Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Sturgill Simpson's New Album

I've heard some people calling Sturgill Simpson's new album a sellout. I'm one of those people I've heard saying that. Why Sturgill Why?

You had such a good thing going with the REAL DAMN country music, and you went and did this? Their's horns on here! Lots of them. Horns are not country. I mean, at least you don't have any record scratching or 808 beats, lol. But still, I'd rather here Sturgill put out the same album over and over then have to listen to this one more time.

Who the hell is Luke Bryan? I'll stick to the true Country Artists! Just had to get that out of the way for this review. I'd rather listen to myself being shot point blank in the face with a 12 gauge than listen to a Luke Bryan song. Yes, I mean that. I would rather die then spend 3 minutes of my life unhappy.

Back to Sturgill. I feel betrayed. Its nice he wrote some songs for his son or whatever, but ain't it bad parenting if you don't teach you're kids to listen to just COUNTRY DAMN music? I don't remember if I heard any steal guitar on here or not, because I tried to block the whole thing out of my memory then I poured bleach in my ears.

I mean this isn't as bad as Florida-Georgia Line, I don't think so anyway.. because I've never heard them but there terrible. This is just not good. Theirs a difference. FGL can't turn around and record a song that sounds like Waylon tomorrow, Sturgill can. And he should. I'm pretty pissed off about it. Life is about finding a spot that fits you and staying right the hell there. Why rock the boat?

I'm worried, Sturgill. Since you decided to do a album of Usher songs like this, maybe your gonna change it up again next time and sing about trucks. Don't do it. Don't make me angry, you won't like it of I am angry!

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Sam Hunt's "Make You Miss Me"

Sam Hunt - Make You Miss Me

Sam Hunt, Mike's brother, has a new song out and it sucks like all of them. He's not even country music but they play him on the country station, are so I've been told. I don't listen to that shit. If I was getting a mouth hug from a hottie and a mainstream country station was on in the background, I'd say "hold up baby, gotta turn this shit off."

He's singing about making a girl miss him, or at least I assume that's what its about judging by the title. It's not like I'm gonna listen to this poop. I bet he's rapping the verse and singing the chorus. Sam Hunt might not be a douche bag but he's definitely a tampon. 

Anyone who raps or sings like these freaks dosnt belong to country. "Whoa Whoa" is one of the lyrics. You don't wanna make it to hard for these morons to understand, right? Their all idiots! Later is says something about a slip knot. I hope thats too hang himself with for destroying country music! You should be a shamed Sam Hunt. My grandaddy didn't fight in the battle of Birmingham for you to be able to do this. (He beat up some John Denver fans in Birmingham one time)

Sam Hutt, Luke Bryant, the Florida Georgia Band.  I can honestly, and proudly, say I have no idea who those guys are. But I know there all terrible and if Waylon was alive he'd make sure his boot didn't miss Sam's ass.

My idea for a New song for the current line up of so called "CW" singers. "Who's Gonna Fill Their Panties" ?

Stop it Sam Hunt. Get out of my face.

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Michael Ray's "Real Men Love Jesus"

Listen hear but you don't want to: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XULnc3b8Dfg

Hell, I love Jesus. I'll whoop a man's ass who says I don't love Jesus. But too me, the only people qualified to sing about Jesus look like him. Even the women. This pretty boy looks like he's should be dancing with the Chip and Dales or something, LMAO. I bet he's had a couple of… never mind, Trailer says I can't make jokes about sexual orientation. PC punk ass. Go protest at Mizuri or something. I oughtta kick you in your safe space.

As you might imagine, i ain't going to listen to this song because its in the top 40 and anything that get's played on the radio isn't good. But I'll pick over the lyrics and critique his appearance so you know what's what. Do you think this guy has heard a Florida-Georgia Line song? I only ask that because its a great opportunity to remind you that I have never heard a Florida-Georgia Line song. You couldn't hate pop country more than me! What a sissy.

He says real men love fishing. I bet he's more into fis… never mind again. So what if men like to fish? I'm a real man and I like watching Netflix, shooting shit, and playing Halo, but you don't see me singing about it. And how does liking football make you a real man? This is all just stupid.

