Garth Brooks Spotted Crying in Taco Bell Drive-Thru

Country superstar Garth Brooks was witnessed crying at a fast food restaurant this week. The 61-year-old singer, home between tours, apparently shed tears in the drive-thru of a Goodlettsville Taco Bell this past Wednesday. 

“It was a clean ass 87 Chevy dually, I know it was him - seen him parked at the hardware stores a loooot of times,” said Jerry French of Millersville, TN. “Trisha wasn’t with him, he was just up there ordering forever and I didn’t even notice it was him till I got annoyed and did that thing where you roll your window down, stick your head out, and kinda look in their sideview to see if they catch the hint to hurry up. Anyway, damned if it wasn't Garth Brooks and he was crying. And I don’t mean, he had a wet face - that could’ve been eyedrops you know - he was literally weeping. I don’t know why.”

“I know why,” said Taco Bell window employee Janice Lemon. “We didn’t have no quesadillas.”

Janice explained that they were out of that tangy cheese sauce they use on the chicken and steak quesadillas so they weren’t selling any more that day. 

“Next he asked for a enchirito, but we stopped selling those months ago,” continued Lemon. “Started sounding like was getting in his feels or something, I ain’t got time for that.” Janice said Garth continued to call out things that were either discontinued or off the menu due to supply chain issues. “By the time he finally just settled on 5 soft tacos, he was like ugly crying, I could hear the sniffles.”

The country legend has never been known for hiding his emotions, a trait that endears him to most but puts him as the butt of jokes from others.

“He handed me some wet money to pay, and it wasn’t even raining,” said a cringing Janice Lemon. “And then he suddenly stopped crying and just stared at me with a weird viciousness in his eyes as I handed him his order and some mild sauce… I hope he gets some help, it’s just tacos.”

Man Feigns Obliviousness as Wife Compliments Lainey Wilson’s Backside

While lounging on the couch after work with his wife Thursday, Jacob Boothe was presented with a difficult challenge. Samantha, Jacob’s wife, was watching Entertainment Tonight as they waited on lasagna in the oven when she suddenly made some statements that would test his resolve and ability to avoid a night on the couch. 

“Look at that thing!” exclaimed Mrs. Booth. “That is impressive.” Samantha was referring to the derriere of country star Lainey Wilson, as ET reporters discussed Wilson’s submission of an original song for Emmy consideration. 

Jacob, an experienced and wary husband, did not even consider averting his eyes from his phone, where he was setting the lineup for his fantasy baseball team. He knew better. 

“I wonder if that’s genetics,” Samantha continued. “Or lots of cornbread and squats at the gym…” 

Again, Jacob was silent, keeping his full attention on his pitching choices for the evening. “Should I start Sandoval or Senga?” he pondered, fully aware that the slightest diversion of his attentiveness could lead to a very tricky situation. 

“But this is silly,” he thought. “We are grown adults who’ve been married for over a decade; if we can’t discuss this sort of thing in a mature fashion, we’re just a cliche Rodney Dangerfield joke about marriage.”

“Is that the country singer with that truck song?” he asked tentatively.

“Yeah, I think so,” answered Samantha. “Dat ass though…” she said as she pulled up some photos on her phone and pushed it in front of Jacob’s 3-2 baseball lineup. 

“Uh huh,” deferred Jacob, his eyes quickly darting over to their cat pawing at a curtain. 

Samantha rolled her eyes, having caught onto Jacob’s game. “Mmm Hmm,” she said accusingly. 

He’d over-played his hand, leaned too hard into aloofness. “Fine, she’s a very attractive woman,” he admitted, opening a door he hadn’t wanted to. “Are you satisfied?”

At press time, the lasagna had burned, and the Boothes were ordering pizza.

New Texas Law to Require Fiddle in All Bands

House lawmakers in Austin passed a bill on Thursday that would require all bands that play in the state to include a fiddle player.

House Bill 42069 won initial approval Tuesday, and then received a final vote Thursday, passing 127-19. It now heads to the Senate.

The bipartisan legislation, co-sponsored by Texas Department of Culture, Recreation, and Tourism chair Douglas K. Ershaw, would force any "musical act consisting of more than 2 members to include a fiddle player, as God intended." 

While it was unclear how this would affect musicians in genres that don't generally include fiddle, Ershaw insisted that the law would also provide for bands without such an instrumentalist, forming a Fiddle Corps of unaffiliated players for assigning the lacking groups a fiddler free of charge.

