Top 10 Reasons To Avoid A Pop-Country Concert

10. The performers will be singing pop-country.

9. It's the first place your parole officer will look for you.

8. They have both kinds of beer: Bud Light with or without lime.

7. If a girl has all of her teeth, she's underage.

6. The glare from Luke Bryan's teeth has been know to cause permanent retina damage.

5. You may be forced to park under a lifted truck if the parking garage is packed.

4. Colt Ford will be granted entry before you. 

Concession stands will resemble Old Mother Hubbard's cupboard.

3. Are you male? Do you have a tattoo of a deer visible when you wear a sleeveless shirt?

Are your jeans overly tight? Is getting your GED a life goal?

If you answered yes to at least 3 of these, you just became the opening act.

2. Unless you're in the front row, you can't see Justin Moore on stage.

1. Old shiny skinned white guys acting like they're teenagers.

-by Jeremy Harris

Top Ten Less Successful Americana Bands

10. The Sex Offenders String Band

09. The Ghosts of Fartknocker Mountain

08. Beards in the Silo

07. Uncle Yoakam and Those Dapper Fellows

06. The Tattooed Rockabilly Roller-Derby Crack Whores

05. Big Barry and His Lumbago

04. Offal

03. Joe Biden and the Shotgun Boys

02. Mumford's Third Cousins, Twice Removed

01. Pantaloons Medicine Tent Revival

Top Ten Appetizers to be Served at Rascal Flatts' Restaurant

When Rascal Flatts' Phoenix restaurant opens later this year, it will serve some unique main dishes, as we learned earlier. What appetizers will they be whetting your appetite with?

10. Fried Pickle Wrapped Corndogs

9. "Bless the Broken Bread" Softball Sized Yeast Rolls

8. Basket of Pork Rinds with gravy dipping sauce

7. "Mayberry" Fried Cherry Coke

6. Big-o'-Bowl-o'-Brisket

5. Chicken-fried Philly Cheesesteak Quesadillas

4. Cheddar-stuffed Calamari with ranch dipping sauce

3. "I Won't Let Go" Beer-battered Grilled Cheese Minis

2. Refried Chili-dog Pizza Nachos

1. Gary's "Healthy Choice" Double-fried Bacon-wrapped Cream-cheese-stuffed Green Beans

Top 10 Co-hosts CMT Considered Before Jason Aldean

Kristin Bell and the ever-ebullient Jason Aldean will be hosting this year's CMT Awards. Here are the other 10 potential co-hosts for Bell CMT considered before Aldean. 

(Editor's note: I'm not sure how some of these could have actually co-hosted, but go with it...)

Algebra

Drying paint

James Franco and Anne Hathaway

Growing grass

Lady Antebellum

Laundry

This bag of rice cakes

Televised golf

War and Peace

Josh Turner

Top 10 Things Brantley Gilbert Fans Spend Their Tax Refund On

10. Chemistry classes at the community college,

in which they will ask lots of off-topic questions about ephedrine and red phosphorous

09. Three words: Walmart Spending Spree!

08. Taking their special lady (possibly related) out to

the Backyard Burgers and then the Motel 6 out on the bypass

07. Breaking Bad DVD Set, for "research"

06. This website's entire stock.

05. An above-ground pool and a below-ground doomsday shelter

04. An Ed Hardy motorcycle helmet

03. Full body camouflage tattoo so they can hunt naked

02. Home DNA kit

01. Ether, iodine, brake fluid, lye, ammonia, matches, drano and hydrochloric acid

Top 10 Songs Blake Shelton Rejected For His New Album Based On A True Story

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Did you really think he turned down anything?
-Jeremy Harris

