Farce the Music

Mar 18, 2022

Like I Was the Only One to Blame

Mislabeled Memories

Ryman Sold; To Be 4 Story Dan + Shay Bar & Grill

The “Mother Church of Country Music,” the Ryman Auditorium has long been a landmark and hallowed ground for country music and Nashville, but it will soon give way to progress. In a stunning move, Ryman Hospitality Properties, Inc. Thursday announced that it would sell the property to Woo Girl Holdings Company, LLC.

Woo Girl immediately went public with its plans to transform the cultural stalwart into a four story entertainment complex, bar and grill. “We’re moving Nashville forward and giving this area a slick update with Dan + Shay’s Tequila Ballroom,” said Chief Marketing Officer Leslie Cransford. “It will be an entertainment center with 6 bars, 3 restaurants, a massive gaming area, and possibly a small corner dedicated to live music or whatever.”

Demolitions experts have already begun preparations to bring down the 130 year old structure, with dozers, excavators, and haulers to follow, leaving not a single brick in place. “It will be an entirely new edifice,” said Cransford. “The age and, let’s face it, ‘general air of twang and sawdust’ are not conducive to our contemporary and fashionable project. We’re starting over from the ground up, to reference a Dan + Shay masterpiece.”

The Ryman, which was the home of the Grand Ole Opry from 1943-1974, has continued to host concerts and gatherings through the years, holding on to its honored place in country music fans’ hearts. “Dan + Shay’s Tequila Ballroom will certainly give a nod to the past; we plan to have a plaque dedicated to the history of the Ryman in the 2nd floor hallway to the restroom.” said Cransford. “We feel it very important to acknowledge our roots, yet reach for the sky at the same time.”

Another nearby country music mecca, Ernest Tubb Record Shop, was also sold recently, with plans to turn the spot into a selfie mural and kombucha bar or some shit.

#fakenews #satire

Mar 17, 2022

New Video / Ben Chapman / "Make the Night Better"

From his excellent new album Make the Night Better.

Although It Hurts Me So

Top 10 Traits for Getting a Country Record Deal 2022

10. A built in audience of TikTok fans you duped into thinking you were talented

9. A gym membership

8. Generic, character-free male country voice

7. Willingness to be an opening act forever (females)

6. Willingness to be a headliner with your own bus right out of the gate (males)

5. Ability to politely say nothing with many words, when asked about a serious topic in an interview

4. Strong knowledge of hair care techniques, including advanced shampoo and condition, heat protection, volumizer, mousse, and shine serum

3. Have large or new family and only talk about them ever and nothing else

2. Musical inspirations must include at least 3 of the following: 21 Pilots, John Mayer, Lil Wayne, Drake, Ariana Grande, Sugar Ray, Kanye, Keith Urban, Imagine Dragons, Taylor Swift (pop era).

1. Be boring as dry dog shit