surprised as you to find out that he has twenty-two number one country hits. The Arizona-born singer expressed outright shock that he’d reached such an impressive milestone.

“22??” he asked incredulously, “How is that even possible when it takes a year for a song to move up the chart if your name isn’t Morgan Wallen or Luke Combs?” He couched that statement with a “No offense guys; take me on tour.”

Bentley went on to attempt to name 10 of the songs that hit number one on either the Mediabase/Country Aircheck country chart. 

“Well obviously there’s “Gold” which I remember because it’s my last single, but after that it gets sketchy,” he laughed. “Okay, uh… “What Was I Thinkin’” was my first, then there were like 5 in a row that sounded alike that might’ve hit #1… does “Every Mile Down the Road I Go Alone” sound right?”

“”Sideways!” …that’s one for sure,” he went on. “Okay, being drunk somewhere popped into my head… a beach, a plane, church?, maybe at Kid Rock’s bar?” 

Bentley, 47, was unable to name another of his single releases that had topped the charts correctly, throwing out phrases like he was playing Win, Lose, or Draw. “It’s hard because, you know, either my songs are party hard uptempo songs or mid tempo songs about driving somewhere, it’s difficult to keep up, honestly,” admitted Bentley.

At press time, Dierks was lamenting not being a trend-chaser and was considering a few bass drops and curse words on his next record. 

The Crud Report: May '23

Garth Brooks Spotted Crying in Taco Bell Drive-Thru

Country superstar Garth Brooks was witnessed crying at a fast food restaurant this week. The 61-year-old singer, home between tours, apparently shed tears in the drive-thru of a Goodlettsville Taco Bell this past Wednesday. 

“It was a clean ass 87 Chevy dually, I know it was him - seen him parked at the hardware stores a loooot of times,” said Jerry French of Millersville, TN. “Trisha wasn’t with him, he was just up there ordering forever and I didn’t even notice it was him till I got annoyed and did that thing where you roll your window down, stick your head out, and kinda look in their sideview to see if they catch the hint to hurry up. Anyway, damned if it wasn't Garth Brooks and he was crying. And I don’t mean, he had a wet face - that could’ve been eyedrops you know - he was literally weeping. I don’t know why.”

“I know why,” said Taco Bell window employee Janice Lemon. “We didn’t have no quesadillas.”

Janice explained that they were out of that tangy cheese sauce they use on the chicken and steak quesadillas so they weren’t selling any more that day. 

“Next he asked for a enchirito, but we stopped selling those months ago,” continued Lemon. “Started sounding like was getting in his feels or something, I ain’t got time for that.” Janice said Garth continued to call out things that were either discontinued or off the menu due to supply chain issues. “By the time he finally just settled on 5 soft tacos, he was like ugly crying, I could hear the sniffles.”

The country legend has never been known for hiding his emotions, a trait that endears him to most but puts him as the butt of jokes from others.

“He handed me some wet money to pay, and it wasn’t even raining,” said a cringing Janice Lemon. “And then he suddenly stopped crying and just stared at me with a weird viciousness in his eyes as I handed him his order and some mild sauce… I hope he gets some help, it’s just tacos.”

Man Feigns Obliviousness as Wife Compliments Lainey Wilson’s Backside

While lounging on the couch after work with his wife Thursday, Jacob Boothe was presented with a difficult challenge. Samantha, Jacob’s wife, was watching Entertainment Tonight as they waited on lasagna in the oven when she suddenly made some statements that would test his resolve and ability to avoid a night on the couch. 

“Look at that thing!” exclaimed Mrs. Booth. “That is impressive.” Samantha was referring to the derriere of country star Lainey Wilson, as ET reporters discussed Wilson’s submission of an original song for Emmy consideration. 

Jacob, an experienced and wary husband, did not even consider averting his eyes from his phone, where he was setting the lineup for his fantasy baseball team. He knew better. 

“I wonder if that’s genetics,” Samantha continued. “Or lots of cornbread and squats at the gym…” 

Again, Jacob was silent, keeping his full attention on his pitching choices for the evening. “Should I start Sandoval or Senga?” he pondered, fully aware that the slightest diversion of his attentiveness could lead to a very tricky situation. 

“But this is silly,” he thought. “We are grown adults who’ve been married for over a decade; if we can’t discuss this sort of thing in a mature fashion, we’re just a cliche Rodney Dangerfield joke about marriage.”

“Is that the country singer with that truck song?” he asked tentatively.

“Yeah, I think so,” answered Samantha. “Dat ass though…” she said as she pulled up some photos on her phone and pushed it in front of Jacob’s 3-2 baseball lineup. 

“Uh huh,” deferred Jacob, his eyes quickly darting over to their cat pawing at a curtain. 

