Showing posts with label Jason Aldean. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jason Aldean. Show all posts
Jan 30, 2019
Jan 16, 2019
The Next Smash for Jordan Lynch or Mitchell Davis or Whoever
If You Say I'm Not Country
©2019 FTM Lyrical Satirical
I like sugar in my unsweet tea
And my Texas chili full of beans
And I'll be on your ass like jeans
If you say I'm not country
I like to hunt a little snipe
And eat honeysuckle when it's ripe
And mister I might pull a knife
If you say I'm not country
Cause I'm from where they sing about
in songs from Kenny and Tim
Down there on that ol' rural route
Where I have definitely been
Church and mama and all that stuff
And girls sweet as Georgia plums
If you say I'm not, I'll call your bluff
I'm as country as they come
I love to crank those old outlaw songs
Turn up the Brantley and sing along
I'll throw hands and prove you wrong
If you say I'm not country
Cause I love me a Grizzly pouch
There's red on my neck skin
From working tater fields down south
Where I have definitely been
Shine and biscuits and all that stuff
And girls sweet as Georgia plums
If you say I'm not, I might get rough
I'm as country as they come
Bridge
You can say I use snap beats
You can say I'm auto-tuned
But you can't say I'm not country
Just look at my Aldean tattoo
Yeah I'm from where they sing about
in songs from Kenny and Tim
Down there on that ol' rural route
Where I have definitely been
Church and mama and all that stuff
And girls sweet as Georgia plums
If you say I'm not, I'll call your bluff
I'm as country as they come
Dec 13, 2018
What Your Favorite 2018 Album Says About You 3
Brothers Osborne - Port Saint Joe
You smoke dope and vote Democrat, but don't want your dad to find out.
Morgan Evans - Things That We Drink To
Wait, who??
6ix9ine - Dummy Boy
You were fired from your job at Walgreens for having purple hair (but really it was for stealing pills).
Ghost - Prequelle
Your idea of a good time is reading about serial killers on Wikipedia. You dabbled in satanism in high school, but now are a Lutheran.
MTHRFCKR - Micro Crystals
You are too much of a hipster contrarian to admit this album doesn't actually exist.
Eric Church - Desperate Man
You love how Eric is such a renegade and so different from all those other bro-dudes on country radio, but your favorite song of his is "These Boots."
The Carters - Everything is Love
You will send me death threats if I say this album wasn't that good.
Eminem - Kamikaze
You are male, mid-thirties, single, and still argue with your parents over the rent for your room over the garage.
Sun Kil Moon - This is My Dinner
You are a military interrogator and this is your "favorite" only in that it is the most effective torture device to get enemy combatants to reveal information.
Greta Van Fleet - Anthem of the Peaceful Army
You are a forty-something dad who respects Led Zeppelin but doesn't really like them. Your ex-wife is still living pretty comfortably off the divorce settlement, but sells LulaRoe and essential oils on Facebook for extra cash.
Jason Aldean - Rearview Town
You didn't actually listen to the whole album, just the singles. You type things on Facebook like "Sam Hunt sucks… listen too real country like Jason Aldean an Old Dominion!"
Labels:
Beyonce,
Brothers Osborne,
Eminem,
Eric Church,
Greta Van Fleet,
Jason Aldean,
Jay-Z,
Lists,
Morgan Evans,
Satire,
Takashi 69
Oct 26, 2018
Spiteful Aldean Vows to Never Release Another Good Single
Fake News Classics
by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, August 06, 2015
Breaking the one-decent-single-per-album trend that has characterized his career thus far, country superstar Jason Aldean vowed on Thursday to never release a good song to radio again.
"I'm sick and tired of these bloggers and old people and jealous haters deriving pleasure from any of my songs," Aldean told Country California. "If they're going to talk trash about all my other terrible - but focus group tested for maximum chart impact - singles, why should I give them a 'Flyover States' or anything else they might actually kinda enjoy?"
Aldean, the singer of "Amarillo Sky," has seemingly grown more jaded and irritable in recent years, likely due to critical 'bro-country' backlash and social media commentary about his romantic affairs.
"I don't owe anybody a damn thing, especially people who don't like the two to three predictably moronic party anthems I generally release to country radio in each album cycle - it's all or nothing, you jackasses," said a frowning Aldean after announcing the godawful "Gonna Know We Were Here" as his newest single.
