Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Nov 8, 2020
Nov 6, 2020
Report: Nelly Has Blackmail Photos of Florida-Georgia Line
Nelly, born Cornell Iral Haynes Jr., was last on top of the charts in the early to mid 2000s, but has seen a resurgence in his career thanks to country music, and in particular Florida-Georgia Line. Their first collaboration was a remix of the smash “Cruise” which went on to become one of the biggest hits of the decade in any genre.
After than, many expected for Nelly to fade into the background and go back to doing club shows and the occasional rap album, but that has not been the case. FGL has collaborated with Nelly and brought him on several big tours long after the hype for “Cruise” died down, and it left many scratching their heads. When Nelly put out his own recent song featuring FGL, we had to do a little digging.
According to our inside source (nicknamed “Benny”) Nelly, performer of such hits as “Pimp Juice” and “Hot in Herre,” has possession of several photographs that keep Tyler Hubbard and Brian Kelley at his beck and call. He’s made such requests of them as songwriting sessions, car detailings, tour slots, and their Netflix passwords.
“They are willing to do just about anything to keep Nelly from publishing those pics,” said Benny. “I honestly don’t know what the photos are of, but it must be some seedy sh*t!” Benny also said that Nelly carries the photos with him in a Halliburton briefcase attached to his wrist with handcuffs, and is never more than 5 feet from the case.
“Not to demean him because he’s had a good career, but that briefcase keeps him in steak and lobster and Bugattis,” laughed Benny. “And he’s also just showing up at their houses at all hours of the night to just hang out… their wives aren’t crazy about it but the guys just tell them they’re working on music, but they’re just shooting pool in the treehouse.”
When asked to guess what’s in the photos, Benny ventures a few possibilities. “I doubt it’s anything sexual, those dudes never had any game until they were rich and then they got married immediately, so it’s probably pics of them at a real country concert, enjoying themselves. That would devastate Florida-Georgia Line fans!”
At press time, Nelly was taking a shower with one arm through the curtain.
Nov 5, 2020
Bridesmaids Country Reaction Gifs
*foul language warning*
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How Kane Brown writes a song
When the whole room thinks you've been listening to too much Wheeler Walker Jr.
Still listening to Cuttin' Grass 3 weeks later
When concerts come back and everybody is on tour at once
Do you like Nicholas Jamerson?
If you keep inviting your friends to Dustin Lynch concerts
When you meet a man who loves Loretta as much as he loves Waylon
Insert your own joke about Dan + Shay. I can't because it's not politically correct.
Nov 4, 2020
Nov 3, 2020
6 New Parody Album Covers: Shaver, Prine, Kenny Rogers, etc.
Farce the Music's "In Memoriam" section is a little different than the awards shows'
Nov 2, 2020
Nov 1, 2020
Oct 30, 2020
Graphic Designers Decry Trend of Singers Designing Own Album Covers
Freddie Robison of Ink Media Designs in Nashville is pissed. "Who do they think they are?!" he rants. "I went to school for this sh*t. And you wonder why every other new cover uses Bleeding Cowboys font…"
The music industry's downturn in recent years has been a challenge to design firms specializing in art and marketing for the music industry, but the latest wrinkle is proving to be the most disconcerting.
"I got an email directly from a major country star a couple of weeks ago," explained Robison. "I won't say who, but it rhymes with 'rustin' chore.' Anyway, it said 'This is the artwork for my new album cover, please check to make sure it's ready for printing.'" Robison continued: "There was nothing attached so I replied and let him know. The next email had a .html file attached that wouldn't open in any software I own. I replied again and said that I'd need a high-res tiff or jpeg file. Well, I got a jpeg, but it was 100x100 pixels and 72 dpi. It went on like this for some time before I just redesigned the damn thing myself and didn't charge him."
Robison went on to say that he wasn't picking on "rustin' chore" in particular, but that this was now the rule, not the exception. More and more – their cash stretched thin from declining album sales – artists have turned to writing their own songs… and now, designing their own album and website art.
This has resulted in reduced productivity among prepress professionals and graphic artists across the Nashville area. Missing fonts, lack of bleed, RGB color, bad file types, corrupt files, low resolution photographs and other issues have been reported in multitude.
"Seriously though, how hard can you pinch a dime? My firm gets $85-100 bucks an hour for this… I don't even take home a quarter of that. It's hard to keep gas in a Maybach, I guess," pondered Robison.
Robison also told us of one flat-chested female singer who'd simply used Photoshop Elements to copy and paste Kim Kardashian's chest over her own for her inner sleeve photo. "And she used Comic Sans for her lyrics… I mean, WTF?"
Top 10 Things More Likely Than Sam Hunt Releasing a Real Country Song
10. Your aunt actually wins that RV she keeps reposting about on Facebook.
9. Justin Moore takes a leak without standing on a potty stool.
8. A Nigerian prince sends you 3.2 million dollars.
7. The Simpsons stop predicting things correctly.
6. Ifs and buts become candy and nuts.
5. Gary Levox, hardcore porn star.
4. Donald Trump releases his tax returns. Joe Biden admits he’s uncertain which city he’s in.
3. Kane Brown successfully completes a corn maze.
2. Hank Sr stops rolling in his grave.
1. New York Jets: Super Bowl LV champs.
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By Trailer & Jeremy Harris
Oct 29, 2020
Hubie Halloween Country Reaction Gifs
(From the Netflix Adam Sandler comedy.)
When you're the neighborhood decency monitor and some kids drive through blaring Kane Brown.
You ought to see him metamorphosize
From Barney Jeckyll into Bubba Hyde
I thought we were going to dress up as Florida-Georgia Line for Halloween
Leaving the party when the first note of Sam Hunt gets played
I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
When you're embarrassed to be calling the radio station to try to win some Morgan Wallen tickets (rightly so)
Me reading the comment section every time a country singer makes a political statement
The proper reaction to hearing Dan + Shay
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