Bill co-sponsor Charles E. Daniels of Delta County explained "While we agree that many bands with great lead guitarists can pick it hot, that's just not good enough for a Llano man." 

"Whether you want your fans to two-step, do-si-do, headbang, or do The Bust Down, in the Lone Star State from now on, sir, you've gotta have a fiddle in the band." smiled Ershaw, seemingly assured that the Senate would finalize the bill and that Governor Abbott would codify it into law. 

At press time, music stores across the state were reporting a shortage of rosin.

The Crud Report: April 2023

Garth Brooks' Wikipedia Article From the Future

Morgan Wallen to Release Country Remix of “Last Night”

Riding high on the success of his massive pop/R&B hit “Last Night,” country superstar Morgan Wallen has announced plans to follow that up in coming weeks with a country remix, or re-imagining to be exact, of the crossover smash. 

The tune, which has received massive country airplay despite being released to pop radio, will receive quite a makeover for this incarnation. Instead of the jaunty, beat-driven acoustic guitar, there will be crying steel guitar. The hip, monotone reading of the lyrics will be replaced by a slow, note-bending drawl of the sort once employed by Lefty Frizzell. There may even be some audible fiddle, clearly signaling a radical departure for the genre-conquering Tennessee boy. 

Whether this release will continue Wallen’s winning streak is yet to be determined, but many behind the scenes are questioning the move. "Who's gonna play it? I mean, this thing is like, old-timey sounding and stuff," said Clearchannel country radio DJ Trey Turner. "You can't do …the griddy to it, I don't like it," complained Kawntrygull56 who replied to a snippet of the song on Wallen’s Facebook page. 

Morgan, for his part, maintains that this will play to a new demographic he hasn't reached before. "The people who actually like the organic, authentic-sounding stuff like Merle Hagrid and Alan Strait [sic].” said Wallen, preening his famous mullet, “That's an audience we haven't spoken to yet." 

 Adapted from Country California fake news story originally posted Wednesday, July 22, 2009 

No One on Facebook Ever Heard of Luke Bryan

Despite country music superstar Luke Bryan having sold over 16 million albums, achieving dozens of #1 hits, selling out concerts across the country, performing at major sporting events, being in commercials, and winning piles of awards, most users of the social media platform Facebook reported Thursday that they were entirely unaware of his existence. 

“Who?” asked Jerry Dickens of Shreveport, in response to a story about Luke’s favorite fishing lure on Whiskey Riff, and the sentiment seemed to be prevalent across the Facebook landscape. Up to 77% of readers of the country music humor page Farce the Music reported being unfamiliar with the Georgia singer. Dickens assured us that his comment was not to add to his “real country” cred, or to look cool to other pop-country haters.

Bryan, who debuted on the country charts 17 years ago and has been a prevalent force in the industry ever since, also has his own festival, his own restaurant, and his own brand of beer. Be that as it may, he has somehow escaped the attention of a majority of Facebook users. 

“Luke Bryan, who’s she?” commented Dick Berry of West Memphis, AR, below a We Hate Pop Country meme this past Tuesday. This highlights another mystery of the perception of Bryan - that he is a female. How one could come to the conclusion that Luke is a woman’s name is certainly odd, and we’re fairly certain no one on Facebook would ever stoop so low as to misgender someone as an insult. 

At press time, Larry Richards of Raleigh, NC was preparing an incomprehensible FB comment about Bryan being a homosexual (but certainly not in a negative light) despite being oblivious to Bryan’s very presence in this corporeal plane. 

Local Man’s Profane On-Air Rant Leaves Country Station with $20K FCC Fine

A local man’s obscene rant on a popular country radio station has cost that station five figures in FCC fines this week. Reginald Spears, a small engine repair shop owner who had previously been banned from the airwaves, tricked his way onto the Ferry and Lewis Morning Show and got off two and a half expletives before the hosts dropped his call.

WTSM manager Bart McGee says Mr. Spears’ cell and home numbers have long been on the blacklist for the station, but that he used a friend’s cell phone to call in on Monday morning. Ferry and Lewis, the morning show hosts, had asked listeners to call in and tell them what current songs they were digging and which ones they weren’t. Things went fine for the first few calls, but quickly went off the rails. 

