Farce the Music: Satire

Jan 14, 2022

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Lawsuit Filed Against Dollar General Over Mainstream Country Played in Stores

A man in rural Georgia has filed a lawsuit against the retail giant Dollar General over the music played in their stores. Carl Schwartz, the attorney filing the suit, alleges that the mainstream country music regularly played over their loudspeakers has attributed to the man’s mental anguish and caused him irreparable emotional harm over the years.

“My client, a regular customer of Dollar General, has been subjected to a distressing amount of Luke Bryan, Walker Hayes, and Kane Brown during each visit to one of their establishments,” said Schwartz. “The constant barrage of trucks, appropriated slang, and shallow subject matter has caused him an unreasonable amount of anger, sadness, and physical discomfort.”

Schwartz went on to say that no matter which Dollar General his plaintiff entered, whether the one on the bypass, the one next to the one on the bypass, the one over on 16, or the one close to his house, the same brainless bile was pumping through the speaker system as he attempted to dash in for paper towels or a six pack of Pabst. “We will attempt to establish that the endless loop of Florida-Georgia Line, Thomas Rhett, and Sam Hunt brought real and provable trauma upon his quality of life. Hell, that “shake it for the catfish” song alone should be barred from use as a war prisoner coercion method.”

Dollar General, in a statement, said that the lawsuit was ‘frivolous’ and that any judge would throw out the case on its lack of merit alone. “The plaintiff, while not named to the public at this time, is a well known troublemaker once banned from one of our competitors over similar matters,” said DG’s lead attorney Mark Torrance. “He’s a nut; who doesn’t sing along to that Applebees song??”

At press time, the plaintiff was apparently willing to settle out of court for Turnpike Troubadours tickets, room and board.