Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Oct 25, 2019
Country Singer Craft Beers
*yeah some of them are "country" singers
Mitchell Tenpenny’s White Bruh Hard Seltzer
Not beer, but sold in the beer section.
Not beer, but sold in the beer section.
Old Dominion Sweaty Sour
Hints of body odor, vending machine cologne, and green apple Lifesaver.
Hints of body odor, vending machine cologne, and green apple Lifesaver.
Creeps up on you.
Shooter Jennings’ Low Life Lager
Pretty damn good, but only comes in pony bottles.
Sturgill Simpson Altered Beast
Tastes like a different style of beer every time you take a sip.
Tastes like a different style of beer every time you take a sip.
Zac Brown’s Angry EDM Ale
“Every time I get a new swig, I gotta get a new swig.”
So bitter and poorly made, Zac’s the only one who likes it.
Dan + Shay’s
Minus
Non-Alcoholic Beer
Way too sweet and beer without alcohol isn’t beer.
Thomas Rhett to Dress Up as Country Singer For Halloween
Pop singer Thomas Rhett is looking for a costume for a Halloween party this weekend. He’s already chosen the theme - country singer - but he’s searching for the perfect presentation, visiting thrift stores and western wear outlets across Nashville.
“I did a Google image search for ‘country singer’ and it came back with lots of western hats and boot-cut jeans and stuff,” says Rhett. “That’s so foreign to me - it’s always enlightening to see how other cultures live!” He tries on a huge foam cowboy hat but quickly returns it to the rack. “If they had it with a flat brim maybe.”
Rhett’s day to day wardrobe usually includes hip t-shirts, fitted pants, and high-dollar sneakers while his stage presence leans more toward tropical wear, varsity jackets, and custom denim. The aesthetics of country music fashion are a world away from his typical flair, but he’s digging it. “Ha, they call this a nude suit, I believe,” laughs Thomas, holding up a rhinestone and flower covered blue jacket. “I think old country dudes like Jeb Pierce and Porter Ladner used to wear these… such swag!”
After a couple of hours, Rhett has narrowed his selections down to an all black Johnny Cash-inspired ensemble or a Hank Sr. style outfit. “Did you know Hank had a father who was also a country singer?” asks Rhett.
Still undecided at press time, Rhett seems excited about the impact he’ll make when he steps into the party as someone so different from himself. “They won’t even recognize me.”
Oct 24, 2019
This Guy Rants About Women on Country Radio
All right, so the controversy of the day is women singing country music. Lots of feminists say their isn’t enough chicks on country radio. They say there isn’t enough babes singing at country festivals. I don’t know what there smoking.
I looked at the country chart and there is at least 6 female singers in the top 40. Last year there was like 3, so that’s a huge victory for the feminazis in my book. They already made me have to listen to 50% more women then I had to in 2018, if my math is right. What the hell more do they want??
Let’s just look at the numbers for a minute. 6 women. That’s more than has ever been president. 6 women. That’s more than has ever been the WWE Universal Champion. 6 women. It only takes one to make me a sandwich, LMAO.
Listen, I have great respect for the female sex. One of them raised me. Women are good at lots of stuff. There better arguers. They are good at shopping. And the female form is my favorite thing to look at in the world.
But when it comes to country music, it’s a mans world baby. Men drive the pickup trucks. Men buy the drinks. That’s the two things that country music is about in 2019. I don’t want to here a woman singing about “he bought me a drink and asked me to get in his F-150” because that might put me in touch with my feminine side and that’s gay.
Also, girls’ voices are not as good as the guys. There high pitched and they shriek a lot. When I here them sing, it’s like my ex girlfriend yelling at me for accidentally having sex with her roommate. I don’t want to think about bad stuff. And that’s another thing. Women sing about all this serious stuff. I just want to party bruh. I just wanna raise up some Nattys and get wild. You can’t get lit to some babe singing about “girl won’t you stop your cryin’.” That ain’t it sis.
So anyway, y’all should be celebrating in the street wearing vagina hats or whatever, sense their’s more women on the radio now. I don’t like it but if it makes the lefties shut up, I’ll deal with it. But don’t keep raising a stink about this stuff. Stay in your lane. I’ll stay in mine, swerving in my full size with the Jason Aldean blasting out the damn windows!
Oct 23, 2019
Every 2019 Country Hit
Every 2019 Country Hit
©2019 FTM Satire
Snap beat snap beat snap beat, baby girl
I’m shameless, I’ll rhyme that with world
Hey sweetie, are you here all by yourself?
That’s not creepy cause I sung it smooth as hell
Got a sweet beard and a trendy tattoo
Unkempt shirt and a gelled up do
You can tell I’m a bad boy, I bet
Because of those things I already said
And the chorus just goes…
Oooh ooooh oooh girl
Oooh oooh oooh
Oooh oooh yeah girl
Oooh oooh yeah
Snap beat snap beat clap beat little thang
Sang that line with a fake country twang
Barely audible fiddle going on
So people think this is a country song
But the chorus be like…
Ayeee ayeee ayeee girl
Oooh oooh oooh
Oooh oooh yeah girl
Oooh oooh yeah
You know damn well what happens this verse
Got a big truck that never touches dirt
Wanna get in it and get outta here?
I’m tall and handsome so have no fears
Oooh ooooh oooh girl
Oooh oooh oooh
Oooh oooh yeah girl
Oooh oooh yeah
Snap beat
Oct 22, 2019
Oct 21, 2019
Oct 18, 2019
Nashville Song Plugger Swings Dead Cat, Hits Bachelorette
Nashville song plugger Larry Weathers has been charged with assault and is also being investigated for possible animal cruelty after he struck and injured bride-to-be Brayley Lynn Smith with a deceased feline on Thursday evening.
Weathers was trying to make a point to Jenny Lindsay, a young songwriter and recent Nashville arrival, when the incident occurred. "I don't even know where he got the cat; it was just suddenly in his hand and he was twirling it," said Lindsay. "It was pretty wild."
Smith suffered a contusion to her left elbow and lacerations about her face and hands from falling off the pedal tavern. "It was the damnedest thing," mused Smith. "I was so drunk I didn’t think it was really happening, but I think I got some fur in my mouth.”
Weathers, who maintains that the animal was already deceased when he swung it, explained: "I was trying to illustrate to (Jenny Lindsay) the amount of competition she's up against in this town. You know… 'you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a songwriter in this town'… I assumed I'd just graze an Erik Dylan or an Ashley Gorley to show her how many great writers there are here. I didn't mean for this to happen."
Ironically, the bachelorette has offered to drop all charges against Mr. Weathers if he can get a couple of songs Smith wrote pitched to Luke Combs.
By Trailer - Origin version posted on Country California January 17, 2009 (updated)
Oct 17, 2019
Deleted Scenes From Country Videos 3
(let them load all the way, some are large)
(Tyler Childers - House Fire)
(Old Town Road)
Evil Dead Country Reaction Gifs
When somebody says country music is the music of the country of America
Kip Moore fans be like...
When you're holding an axe and somebody asks if you want to hear some Kane Brown music and you have to keep your psychotic urges in check for a moment.
New Cody Jinks last week. New Cody Jinks this week.
"You shouldn't talk about Brantley Gilbert like that. Everybody liked his MNF performance."
When somebody plays new Zac Brown music
Make your own caption. This one had to be included.
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