Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Jerrod Niemann's "Blue Bandana"

Oh you must be joking, Trailer. I don't even know who this is. He looks like a pervert. Oohhh, wait. I do know who this is. This is that dude that sang the song about "riding my donkey donkey to the honky tonky." LMAOOO. This guy could give away all his money, sell his $50,000 truck, get a divorce and a drinking habit, move to a cabin in Louisiana, sing only Hank Sr. covers, and live off the land, and he still would be about as country as a butt implant.

 I read a review of another "song" he did last year and it says it was an EDM dance party song or some shit. Nashville is pretty much just a step or two above ISIS to me by now. Their destroying the foundation built by real Outlaws and REAL country singers. Jared Kneeman is a straight up joke. I won't even listen to this, Trailer. Theyre's not enough money in the world. The ruining of our nation. First they take the music, then they take the flag.

Reading the lyrics, this song seems to be about some skank who likes to go to music festivals. That's it. Thair is literally nothing else to the song. I'm guessing its a rap breakdown before the last chorus. Damn damn damn, George Jones would burn a CD of this song, then run over it with his mower. How can you people even take this crap seriously? I'd rather run barefoot with scissors at the running of the bulls then even here 10 seconds of this. I bet it sounds like Bon Jovi and Lady Gaga farting through an autotuner.

This so called country is more like CRAP. If you give this toolsatchel ninety-nine cents for this travesty against Hank Williams' soul, you'd be better off eating 99 pennies. The poop you'd have later would feel better then listening to this! One of the last lines says "I got a beat up van;" well, I wish he'd just get beat up.

Real Americana Hero

Single Review: Thomas Rhett - Crash and Burn

Thomas Rhett loves him some Bruno Mars. He's made that clear in past interviews. He even covered Mars' "When I Was Your Man" for a one-off single. So? Big deal, you say. Most of us like Bruno Mars; he of throwback rhythms, sock-hop soul, and late night come ons. Mars appeals to teens and olds alike with his general classiness and big, catchy smash hits that are ubiquitous to movie soundtracks, kiddie dance teams, trendy clubs, and awards show spectaculars alike. That's all true, but Thomas Rhett is a country singer, or at least when he filled out the job application his dad handed him, he checked off "country singer" on the Preferred Specialty field.

"Crash and Burn," Rhett's new single, may not be the least country single ever released to country radio (Sam Hunt and Jerrod Niemann have something to say about that), but it continues the push away from anything resembling Hank, Waylon, Tammy, Alan, or hell, Garth… that the Nashville machine continues to support. On the plus side, at least it errs by going the classy-pop-R&B route rather than the trashy-hick-hop route of most of Rhett's peers, but still …it's not country. It's catchy as hell, but it's not country.

The vocals are decent enough, but the performance fairly lacking in the soul you might expect from a tune like this. The songwriting is solid (Chris Stapleton's name is on it after all), it's the production that does all the damage. Snaps, claps, whistles, beats… (I'm not sure I hear a single stringed instrument in there). The backing vocal (which I believe is an unfortunately disguised Stapleton) at times even sounds like that great country music icon, Nelly.

Mainstream country has been trying to rebrand the "country" in its genre name as "every type of music popular in the country called America" rather than "rural music" for a while now. The argument can be made that Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton (at times), Garth Brooks and others already took country away from its roots with their crossover music and that it's all cyclical… but I'm not sure it is anymore. Cyclical now means trading one non-country trend for another, bro-country for EDM for blue-eyed soul for who knows what's next. I'm doubtful the cycle will ever return to traditional or even neo-traditional.

"Crash and Burn" isn't a flashpoint or a particularly aggressive slight against all traditional country fans hold dear; it's just another signpost in a great genre's loss of identity. This sounds like a smash hit; I just wish it was on pop radio alongside Bruno.


-Trailer

Kelsea Ballerini Isn't Choosy

There Can Only Be One Donkey

10 Worst Country Singles of 2014

Worst Country Singles of 2014


1. Jerrod Niemann - Donkey
Four of the worst singles in country music history were released in 2014 and Jerrod Niemann was responsible for 50% of those. Well done, jackass. In attempts to "change with the times" and "stay hip" and "get it turnt up to 100 with the young people," Niemann put out 2 bombs I can't even listen to without looking for the Pepto. One of those actually managed to become a #1 hit. This one, thankfully, utterly torpedoed the current phase of Niemann's career. I don't wish harm upon his ability to earn money and provide for his family, but I'm very happy that he's going to have to stop sucking to become relevant again. "Donkey" is sexist, stupid, arrogant, and repugnant. Try again, Niemann.


2. Jason Aldean - Burnin' It Down
Four of the worst singles in country music history were released in 2014 and Jason Aldean put out the sleaziest of those 4. I'm glad I didn't grow up in a generation in which enough of the target demographic thought this was sexy enough to make it a hit. "Burnin' It Down" is about as sexy as skid marks on silk panties. The fact that this piece of crap is from somebody about as worthy of hero-worship as John Edwards makes it all the more gag-inducing.


