This Guy Rants About Country Music “Authenticity”

We’ve all seen the stories. We’ve all herd the new boring songs. Mainstream country music is evolving in front of are very eyes and I for one do not like it!

Remember the good old days when you could drive you’re girl out to the bonfire in your pick up truck and turn on the country station and not worry that there might be a serious or sad song on their? I miss those days! 

Nowadays when I drive my sidechick in my Raptor and turn on the radio, it’s Luke Combs crying about going somewhere in a fast car, or Ashly McBridde singing about her family or some shit. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Am I right?? 

And the Spotify country playlists ar just as bad. Who tf is Zach Bryan? Is that Luke’s more boring younger brother? I listened to him for 1 whole minute and he did not mention Fireball, pretty tan feet, or the summer moon even once. That ain’t country! And his songs don’t even make any cents. Keep it simple and keep the party going, Zach. Come on man!

I seen that ol’ Zach had the number one album and song in America, and I shed a tear. It feels like things are changing and I’m kinda scared because where else is there to listen to music I like but the radio? Singers are putting their flat brim caps and skinny jeans away, and getting out cowboy hats and work boots. It’s not okay. 

John Party or Chris Stapleton were the ones who started this mess. With a name like Party, John should’ve been dropping the beat and lighting crates on fire for the hotties in every song, but nooooo he’s got to have old whiney instruments. And Chris Stapleton only wrote one good song in his life and that was Thomas Rhett’s “Crash and Burn!”

I look at the tragic break up of Florida-Georgia Line and just think, who’s gonna fill there square toe boots? I see Luke Bryan losing popularity and wonder who’ll tell the country girls to shake it anymore? I here people talk about Cody Johnson and Tyler Childers and weep for the future and all the trucks that won’t have nutz and the coal that won’t be rolled. 

It’s a sad day in America when even Jason Aldean is singing about serious crap. I was going to put a hole in the drywall I’m so mad, but I’ve matured. So I’m just gonna go put on my Chase Rice album, vape some clouds, and pour out some White Claw for the better times. 

This Guy Honors Florida-Georgia Line’s Legacy

Well, I can’t belief it but it has finally come. The day what I never imagined… Florida-Georgia Line’s last concert has happened. They have said their just taking a break but that’s what my ex-wife said too and that bitch is living in Gwata malla or something.

Any way, we’re hear to honor the glorious career of Florida-Georgia Line, the greatest country band in history! They paved the way for country music to not be lame and sad like it used to be and opened doors for awesome singers like Walker Hayes, Mitchell Ten Penny, and Morgan Walling. I can’t thank them enough for making country music great again.

Man, all the times I macked on honeys at a bar while “Cruise” was playing. They new I was a man of distinct coolness when I new every word! I’d take em back on a back road in my lifted Raptor and give em the disappointment of their lifes, but hell their’s more fish in the sea.

Me and my boys did many a keg stand listening to “This is How We Roll” and then we went out for a drive and listened too it some more and threw stuff at signs. Those were the days!

Now, FGL has a lot of critics, so let’s be honest. Were they the best singers? Probably just top 5 all time in that cat a gory. Were they the best lyric writers? Hell yes. Did there songs kick the most ass? You are motherf***ing right! So suck it critics. This band changed the face of are favorite music for the better so go listen to you’re sad boy American Airconditioner or Taylor Simpson or what ever and let me enjoy my good time classic country from Brian and Tyler!

I’m sad too see them go, but I will always cherish the mammaries. Don’t cry because its over, smile be cause of the good times what was. I wish I had been they're for there last show, but I was their in spirit! I hope the crowd pumped those fists, sang those songs, drank those beers, staired at them girls in cut off shorts. Dam that sounds like heaven. Anyway, thank you FGL for the grate music guys!

Pour out a Fireball for da boyz!

Simp Actually Enjoys Hearing Women Sing Country Music

Written By This Guy?

Ft. Lauderdale - A male country fan has confessed to actually liking country music performed by women. Florida panhandle man Harvey Christian counts himself a fan of Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, AND Ashley McBryde, among others. The simp finds their shrill and annoying voices somehow enjoyable. Really.

Studies by mainstream country research firms have proven time and again that female singers should only be the exception and not the rule when programming radio playlists. Tomatoes in the salad, if you will. And yet, this purported country music fan truly finds chick songs to be engaging and of artistic merit. P****-whipped! 

“The women sing about subjects of substance more often than their male counterparts,” said the wuss. “And even when their songs are light-hearted, I find them more engaging and memorable.” LOL, I guess he’s never listened to Dustin Lynch!

While other real men listen to stalwarts like Florida-Georgia Line, Luke Bryan, and Sam Hunt, Harvey-freaking-Christian is white knighting all over social media about how much he loves Margo Price and Mickey Guyton. It’s nearly certain he’s just trying to get into some liberal babe’s pants. We don’t buy it. 

