Drop it Like a Tailgate (Girl)

(Drop it Like a) Tailgate

©2014 FTM Satire

Rick Ross on the Fosgates

Raptor rollin' can't be late

Country girl for a hot date

Cut-offs make my heart race

Drive out where the crops grow

Pickups by the dirt rows

Bass kickin' errbody know

She's here to rock the show

(Girl)

Drop it like a tailgate

Shake it like an earthquake

Wiggle like some live bait

Girl

Switch it up crank some Luke Bryan

Honey-thang move that behind

Fireballin' no I don't mind

Gettin' crunk like a combine

Bro mad-doggin' wanna fight

Chill dude, it's a'ight

Get faded on some Bud Light

Let's all have a good night

(And watch her)

Drop it like a tailgate

Stop it like a disk brake

Make a gay dude go straight

Girl

Bridge

Every Friday I do the same

Wife beater and a wallet chain

Fly hotties and spittin' game

I already forgot her name

(but she can)

Drop it like a tailgate

Float it like a snowflake

Curvy as a rat snake

Girl

Yeah,

Drop it like a tailgate

Throw it like a bouquet

Hotter than a burnt steak

Girl

Thanks to @Cati_Jolyn for the cash money hook!

Monday Morning Memes: Chase Rice, Eric Church, etc.

Country Music Video Bingo

Print this out. Turn on CMT or GAC during those times when

they actually show videos. Crack a cold one. Enjoy.

Lyrical Satirical: Darn Good Time (A Kinder Gentler Bro-country Anthem)

What if bro-country songs were respectful of women, 

responsible with drinking habits and less concerned with outlaw posturing?

Darn Good Time

©2014 FTM Satires

Headed to the party

Driving the speed limit

Hands free callin'

I'll be there in a minute

I'm ready for a drink

My throat's got a tickle

But I wait till I'm safely

Out of the vehicle

Chorus

We're all here to have a darn good time

Let's responsibly enjoy some legal shine

Just see the young women, I respect their minds

Shout "Heck Yeah!" let's have a darn good time

Pass around the good stuff

But only have a couple

Don't want anyone

Getting in any trouble

One fellow's getting angry

He's red-faced and cussin'

Let's try to cool him down

With a friendly discussion

'Cause

We're just here to have a darn good time

Let's responsibly enjoy some legal shine

Just see the young women, I respect their minds

Shout "Heck Yeah!" let's have a darn good time

Bridge

Crank up some Huey Lewis

That's how we like to rock

But if there's any drugs or sex

I'm gonna call the cops

We're all here to have a darn good time

If you're a bit too young, you can have Cheerwine

Just see the young women, I respect their minds

Shout "Heck Yeah!" let's have a darn good time

2014 Country Radio Bingo!

Turn on your local Clearchannel country station and play along!

It's not a drinking game because I don't want anyone to die of alcohol poisoning.

Lyrical Satirical: There's a Truck in the Middle of the Field

Sung to the tune of "There's a Hole in the Bottom of the Sea."

There's a Truck in the Middle of the Field

There's a truck in the middle of the field

There's a truck in the middle of the field

There's a truck

There's a truck

There's a truck in the middle of the field

There's a girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a girl

There's a girl

There's a girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a bro

There's a bro

There's a bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a beer

There's a beer

There's a beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a fire gleaming off the beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a fire gleaming off the beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a fire

There's a fire

There's a fire gleaming off the beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a fight beside the fire gleaming off the beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a fight beside the fire gleaming off the beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a fight

There's a fight

There's a fight beside the fire gleaming off the beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's some shine that fueled the fight beside the fire gleaming off the beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's some shine that fueled the fight beside the fire gleaming off the beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's some shine

There's some shine

There's some shine that fueled the fight beside the fire gleaming off the beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a song about the shine that fueled the fight beside the fire gleaming off the beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a song about the shine that fueled the fight beside the fire gleaming off the beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a song

There's a song

There's a song about the shine that fueled the fight beside the fire gleaming off the beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a truck cranking the song about the shine that fueled the fight beside the fire gleaming off the beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a truck cranking the song about the shine that fueled the fight beside the fire gleaming off the beer in the hand of the bro to the left of the girl in the truck in the middle of the field

There's a truck

There's a truck

…there's a truck in the middle of the field

16 Signs You're a Huge Luke Bryan Fan

Paint Chips...you tend to eat them. -CB

You're not entirely sure what your virginity is and where it might be if you have lost it. -VF

You had to "register" and alert your neighbors concerning your "incident." - @DosRingos

The rest of the literate world has to sound out your Twitter and Facebook posts because they follow no accepted rules of spelling, grammar, or abbreviation. -MN

You go to a Randy Rogers concert and expect him to gyrate his hips during "Fuzzy." -CF

You drink Fireball Whiskey because as Shakespeare said, you hold your manhood cheap. - @TheJackalopeTX

Numb from the waist down because your pants are too tight and numb from the neck up because you do actually listen to to Luke Bryan -BM

You defend any criticism about Luke Bryan's music with the phrase, "But he's sooooooo hott!!!!" -SG

You think ‪Earl Dibbles Jr‬ is real. -DR

You keep a spare pair of skinny jeans in your trunk just in case you have a blowout. - ‏‪@shelbyjo‬

You wear your boots with your chubbies. -LY

You didn't know you could listen to music on the internets. -VC

You have to borrow your mom's credit card to buy his music - @MMars75

You own a $50,000 truck, but the wheels have never touched anything but concrete. -BS

You had to have a special hemorrhoid relief seat installed in your big black jacked up truck due to many hours of sitting on that diamond plate tailgate -JS

You start calling your mom 'girl.' -MP

----------------------

Thanks to FTM's Facebook friends and Twitter pals for the submissions!