THE CRAP THEY CALL COUNTRY IS POP CRAP,,FOR THE LITTLE GIRLS,,,THERE ARE ONLY A HANDFULL OF REAL COUNTRY PEOPLE OUT THERE THESE DAYS

Who is sam hunt? No really I have no idea who he is. Or this guy. Michael Ray? He has 2 first names and 0 talent. Who thought this was a good idea for a song? Bitches love Jesus too. Does that make them a real man?

I'm into chicks, but this dude is handsome. To handsome for country music. Your supposed to be as ugly as a rake to sing REAL DAMN COUNTRY MUSIC. I'm done with this crap.

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Chris Stapleton - Nobody to Blame

Chris Stapleton - Nobody to Blame

For the first time ever, I actually listened too a song Trailer wants me to review. I mean, with everybody getting their underdrawers wet over this Stapleton fella, I figured I needed to hear what's got 'em so hot and bothered.

"Nobody to Blame" sounds okay, I guess. Their's some stuff in they're that reminds me of Waylon a little bit. Dude can sing like a motherf****r, can't anybody deny that. It's still to damn poppy for me. Theirs a bass line in there that makes me think of the booty club I drive by going to the bar on Friday night's. Whats up with that? If I wanna listen too 2 Live Crue, I'll put on some Hoochie Mama and get lit tho. By the way, I've never heard a Florida-Georgia Line song, I only listen to real damn music.

But this is suppose too be country music. Baselines are stupid in real country music. Its just supposed to be a guitar and a fiddle and maybe a jug. Anyway, I thought this song was not terrible like George Straight or Puke Bryant when I listened to it. That's where things got interesting though.

Chris Stapleton's wikipedia page says he's a songwriter. Okay, thats fine. Some morons can't write there own songs; I get it - their lame, but I get it. But it also says he wrote songs for Thomas Rett, Gary Alan, Derrius Rucker and Kenny Chesney and Luke Bryant too. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Now I'm pissed and I call Trailer and cuss him out! He tricked my ass.

Anybody who writes songs for those jokers is a fake and a fraud. Their killing country music and we need to save it some how. Chris is about as country as a ISIS sex orgy, or a Maroon 5 dildo, or Kim Kardasheein's ass. Chris Stapleton should call me and apologize. Somebody who does one thing in public but hides there secret life is a lying bastard. I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible.

Go pull your tricks on gullible bloggers and fake country fans, Mr. Stapleton. You're beard and long hair ain't fooling me. Your a sheep in wolf's clothing and your destroying country music one shitty song at a time. I don't care how much "talent" you have and how many "smart critics" think you're the shit, I think your shit. What a freaking idiot to real country music this guy is!

I'll be over here listening to badass music like Jamey Johnson. At least he'd never sell out!

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Maddie & Tae "Shut Up & Fish"

Trailer likes these girls for some reason and so do a bunch of other wusses who want to give any singer with real instruments a pass and say their alot closer to real country then other stuff on POPCUNTRY radio. Who cares? Do you want a cookie for not rapping in you're damn song?

I never liked Maddy & Tay, never will. They suck. I don't care if they sang a song making fun of "bros," it was all for the money. They do not deserve any thought. At the end of the day there still shitty pop country. The only chicks singing real country now is NOBODY. Take your Kacey Musgrove and your Ashly Monrow and shove em up your ass with Taylor Swift as far as I'm concerned. They ain't never drove a big rig or worked a tug or plowed a row, so don't talk to me about them bein' country. Loretta Lin was the last real woman country singer cause she raised a mess of kids in a shack and whooped her husband's ass all the time.

Now, lets get into this song. LOL right. As if I'm listening to this. It's called "Shut Up and Fish" so you know its some corny bullshit from the title alone. Brad Paislay called, girls, he wants his career of making dumbass joke songs in to big hits back. Ya'll so-called bloggers and critics just get bent all out of shape over some girls singing with a tiny little drawl and being cute and whatnot. It's a smoke screen and a smoke show. Their hot, nobodies denying that. But that and $1.29 will buy you a Steel Reserve to wash the thought of this crappy song out of you're mind!