Samantha rolled her eyes, having caught onto Jacob’s game. “Mmm Hmm,” she said accusingly. 

He’d over-played his hand, leaned too hard into aloofness. “Fine, she’s a very attractive woman,” he admitted, opening a door he hadn’t wanted to. “Are you satisfied?”

At press time, the lasagna had burned, and the Boothes were ordering pizza.

New Texas Law to Require Fiddle in All Bands

House lawmakers in Austin passed a bill on Thursday that would require all bands that play in the state to include a fiddle player.

House Bill 42069 won initial approval Tuesday, and then received a final vote Thursday, passing 127-19. It now heads to the Senate.

The bipartisan legislation, co-sponsored by Texas Department of Culture, Recreation, and Tourism chair Douglas K. Ershaw, would force any "musical act consisting of more than 2 members to include a fiddle player, as God intended." 

While it was unclear how this would affect musicians in genres that don't generally include fiddle, Ershaw insisted that the law would also provide for bands without such an instrumentalist, forming a Fiddle Corps of unaffiliated players for assigning the lacking groups a fiddler free of charge.

Bill co-sponsor Charles E. Daniels of Delta County explained "While we agree that many bands with great lead guitarists can pick it hot, that's just not good enough for a Llano man." 

"Whether you want your fans to two-step, do-si-do, headbang, or do The Bust Down, in the Lone Star State from now on, sir, you've gotta have a fiddle in the band." smiled Ershaw, seemingly assured that the Senate would finalize the bill and that Governor Abbott would codify it into law. 

At press time, music stores across the state were reporting a shortage of rosin.

The Crud Report: April 2023

Garth Brooks' Wikipedia Article From the Future

Morgan Wallen to Release Country Remix of “Last Night”

Riding high on the success of his massive pop/R&B hit “Last Night,” country superstar Morgan Wallen has announced plans to follow that up in coming weeks with a country remix, or re-imagining to be exact, of the crossover smash. 

The tune, which has received massive country airplay despite being released to pop radio, will receive quite a makeover for this incarnation. Instead of the jaunty, beat-driven acoustic guitar, there will be crying steel guitar. The hip, monotone reading of the lyrics will be replaced by a slow, note-bending drawl of the sort once employed by Lefty Frizzell. There may even be some audible fiddle, clearly signaling a radical departure for the genre-conquering Tennessee boy. 

Whether this release will continue Wallen’s winning streak is yet to be determined, but many behind the scenes are questioning the move. "Who's gonna play it? I mean, this thing is like, old-timey sounding and stuff," said Clearchannel country radio DJ Trey Turner. "You can't do …the griddy to it, I don't like it," complained Kawntrygull56 who replied to a snippet of the song on Wallen’s Facebook page. 

Morgan, for his part, maintains that this will play to a new demographic he hasn't reached before. "The people who actually like the organic, authentic-sounding stuff like Merle Hagrid and Alan Strait [sic].” said Wallen, preening his famous mullet, “That's an audience we haven't spoken to yet." 

 Adapted from Country California fake news story originally posted Wednesday, July 22, 2009 

No One on Facebook Ever Heard of Luke Bryan

Despite country music superstar Luke Bryan having sold over 16 million albums, achieving dozens of #1 hits, selling out concerts across the country, performing at major sporting events, being in commercials, and winning piles of awards, most users of the social media platform Facebook reported Thursday that they were entirely unaware of his existence. 

“Who?” asked Jerry Dickens of Shreveport, in response to a story about Luke’s favorite fishing lure on Whiskey Riff, and the sentiment seemed to be prevalent across the Facebook landscape. Up to 77% of readers of the country music humor page Farce the Music reported being unfamiliar with the Georgia singer. Dickens assured us that his comment was not to add to his “real country” cred, or to look cool to other pop-country haters.

Bryan, who debuted on the country charts 17 years ago and has been a prevalent force in the industry ever since, also has his own festival, his own restaurant, and his own brand of beer. Be that as it may, he has somehow escaped the attention of a majority of Facebook users. 

“Luke Bryan, who’s she?” commented Dick Berry of West Memphis, AR, below a We Hate Pop Country meme this past Tuesday. This highlights another mystery of the perception of Bryan - that he is a female. How one could come to the conclusion that Luke is a woman’s name is certainly odd, and we’re fairly certain no one on Facebook would ever stoop so low as to misgender someone as an insult. 

At press time, Larry Richards of Raleigh, NC was preparing an incomprehensible FB comment about Bryan being a homosexual (but certainly not in a negative light) despite being oblivious to Bryan’s very presence in this corporeal plane. 