Monday Morning Memes: Luke Bryan, Clay Walker, etc.

Why Country Music Was Awful in 2013

Nice work, Grady!

Least Essential Country Albums: Dec. '13

Winner Winner Christmas Dinner

Country Bumper Stickers: Nov. '13

Fun New Game Sweeping the Countryside: Bro Libs

If Dallas Davidson Had Written These Classics

FTM ponders what these classic rock, R&B and country songs would have sounded like if Dallas Davidson or any of his compadres had written them...

Heartbreaker (Led Zeppelin)

Shake so good got me in a bind, tripping on wallet chains

You're fillin' that bikini top, glistening by the fire

Sugar shaker, your tan lines glow, come take your Levi's off

Love that moneymaker

American Pie

So hey girl, Miss American Pie

Drove my Raptor to the pasture, drinkin' cherry moonshine

And us good old boys were crankin' Jay-Z on up

Singing this'll be the night I get some, this'll be the night I get some

He Stopped Loving Her Today

She stopped shakin' it today

He took her pic off his dashboard

And soon he'll wreck his Chevrolet

She stopped shakin' it today

When Doves Cry

Touch if you will my tattoo

Sweet-ass new tribal design

You've got the watermelon lipstick

Don't make me beg you

Country boys got pride

Hey Jude

Hey Chad, don't spill my beer

Crank a Hank song just like a baller

Remember to find a chick at the bar

Then you can start to give a holler

Thunder Road

And the truck door slams, Mary's sundress sways

Like a vision, she scoots across that bench seat

As the radio plays, Toby Keith singing "Who's Your Daddy"

Hey let me rub on your big fatty

New Video: Wade Bowen - Songs About Trucks

Monday Morning Memes: Trucks, CMAs, Strait, etc.

Single Review: Chase Rice - Ready Set Roll

Chase Rice - Ready Set Roll
If you choose to hear this "song," you can do so here.

The first thing you hear is a pop-country-ish intro created with "instruments" (if "instruments" = 0s and 1s) used in hip-hop and pop songs then the voice of a Speak and Spell. Hmm, is this how Hank done it? No, and I don't even think Bocephus on his worst bender would be okay with this shit. 

After listening to this song once, I had to cleanse my ears for an hour with George Strait. Back to the review...

Mr. Rice helped write "Cruise" with a dozen or so other Music Row murderers, and being the young fellow that he is (he must be young, right? Just look at that backwards cap.), he thinks if one time elicits a positive response, you should repeat yourself over and over and over because that will be even better! It's like a young child telling a knock-knock joke. The parent laughs to be polite and nurturing, so the kid figures "Hey, let's do 341 more!" Speaking for everyone on planet Earth, we don't want 1 more "Cruise," much less 341!!

I imagine some semblance of this conversation went on in the writing room:

Rhett Akins: "I'm bored guys, let's challenge ourselves on this one."

Chris De Stefano: "Cool, bro."

Chase Rice: (takes shot of Fireball, grimaces) "I'm in! What's the game?"

Rhett: "Let's see how many cliches we can stuff into one song and still have it released as a potential hit single."

Chris: "But I do that every time."

Chase: "Who's Cleeshay? Is that one of your old groupies, Rhett? You dog, you!"

I count at least 7 oft-used phrases in the first verse alone, but who's counting? Not the 12-19 year olds who are buying this crap. It's all new to them. But is it? It's getting to the point that the writers are repeating themselves as fast as they can wipe their butt-sweat off the tailgate and pour another jar of store-bought moonshine, not just waiting a few years to give people time to forget that last "rock your world." How can you not get sick of the same imagery and thematic concepts (LOL, concepts…that would require conceptualizing) when they show up in 3 out of 4 songs?

We got trucks, we got tires, we got lips, we got sexy, we got hip hop phrasing, we got trucks, we got drinking. We got us a hit song, Rhett! 

If it ain't getting worse, it's dragging the bottom at "ninety to nothin'." This is not even a well written party song, it's just a grocery list of triteness wrapped in false edginess. Move on, Nashville.

F

Lyrical Satirical: I'm So From the Country

A bro-country song as written by someone whose first language is not English.

Why? Because... that's why. And is it any worse than this?

I'm So From the Country

©2013 FTM Satire

She is from the country and she talks as such

She enjoys when I arrive in my large pick-up truck

She is wearing shorts that nearly show her buns

Let us find a deserted lane to have sexual fun

Chorus

Me, I'm so from the country

Me, I love beer that tastes skunky

I'm so country, more than you've seen

Listen to me tell you southern things

Here's a rural field with a group of local friends

Here's the part where I mention her butt again

Here's a large fire burning and strong drink passed around

Let us twerk our bottoms to some Hank and really get down

Me, I'm so from the country

Me, I enjoy my hip-hop funky

I'm so country my drawl has bling

Listen to me tell you southern things

Bridge

We enjoy to party!

We get drunk and take a ride!

Let us get into water naked

And I put my peener inside!

Me, I'm so from the country

Me, I will give your face a punching

I'm so country I enjoy bee stings

Listen to me tell you southern things

Bro-Country Lingo Bingo

Gather friends. Enjoy an adult beverage. Listen to country radio. Play. First person to BINGO gets to stop listening to country radio immediately.

Got Country Bro?