It just goes to show you my great taste in country music. I have never heard of Luke Bryan before this month. I don't know what that has to do with this song; theres just a nagging in the back of my brain to say that every day if I have the chance. 

Anyway, somebody call me when Maddey and Taye grab a washboard and a jug and get real. And I don't mean start a jug band, I mean wash my clothes and bring me a drink, LOL. Keep it country!

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Alan Jackson's "Jim and Jack and Hank"

Alan Jackson, are you kidding me? This tall jackass, along with Bored Strait, and Girth Brooks are what destroyed country music! Trailer, if you don't get me some Hank 3 to review soon, I'm gone kick you're ass! Remember when Alan Jackson did that song about 9/11. Stupid. He didn't even have the stones to say that Building 7 was clearly a controlled demolition! I can never respect him for that!

"Jim and Jack and Hank" is the name of this song and those are all things I love, so maybe I'll at least listen to a verse this time. Wait, what the ffff? Is this "Achy Breaky Heart" lmao? Why would you wanna have a song that sounds like the dude who created Miley? This is terrible. "I became a little sad and called up my old dad" this shit is terrible. That's why I only listen to REAL country.

Florida-Georgia Line might suck but at least they don't pretend to be some kind of traditional country singer like this puke. I would spray a full can of mace in Alan's face. His music ain't that much different then Luke Bryan. It's all soft lady stuff for 40 year old suburban dads to pretend they are really country fans.

Your looking at real country.

Country + Rap = Crap. That doesn't really have anything to do with this song, but at least once a day, I feel the need to type that somewhere, usually on a Facebook post about how much Sam Hunt sucks.

 If anybody out their tries to tell you Alan Jackson is good country music and that his new song is better than what's on the radio at least, just tell them "stepping on a dry turd is better than stepping on a wet one, but that don't make it good." This is crap. Him and George Strait and Garth need to apologize to the ghost of Hank Williams. And than, he'd bitch slap them anyway!

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Jerrod Niemann's "Blue Bandana"

Oh you must be joking, Trailer. I don't even know who this is. He looks like a pervert. Oohhh, wait. I do know who this is. This is that dude that sang the song about "riding my donkey donkey to the honky tonky." LMAOOO. This guy could give away all his money, sell his $50,000 truck, get a divorce and a drinking habit, move to a cabin in Louisiana, sing only Hank Sr. covers, and live off the land, and he still would be about as country as a butt implant.

 I read a review of another "song" he did last year and it says it was an EDM dance party song or some shit. Nashville is pretty much just a step or two above ISIS to me by now. Their destroying the foundation built by real Outlaws and REAL country singers. Jared Kneeman is a straight up joke. I won't even listen to this, Trailer. Theyre's not enough money in the world. The ruining of our nation. First they take the music, then they take the flag.

Reading the lyrics, this song seems to be about some skank who likes to go to music festivals. That's it. Thair is literally nothing else to the song. I'm guessing its a rap breakdown before the last chorus. Damn damn damn, George Jones would burn a CD of this song, then run over it with his mower. How can you people even take this crap seriously? I'd rather run barefoot with scissors at the running of the bulls then even here 10 seconds of this. I bet it sounds like Bon Jovi and Lady Gaga farting through an autotuner.

This so called country is more like CRAP. If you give this toolsatchel ninety-nine cents for this travesty against Hank Williams' soul, you'd be better off eating 99 pennies. The poop you'd have later would feel better then listening to this! One of the last lines says "I got a beat up van;" well, I wish he'd just get beat up.

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Luke Bryan "Kick the Dust Up"

You know I ain't going to listen to this shit. I could review it with my eyes closed - it's the same old hair metal EDM country rap nonsense as everything he puts out. Some people say Luke Bryan used to be good, but I know that's not true because he's always been played on country radio. Therefore, he sucks. If you don't write you're own music, record it in your garage, and play it for 7 people at some crappy bar on Thursday nights, your not really country. Sorry, somebody had to say it. Top 40 country is nothing what it used to be.

