Honest Billboard Top 20: February '18

Sam Hunt, Billboard, Scotty McCreery Horror Posters

Realtime Trax: FTM's Song-Pitching Service

A new FTM service to help connect artists, publishers, and songwriters. Promoting only the hottest, most tempo-driven, active-listener grabbing Top 5-potential tracks from Nashville's youngest and most focus-group tested! Interested parties: Contact FTM for details!


My Love On Fleek
Chris Destefano, Josh Kear, Ashley Gorley, and 12 other writers combined on this hip, bouncy number about a young man's deep and abiding love for the hoochie he just met in a club. Mid-tempo, but pumping. Sounds Like: The Weeknd meets Sam Hunt. And yes, the title is correct. We're trying to stay cool with the millennials, son. *Thomas Rhett considering a hold on this track.


Summertime Thirst
The girls are looking hot in their bikinis and cutoffs and the guys are all ripped and five o'clock shadowed! Feeling thirsty? After hearing this killer cut, you will be! Primed and perfect for release as a single in early April of 2016 for a summer peak, this Bruno Mars meets Bruno Mars jam will have speakers bumping in all the jacked up 4x4's! Pour a drink and move on this sure hit immediately!
Shane McAnally, Ashley Gorley, and Ross Copperman writers.
*Thomas Rhett considering a hold on this track.


Turn Up (Da Country)
This club banger written by an army of LA and Nashville's brightest songwriters is the perfect Spring/Summer 2016 cut. Features tons of slang we think will be "raging" next year and is completely customizable to house/EDM/rock/hick-hop edits. We've crunched the numbers and this one's a hit! Perfect for male vocal band or hot, blonde female.


She's Basic, But She's Mine
For the C-level male artists, this one should endear artist to the average-looking, 15-30 year old female demo who love pumpkin spice. Important career-extender type song. Mid-tempo with current references and a bridge that even MILFs and cougars can get behind, this one's a sure Top 20-ish hit to get your Scotty McCreery-strata artist on a major tour as a curtain jerker. Written by The Warren Brothers & John Rich.

Wake Up America

This makes little sense and is blatant trolling of pretty much everybody. 

We'll do better next time.

Scotty McCreery's New Single is Confounding

Finding Scotty McCreery

Quote from CMT by way of Country California's wonderful weekly Quotable Country feature.

If Sam Hunt is "Country," What's Next?

 

10 Worst Country Singles of 2014

Worst Country Singles of 2014


1. Jerrod Niemann - Donkey
Four of the worst singles in country music history were released in 2014 and Jerrod Niemann was responsible for 50% of those. Well done, jackass. In attempts to "change with the times" and "stay hip" and "get it turnt up to 100 with the young people," Niemann put out 2 bombs I can't even listen to without looking for the Pepto. One of those actually managed to become a #1 hit. This one, thankfully, utterly torpedoed the current phase of Niemann's career. I don't wish harm upon his ability to earn money and provide for his family, but I'm very happy that he's going to have to stop sucking to become relevant again. "Donkey" is sexist, stupid, arrogant, and repugnant. Try again, Niemann.


2. Jason Aldean - Burnin' It Down
Four of the worst singles in country music history were released in 2014 and Jason Aldean put out the sleaziest of those 4. I'm glad I didn't grow up in a generation in which enough of the target demographic thought this was sexy enough to make it a hit. "Burnin' It Down" is about as sexy as skid marks on silk panties. The fact that this piece of crap is from somebody about as worthy of hero-worship as John Edwards makes it all the more gag-inducing.


3. Florida-Georgia Line - Sun Daze
This song is about dumbasses smoking dope on a Sunday and having sex where food is prepared. What more do you need to hate it? There's whistling, fake reggae approximations, white boy slang, and not even enough of a melody to make it accidentally get stuck in your head. If hanging out with sexual harassment-prone douchebag burnouts whose goal in life is to collect wallet chains and sunglasses is your thing, by all means, get your Sun Daze on. I'll be over here listening to Sturgill.