“He started off quietly praising the fact that we’d played Zach Bryan’s “Something in the Orange” a few times,” said McGee. “But when Lewis asked him to name a song he didn’t like, the caller became suddenly irate.” The morning hosts apparently had accidentally switched off the 1 minute delay feature, which allows time to censor profanities, without realizing.

A transcript of the end of Spears’ call follows:

[Spears - who identified as “Mike in Mt. Airy”]

Yeah, yeah I do have come issues with some of them songs

You’re gone play a perfectly decent Jon Pardi song, and then Dan and freaking Shay?

[Ferry]

Watch it… (laughs)

[Spears]

Yeah anyway, y’all will play Jon.. and Zach Bryan… and Carly Pearce which is all good stuff

But then you will turn around after a loaded tea commercial and play that sissy junk

Literally nobody but stay at home stepmoms listens to that crap

[Lewis]

Seriously, keep it PG … we get it but…

[Spears]

Naw. Y’all using the same airwaves that once played The Possum and Patsy, it gets me fired up.

Y’all know me. This is Reginald Spears and I want y’all to know that while you’re doing better lately,

And that I really listen to my CDs and Spotify more than y’all, but

I don’t wanna hear any of that Kane Brown and his wife or Dan + Shay bullshit. Piss on ‘em. Fuc... [call cut off]

The 48-year-old Spears has a long history of tormenting the radio station and other local businesses with vandalism and “pranks,” in his off-kilter campaign against pop-country music he deems unworthy. Among the incidents are vulgar phrases mowed on the station’s lawn, unplugging the radio tower, and destroying an electronic jukebox. Mr. Spears has payed fines and served short sentences over the incidents, but has been relatively quiet in recent years. 

At press time, WTSM was disputing the fines with the FCC, and speaking with legal counsel to determine if they could sue Mr. Spears himself for damages if the dispute failed. 

The Crud Report, March '23, Vol. II

The Crud Report: March '23

Luke Bryan Worried He’s Repeating Cringe Dance Moves

Bryan performs the "full hunch"

Pop-country superstar Luke Bryan is currently in the midst of a concert at the 80% full Southaven Amphitheater in Southaven, MS, and he’s having a bit of a quandary.

Though every song has gone off generally without a hitch, and the crowd of young moms, sassy grandmas, and frat bros seems to be having a great time, there’s still something eating at him. He’s a pro and he’s here to give these fans a night of repetitive twangy pop-rock songs about beer and trucks and girls, but there’s one thing he can’t repeat if he hopes to keep them entertained. The cringe dance moves.

He replays the last 30 minutes in his head. He’s done the “goofy white boy above the waist dance” during “Rain is a Good Thing.” “Kick the Dust Up” got kinda silly with that new “gospel sway complete with handclaps.” The next song is a blur because that’s when a pair of panties from an um, ‘ample’ fan landed on the neck of his prop guitar. He thinks he did the ‘throw your hands in the air’ bit already, but he’s just not sure.

A cold sweat breaks out down his back. Luke has only pulled out one of the “big guns” thus far, but he doesn’t remember which one. The aforementioned “big guns” are variations of the pelvic thrust, which he calls ‘hunchin’.’

Hunch 1 is called the “dry hump.” It’s more of an up and down motion of the hip area and gets the lady-folk going right quick. Hunch 2 is the Elvis, which is self-explanatory. Hunch 3 is the “pound town,” which is a more forceful version of the Elvis. Hunch 4 is the “full hunch,” which he only breaks out during the encore, so he knows he hasn’t done that one.

Uh oh, the next song is “M-o-v-e” which expressly requires a full 30 seconds of hunchin’. He says a little prayer in his head and goes into the windup. He’s settled on Hunch 2, and as the cheers reach fever pitch, he knows he picked correctly. Luke feels pride in the fact that he’s the standard bearer of modern country music, and that he can provide each and every fan in attendance with just enough shallow music and booty grinds to get them through their week.

At press time, Luke was preparing to unleash the full hunch, as custodians waited in the wings with their mops.

“Tennessee Whiskey” Ends Waffle House Brawl in Singalong

Fights at Waffle House are nothing new. Every week it seems, there is another video of some unruly drunk getting his comeuppance at the hands of a grizzled grillmaster, or customers duking it out over minor slights. The skirmishes usually end in arrests, injuries, or hurt pride, but a recent all out brawl at a Southaven, MS restaurant had a more uplifting finale.

