Mar 31, 2015
The Best Country Show Ever?
The lineup for Willie Nelson's 2015 4th of July Picnic has been released and it may be the strongest collection of country music talent that has been amassed in ages (decades? ever?). Not even listed on the following poster are Billy Joe Shaver, David Allan Coe, Chris Stapleton and Johnny Bush. Good grief. Road trip? (Oh, and the Billy Bob's 2-day 4th of July fest looks damn good too!)
Mar 30, 2015
Mar 29, 2015
Mar 28, 2015
Saturday Night Music: Roger Clyne & the Peacemakers
RCPM covering The Refreshments' (most of the current band's former band) "Preacher's Daughter."
Mar 27, 2015
"Girl Crush" Parody Lyrics
They definitely wouldn't play this version on the radio...
Man Crush
(Parody of Little Big Town's "Girl Crush")
I gotta man crush, I can't deny it and
He thrills me so much, can't settle down
I need it like that, want everything he's got
That grin and the chiseled bod he’s givin’ you now
I wanna hold his hand, yeah, go where it has gone
I wanna drown myself in a bottle of his Axe cologne
I want his stubbled chin, I want his sculpted butt
Yeah, ‘cause I know then, you’d want me just as much
I gotta man crush, I gotta man crush
I don’t get no rest, No I'm always stressed
Thinkin’ about him getting undressed
The way he is pleasin', all that heavy breathin'
Lord knows I’ve strained, I can’t get him off my brain
I wanna hold his hand, yeah, go where it has gone
I wanna drown myself in a bottle of his Axe cologne
I want his stubbled chin, I want his sculpted butt
Yeah, ‘cause I know then, you’d want me just as much
I gotta man crush, I gotta man crush
I gotta man crush, I can't deny it and
He thrills me so much, can't settle down
He thrills me so much, can't settle down
I need it like that, want everything he's got
That grin and the chiseled bod he’s givin’ you now
I wanna hold his hand, yeah, go where it has gone
I wanna drown myself in a bottle of his Axe cologne
I want his stubbled chin, I want his sculpted butt
Yeah, ‘cause I know then, you’d want me just as much
I gotta man crush, I gotta man crush
I don’t get no rest, No I'm always stressed
Thinkin’ about him getting undressed
The way he is pleasin', all that heavy breathin'
Lord knows I’ve strained, I can’t get him off my brain
I wanna hold his hand, yeah, go where it has gone
I wanna drown myself in a bottle of his Axe cologne
I want his stubbled chin, I want his sculpted butt
Yeah, ‘cause I know then, you’d want me just as much
I gotta man crush, I gotta man crush
I gotta man crush, I can't deny it and
He thrills me so much, can't settle down
Mar 26, 2015
Mar 25, 2015
Best Craigslist Ad EVER
I wish I'd written this. It's an actual Craigslist ad (though clearly with tongue firmly in cheek). Amazing. Brought to my attention by @thetreywilson
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Chase Rice - Ride
(link)
Apparently this corrupt song, "Ride" by Chase Rice, is quite popular on the satellite radio. Now I don't know what a satellite radio is, but I do know that I prefer my Oldsmobile stereo if this is the type of vulgar cow-pucky they play on that new fangled thing. This is by far the most spiritually depraved musical selection I've ever listened to. I once had to throw away a box of "Negroes With Attitudes" and "Two Live Crue" cassettes my son had hidden under his bed, but I didn't lay ear upon that evil, and my son didn't walk straight for a month after I did not spare the rod upon his backside.
Anyway, this tune… It is purely about the lust of the flesh. At my age, I'm not even tempted by like of the flesh, so that's already a strike against "Ride." In the first verse, Mr. Rice sings "Whisper dirty secrets while I'm pulling on your hair." It seems to me that she might be yelling dirty words because her scalp is in pain, but that's just me. I'm not affiliated with this sort of 60 shades of grey trash this generation seems to be infatuated with. The naughtiest my wife and I ever got was the time "The Clapper" accidentally turned the lamp on while we were engaged in marital coitus.