4. Jerrod Niemann - Drink to That All Night
The verses of this song are delivered in a fashion that it can be classified as neither talk singing nor rapping; he sounds disinterested, and who can blame him? This is a staccato, autotuned mess of cliches and swagger that makes me prefer flipping Jerrod the bird over throwing my hands up high. Mainstream country's need to include every genre or trend from the Hot 40 is perplexing, pathetic and cringe-inducing. This garbage song is symbolic of country's identity crisis in 2014. Jerrod Niemann has talent, but this year he chose to chase a buck over finding a sustainable and signature sound to develop himself into a career artist. If he continues on this path, he'll be a Wikipedia footnote about two-thousand-teens country music.



5. Cole Swindell - Chillin' It
Cole seems like a nice enough guy. However, his 2014 stardom seems more the end product of good connections over actual talent. Luke Bryan's former merch guy karaokes his way through this potboiler of a summer anthem with all the conviction of a nervous 8th grader doing his first persuasive speech about the dangers of asbestos removal in Mrs. Latham's third block Thursday class. It's also about that interesting. The production isn't much better either. It's probably the first example of bro-country lite that seems to be taking over the airwaves lately: less obnoxious songs about trucks and girls that are no less uninteresting if a bit friendlier. This is the audio equivalent of peanut butter on toast for supper. I hope he was a better merchandise manager.

6. Maggie Rose - Girl in Your Truck Song

7. Raelynn - God Made Girls
 

8. Chase Rice - Ready Set Roll

9. FGL/Luke Bryan - This is How We Roll

10. Brantley Gilbert/Thomas Rhett/Justin Moore - Small Town Throwdown

Dishonorable mention: Scotty McCreery - Feelin' It

I'm Sorry, This Exists: Christmas 2014 Edition

Here are some bizarre country (and 1 rock) music-related products, 

memorabilia and whatnot you can buy or gawk at this holiday season.

Really disgusting Luke Bryan panties

Mama failed. ("Mama Tried" thong)

Autographed baseball from renowned stars of the diamond, Rascal Flatts

Autographed Big & Rich panties.

Florida-Georgia Line prayer candles. You're going to hell if you buy these.

A vintage Aaron Tippin muscle shirt which is actually pretty awesome

A hideous personalized Brantley Gilbert shirt

Classy!

Lady A earrings for the girl or progressive fellow with three ears

A Megadeth bib for the headbanging rugrat in your life

This Scotty McCreery fried chicken ad

And... this "A Country Boy Can Survive" inspired taxidermy sculpture

Three Up Three Down: December '14

3 Up


Maddie & Tae - Girl in a Country Song
This is both a good song and a culturally significant song. Rarely do those two things equal a popular song, but here we are with it sitting at #1 on the Mediabase charts and others. Are listeners grinning a little and moving on to the next booty-on-a-tailgate song or nodding their heads in acknowledgement? It's hard to know right now, but I suppose we'll see in time. The fact that these thoughts about sexism and clichés in country music are now out there beyond FTM's constant complaining and the occasional newspaper website think-piece is a good start. The fact that Maddie and Tae have proven on their recent EP to be more than the vehicle for what some surely consider a novelty song is even more favorable. Fingers crossed.
B+


Eric Church - Talladega
Eric Church does nostalgia better than anyone on the charts right now because he starts with the personal and makes it sound universal, while everyone else seems to be taking the opposite approach. "Talledega" sounds like a big ol' yeehaw, NASCAR loving anthem if you just pay attention to the high points, but it's really a small story wrapped in a big idea. The chorus might call on everybody to sing along and it may beg for sponsorship opportunities, but the verses actually make you miss the fun and friends from that trip you may or may not have ever even made to watch cars turn left. It's wistful and epic and everything this kind of song should be.
A


