Know the Difference

Just Shut Up, Bro

Reginald Spears Tweets Illustrated

Latest Promo Photos: Sturgill Simpson, Brantley Gilbert, etc.

 

Little Known Facts: Outlaw Country Cruise Edition

Little Known Facts: Outlaw Country Cruise Edition
AKA 'Rubbing It In Trailer's Face That He's Not Going'

By Jeremy Harris

While at sea, Donald Trump will sign an executive order preventing 

Steve Earle from reentering America. Steve won't mind.

Shooter Jennings will be late for at least one show because 

Jessi Colter will forget to sign him out of daycare.

The Band Perry are a late addition to the cruise. 

Luckily for them they all got the same shift in the kitchen.

There is a waiting list of seagulls that want to play 

in Chicken Shit Bingo with Dale Watson.

Crew members will have to move the Mojo Nixon swear jar 

to the center of the ship to prevent capsizing.

Nobody will wonder where Luke Bryan is. They also won't give a shit.

Brian Kendrick will not be on RAW on February 27th.

The cruise will last several additional days after 

Elizabeth Cook overtakes the captain.

When asked if he's bringing any produce aboard, 

Eddie Spaghetti will hope they mean vegetables.

Brantley Gilbert tried to get on the cruise but you have to 

have a bank account to purchase tickets.

Pirates around the world have warned each other not to mess with this cruise. 

Reason: Billy Joe Shaver

Parody Album Covers: Johnny Paycheck, Jamey Johnson, etc.

Latest Promo Photos: Stapleton, Zac Brown Band, Kelsea Ballerini, etc.

These don't seem right. I'm just posting what PR sends me...








(These were inspired by the hilarious Millions of Dead Posers.)

Brantley Gilbert Has a One Track Mind

Cash Brantley Ousside

Parks & Recreation: Country Reaction Gifs

Avoiding your coworker's conversation about 

the latest episode of The Voice

Jason Isbell is working on a new album??

Would you rather go to a Brantley Gilbert concert

or let your pastor read your internet browser history?

 Why does Kane Brown have a career?

 How'd you make it through an entire hick-hop album

to write a review of it?

 When you catch a few seconds of the new Cole Swindell song

When you find out your fiancée loves Florida-Georgia Line

When the guy in the neighboring cubicle plans 

to listen to pop-country all day

WWE Country Reaction Gifs 19

If your feet touch the floor, you're a Luke Bryan fan

 When the guy on your shoulders says Dale Watson sucks

Fighting over who's going to be the bassist

in your Americana band like...

When Cole Swindell keeps trying to bring bro-country back

Did you hear that a Kane Brown fan graduated middle school?

When a Brantley Gilbert fan tries to form a complete sentence

Telling somebody who thinks Sam Hunt is country 

to take a seat

 Oh you're tired of Chris Stapleton winning all the awards?

The Ten Worst Country Songs of 2016

1. Thomas Rhett - Vacation
I mean, there have been worse songs in human history. The song your drunken friend made up about farts one night after eating Taco Bell at 2:14 a.m. "I'm Too Sexy?" Nah, that's better. Uh, "Who Let the Dogs Out?" Nah, still better. Um. Starship's "We Built This City"…yeah, that's a toss-up. You get the point. "Vacation" is bad; real bad; torture bad. It's not only poorly written by FOURTEEN PEOPLE, it's shoddy, sounding as if your friend's "fart song" was given a modicum of production by an intern. "Vacation" transcends bro-country because it's a perfect storm of awfulness. A shit hurricane. A dumpster fire in hell. A train wreck in a funeral home. Thankfully, radio somehow agreed that it was terrible and prevented it from becoming an actual hit. Still, Rhett Akins, what hath thou wrought upon us?


2. Chris Lane - Fix
Farce the Music probably made more memes about this song than any other in 2016. Twenty-sixteen was one of the worst years in the lifetime of most people reading these words, so imagine being one of the two worst songs during that time-frame. It's almost like you have to try to make something this bad. It rides on the 'love as a drug' cliché metaphor like a screaming toddler on the Booh Bah ride at Chuck E. Cheese. That might sound pretty entertaining, but imagine you're the parent, and the kid just threw up and his change of clothes is in the car and you locked the keys in. Yeah, that bad.