“No, I’m happily married and my wife listens to jazz and pop so I’m not trying to impress anybody,” insisted the pansy. “I am telling you the gospel truth when I say that I truly find pleasure in hearing females perform country and western music.” Liar. Data says even women don’t like women singing, so what’s the deal??

“I even love the classics like Patsy Cline, Tammy Wynette, and Loretta Lynn,” sucks up Christian. “They didn’t get the due as they deserved in their time.” Patsy’s dead, loser, she’s not going to read this!

At press time, this subservient wimp was queuing up some Lori McKenna, to get in his feelings or whatever. 

This Guy Rants About The CMA Entertainer of the Year Award Controversy

Garth Brooks won the CMA entertainment of the year award and everybody’s in there feelings about it. I’m a little mad myself sense Keith Urban didn’t win it, but that’s not why other people are all salty. They think, get this, that Carry Underwood or Eric Church shoulda won. LMOA! On one side you’ve got all the feminists who want women to win everything and rule the world (go rule over the laundry room, lol). On the other side, you’ve got hipster country fans who think Eric Church is any good. 

There both wrong! If Keith Urban couldn’t win it Garth is the man! I’ve seen garth live at least 5 times and it was a damn party! He ran around like a crazy person and climbed on stuff and yelled! It was bad ass. And Garth is one of the inventors of country music. How could you not know that? Him and Tim McGraw are the first people to make country music worth listening too so I consider them the pine ears of the music! 

Now lets look at Eric Church. He’s obviously on drugs sense he never takes off his shades. And his songs are all complicated and shit. I just want to here about not going down till the sun comes up and drinking two peenya coladas and friends being in low places but he sings about monsters and being desperate or some crap. That’s not country! And he sings about that liberal loon Bruce Springsting to. I don’t know anybody who listens to that lefty crap so why would I want to hear a song about him?? Duh.

Now Carry Underwood is hot. I’ll give you that. She’s real entertaining if you turn the sound off, you know what I’m saying? But when you have to here her voice, it’s awful. And she sings about love all the time. She’s also a liberal deep state member. It’s crazy we let these people into country music in the first place! She’s a vagrant too! That means she doesn’t eat any meat products. What.the.f.? Both her and Eric don’t want me to have my collection of bazookas and Gatling guns. Damn gun grabbers. Neither one of them deserves to be the entertainment of the month at Chucky Cheese’s much less for the hole country music asociation.

My final comment is: scoreboard! Garth won. Get over it. You can’t try to get rid of him like your trying to do too a certain other American hero right now. God blessed country music an America!

This Guy Rants About Women on Country Radio

All right, so the controversy of the day is women singing country music. Lots of feminists say their isn’t enough chicks on country radio. They say there isn’t enough babes singing at country festivals. I don’t know what there smoking.

I looked at the country chart and there is at least 6 female singers in the top 40. Last year there was like 3, so that’s a huge victory for the feminazis in my book. They already made me have to listen to 50% more women then I had to in 2018, if my math is right. What the hell more do they want??

Let’s just look at the numbers for a minute. 6 women. That’s more than has ever been president. 6 women. That’s more than has ever been the WWE Universal Champion. 6 women. It only takes one to make me a sandwich, LMAO.

Listen, I have great respect for the female sex. One of them raised me. Women are good at lots of stuff. There better arguers. They are good at shopping. And the female form is my favorite thing to look at in the world. 

But when it comes to country music, it’s a mans world baby. Men drive the pickup trucks. Men buy the drinks. That’s the two things that country music is about in 2019. I don’t want to here a woman singing about “he bought me a drink and asked me to get in his F-150” because that might put me in touch with my feminine side and that’s gay.

Also, girls’ voices are not as good as the guys. There high pitched and they shriek a lot. When I here them sing, it’s like my ex girlfriend yelling at me for accidentally having sex with her roommate. I don’t want to think about bad stuff. And that’s another thing. Women sing about all this serious stuff. I just want to party bruh. I just wanna raise up some Nattys and get wild. You can’t get lit to some babe singing about “girl won’t you stop your cryin’.” That ain’t it sis. 

So anyway, y’all should be celebrating in the street wearing vagina hats or whatever, sense their’s more women on the radio now. I don’t like it but if it makes the lefties shut up, I’ll deal with it. But don’t keep raising a stink about this stuff. Stay in your lane. I’ll stay in mine, swerving in my full size with the Jason Aldean blasting out the damn windows!

This Guy Rants About Cody Jinks Playing the Opry

LMOA! Who! When I heard last year that my boy Dustin Lynch was joining the Grand Old Opera I was happy as hell! For all he’s done for country music, it was about damn time! He makes music that makes chicks want to ride in my truck with me and that means he a legend! 

Now comes word that somebody name Cody Jinks is playing at the opery tonight. Cody Jinks, who’s she? LOL. Now I’m not a hater but shouldn’t people that plays the hollow hall of country music be somebody me and my bros have listen to? I mean, back in the olden days, they let people play who only did sad songs played with old timey instruments like guitars and fiddles, but in more recent years, they’s let my homie Hootie join and Dustin and folks like that. Party ass music, you know what I’m sayin?