Jake Owen - What We Ain't Got
Co-written by Travis Meadows and Travis Jerome Goff, "What We Ain't Got" is a powerful ballad about never being satisfied with with one's situation, possessions and relationships. It's a simple longing that falls into several categories of the Christian concept of sin, but one that no one is immune to. Jake Owen spoke of this song as a harbinger of change and he wasn't over-hyping it. The song opens Owen's field of view and enlivens the possibilities for his future work being more varied and deeper than flip-flops, summer flings and tan lines. It's also great for country radio, since its frequent play forces dunderhead bro's to listen to something with actual artistic merit and positive moral implications. Jake's vocal talent and commercial momentum combined with a truly great song make this a release of considerable importance.
A+


3 Down


Parmalee - Close Your Eyes
They rhyme "hotter" with "water." That's enough to disqualify this song from being anything I'd ever listen to on purpose, but worse than that, "Close Your Eyes" is a color-by-numbers. bro-country lite song created specifically to be airplay filler. And now, it's top 10 airplay filler. The emperor has no clothes and nobody gives a shit. Sing familiar words with a familiar melody that fits into the current sonic model and don't make anybody think negative thoughts and you've got a hit. Well done, Parmalee, former rock band who couldn't hack it without switching genres to take advantage of country radio's doldrums. Take a bow.
D


Scotty McCreery - Feelin' It
I've said it before: Scotty McCreery has a fantastic country voice. Much like his vocal doppelganger, Josh Turner, he's struggled to find material that both fits his rich delivery and the whims of commercial country music. He's done it with this track - if by "done it" I mean, focused entirely on the whims portion of that last sentence. Not that he sounds bad singing this craptacular song, it's just that any minuscule thread of artistic quality is foregone for a steady run up Bob Kingsley's countdown. How bad is this song? Well, Ray-Bans are rayin' and cut-offs are cuttin', whatever those two statements mean. The build to the chorus is basically saying "here, I will continue to sing you this song about how we are enjoying chilling in the sun and drinking beverages." The chorus is basically saying "We are greatly enjoying chilling in the sun and drinking beverages." Then he rhymes "hotter" with "water" and you already know my disdain for that sort of thing. This song can take its "glossin' lip gloss" and kiss my ass; it's completely embarrassing and pathetic. Scotty, if you're going to use your gift to unleash tripe like this upon the world, I'd rather you go back and give minor league baseball a shot. "Screwball's screwin', catcher's chewin'…."
D-


Florida-Georgia Line - Sun Daze
I'm sure I've already said enough about this one with memes and whatnot, but hey, it still sucks. While I did actually like "Dirt," I'm starting to think these guys are just lowering the bar with nearly every single to make their mediocre work sound like classics. "Sun Daze" is stupid, derivative, artless, and is only catchy in the way that kidnapping sometimes brings about Stockholm syndrome. FGL's previous low-water mark was "This is How We Roll." That song was at least interesting with its obvious critic trolling slang and attitude. This song is just spectacularly awful and further proof that you can never underestimate the taste of the American public.
F

From the Archives: The Scotty McCreery on the Shelf Collection

Since we're not doing these anymore (a real life tragedy always seems to happen 

that makes their comic violence seem very inappropriate), here's the unabridged collection of 

FTM's  Scotty McCreery on the Shelf posts. Originally posted on various dates.

 

 

Lyric Parody of Scotty McCreery's "Feelin' It"

  Another potty-humor lyric parody from the mind of a perpetual 13-year-old.

