A few helpful tips for enjoying your mainstream country music festival this summer:
• Hydrate before entering concert grounds (that means drink water, Luke Bryan fans)
• Apply 50 SPF or higher sunscreen
• Familiarize yourself with exits - that will come in helpful during the likely riot
• Drink in moderation or pace yourself (Fireball, water, Jager, water, Fireball, water, vomit, repeat)
• Pre-plan meeting places if your group gets split up
• Make sure you have paper or digital ticket ready when waiting in line
• Drive a car to the concert and you'll be able to find it more
quickly after the show because literally everyone else will be in a truck
• Take a self defense course prior to festival
• Never look a bro in the eyes; you could probably kick his ass,
but is he really worth a night in jail?
• Never accept open drinks from strangers
• Wear a knife/bullet-proof vest under your wife-beater
• The only sexual relations that should take place on festival grounds
is you getting screwed out of $7 for a domestic tall boy
• Don't believe she's "on the pill" if you just met her
• The stoner who hugged you during Eric Church's encore
is not your friend; don't loan him twenty bucks
• If you notice that someone has gotten a wallet chain through security,
avoid them because wallet chains can be used as weapons or means of restraint
• After eating concert vendor fried foods, never trust a fart
• You can buy that $35 t-shirt for $25 on their website
• Men in huge novelty foam cowboy hats are always perverts
• When the riot breaks out, hide in a rolling beer cart - nobody's going to destroy a beer cart
• The sashimi tent is a bad idea
• If some drunk guy looks like he's about to puke, point him toward
the tall guy with the girl on his shoulders who are blocking your view
• Don't video songs - are you seriously going to subject yourself to Tyler Hubbard more than once?
• Don't eat anything you don't want to taste twice
• If someone cuts in line for the port-a-potties, wrap wallet chains around the potty and lock him in
• If he's got a barbed wire tattoo, he's got an STD
• If she's got a tramp stamp, she's probably got a kid your age
• Stop drinking 2 hours before the show's over; is seeing
Chase Rice warble about hotties really worth a f***ing DUI?
• Never yell "come at me bro" because the sheer number of nearby bros
who will think you're talking to them ensures a beatdown
• When leaving the concert, never tell your arresting officer
to "s*** your d***" or that your dad's a lawyer
