Farce the Music

Dec 10, 2019

11 Worst Country Songs of 2019

11 Worst Country* Songs of 2019

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1. Zac Brown Band - God Given
I somehow left Zac Brown off the original list, and I think that’s a symptom of his irrelevance these days. This is clearly the worst song released under the “country” heading in 2019. This song should be the new “Rick Roll.” What an embarrassment. Lame middle-aged white man rapping and beats and creepiness. Somebody set up an intervention soon.

2. Mitchell Tenpenny - Alcohol You Later

A heaving lump of R&B lite douchebaggery wrapped around a cliché of a hook.

3. Blake Shelton ft/Trace Adkins - Hell Right

Lame bro-country redux from the try-hard stepdad of mainstream country and his drunken uncle.

4. Luke Bryan - Knockin’ Boots

A cheesy come-on with stolen 90s slang. Cringe.

5. Avenue Beat - Delight

If they’re the future, I’m a proud boomer.

6. Florida-Georgia Line - Swerve

Not a single, yet, thankfully. As bad as anything they’ve done before, and that’s of course a deep well.

7. Mitchell Tenpenny ft/Seaforth - Anything She Says

Ugh. Mitchell Tenpenny has usurped Kane Brown as the artist whose voice makes me most quickly change the station.

8. Chris Lane - I Don’t Know About You

I don't know why you're still here.

9. Sam Hunt - Kinfolks

Not nearly as bad as driving the wrong way while drunk, but an affront to the senses to be sure. Please leave again.

10. Dustin Lynch - Ridin’ Roads

Dustin doubles down on his shallowness. His looks and willingness to blend into the sonic wallpaper are his only selling points now.

11. Brantley Gilbert - Fire’t Up

Brantley done fire’t up the wayback machine to 2013. His NFL performance was bad enough to trend on Twitter, and the studio version is only better in the way that getting punched in the stomach is better than getting punched in the face.

*country = released into the country genre

A Message for Zac From the Other Side

Honors?

What Your Favorite Album of 2019 Says About You

Lizzo - Cuz I Love You

You started listening to this so your daughter would think you’re cool. She does not.

Thomas Rhett - Center Point Road

You can talk for hours on end without ever saying anything of importance. You go to church just so you look cute on Instagram once a week.

Billie Eilish - When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?

Your mom started listening to Lizzo so you’d think she’s cool. You don’t, but mostly because she won’t let you have blue hair or date a 23 year old.

Vampire Weekend - Father of the Bride

You’re at the age that you know what yuppies felt like in the 90s. You drive a Volvo.

Miranda Lambert - Wildcard

You don’t get drunk on the weekends as much anymore, but only because the hangovers really hurt in your mid-30s. You’ve had non-physical fights with your significant other so loud that the police were called …more than once.

George Strait - Honky-Tonk Time Machine

Country radio is not for you, but you don’t care if other people like it. You iron your jeans and only have one tattoo you got in the Navy.

Cody Jinks - The Wanting

Country radio is not for you, and f*ck anybody who likes it. You’re still wearing the same jeans from Saturday and have at least two skull tattoos.

Mitchell Tenpenny - Telling All My Secrets

You don’t know what year it is and have the shittiest taste in music possible.

Koe Wetzel - Harold Saul High

You have a jacked up truck with exhaust stacks, fight with your girlfriend in public, and are drunk right now. But you still think you’re better than those douchebags who listen to Florida-Georgia Line.

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This is satire. Don't take it seriously.

Also, if your favorite wasn't here, there will probably be another edition.
Idea stolen from Medium.

Dec 9, 2019

New Video / Ruston Kelly ft. Chris Carrabba / "Screaming Infidelities"

From the Dirt Emo EP.

More More Monday Memes: Christmas Vacation, Bobby Bones, Kane Brown

More Monday Memes: Brantley Gilbert, Christmas, Kristofferson

Monday Morning Memes: Kane Brown, Dan + Shay, Snap Beats

Dec 8, 2019

Awkward Gary Levox Photo of the Week

Sunday Mornin' Music / Fisk Jubilee Singers / "Wade in the Water"

Dec 7, 2019

Saturday Night Music / Tyler Childers / "Take My Hounds to Heaven"

From the Archives: Cash, Waylon, Willie, Paycheck with Selfie Sticks

ORIGINALLY POSTED SEP 3, 2015

Selfie Sticks are Stupid

Can you imagine?

Dec 6, 2019

New(ish) Video / Goodbye June / "Anywhere the Wind Blows"

Dumb Meme for a Dumb Song

No Good Country Music Released Since ’79, Says Moron

Curmudgeonly country fan Carl Outlaw says that not a single good country song or album has been released since 1979. Despite the fact that Outlaw was born in the early 90s, he feels confident in his oblivious statement.

“There ain’t been no good country since the heyday of Merle and Willie and Coe, and you can put that in your pipe and smoke it.” said the idiot, shuffling through his playlist that managed to exclude the likes of Johnny Cash, Dwight Yoakam, and The Judds.

According to Carl, though not specifically mentioned, Patty Loveless sucks. He also believes, based on his time limits, that Jamey Johnson, Tyler Childers, Kelsey Waldon, and Turnpike Troubadours have all released subpar music unworthy of his attention.

When asked about Johnny Cash’s renewed output from the nineties, he says “hipster bullshit…anything that snooty college kids like, I don’t like.” “If it doesn’t have a steel guitar, fiddle, acoustic guitars, and sad lyrics about dying of cirrhosis in a flophouse, it’s not good country,” continued Outlaw. “There have been no songs that fit that description in my entire lifetime and it makes me sad for the future of America.”

The fool thinks Chris Stapleton and Sunny Sweeney are just awful, if we go by his own misguided cutoff date. Jason Boland and the Stragglers, Jamie Lin Wilson, Dale Watson, Cody Jinks, and Miranda Lambert are terrible as well.

When asked what he thought of Luke Bell’s self-titled traditional country gem from just a couple years ago, Outlaw replied “Luke Bryan, who’s she?”