Local Man’s Profane On-Air Rant Leaves Country Station with $20K FCC Fine

A local man’s obscene rant on a popular country radio station has cost that station five figures in FCC fines this week. Reginald Spears, a small engine repair shop owner who had previously been banned from the airwaves, tricked his way onto the Ferry and Lewis Morning Show and got off two and a half expletives before the hosts dropped his call.

WTSM manager Bart McGee says Mr. Spears’ cell and home numbers have long been on the blacklist for the station, but that he used a friend’s cell phone to call in on Monday morning. Ferry and Lewis, the morning show hosts, had asked listeners to call in and tell them what current songs they were digging and which ones they weren’t. Things went fine for the first few calls, but quickly went off the rails. 

“He started off quietly praising the fact that we’d played Zach Bryan’s “Something in the Orange” a few times,” said McGee. “But when Lewis asked him to name a song he didn’t like, the caller became suddenly irate.” The morning hosts apparently had accidentally switched off the 1 minute delay feature, which allows time to censor profanities, without realizing.

A transcript of the end of Spears’ call follows:

[Spears - who identified as “Mike in Mt. Airy”]

Yeah, yeah I do have come issues with some of them songs

You’re gone play a perfectly decent Jon Pardi song, and then Dan and freaking Shay?

[Ferry]

Watch it… (laughs)

[Spears]

Yeah anyway, y’all will play Jon.. and Zach Bryan… and Carly Pearce which is all good stuff

But then you will turn around after a loaded tea commercial and play that sissy junk

Literally nobody but stay at home stepmoms listens to that crap

[Lewis]

Seriously, keep it PG … we get it but…

[Spears]

Naw. Y’all using the same airwaves that once played The Possum and Patsy, it gets me fired up.

Y’all know me. This is Reginald Spears and I want y’all to know that while you’re doing better lately,

And that I really listen to my CDs and Spotify more than y’all, but

I don’t wanna hear any of that Kane Brown and his wife or Dan + Shay bullshit. Piss on ‘em. Fuc... [call cut off]

The 48-year-old Spears has a long history of tormenting the radio station and other local businesses with vandalism and “pranks,” in his off-kilter campaign against pop-country music he deems unworthy. Among the incidents are vulgar phrases mowed on the station’s lawn, unplugging the radio tower, and destroying an electronic jukebox. Mr. Spears has payed fines and served short sentences over the incidents, but has been relatively quiet in recent years. 

At press time, WTSM was disputing the fines with the FCC, and speaking with legal counsel to determine if they could sue Mr. Spears himself for damages if the dispute failed. 

The Crud Report, March '23, Vol. II

The Crud Report: March '23

Luke Bryan Worried He’s Repeating Cringe Dance Moves

Bryan performs the "full hunch"

Pop-country superstar Luke Bryan is currently in the midst of a concert at the 80% full Southaven Amphitheater in Southaven, MS, and he’s having a bit of a quandary.

Though every song has gone off generally without a hitch, and the crowd of young moms, sassy grandmas, and frat bros seems to be having a great time, there’s still something eating at him. He’s a pro and he’s here to give these fans a night of repetitive twangy pop-rock songs about beer and trucks and girls, but there’s one thing he can’t repeat if he hopes to keep them entertained. The cringe dance moves.

He replays the last 30 minutes in his head. He’s done the “goofy white boy above the waist dance” during “Rain is a Good Thing.” “Kick the Dust Up” got kinda silly with that new “gospel sway complete with handclaps.” The next song is a blur because that’s when a pair of panties from an um, ‘ample’ fan landed on the neck of his prop guitar. He thinks he did the ‘throw your hands in the air’ bit already, but he’s just not sure.

A cold sweat breaks out down his back. Luke has only pulled out one of the “big guns” thus far, but he doesn’t remember which one. The aforementioned “big guns” are variations of the pelvic thrust, which he calls ‘hunchin’.’

Hunch 1 is called the “dry hump.” It’s more of an up and down motion of the hip area and gets the lady-folk going right quick. Hunch 2 is the Elvis, which is self-explanatory. Hunch 3 is the “pound town,” which is a more forceful version of the Elvis. Hunch 4 is the “full hunch,” which he only breaks out during the encore, so he knows he hasn’t done that one.

Uh oh, the next song is “M-o-v-e” which expressly requires a full 30 seconds of hunchin’. He says a little prayer in his head and goes into the windup. He’s settled on Hunch 2, and as the cheers reach fever pitch, he knows he picked correctly. Luke feels pride in the fact that he’s the standard bearer of modern country music, and that he can provide each and every fan in attendance with just enough shallow music and booty grinds to get them through their week.

At press time, Luke was preparing to unleash the full hunch, as custodians waited in the wings with their mops.