Top 10 Lyrics That Wouldn't Have Made "Accidental Racist" Any Worse

10. If you don't judge my candy paint whip

I'll forget the pain and punishment

9. To the bum that squeegeed my windshield at the stoplight down on Main,

I think you missed a spot

8. I try to put myself in your shoes but I look dumb in Air Jordans

7. Dear Mr. Honky, You ain't bout that life

6. Our generation doesn't deserve any blamin'

But we're still paying for old faux pas

5. When I put on that t-shirt, the only thing I meant to say is I'm a Brantley fan

4. If you don't judge my baby mamas

I'll say George Bush was better than Obama

3. Caught between achy breaky and Harlem shake

2. And it ain't like you and me are up to speed on history

1. If you don't judge my twenty-twos

I won't bust a cap in you

Top Ten Better Ways to Spend $1.29 Than on FGL/Nelly's "Cruise" Remix

10. Bacon flavored condom

From mactrast.com

09. One bullet to shoot iPhone of whoever buys said song

08. Ear plugs

07. Toss one-hundred twenty-nine pennies into a storm drain

06. Steel Reserve tall boy

05. Stamp and envelope to send Scott Borchetta hate mail

04. Toss $1.29 in change into dryer; enjoy the racket more than said song

Perfect accompaniment to your Steel Reserve tall boy!

03. Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Taco (Duh)

02. Cheap autotune app so you can sound just like FGL

01. Drop quarter and four pennies in toilet, wipe backside with dollar bill

Top 10 Shortest Books by Country Artists V

10. Social Media is Your Friend - Rich O'Toole

09. Hairstyles I Haven't Tried Yet - Lauren Alaina (from @Sam4Vols)

08. My Favorite Quotes From Liberals - Charlie Daniels

07. Hair Care Tips andTricks - Zac Brown

06. Talent for Dummies - Brantley Gilbert (from J. Rutledge on FB)

05. Blake Shelton's Most Intelligent Tweets

04. Great Non-Autotuned Florida-Georgia Line Songs

03. Lab Report from Hunter Hayes' Physician: Testosterone Levels

02. Recording Contracts for Dummies - Jamey Johnson (from @76crowes)

01. Male Celebrities & Musicians Age 18-35 I Haven't Dated by Taylor Swift

Top 10 Dumbest Things You Can Do at a Country Concert

Rolling Stone published this list of the 10 most annoying concert behaviors recently. It's true and all, but maybe... they've never been to a country concert?

Soooo....

Top 10 Dumbest Things You Can Do at a Country Concert

10.  Get so drunk you trade glittery dragon jeans with some dude in the bathroom

9. Loudly complain "Who is this Hellbound Glory crap? We want Kid Rock!"

8. Bum beers off friends ...with a $36 Jake Owen concert shirt hanging over your shoulder

7. Break a restraining order because you just had to see how beautiful

your ex would look singing along to "Cruise"

6.  Play air guitar during a piano solo

5. Yell "Play 'Country Must Be Countrywide!'"

4. Smoke during "Smoke a Little Smoke," hold up boots during "These Boots,"

feel up underage girls during "Creepin'"

3. Call your lawyer about suing the arena after you slip in some urine (yours) by your seat

2. Sing along to the three hits, not recognize the album cuts and complain about what a dumb song the Waylon cover is

1. Realize you're at a Luke Bryan show

*Gif image you will never unsee blatantly stolen from http://-dixiefried.tumblr.com/

Luke Bryan's Top 10 Resolutions for 2013

Thanks to some Twitter and Facebook pals for their contributions!

10. Create a Luke Bryan Signature Line of skinny jorts

9. Try and one-up Randy Travis by having a dead hooker

in the bed of his truck when cops find him passed out - @thegools

8. Perform one song without doing pelvic thrusts - @harriett0312

7. The Holy Grail of pop-country doucheocity: write or cut

a song even dumber than "Country Girl (Shake it For Me)."

6. Re-round his nuts - @ohbuffalo

5. Fit into his (sister's) jeans from 5th grade again - @shelbyjo

4. Rhyme a word with 4x4 Chevrolet Suburban - @BUBBAERVIN

3. Buy stock in Crest White Strips - @Mbarber17

2. Create a Luke Bryan "bobble-legs" (as opposed to a Bobble-head)

1. Get a baseball cap with no bill so he won't waste so much time 

figuring out which way is backwards - Shari Geller from Facebook

Top 10 Most Depressing Christmas Songs 2012

10. Butt-Chugging Eggnog

09. (There's No Place Like) Walmart for the Holidays

08. Hark the Tattooed Douchebags Sing

07. Christmas at the Romneys

06. It's the Most Communicable Time of the Year

05. Jodido Navidad

04. All I Got for Christmas is Prison Rape

03. Away in Benghazi

02. Colt Ford is Coming to Town

01. Sleigh Ride (Off the Fiscal Cliff)

Top 10 Halloween Costumes for Brantley Gilbert Fans

Halloween is the perfect time to dress up as anything you want - usually either something you could never be or something that's a reflection of your lifestyle. Without further adieu, here are the top 10 costumes for the BG Nation.