Many of Aldean's so-called haters expected the final single from Old Boots, New Dirt to be the ear-pleasing "Two Night Town," as it has been Aldean's pattern to balance two or three sh*ttacular songs per album with at least one single that suggests he actually would have the talent to not be such a commerce-driven cliché of an artist if he were so inclined.
"Nobody will ever hear a 'The Truth' or a 'Night Train' from me again unless they dig into the deep album cuts," promised Aldean. "I'm not in the business of putting out intelligent or emotionally authentic songs that a Sturgill Simpson fan might find himself enjoying, despite misgivings."
"Screw those guys."
Labels:
Country California,
Fake News,
Fake News Classics,
Jason Aldean,
Satire
Sep 12, 2018
The Current Poop of Country Radio: September '18
A poop emoji is negative, a strike-thru is positive.
The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-14) overall which is a 16 point rise from June (the last time we did this chart). After June's worst score of all time, this is heartening. The best song on the chart is Eric Church's "Desperate Man" The worst is Dylan Scott's pointless "Hooked." There are 2 solo women on the charts and one song by the female-led Sugarland.
Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.
Aug 30, 2018
Honest Billboard Country Airplay Chart: August '18
Jun 27, 2018
Really Dumb Country Reviews: June '18
These are real reviews from a popular digital music service.
--------------------------------
Keith Urban - Graffiti U
Dan + Shay - s/t
Jason Aldean - Rearview Town
Dierks Bentley - The Mountain
Thomas Rhett - Life Changes
Kane Brown
Florida-Georgia Line - Simple
Jun 13, 2018
May 10, 2018
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Country Reaction Gifs
You paid the equivalent of 4 hours work time to go see Brantley Gilbert?
Reading through pop country YouTube comments like...
When your friend describes taking their kids to the Luke Bryan concert last night
When you meet a Kane Brown fan in public
When you hear Jason Aldean is opening a restaurant nearby soon
When you're polite but you just heard a Mitchell Tenpenny song
The first time you hear Tyler Childers
There's 7 solo female singers in the country top 40?
Bloggers who keep listening to bad music and watching bad awards shows so we can complain about them...
Remember when Sam Hunt put out a hip-hop song
and white people called it a country song?
May 9, 2018
Little Known Facts: May '18
In his teens, Jason Aldean was dropped by a vocal trainer who told Aldean's parents it was like trying to teach a legless man soccer
The greatest Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band is Lynyrd Skynyrd
The average Rascal Flatts fan is average
Evidently Bebe Rexha is not the subject of an early 90’s animated movie written by Reginald Hudlin
The bootleg Hank Jr. shirts on Facebook are sold by Hank Jr.
Cody Jinks, Whitey Morgan, and Ward Davis tour together so often so they can get the group discount at the beard groomer
Reba McEntire is the first Colonel Sanders to not have a cock, but only because she is allergic to feathers
Turns out, Blake Shelton is the jackass
The previous country fact was brought to you by The NFL Keurig Starbucks Yeti Nordstrom Netflix Oreos Dick's Pepsi TJ Maxx Lou's AR-15 n' Whiskey Shack
I was going to write the 500th fact that points out Shooter Jennings is short but I wanted to bring Farce the Music to new heights
Sam Hunt recently announced a winter 2018 Mexican tour starting on November 1, 2018
Blind item: Texas singer who recently signed with a major label uses full body pillows for his head
Early reports are that Chris Stapleton is the favorite to be named NBA Rookie of the Year
Support of a border wall by Congress has reached an all time high as long as it can be completed by November 2, 2018
----
Most of these by Jeremy Harris, but especially *that* one; you know the one.
Apr 26, 2018
Borat Country Reaction Gifs
You think Florida-Georgia Line sucks too?!?
Country radio exec:
*sees Paul Thorn in public*
Me: Try not to say something stupid...
Me: I don't like to dance
*Jo-El Sonnier song comes on*
Me:
When Jason Aldean puts out a good song with Miranda Lambert
Chris Stapleton had the second most added song at country radio this week!
When the car beside you is playing Kane Brown
The new John Prine album is nice, huh?
When your passenger says they're tired of listening to Merle
Still more country than Sam Hunt
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