What began as a verbal altercation between some Ole Miss fraternity guys and a couple of truckers quickly spun out of control. One of the cooks, Lucius Perkins – fresh out of Parchman, came over to mediate the discussion but ended up taking an errant punch meant for one of the frat boys. Within seconds, Perkins had the trucker in a full nelson and was inching him toward the exit when the other trucker smashed Lucius over the head with a napkin dispenser.

All hell broke loose and soon, nearly everyone in the restaurant was throwing punches, chairs, and hashbrowns. One man suffered a power bomb onto a table, another woman’s wig was ripped off and thrown onto the grill; it was chaos.

Lucius, confused and staggering from a minor concussion, knew he had to get the situation under control because he wasn’t going back to prison. A light bulb went on in his head and he headed for the jukebox.

He swiftly turned the volume up and made his selection. Mr. Perkins waited and watched. As the dulcet tones of Chris Stapleton’s “Tennessee Whiskey” began to play over the din of moving furniture, punches, and slurs, he noticed a change. Suddenly, one of the truckers released his headlock on one of the frat guys. Another slap fight quickly crapped out as the slappers turned their reddened faces toward the jukebox. Bloodied men and disheveled women, black, white, Latino, and Asian, laid down their fists and chairs in stunned silence.

By the first chorus, the rumble was finished. Ketchup dripped from the light fixtures, the bathroom door was ripped off the hinges, the cash register was in the parking lot, but the combatants were at peace. And then it began. “Youuu’re as smooooooth as Tennessee whiskey…” came the voice of a woman from the window row. It was a keening, unpleasant performance, but it didn’t matter… people joined in. Soon, the Sigma Chi’s were arm in arm swaying with the tattooed Uber driver from Germantown and the truckers were hugging Mr. Perkins, and everyone was singing at the top of their lungs.

By the end of the song, apologies were made and the cleanup began. “Nobody even called the cops,” said Perkins. “This was so beautiful we didn’t wanna mess it up, man I was just crying, humanity can be good sometimes. And thank you, Chris Stapleton. You helped me break my cycle of recidivism. F**k 12.”

The cashier, Cheryl Fontaine, told us that nearly every single person helped clean up and some of them were even friends afterward. “Except that boomer over in the corner,” she pointed. “He keeps saying we’re all frauds because it’s not Coe or Jones’ version. Whatever.”

Country Radio Celebrates Black History Month by Playing Songs With “Black” in Title

The two major country radio station conglomerates, Cumulus and iHeart, are coming together this month for a common cause. iHeart Assistant VP of Marketing Karen Humes made the announcement yesterday via Instagram that the rivals had launched a Black History Month program to bring awareness to the plights and successes of African Americans.

“In solidarity with all who celebrate and support Black History Month, both Cumulus and iHeart have banded together for a special celebration of “black” this month.” she began. “As such, we plan to add to our playlists, shows, and specials many songs in which the word “black” is in the title.”

Ms. Humes went on to list several of the songs that would find their way across the airwaves this month. They included:

“Long Black Train” Josh Turner

“Two Black Cadillacs” Carrie Underwood

“(The Black Dress Song) Getting You Home” Chris Young

“Black Tears” Florida-Georgia Line

“Blue on Black” 5 Finger Death Punch ft. Brantley Gilbert

“Blacktop Gone” Jason Aldean

“Black” Dierks Bentley

“Where the Blacktop Ends” Keith Urban

“Black Jacket” Tim McGraw

Many of the comments below the post expressed concern that possibly the radio giants may be missing the point of Black History Month. “Couldn’t you just… you know… play some black artists?” asked Barry Summers. “Some of those were never even singles… it’s like you’re going as far out of your way as possible not to play Charley Crockett or Mickey Guyton,” replied Laverne Shirley. “How will a Jason Aldean song make anyone on earth think of Black people? This is sooo stupid.” said Terry Hogan.

While none of those complaints were addressed, Humes did add an additional comment. “No, we will not be playing Clint Black or Blackhawk songs because that’s old people music. Josh Turner is already pushing it.”

At press time, the media giants had also removed Johnny Cash’s “Man in Black” because of its age and also some complaints from listeners that the song was “lib’rul grooming.”

The Crud Report: February 2023

Innovative Country Singer to Release Song About Alcoholic Beverages

An up and coming pop-country artist is about to change the country music game forever with a visionary new thematic element. 