10. Probation Officer

09. Syringe

08. Gainfully employed person

07. Sexy graduate

06. Real country singer

05. Person who can read

04. Boob

03. Livestock Lover

From jokesunlimited.com

02. This

Oh wait, that's just a Brantley Gilbert fan on a typical day.

01. Sexy Meth Dealer

Top 10 Potential New CMT Shows

10. I'm a Douchebag….Get Me Out of Here!
Supposed country singers forced to live in an actual rural setting in southern Mississippi during the sweltering heat and humidity of July. Trucks must be used for work only. No cell service. 50 miles from the nearest can of Axe. Can they survive???

09. Kick It In The City
Country fans wearing tight t-shirts and skinny jeans placed in an urban setting at night, forced to fight their way out. Can they live up to all their big talk on YouTube?

08. Shake it For Me
Melissa Peterman stars in this new sitcom. In it, she's a middle-aged would-be Luke Bryan groupie who suffers from Tourette's Syndrome.

07. Larry the Cable Guy Theatre
Tom Whitney Jr., Larry's brother, hosts this weekly presentation of Larry the Cable Guy's stand-up specials, skits and movies (except Cars and Cars 2).

06. The White Trash Price is Right
"The Nature Boy" Ric Flair hosts this show which brings strippers, trailer park perverts, meth-heads and the like together to play games and bid on items like low-rider trucks, Brantley Gilbert CD collections, tickets to WWE events and cases of Old Milwaukee.

05. Toddlers and Typicals
Hunting dads teach their 2-4 year old sons and daughters the art of hunting whitetail bucks. Watch rugrats who can barely walk scurry up 30-foot deer stands or follow a blood trail through the thickets of central Tennessee. Hear fatherly comments like "Aim for his neck next time son! I know you can't even hold up the gun, but dammit, you gut-shot him!"

04. Are You More Smarter Then a Brantley Gilbert Fan?
This game show tests the wits, spelling skills and grammar ability of average folks against a motley crew of slack-jawed Brantley Gilbert fans. Sample questions: How many gallons will a 25-gallon F-150 gas tank hold?
What color does this guy sound? (audio quiz)
What is the definition of "affliction?"

03. Duck Poachers
Groups of drunken Arkansas residents compete to see who can double the legal bag limit before being caught by the game warden.

02. Pearl Pawn Stars
Follows the day-to-day operations of a Pearl, Mississippi pawn shop owned by Louie "Pops" McCall, his son/nephew Jimmy Dale McCall and a rotating cast of ne'er–do–wells. See them buy or haggle on items like a stolen septic tank, panties autographed by Jeff Bates, an original copy of Smokey and the Bandit 3 on beta and other treasures.

01. Meth Dynasty
Series introduces the Gilberts, a fun-loving Louisiana bayou family living the dark side of the American dream as they operate a thriving methamphetamine business while navigating through madcap adventures, trying to avoid the cops and keeping ahead of rival pushers.

Top 10 Ways Brantley Gilbert Fans Celebrated His CMA Best New Artist Nomination

10. Increased gauge size on earrings

09. Bought this for their bondo colored, big-ass truck

08. Oxycontin party

07. Drove into town - beat up city slicker

06. Popped open 10-year-old bottle of MGD

05. Fired guns and sprayed Axe into the air

04. Splurged for Bumpers burgers

03. Had celebratory sex with girlfriend/sister

02. Cooked up "special edition" batch of meth

01. High-fived cellmate

Top 10 Qualifications Needed to Sing at the Grand Ole Opry

 10. Be an air breather 

 09. Put forth some sort of sound from your vocal chords 

 08. No fatties 

 07. Ability to attach chain from jeans to wallet 

 06. Record sales 

 05. Name 

 04. Ability to look attractive while singing a cliché song somebody else wrote 

 03. Pulse 

 02. Payola 

(Just kidding, Charlie! This guy's good folks, even if he leans a little pop country.)

 01. Label pull