More Monday Memes: Trucks, Cole Swindell, etc.

From Jeremy Harris

From Jeremy Harris

Lyrical Satirical: Country B**ches

Country B**ches

©2014 FTM Satire

She's a pair of shorts on a pair of legs

Dancing too close to the tailgate edge

She's a blonde haired blue eyed sexy thang

She's a late night text and a backseat bang

Lord I love them country b**ches

Them howdy y'alls in tiny britches

White girl wasted, weekend wreck

Buyin' us beer on daddy's check

Come around and scratch my itches

Lord I love them country b**ches

She's a big ol' rack in a tiny shirt

Crank some Hank and she can make it twerk

She's tan line teases and licking lips

She's a big ol' booty and a skinny dip

Lord I love them country b**ches

Them howdy y'alls in tiny britches

White girl wasted, weekend wreck

Buyin' us beer on daddy's check

Come around and scratch my itches

Lord I love them country b**ches

Bridge

She's a baby bump at sweet sixteen

Tenth grader in maternity jeans

She's a late night call saying it's mine

But I'm on to the next country girl in line

Lord I love them country b**ches

Them moneymakers in tiny britches

White girl wasted, weekend wreck

Fake phone numbers, names to forget

Come around and scratch my itches

Lord I love them country b**ches

Bro-Country Fan eCards

These are actual unedited comments from bro-country fans on YouTube.

New Video: Maddie & Tae - Girl in a Country Song

Least Essential Country Albums: Joe Diffie, Isbell, FGL, etc.

Whoops. That's an actual album...

By Mike McDermott 

Translating Maggie Rose

Bro-Country Legends V: George Strait

By The Cooper Brothers

Monday Morning Memes: Tim McGraw Slap, Borchetta, etc.

 

Bro-Country Fan eCards

These are actual, unedited YouTube comments from bro-country fans.

What's Worse Than Bro-Country?

Who? Joey Hyde, That's Who.

We Are Bro Country

We Are Bro-Country

(Lyric parody of Hank Jr's "Young Country")

We are bro-country, we are bad ass

Illegitimate children of inbred white trash

Our hair might be faux-hawked, jeans glittered and spiked

We know how to get drunk and go lookin' for fights 

We know what's tight, glass pack exhaust

And if you don't like it, I'll punch you, boss

We name drop the old stuff, but we only like new

And we do our own rappin', blue jean booty slappin'

If you're offended, F you

We are bro country, we ain't too bright

Our music and lifestyles, are big piles of shite

We don't have diplomas, or shirts that fit right

but we know how to bang skanks come Saturday night 

We like Eminem, we get faded to EDM

We like Lil Wayne and Jay-Z and T-Pain

Old Hank would be sick, wait who is old Hank?

We like our country mixed with hip-hop and stank

We are bro-country, we have no pride

Except in our bench press and sweet jacked up rides

Kid Rock would be proud and Fred Durst give props

'cause we like our country with drum loops and bass drops

We like to smoke bowls, we like to roll coal

Don't like it? F u!

I Bet U Caint Even Bate a Huk

(This isn't a political statement so much as one about prideful stupidity. 

I'm actually pretty conservative, but I'd like to disassociate myself from bro-countriers,

people who carry large assault weapons into grocery stores, and coal rollers entirely.)

The Bro in Black?

Thanks to Mike McDermott for this disturbing piece!

Maddie and Tae - Girl in a Country Song (you must hear or read this!)

Maddie and Tae are a new act who are coming onto the scene with quite the announcement of their arrival. The following song (I transcribed the lyrics also) not only takes down bro-country's treatment of women, it also directly calls out some of the offenders - not by name but by catch phrases and hooks from their tunes. We can discuss (or Triggerman can - he's better at that stuff) the paradox/irony/ramifications of a song like this being released by one of Borchetta's labels later, but for now just enjoy. The link is a stream of a wma file (which won't work on a Mac unless you have a VLC Player or something similar). Sorry, that's all that's available at the moment.

Link to hear the song here.

Now Available on iTunes!

Girl in a Country Song

(Written by Maddie (Marlow), Tae(lynn Elizabeth Dye), and Aaron Scherz; 
Performed by Maddie & Tae)

Well I wish I had some shoes on my two bare feet

And it's gettin' kinda cold in these painted-on cut-off jeans

I hate the way this bikini top chafes

Do I really have to wear it all day?

(Yeah baby)

I hear you over there on your tailgate whistlin'

Sayin' "Hey girl," but you know I ain't listenin'

Cause I got a name and to you it ain't

pretty little thing, honey or baby

It's driving me red red red red red red redneck crazy

Being the girl in a country song

How in the world did it go so wrong?

Like all we're good for is looking good for

you and your friends on the weekend, nothin' more

We used to get a little respect

Now we're lucky if we even get

To climb up in the truck, keep our mouth shut, ride along

And be the girl in a country song

Well, shakin' my moneymaker ain't ever made me a dime

And there ain't no sugar for you in this shaker of mine

Tell me one more time you gotta get you some of that

Sure I'll slide on over, but you're gonna get slapped

These days it ain't easy being that…

Girl in a country song

How in the world did it go so wrong?