Cade Lance has everything else you need to be a country star in 2023. He’s got the looks. He’s 6’3”. He’s a former community college tight end from the south. He sings okay, and his music is suitably inoffensive and sonically similar to what is currently the accepted sound for mainstream country radio. He's got two first names. But he’s not satisfied with being granted a default C-list status for those worthy attributes; he wants to stand out from the pack.

“We’re about to break this thing wide open,” smiled the boyishly handsome Lance. “I mean, everybody enjoys a nice cold beer every now and then, but you never hear anybody sing about it. This felt like discovering a new continent or something.” Lance says the song dropped into his lap during a song-writing session with an old buddy. 

“Yeah Greg Ashley and I were bouncing some ideas off each other before the other 7 writers got to the session, and Greg was sipping on a Miller Lite, when a light bulb went off,” laughed Lance. “I said ‘Greg, what do we do almost every single day and especially on the weekends that nobody ever sings about?'” Lance says Greg suddenly stared at the white can in his hand and gasped.

“We immediately hopped in his truck and left; told the other writers we couldn’t make it,” said the singer. “We couldn’t have anybody else in on this absolutely groundbreaking concept; this was our discovery of the wheel if you will.”

The pair drove into the country and found an open field to park in and partake in more of said alcoholic beverages. The song seemed to fall out of the sky when they picked up their guitars. While Lance wouldn’t tell us the title, he intimated that it was likely a genius pun using the word beer in place of something that rhymes with beer. 

“This is gonna be f***ing huge!” said a clearly ecstatic Lance. “It may save country music.”

At press time, Cade Lance was rushing the song to radio as he heard rumors that droves of Nashville songwriters had caught wind of his disruptive new idea.

Rebel Flags To Be Allowed for Morgan Wallen’s Oxford, MS Concerts

In a brief reprieve of their rules, the Vaught-Hemingway Stadium commission and the Ole Miss Athletic Department have agreed to allow Confederate flags for two nights only at the venue, during the two upcoming Morgan Wallen shows. After removing the rebel flags from football games in ’97 with their “stick ban” and giving Colonel Reb a kick several years later, the school will let Wallen fans fly it on April 22 and 23 only.

“We felt it was important to support the culture of Morgan’s music,” said Athletic Director Kenny Marter. “While we don’t agree with use of that flag… anymore, we realize many of Morgan’s fans come from a nescient background, and we don’t want 60,000 of those people feeling out of their element on our campus.”

Sales of Confederate flag merchandise will be prohibited on the University of Mississippi grounds, but show attendees may bring theirs from their large home collections, as long as “poster, flag, or other display item does not impede the view of other fans.”

Morgan Wallen’s management had no comment on the temporary stay of rules at this time, but his fans were more than eager to give their thoughts on the matter. 

“That’s freekin awesome,” said Vernajean Lucas of Panther Burn, MS in a recent Facebook post. “We can come together and celebrate are favorite music and are heritage at the same time! [sic]” Another fan, Jaxon Strickland of Flowood tweeted the following: Hell yeah, me and the boys coming up in are squatted trucks waving THE REAL OLD GLORY all the damn way, and I DO Not CARE WHO OFFENDED. Can’t wait too see my boy! [sic]

Morgan Wallen, with openers Hardy, Ernest, and Bailey Zimmerman plays April 22 & 23 at Vaught Hemingway in Oxford. The second show was added after the high demand for the original date. 

At press time, other amenities to be provided at the Wallen concerts were pickup truck accessory vendors, White Claw tastings, DUI lawyers posted up at the exits, and a Proud Boys booth.

---

This is satire/fake news, duh.

Luke Bryan Just Recycles New Year’s Resolutions From 2011 Again

Country superstar Luke Bryan recently dropped his handwritten New Year’s Resolutions list on Instagram, and eagle eyed followers noticed something interesting. Bryan fan Lucy Ziffle took a screenshot of the post and took the picture into Photoshop.

“I noticed something funny y’all,” she said under her post. “The whited out part behind ’2023’ was just the previous years! LOL, but we don’t care, he can keep doing the same thing every year till he retires! Luvin’ Luke!”

In her image, she added focus and contrast to the area and somehow cleaned it up enough that viewers could clearly see every year from 2011-2022 covered over. (Don’t ask us how this works; it doesn’t seem possible… and don’t go looking for it, just believe us.)