3. Florida-Georgia Line - Sun Daze
This song is about dumbasses smoking dope on a Sunday and having sex where food is prepared. What more do you need to hate it? There's whistling, fake reggae approximations, white boy slang, and not even enough of a melody to make it accidentally get stuck in your head. If hanging out with sexual harassment-prone douchebag burnouts whose goal in life is to collect wallet chains and sunglasses is your thing, by all means, get your Sun Daze on. I'll be over here listening to Sturgill.


4. Jerrod Niemann - Drink to That All Night
The verses of this song are delivered in a fashion that it can be classified as neither talk singing nor rapping; he sounds disinterested, and who can blame him? This is a staccato, autotuned mess of cliches and swagger that makes me prefer flipping Jerrod the bird over throwing my hands up high. Mainstream country's need to include every genre or trend from the Hot 40 is perplexing, pathetic and cringe-inducing. This garbage song is symbolic of country's identity crisis in 2014. Jerrod Niemann has talent, but this year he chose to chase a buck over finding a sustainable and signature sound to develop himself into a career artist. If he continues on this path, he'll be a Wikipedia footnote about two-thousand-teens country music.



5. Cole Swindell - Chillin' It
Cole seems like a nice enough guy. However, his 2014 stardom seems more the end product of good connections over actual talent. Luke Bryan's former merch guy karaokes his way through this potboiler of a summer anthem with all the conviction of a nervous 8th grader doing his first persuasive speech about the dangers of asbestos removal in Mrs. Latham's third block Thursday class. It's also about that interesting. The production isn't much better either. It's probably the first example of bro-country lite that seems to be taking over the airwaves lately: less obnoxious songs about trucks and girls that are no less uninteresting if a bit friendlier. This is the audio equivalent of peanut butter on toast for supper. I hope he was a better merchandise manager.

6. Maggie Rose - Girl in Your Truck Song

7. Raelynn - God Made Girls
 

8. Chase Rice - Ready Set Roll

9. FGL/Luke Bryan - This is How We Roll

10. Brantley Gilbert/Thomas Rhett/Justin Moore - Small Town Throwdown

Dishonorable mention: Scotty McCreery - Feelin' It

Missing Artist Report

Buzz Back Meme

Monday Morning Memes: Garth, Sam Hunt, Dallas Davidson

Country TwitterFAIL: July '14

*if you think he's the best, why can't you be bothered to spell his name right?

Little Known Facts: July '14

By Trailer and Jeremy Harris

If you don't use American made fireworks to celebrate Independence Day, 

Toby Keith will come to your house and put a boot up your ass.

Chase Rice's college football career was cut short due to an injury sustained in a tragic keg stand mishap.

Scott Borchetta doesn't mind if you question his business decisions and ethics, 

but if you say one word about his perm he will end you.

The average Luke Bryan fan can type 49 werds per minute.

Jerrod Niemann wants you to know that it was his record label's idea to release "Donkey." 

In fact, he didn't even want it on the album. In fact, that's not even him singing on the track. 

Seriously, guys.

Colt Ford is a really nice guy until you remind him that his music completely sucks ass.

Tim McGraw wants you to know that it was his record label's idea to release "Lookin' for That Girl." In fact…

Justin Moore only drinks top shelf liquor, unless he's alone and can't reach it.

Martina McBride stopped doing festival dates with bro-country acts 

because their fans would all wave American flags during "Independence Day."

In a recent competition to find country music's best looking beard, 

Whitey Morgan came in second behind Miranda Lambert.

Kenny Chesney once broke up a clothes-ripping brawl between Faith Hill and Shania Twain 

backstage at the CMAs. Said Ronnie Dunn, who witnessed the whole thing, "Chesney's a dumbass."

New country artist Walker Chase Blake hopes to stand out from the crowd with his new rap-tinged

single "Blah blah something about kisses at night or whatever."

Johnny Cash had an amazing collection of 19th century guns and antique books. 

Brantley Gilbert has a pretty sweet collection of glass pipes and Juggs magazines.

Jerrod Niemann Wants You to Forget

Ding Dong, the Donkey's Dead

Jerrod Niemann's horrendous "Donkey" has apparently been pulled from radio and Arista will try

to pretend it never happened with "Buzz Back Girl" on July 14.

Granny Niemann

A Little Good News

For the second week in a row, "Donkey" has had either a loss or no gain in airplay. One more and it's gone. Keep your fingers crossed. Even mainstream listeners have some level of standards, apparently.

Monday Morning Memes: Drunk Luke Fan, Chase Rice, etc.

Jerrod Niemann: Firm in His Convictions

Being Mean to Jerrod Niemann Again

Monday Morning Memes: Luke Bryan, FGL, Donkey

Nashville: A Drinking Town With a Country Problem

*And this is not an exhaustive list...