"Flatulence"
(Lyric Parody of Scotty McCreery's "Feelin' It")

I'm flatulent

Black beans beanin'
Salsa saucin'
Tacos down the hatch
Cheese is cheesin'
Beef is beefin'
I should have skipped this snack
Flatulence

Beer is bubblin'
Tummy's troublin'
Pressure's building' up (uh)
On a third date
I shouldn't have ate
Somethin' that would struggle in my gut (flatulence)

And I pray, I pray I can hold on
Hope nothin', nothin' will go wrong
I don't wanna play a sphincter song
Must hold it in

Whoa, oh no
Ain't nothin' like feelin' that intestinal feelin'
Hunched up, pray for luck, God willin'
but it's flatulence, It's flatulence
Whoa, oh no
Ain't nothin' like grinnin' while tension climbs
Drop an SBD if I can
Hope it don't get out of hand
It's flatulence
Oh, It's flatulence

Please no rippin'
Nothing for whiffin'
Slip, slippin' holdin' on tight (man this sucks)
Date gets hotter
Don't drop a rotter
Keep organs in a vice (flatulence)

And I pray, I pray I can hold on
Hope nothin', nothin' will go wrong
I don't wanna play a sphincter song
Must hold it in (like this)

Whoa, oh no
Ain't nothin' like feelin' that intestinal feelin'
Hunched up, pray for luck, God willin'
but it's flatulence, It's flatulence
Whoa, oh no
Ain't nothin' like grinnin' while tension climbs
Drop an SBD if I can
Hope it don't get out of hand
It's flatulence
Oh, It's flatulence

Egg needs layin'
Donkey needs brayin'
But my girl wants a kiss
Red faced confession
Gaseous expression
Baby forgive me for this
(Flatulence)

Whoa, oh no
Ain't nothin' like feelin' that intestinal feelin'
Set free, full relief, expellin'
It's flatulence, It's flatulence
Whoa, oh no
Ain't nothin' like grinnin' when tension's gone
She just laughs as she holds my hand
She says she understands
It's flatulence
Oh, It's flatulence

We go parkin'
Kia's rockin'
Please no shartin'
Oh, I'm flatulent

Taking Lyrics Literally: Scotty McCreery

There are so many odd phrases in Scotty McCreery's "Feelin' It," it could fuel a 1000 bad memes. Here's #3.

It Depends on What the Meaning of the Word "It" Is

Country Horror Movie Poster

Monday Morning Memes: BG, FGL, Scotty McCreery

Scotty McCreery Fan Club Meme

CMA Fest 2014 Bingo!

Others have done this in the past, but no one has stepped up this year so far, so....

Scotty McCreery's Surprising New Single

Little Known Facts: April 2014

ACM Awards organizers last Sunday scrambled to find a Rascal Flatts voice track when
Gary Levox walked onto the stage with a 12" chicken parmesan sub instead of his microphone.

The "H" in Scott H Biram is for Hoobastank and he is also

a founding member and the original keyboard player of the band.

Chase Rice chose his name from the punch line of an offensive joke about Asian people.

For the 2015 model, Chevrolet will be offering a special edition "country music" Silverado

that will feature two wheel drive with "4X4" stickers and oversized tailgate cables to

accommodate a higher dancer weight.

It takes a Masters Degree to fully appreciate country radio spin statistics. 

It takes a high school drop-out to fully appreciate Dallas Davidson songs.

After being named Taste of Country's sexiest male singer, 

Scotty McCreery celebrated his victory by entering a Clay Aiken look alike contest.

When James Bonamy recently stopped by Taco Bell for their new breakfast, 

the lady at the window said "Hey! Aren't you…. Jim from afternoon shift?"

The stick figure family on the back of Tim McGraw and Faith Hill's vehicle is actual size.

Vince Gill might sing like a girl but he can apply a mean front facelock if you piss him off.

When asked about the controversial tweets from Luke Bryan's camp concerning

the ACM Entertainer of the Year Award, George Strait replied,

"Who's Luke Bryan and what in the hell is a tweet?"

On April Fools Day someone switched Brantley Gilbert's Valtrex with 

Gorilla Glue... Jason Aldean was not amused.

Cole Swindell's greatest writing influence is his set of ABC123 words flash cards.

---------

Most of these by Jeremy Harris