I asked all are friend’s group if they’d heard of Cody Jinks and here was the results: Chad said “Who tf is that?” (Yes he really said “tf” out loud). Brad said “Is that the guy who used to date Brelynn?” Matt said “No.” Dylan said “I don’t listen to anybody who doesn’t have DJ in front of there name.” Only Carter said he’s heard of Cody, but Carter runs a blog or something and he’s pretty weird. 

There’s a thousand country singers who deserve to be on the Opary before Cody Junks. Like Mitchell Tenpenny. That dude slaps. Diplo! F**k yeah, he’s done two or three country songs everybody I know loves. Marshmello. He did that song with Kane Brown and he’s legit. I could go on for pair of graphs, but you get the point. 

I listened to a Cody Jinks song and I couldn’t even get threw thirty seconds before I wanted to attach a garden hose to my F-150 exhaust in the garage. Why dose anyone want to hear such sad songs and songs about grown ass adult stuff? That’s so boring. Give me real country dudes singing about stuff I knows about like hooking up in bars and hooking up in bars. 

Anyway, I’m probably never going to the Grand Old Oprery anyway because theirs some guy who plays there all the time named Ricky Skanks, and I’d just laugh the hole time.

This Guy Defends Mainstream Country

I'm hear to talk about everbody saying country music ain't country any more. It's something that really gets in my graw, and I'm sick and tired of it. I only git on Twitter to look at porn and threaten liberals, but ever time I do I see people like Mr. Farce the Music saying this same old stuff over and over. "They don't play no girls on country radio" "Sam Hunt is a pop singer" "FGL sucks"

Listen, you must not be hearing my local country station cause I here chicks on their all the time. At least once every four hours they play one and it's to much if you asked me. They all have whiny voices and they don't sing about the stuff I like. I mean, I'm not a sexiest, but women are supposed to be pop singers like Britany Spears, and not sing about hard, gritty country stuff like trucks and punching dudes.

Onto Sam Hunt now. He is a country singer weather you like it our not. Just because your old like 37 or something and wish all country songs we're still about crying in a bear or divorcing your cheating skank, doesn't mean us younger people wanna here about that stuff. Sit your old ass down and listen to you're eight track tapes with Tammy McEntire or whoever. I'm a country fan and Sam Hunt sings about things I expereeyence every day of my life like house parties and doing chicks on backroads. Jealous past your prime jerks just shut up. I hate pop music so clearly Sam Hunt isn't pop. I know my shit.

All these arguments just get old. You say the same things over and over:

Like "Where's the steal guitar?"
LMAO, TF is that.

"Where's the fiddle?"
You talking bout a violin's redneck cousin, bro? Nobody wanna hear that mess.

"There just appealing to young girls?"
And? Long as my girl is happy and in the mood, I'll listen too what ever she likes. If she looking hot and wanna call a Motly Crew song country, she can do it and you can step son.

So in summery, your stupid if you think what they plays on the radio now isn't real country music. Would some body in a position of authartity lie? Of course not. If Hank Williams Junyer was still alive he'd be making party music like FGL, and you know he would.

Get TF out of here with your salty old crusty head ass. I'm out hear tryna get my drink on and just have a good time and that's what country radio wants me to have to. Next your going to tell me that Lil Yachty isn't real rap music.

This Guy Reviews Luke Bryan's "Kick the Dust Up"

Awwww yeah! From the fist moment Luke says "kick the dust up" you know your in for a helluva ride and that its going to be one kicking country good time! After he says that, than theres a banjo playing and it's like a "whoa is this a blue grass song?" moment! For all his haters this should be the moment that finally end the doubt if Luke is a real country singer forever! Luke Brian write this song himself and its country and real so your wrong if you think he's not country! Now, I'm gone get feel a sophical hear, but mini people say Luke is just for girls be cause he wares tight genes and shakes his ass and sings about girls a lot, but I'm hear to tell you that the things he sing about resignates with me and my boys. Every weekend we do the same stuff what he sings about like light bonn fires, float a keg, tell girls to shake it, tell girls to back there thing up, fill are cups up, and that sort of thing, so to say he's not authennic is really a bunch of bullshit in my book.

When this song really kicks in and kicks ass, he's singing bout tractors and Z71's dawg. We turn this corn feel into a party! Hell yea! Tear it up up! I like that little high hat tap tap tap tap after the chorus. Then he sing about a jar full of clear. Hell yea! You know what he's talking about their if your really country, lol. Luke said he new this song was good be cause his little boys singed along to it and I'm thinking his kids are really smart be cause this song is like for older people to party too!

The only thang I don't like about this song is wear it has a gitar playing something sound like what i here when I go in the gas station the Indian guy owns to buy Zig Zags. It makes me think I smell patch-oooli and Im like craving that sticky icky you know what I'm saying lol.

But other then that, this song pretty much is legendary and makes Luke Brine even more a big star than he was before. So, if you asked me, You should buy it or steel it from one of those ring tone sites. It's that damn good son!