While it might be odd to use the same physical copy year after year, Luke clearly found his niche with this checklist in 2011 and stuck to it. The commitment to doing the same thing over and over and over, while predictable and safe, has been successful. 

Here’s what he had on the list.

1. Shake my ass in front of moms, daughters, and embarrassed dads at concerts

2. Wear jeans a size too small

3. Sing ONLY about college girls, trucks, love, drinking domestic beers, working, America, and deer

4. Keep teeth pearly white

5. NEVER EVER EVER say anything of importance, depth, or controversy in interviews or on social media

6. Only put out songs that are somewhat traditional sounding if the lyrics are cringe

7. Keep Farce the Music blocked on Twitter so he can’t hurt my feelings again

8. Root for them Georgia Bulldogs!

The Crud Report: January 2023

Pop-Country Singer Shares Lovingly Scripted Holiday Family Hijinks

Superstar pop-country singer ____ recently shared some lovingly curated pre-Christmas hijinks with his household. It was highly family-friendly and positive to preclude any naysayers of said artist from finding anything worthy of “hating” on. 

In the series of videos, ____ led his family of 23 people and 2 dogs in a clearly rehearsed musical number featuring songs from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman. All persons involved, including the children, were as poised and trained as Disney Channel actors and actresses, putting forth the sort of commercially acceptable filler content sites like The Boot and Taste of Country revel in this time of year, with there being little other news of note going on.

Only a Grinch, Scrooge, Satan, or “that ain’t real country” blogger could find any sort of fault in these primped, staged, and PR committee approved scenes of Yuletide glee.

The cynicism-proof videos also featured cutely choreographed dance numbers featuring ____ himself wearing an elf costume and doing whatever TikTok dance is currently in fashion. Once upon a time, the singer was a bit rougher around the edges and said things that rubbed people the wrong way from time to time, but these days he is a straight up f**king Hallmark movie.

To prove they aren’t entirely straight-laced, ____ and his beautiful wife were also seen playing naughty (wholesome and scripted) pranks on one another. In one oh-so-cute clip, ___’s wife dumped a bucket of paper snow on ___’s head as he walked out of the bathroom. He fell to the carpet in premeditated shock and silliness, just like Waylon woulda done if such technology had existed in the late 70s. 

At press time, _____ was helping his social media manager edit a video in which the singer ‘hilariously’ suggests the kids leave out White Claw and Quest bars for Santa.

Independent Country Artist Turns a Profit on Tour (by Selling Drugs)

Rising country singer Les Millage recently purchased one of Merle Haggard’s old tour buses and had it refurbished into a palace on wheels. Les has also upgraded he and his band’s (the Village) array of intruments and equipment in the past year. He’s turned a huge profit on the band’s recent tour, and they’ve done all this despite never having sold more than 2000 copies of an album, only sporadically selling out shows (mostly when opening for Mike & the Moonpies), and never once being featured on Saving Country Music. So how does Les do it?

“Pills,” laughed Millage. “What you need?” He went on to explain that he’s been a ‘go to’ guy since high school and that he only got into country music while bored during a 2015 ice storm in his native South Carolina. “Yeah, I hope to make singing the main income source eventually, but until then, we have a ‘backing interest’ in the band.”

Many smaller music acts have found difficult footing in recent years, with Spotify payouts being so minuscule, and music venues taking cuts of the merchandise, it’s hard to keep a four-piece on the road. Most bands just grind it out, doing their own publicity, and holding down regular jobs when they’re home, but not Les. 

“I only go home to pick up product,” he explained. “Whatever my plug has got, I can move it. I’m more broke when I’m off tour.”

Millage opened up a road case that was made for housing an amplifier to reveal a pharmacy. “Word has gotten around, so people just come up to the bus before and after shows and we do the do,” Said Les. “I won’t sell meth, crack, or heroin… gotta have a code… but whatever else you’re in the market for, we got ya. Weed, Benzos, xannies, jellies, jets, shrooms, whatever… and I can even put in a special order for DMT or half moon… my guy is the best.”

Millage, best known for his song “Jesus and Southern Pacific,” revealed to us that his previous tours lost $1,905 and $3,002 respectively, and that he’d only made about thirteen bucks off Spotify streams. He would not say how much the current tour had made because "Feds watchin' ...and I'm just joking about the pills. I'm just good at budgeting." 

At press time, Les Millage and the Village were playing Jackson, Mississippi for $65 and a bar tab, but he expected to net around $950 for the night.