Apr 30, 2012

Brantley Gilbert says...

Honest Country Singer Names

I'm Not That Country

I'm Not That Country
©2012 FTM Satires

I just got these boots
My stylist said that they look cute
And the torn up jeans with with embroidered seams
Will make the girls and their mamas squall
I'm not that country, y'all

I don't play guitar
Didn't cut my teeth in sawdust bars
Wasn't Nashville bound till the day I was found
Modeling Hollister in the mall
I'm not that country, y'all

Got Flo Rida bumpin' and my Tahoe cleaned up good
Driving up to Music Row from my gated neighborhood
Meeting with my handlers to work on interview and drawl
I'm a country singer, but I'm not that country y'all

I've never drank moonshine
And I only dipped a couple times
When I used to pitch on college scholarship
I've never shot a game of eight ball
I'm not that country, y'all

I'm not fond of gravel but I've got a barbed wire tattoo
Only time I've shot a shotgun is on Modern Warfare 2
I'll be more authentic after this next conference call
I'm a country singer, but I'm not that country y'all

Somebody please send me a link
to Jimmy Cash's wiki page
So I'll know who I'm talking about
When I start dropping names

Got some Aldean bumpin' and my Tahoe cleaned up good
Driving up to a photo shoot from my gated neighborhood
Change a word on a Wiseman song, co-writing ain't hard at all
I'm a country singer, but I'm not that country y'all

I just got these boots
My stylist said that they look cute

Apr 28, 2012

YouTube Gems: The Refreshments

From one of FTM's Top 10 favorite albums ever, Fizzy Fuzzy Big and Buzzy, here's The Refreshments with "Banditos."

Apr 26, 2012

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: The Lacs - 190 Proof

(listen at the link above, if you do not value your salvation)

What do we have here now? Country rap rock music? This is surely an abomination before the Lord. I feel as though there is a special unvented 6x6 room in hell for anyone who writes, sings, raps, produces, releases, purchases, listens to or enjoys this sort of "music." And I haven't even commented on the lyrics yet. My soul is weary and my heart is full of dark clouds as I ponder this atrocity against all that is good and decent in the world.

The Lacs give us this sickening mix of electric guitar riffs, redneck rapping and country images as if they actually had the thought that this was a good idea. Were they under demonic possession when considering their options for a career path? The answer to this question is surely "yes." At least a prostitute is only committing one sin at a time.

Sinners. And proud of it.
This "song" is pretty much just a white trash grocery list of truck references and alcohol brands. The fact that the two are used in such close company indicates that these ol' boys do a lot of drinking and driving. Do you hear that, police officers? They are confessing to their crimes. The Lord already knew - now you do too. Act accordingly.

They talk of coon dogs, gallons of moonshine and going "rounds" with country girls. This is surely a sexual reference. Flee from sexual promiscuity, thus saith the Almighty. Flee from sin. The Lacs apparently flee TOWARDS sin as though they came out of the womb buttocks first.

Every man has the opportunity for redemption, so I'll include The Lacs in my daily prayer, but my hopes are dim for them. They preach of transgressions as victories. That's like the biddies at the church high-fiving one another for winning a Bingo game. Sin, sin, sin and post it on the Facebook! How can one be proud of getting "tore up from the floor up" or "tapping some country girl donk?" My country girl's donk is a good three feet wide, so "tapping" it would be a vast understatement.

Anyway, this is an immoral act of the Devil. A misdeed against God, me, you and humanity. Turn from the wicked unto the Lord before it's too late.


That's Not a Very Outlaw Flavor

Condescending Wonka Country Music Memes

Apr 24, 2012

New Soulja Boy Mixtape Cover!

Honest Ad for Hunter Hayes' "Wanted" Radio Promo

Album Review: Mercyland - Hymns for the Rest of Us

Songwriter Phil Madeira's Mercyland: Hymns for the Rest of Us does a great deal in the way of disproving the axiom "the devil has all the best tunes" with this solid collection of Americana-tinged spiritual songs. 

Joining him on 10 original (all but one of which Madeira co-wrote) and 2 traditional songs about faith are some of the biggest artists from the fringes of pop, country, rock and Americana including the North Mississippi Allstars, The Civil Wars and Emmylou Harris. Besides the excellent roster, one of the greatest strengths of this collection is its open approach to spirituality, without coming off as wishy-washy. 

Religion isn't the point here; belief and love are the overriding themes. Still, you never get the feeling that Madeira is pandering to PC concerns, only celebrating a common search for God, or at least, an appreciation for spiritual music. 

The first standout track for me is "Give God the Blues" whose vocals are provided by folk-pop songwriter Shawn Mullins. This song is a clever confession that no matter what faith we come from, be it Hindu, Christian or no faith at all, we all manage to give God something to worry about.

Another strong take is Christian artist Cindy Morgan's "Leaning on You." In it, she reveals that even in the difficult times, sometimes her faith is not as strong as it should be.

The album ends with a soulful take on "Peace in the Valley" from jazz guitarist John Scofield. It's a thoughtful conclusion to a cohesively devotional set.

Mercyland is for anyone, even the nonbelievers. This record clearly reveals that common bond of music is stronger than any differences we have. Highly recommended to fans of any of the artists, or anyone in need of something a little more profound than country radio provides.

Mercyland is available for $8.99 at Amazon

Apr 19, 2012

Another Great Levon Helm Tune

Here's Levon, The Secret Sisters and Ray LaMontagne with The Band's (Bob Dylan's) "I Shall Be Released." Might make you a little misty, it did me.

R.I.P. Levon Helm

What Up With That, Kenny?

I didn't find or Photoshop this. A Twitter follower brought it to my attention and it has made the rounds on Facebook a couple of times. Anyway, Kenneth has some 'splainin to do.

Country Day April '12: Parody Album Covers


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