Farce the Music: Luke Bryan

Showing posts with label Luke Bryan. Show all posts

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Luke Bryan Worried He’s Repeating Cringe Dance Moves

Bryan performs the "full hunch"

Pop-country superstar Luke Bryan is currently in the midst of a concert at the 80% full Southaven Amphitheater in Southaven, MS, and he’s having a bit of a quandary.

Though every song has gone off generally without a hitch, and the crowd of young moms, sassy grandmas, and frat bros seems to be having a great time, there’s still something eating at him. He’s a pro and he’s here to give these fans a night of repetitive twangy pop-rock songs about beer and trucks and girls, but there’s one thing he can’t repeat if he hopes to keep them entertained. The cringe dance moves.

He replays the last 30 minutes in his head. He’s done the “goofy white boy above the waist dance” during “Rain is a Good Thing.” “Kick the Dust Up” got kinda silly with that new “gospel sway complete with handclaps.” The next song is a blur because that’s when a pair of panties from an um, ‘ample’ fan landed on the neck of his prop guitar. He thinks he did the ‘throw your hands in the air’ bit already, but he’s just not sure.

A cold sweat breaks out down his back. Luke has only pulled out one of the “big guns” thus far, but he doesn’t remember which one. The aforementioned “big guns” are variations of the pelvic thrust, which he calls ‘hunchin’.’

Hunch 1 is called the “dry hump.” It’s more of an up and down motion of the hip area and gets the lady-folk going right quick. Hunch 2 is the Elvis, which is self-explanatory. Hunch 3 is the “pound town,” which is a more forceful version of the Elvis. Hunch 4 is the “full hunch,” which he only breaks out during the encore, so he knows he hasn’t done that one.

Uh oh, the next song is “M-o-v-e” which expressly requires a full 30 seconds of hunchin’. He says a little prayer in his head and goes into the windup. He’s settled on Hunch 2, and as the cheers reach fever pitch, he knows he picked correctly. Luke feels pride in the fact that he’s the standard bearer of modern country music, and that he can provide each and every fan in attendance with just enough shallow music and booty grinds to get them through their week.

At press time, Luke was preparing to unleash the full hunch, as custodians waited in the wings with their mops.