Like all we're good for is looking good for

you and your friends on the weekend, nothin' more

We used to get a little respect

Now we're lucky if we even get

To climb up in the truck, keep our mouth shut, ride along

And be the girl in a country song

Yep, yep, yep

Aw naw,

Conway and George Strait

Never did it this way

Back in the old days

Aw naw,

We ain't a cliche

That ain't no way

To treat a lady

Like a girl in a country song

How in the world did it go so wrong?

Like all we're good for is looking good for

you and your friends on the weekend, nothin' more

We used to get a little respect

Now we're lucky if we even get

To climb up in the truck, keep our mouth shut, ride along

Down some dirt road we don't even wanna be on

And be the girl in a country song

(Spoken)

Yeah baby

I ain't your tan legged Juliet

Can I put on some real clothes now?

Aw naw

Monday Morning Memes: Darius Rucker, BG, Luke, Dierks

Monkeys, Typewriters, Bros

Douchenbach (Parody Lyric)

Douchenbach, Georgia

(Lyric Parody of Waylon & Willie's "Luckenbach, TX")

The only two things in life that make it worth livin'

Is DJs that drop bass and ass shakin' women

I just need my name on a tatt that's tight

I bust my rhymes so you'll go down on me tonight

Maybe it's time we got this Chevy stuck in the mud

Let's go to Douchenbach, Georgia

With Aldean and Brantley and the dudes

Get these Rockford Fosgates kickin'

We'll be crankin' up the Fiddy and Ja Rule

Between Hank Junior's boozin' and

FGL's Cruisin' and Juvy backin' that thang up

Out in Douchenbach, Georgia everybody's raisin' they cups

So baby let's buy some wallet chains

Square toed boots and shiny jeans and go away

This mowing yards has got to stop

And working at your beauty shop, you cry all day

We've been so busy living home with our moms

They won't let us smoke and throw out our beer bongs

Maybe it's time we got this Chevy stuck in the mud

Let's go to Douchenbach, Georgia

With Colt Ford, Cole Swindell and the bros

Get these Rockford Fosgates kickin'

We'll be crankin' up some Chingy and some J-Kwon tho'

Between Snoop Doggy's tokin' and

Limp Bizkit Rollin' and Toby Keith kickin' some ass

Out in Douchenbach, Georgia everybody's raisin' they glass

Let's go to Douchenbach, Georgia

With Luke Bryan, Sam Hunt and the dudes

Get these Rockford Fosgates kickin'

We'll be crankin' up the Fiddy and Ja Rule

Between Hank Junior's boozin' and

FGL's Cruisin' and Juvy backin' that thang up

Out in Douchenbach, Georgia everybody's raisin' they cups

Wannabe Bro-Country Song

Good Ass Night

©2014 FTM Satires

It's been a bad week

I failed remedial math

My truck nuts broke and 

My Reaper had a flat

At least it's Friday

My luck's gonna switch

Find me a party

And a bad country b**ch

And have a good ass night

Give the bonfire a light

Drink a beer yeah I might

Steal a kiss, have a fight

Son that's right

I'm gonna have a good ass night

I'm buzzed yeah ya heard

When I pull in the spot

Park my shit in the mud

Country swag on lock

Lookin' for a dime

Holla at deez hoes

Crank up some George Strait

Don't really like it tho'

But it's a good ass night

Give the bonfire a light

Drink a beer yeah I might

Steal a kiss, have a fight

Son that's right

I'm gonna have a good ass night

Bridge

Okay I've been lying, that really ain't me

I'm home playing Minecraft on my PS3

Got the radio up

And jealous as f***

Of the fellas in trucks wearing Ed Hardy tees

Havin' a good ass night

Givin' bonfires a light

Drinkin' beer wish I might

Steal a kiss, have a fight

Son that's right

Wish I could have a good ass night

Top 10 Rules for Writing a Hit Country Song in 2014

Inspired by this. (Link)

10. Check Billboard's charts archives and see

what was popular in pop and rap 10 years ago. Do that.

09. Be a famous person's offspring.

08. Write what you know, unless you know about anything other

than leaning on your truck in a pasture drinking fake moonshine and staring

at the rear ends of females dancing beside a bonfire to a song about leaning

on your truck in a pasture drinking fake moonshine and staring at the

rear ends of females dancing beside a bonfire.

07. When writing a song for a female artist, stop doing that.

06. Move to Nashville. Do you honestly think a record exec is going to come

to your house so you can give them sexual favors to get your foot in the door?

05. Be in a fraternity and when one of your fellow members

gets into the business, they'll hook you up, bro.

04. Go to a club where critically lauded Americana or roots rock artists perform

and listen to their earnest, heartfelt songs. Maybe even talk with them after the show and find out about their motives and inspirations so you can make sure to never do any of that stuff.

03. Kiss ass kiss ass kiss ass.

02. Don't write a country song.

01. Sit down for a few hours with your guitar and a bottle of whiskey and pour out your

emotions into a powerful song about hurt, love and the power of the human spirit.

Then throw that sumbitch in the trash and go write a truck song with 3 other dudes.