Later on this purveyor of satanic infidelity sings "kiss your body from the tip top all the way down to your feet." If this means what I think it means, Mr. Rice may have placed his mouth upon this lady-friend's baby factory! What sickness is this?? The female body is to be honored and cherished, not dripped with candle wax and masticated upon. Get behind me Satan! And I don't mean for homosexual activities!
This is only a small sampling of the odious pursuits explored in this heinous song. Other bits of discourtesy to our Lord that are mentioned or referred to are: non-missionary position sex, drinking, contact with breasts, smoking the wacky tobacco, and possible thrusting. These things are not even smiled upon inside the bounds of holy matrimony, much less within the desperate throes of a one-night-stand or fruitless explorations of a long-term courtship. Sex is reserved for honeymoons, procreation, and wedding anniversaries. Songs like this just make it sound wet, tiring, and shameful. Depart from me, Chase Rice!
F
Mar 24, 2015
Mar 23, 2015
Mar 22, 2015
Mar 21, 2015
From the Archives: She's COUNTRIER
Originally Posted November 17, 2009
She's Countrier: A Satire
This is a send-up of all the "my woman is a real country gal" songs... (She's Country in particular)
She's Countrier
v1
She was breach born in a Silverado
Raised in shed in a backwoods hollow
Fed cold collards, cheese and pimento
Smelling pig crap every time the wind blows
Lift
Yeah, we're from the same bloodline
But the reason that she's mine
Chorus
She's countrier
Than a muddy ol' fat sow
She's countrier
The girl can work a plow
You wanna see cornfed, better come see her
Your girl might be country but she's countrier
v2
She drinks moonshine like its faucet water
Wears cutoffs to church, no she shouldn't oughtta
She yells "Yeehaw!" everytime she sneezes
Got a rebel flag tatt right next to Jesus
Lift
That's right, the girl's got class
Can get a coon treed real fast
Chorus
She's countrier
Than a poison ivy rash
She's countrier
Name on every overpass
You wanna see a yokel, better come meet her
You might know some country but she's countrier
Bridge
She loves America and Camel cigarettes
All three of the Hanks and cooking up meth
She's countrier
Than ol' David Alan Coe
She's countrier
Than a homemade garden hoe
You gotta hike through kudzu to come see her
You've been to the country but she's countrier
Mar 20, 2015
Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews New Tim McGraw
Welcome Carl Outlaw, real country fan, to FTM as a new reviewer to replace the soon-to-be grad Brittany Fant. Carl fancies himself a country purist and I fancy him, uh, pretty much a jackass. NSFW.
Tim McGraw - Diamond Rings and Old Barstools
Really? Really? Tim McGraw is my first review for Farce the Music? Haha. This dude is so fake, he makes the Kardashians look like the Hatfields. How'd he get Faith Hill? I mean, she sucks at singing country, but I'd like to feel her "breathe" if you know what I mean.
This yuppie wouldn't know country music if it bit him in his anorexic ass. This is the same guy who sang "Truck Yeah" in case you forgot. He got down on his bony knees and said "whatever you want Mr. Borshitta!" Waylon never sang about trucks and that's all I need to know. Hank Sr. is rolling in his grave like a rotisserie chicken every time Tampon McGraw opens his stupid mouth.
Tim uses autotune all the time and he hasn't written any of his songs so you know he's a punk ass. Anybody who doesn't write they're own songs by themselves in a dark room while drinking bourbon and crying isn't really country. Pop country is neither pop nor country, it's just bullshit.
I actually didn't even listen to this song because Tim McGraw is a douchebag and I know anything that comes out of his mouth is crap. Actually, I don't even know who he is and I've never heard any of his "songs" if that's what you could call them. I would pay like $500 to punch him in his Hollywood plastic surgery, plastic hat wearing face.