I'll read the lyrics and review those, but even that might make me puke everywhere, lol. At first he's singing (or rapping, probably!) about farmers. If I was a farmer, I would put my boot so far up Luke's pansy ass, he'd be tasting steel toe when he eats his Greek yogurt every day. Later on he says he's "burning up a back roads song"… yeah, probably listening to Rupaul or Iggy Ass-ail-ya, or himself. He probably never even heard of Jerry Reed! Each to thier own I guess!

Oh dear God, what is this rhyming 'up' with 'up' shit? I bet it took 15 dudes with goatees and backwards flat-brim hats jerking off in an office to come up with this crap. If Hank Sr. could hear this mess these pretty boys have made out of his beloved country music, he would mix pills and liquor again!

Later on, Puke Bryant sings about drinking a jar of "clear." Yeah right! If he even took a whiff of some real moonshine, he'd pass out like a little girl. Anyone every plays Luke what ever her name is in my truck, I'll set it on fire with them in it and roll it into a culvert. I would literally comment murder, it's that damn bad!

So, in summery, you would be better off neutering yourself then listening to "Kick the Dust Up."

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews ZBB "Loving You Easy"

Zac Brown sucks. If he was playing in my neighbor's yard, I'd call the cops and say they're was some sort of unauthorized "men who love farm animals" protest rally going on and that they were disturbing the peace with there bullshit and to especially taser the fat, bald guy wearing a ski hat in May. WTF. You know when theirs 14 guys in a band, theyre over-compensating for something. I've never even listened too one single note this "band" played. There not even talented enough to shine Hank 3's balls.

This song is probably terrible. I'm not going to soil my ears by wasting one second on this 'pop cuntry' garbage. If theyre's more than 4 people in a band and 2 of those aren't steel guitarists, I don't want to here that crap. This nugget is called "Loving You Easy," and that's enough for you to know that Johnny Paycheck wouldn't have warbled a note of it. He didn't love dem hoes, lol. If you're out their making songs for teenage girls, than you should at least be man enough to admit your just in it for the money. I heard Zac is making dance music now too. Next he'll be shaking his booty like Fluke Bryan.

Don't insult are good taste with this crap, Trailer. Don't make me review stuff like this when thare's so many good real-ass country bands out there that need a little help getting noticed. Take this new band from North Carolina, Buck Snort and the Stump-jumpers, for instance. They have a fiddle player, 3 steel guitarists, a jug blower, a washboard strummer, and a singer who makes Sturgill Simpson sound like a Nashvile sparkly-pants wearing pretty boy. Let Zac Brown's fat ass feed his own self. Don't buy this song, anybody. Keep it country!

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Zac Brown Band - Loving You Easy
(listen to song here)

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews New Tim McGraw

Welcome Carl Outlaw, real country fan, to FTM as a new reviewer to replace the soon-to-be grad Brittany Fant. Carl fancies himself a country purist and I fancy him, uh, pretty much a jackass. NSFW.


Tim McGraw - Diamond Rings and Old Barstools

 Really? Really? Tim McGraw is my first review for Farce the Music? Haha. This dude is so fake, he makes the Kardashians look like the Hatfields. How'd he get Faith Hill? I mean, she sucks at singing country, but I'd like to feel her "breathe" if you know what I mean.

This yuppie wouldn't know country music if it bit him in his anorexic ass. This is the same guy who sang "Truck Yeah" in case you forgot. He got down on his bony knees and said "whatever you want Mr. Borshitta!" Waylon never sang about trucks and that's all I need to know. Hank Sr. is rolling in his grave like a rotisserie chicken every time Tampon McGraw opens his stupid mouth.

Tim uses autotune all the time and he hasn't written any of his songs so you know he's a punk ass. Anybody who doesn't write they're own songs by themselves in a dark room while drinking bourbon and crying isn't really country. Pop country is neither pop nor country, it's just bullshit.

 I actually didn't even listen to this song because Tim McGraw is a douchebag and I know anything that comes out of his mouth is crap. Actually, I don't even know who he is and I've never heard any of his "songs" if that's what you could call them. I would pay like $500 to punch him in his Hollywood plastic surgery, plastic hat wearing face.

Go lick some balls, Timmy.



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Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece by a fictional lout who thinks he is the arbiter of which music is actually country. Much like myself, minus the lout part.