3. Clare Dunn - Tuxedo
This would be number one if it had actually made an impact on the country charts. Or 1b, anyway; yeesh "Vacation" is so bad. As it stands, the sheer horror of this thing still gives it a top 3 finish. This makes 2015's "Friend Zone" sound like "Blue Eyes Cryin' in the Rain." Clare Dunn, you should be embarrassed. I'm embarrassed for you, anyway.


4. Luke Bryan - Move
"Move" is the next in a long line of shaking it for me and kicking dust up on my kind of night. In fact, it's part 4 in that nightmare of a quadrilogy. Luke Bryan is probably on the verge of leaving crap like this off of his albums, being over 40 and all, but he's still hanging onto those last threads of his frat bro days. "Move" isn't quite as bad as the first three I referred to, but it's still "turn the channel within the first five notes" material.


5. Dustin Lynch - Seein' Red
This isn't a country song. This isn't a good pop song. Dustin Lynch has a pretty nice country-sounding voice. The fact that he's made such a swift move from semi-traditional pop-country to disco metro garbage like this is surely a clear sign that he's more enamored with dollar signs than art.


6. Dierks Bentley - Somewhere on a Beach
Dierks is better than this, but 2016 was the year Dierks decided he fully did not care what he's better than. He and his management and handlers were probably hoping this was the one that'd finally make him an A-lister, but nope. Still on that B-list, D. I'd rather hang just below elite level with songs I could be proud of than follow the crowd and still miss the mark.


7. The Band Perry - Comeback Kid
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha.


8. Florida-Georgia Line - H.O.L.Y.
(insert stock commentary about FGL trying to put out more mature songs and sounding ridiculous doing so)


9. Brantley Gilbert - The Weekend
I don't have the energy to make fun of Brantley again right now. This is just not good. Brantley's voice only sounds (relatively) good singing the random ballad now and then. He'd rather do these bro party anthems. I'd rather not hear them.


10. Kane Brown - Ain't No Stopping Us Now
Just stop. Kane has been another example of "the internet is not the real world" in 2016. You know… how internet popularity and social media bubble mindsets don't necessarily have any footing in the real world… One of those examples will be inaugurated in January. The other will be doing county fair shows for passionate Tumblr fans in the years to come.

Top 10 Reasons Brantley Gilbert Fans are on Santa's Naughty List

10. Didn't know she was 17

…and a second cousin

9. Stole a bunch of batteries and Calamine lotion trying to make meth

8. Got a DUI while listening to a Brantley Gilbert (who is sober) drinking song

7. Punched a little person because "he wouldn't send a message to Santa"

6. Punched a woman in a road rage incident while driving to anger management class

5. Selling rock candy as crack at alternative school

4. Toting around homemade pipe bombs at "open carry rally"

3. Spray painted misspelled answers to remedial reading test on water tower beside the school as a cheat sheet

2. Sheep. [details redacted]

1. Keyed car of blogger who was mean to Brantley

The Crud Report: Christmas 2016

I'm Sorry, This Exists: Christmas '16 Edition

This is all real merchandise (and other oddities).

Let's start with something I'm glad exists.... a Merle Haggard "ugly Christmas sweater"

Luke Bryan tumbler. Perfect for sipping Lime-a-ritas.

Brantley Gilbert pajamas with "Bottoms Up" on the ass. For your side chick.

A BG brass knuckles Christmas ornament. For when the cousins erupt into a brawl over who gets to play the PS4 next.

Gross.

Chris Lane socks might be your fix. I don't know why, but maybe.

If she wants to get "Nailed" this Christmas, these are for her!

The Average Joes comic book series featuring Colt Ford, The Lacs, and all your least favorite hick hoppers. I assume their arch enemy is Captain Irrelevance.

Class up the damn joint with this Fireball cornhole game. Probably not officially licensed.

Sam Hunt tank top with Bleeding Cowboys font! Yay!

Luke Bryan ugly Christmas sweater. Make it stop.

Grammatically incorrect Luke Bryan lyrics tattoo
(which are the actual lyrics)

Another kinda awesome item. A Janie Fricke snapback. On eBay!

Truck decal ... perfect stocking stuffer for that kinda racist uncle.