Go lick some balls, Timmy.
------
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece by a fictional lout who thinks he is the arbiter of which music is actually country. Much like myself, minus the lout part.
Tim McGraw - Diamond Rings and Old Barstools
This yuppie wouldn't know country music if it bit him in his anorexic ass. This is the same guy who sang "Truck Yeah" in case you forgot. He got down on his bony knees and said "whatever you want Mr. Borshitta!" Waylon never sang about trucks and that's all I need to know. Hank Sr. is rolling in his grave like a rotisserie chicken every time Tampon McGraw opens his stupid mouth.
Tim uses autotune all the time and he hasn't written any of his songs so you know he's a punk ass. Anybody who doesn't write they're own songs by themselves in a dark room while drinking bourbon and crying isn't really country. Pop country is neither pop nor country, it's just bullshit.
I actually didn't even listen to this song because Tim McGraw is a douchebag and I know anything that comes out of his mouth is crap. Actually, I don't even know who he is and I've never heard any of his "songs" if that's what you could call them. I would pay like $500 to punch him in his Hollywood plastic surgery, plastic hat wearing face.
Go lick some balls, Timmy.
------
Disclaimer: This is a satirical piece by a fictional lout who thinks he is the arbiter of which music is actually country. Much like myself, minus the lout part.
Mar 19, 2015
OMG Reviews: Brittany Says Goodbye
"Take Your Time"
Hey guys, it's been a while! I'm sad (but more happy) to say this is going to be my final review for Farce the Music. It's been fun, but I'm 17 now, about to head off to community college in fall and I just don't have the time or inclination to review country songs any more. I'm so over talking about Tyler Hubbard's abs or Keith Urban's old man appeal. My tastes have matured. I'm more into dance music these days, though I'll always love my Hunter Hunter Hunter!
For my final review, I'm going to cover Sam Hunt's "Take Your Time." OMG! (one last girlish squeal!) Sam is a hottie. He's tall and in shape and seems to be so smart too. Now, Trailer and all his lame-ass buddies are going to tell you that this song IS NOT COUNTRY (spoken in an authoritarian, down-their-nose tone of voice - because you couldn't possibly make up your mind for yourself, LOL). However, I'm going to tell you that this is what country is these days, and if you don't like it, I suggest you pull out your dusty-ass vinyl records and weep in your whiskey to some old Johnny Cash (yes, I know he isn't Jimmy Cash now) or Waylon. That stuff is never coming back except on blogs by 40-year-old dudes and at your local listening room when Sturgill Simpson comes to town. Get some counseling if you can't deal.
"Take Your Time" is partially spoken, partially sung, and entirely sexy. Sam takes on the role of a gentleman who just wants to chat up a lovely lady. He doesn't want to be the typical dude who just wants to get in them Vicky Secrets. Now look, we can cut the BS here. I know he's just speaking to my inner Cinderella and it's all a ploy to separate me from my $1.29 or whatever songs cost now, but shiiiiiittttt, it's working. If a dude looking like Sam says "I don't want to go home with you," I'm assuming he's gay in this day and age, but I'm willing to live the fantasy for four minutes. Yeah, buy me a mojito, let's talk about hopes and dream… lol, like I'm ready to get all deep on a Friday night. But whatever, Mr. Hunt. (I'm sorry Hunter!)
Sam talks and sings in a country voice, he doesn't cuss, he's a gentleman, the song is about relationships, kinda…. so in my book, this is a country song. Step your crotchety ass off if you hatin'. That's it. I'm out.
I think my replacement is like, the polar opposite of me, so you "traditionalists" out there should be happy. As for me, I'll be cranking some Drake and Calvin Harris and Zedd and Robin Schulz and studying to become the cutest actuary in the rust belt and not worried about your twangy old asses. But I wish you the best.
Au revoir.
Brit
(Five Heart Hands, OMG!)
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