Man Ecstatic He Couldn't Afford Florida-Georgia Line Tickets

Lawrence Kosmicki, 29, has never been so proud to be broke. The Las Vegas man recently lost out on Florida-Georgia Line tickets and lost a girlfriend on the same night, and he couldn't be happier. 

Larry's girlfriend of 2 months had been dropping hints for days that she wanted to see the pop-country duo during their residency at the Zappos Arena. "I ignored it at first because I hoped she was kidding. We didn't know each other that well yet and I was feeling out the situation" said a cheerful Kosmicki. "But when I took a look at her Spotify playlists, I was horrified by whatever a Filmore and a Kane Brown are, and knew she was serious."

Kosmicki said the hints became suggestions and the suggestions became a warning. "She said she was just gonna go with her ex-boyfriend if I wouldn't take her." he shook his head, "She wasn't threatening to cheat or anything, but she wanted to put that concern in my head to get her way."

Larry finally gave in last weekend. "I got just shitty blackout drunk so I'd be able to go through with the vile act," he laughed. "I felt dirty." 

Once online, he secured good seats for the FGL show, which also featured Mason Ramsey and Canaan Smith. When he went to checkout, his life began to change. The price for two tickets, after service charge, order charge, convenience charge, venue fee, insurance, fee charges, and charge fees came to $301.64. His checking account only had 83 bucks in it, so he tried his Mastercard. Nope. Visa. Nope. Diner's Club? Kroger rewards card? Nope. 

"I thought about calling my dad and asking for a loan, but then I had an epiphany. For you Florida-Georgia Line fans, an epiphany is a sudden moment of insight… anyway, I realized that there was no way on earth I'd ever be happy with a woman who loved the musical equivalent of somebody wearing a Bluetooth earpiece in Walmart," said Kosmicki. "So the hell with it." 

Larry called his girlfriend and told her to have a great time at the concert with her ex. He broke things off with her and immediately hit his knees in prayer. "I thanked God that I was broke, because I'd have gone through with (buying the tickets) and that would've been a really bad investment in a relationship that had no chance. I can't be unequally yoked with a person with terrible taste." he related.

At press time, Larry had just gotten his next paycheck but still "ain't buying no f***ing tickets to see Florida-Georgia Line." 

Hank 3's New Monday Night Football Theme Deemed Inappropriate

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Tuesday, January 19, 2010 

ESPN and NFL officials are beginning to regret asking Hank Williams III to pen and perform a new theme song for the stalwart Monday Night Football franchise. After deeming his first attempt "vulgar," "loud," "inappropriate" and "out of tune," MNF producers have asked Williams for a rewrite. 

"For the 2010-11 season, we wanted to reach a younger audience with a more rocking and contemporary theme song. Who better than the son of Bocephus, whose song 'Are You Ready for Some Football?' we've used for years?" asked MNF's Jay Rothman. "The song Shelton turned in certainly brought the rock and, for the most part, a more current sound, but was not at all right for our product." 

The first demo of Hank's "Monday Night M***********g Football" includes 21 profanities, 3 drug references, one line taken verbatim from the Satanic bible, and some disturbingly violent imagery. It starts out as a straight country song, reminiscent of something Williams' legendary grandfather might have done, before plowing headlong into a rambling punk/thrash metal amalgam complete with Cookie Monster vocals. 

"We did some editing on the track to see if there was anything usable," said Rothman, "and we did glean 20 seconds without cursing, but it was a verse about drinking whiskey and shooting the television with an ol' shotgun if your team loses. We just can't put that message out there." 

Hank has promised to tame it down, but is unrepentant about the first cut. "I just wanted to kick their ass man," said III. "Sh*t, the people want their teeth knocked down their throats with some hellbilly music before they watch their team beat the g*****n m***********g sh*t out of those other b*tches!" 

If Williams is unable to rewrite the song to the producers' satisfaction, the backup plan is to move forward with a Timbaland remix of Hank II's well-known theme, featuring T-Pain. 

The Crud Report: November 2018

Luke Bryan Shares Actual Political Thought

With 2018's big election day here, the normally politically reserved Luke Bryan finally spoke out. He posted the following statement on his Instagram account:

"Hey uh, y'all. Today is election day! If uh, y'all ain't felons and are 18, please get out there and exercise your right to vote today! If that's cool, you know. You also have to right not to vote too [sic]. That is equally as valid an option, unless you think it isn't. If you're offended by either of those options, please just skip over this post and go listen to my music. If you do vote, I won't tell you who to vote for or nothing. Just use your heart and mind and y'all pick the best man or woman or other person who you best feel lines up with your beliefs. I hope this didn't offend anybody. Please still like me."

The completely innocuous post gave no particular insights into Bryan's political affiliations or beliefs. It also placed no preference on voting or abstaining. Despite the unbiased and overly apologetic IG post, the comment section, of course, became a battleground full of venom and poor grammar. 

@lauraleekk436 replied: "You done it now and got political! I just comes here to see pitchers of you're butt in jeans and to fine out when you're next concerts is. I'm done with you now! Shut UP and sing! #kanebrownisbetter"

@lukesprintsess stated: "Don't forget about pizza gate and the emails and contrails when you vote today! Soros sucks! #maga"

@givesocialismachance said: "Maybe if you haven't done your research about the history of this country and all the lives America has destroyed, you shouldn't suggest that people vote. I imagine many of your fans are Trump supporters too, so it is very irresponsible for you to suggest they vote. You are complicit in the destruction of the world and the continued othering of oppressed populations if there's a red wave. I, in good conscience, cannot listen to your music anymore."

After a few hours of comments full of foul, misspelled, hateful screaming into the void, the post was removed, leaving us to again wonder if Luke Bryan has any actual opinions that don't relate to cutoff jeans, text messages, and beer on truck beds. The world may never know.

Dwight Yoakam Speaks Out on Chafing

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Friday, May 21, 2010 

Dwight Yoakam has taken on the yoke, so to speak, of bringing a seldom considered - but quite serious health matter to the forefront of the American consciousness. The twangy country singer/actor has signed on with NADDS (National Abrasion Detection & Deletion Society) to appear in their television and radio spots promoting the awareness of severe groin chafing. 

"This was a perfect fit for me, no pun intended," laughed Yoakam, who has been known to wear his boot cut jeans a bit on the tight side. "So I thought, hell, why not?" 

Lou Brickant, founder and head spokesperson for NADDS, told us: "Like ball and glove, this will be a close relationship; we'll be sponsoring D-Y's next tour and handing out pamphlets and comfort packets at each show. Lap wellness is a severely overlooked personal health issue in this nation and we intend to bring awareness to the fans' genital areas." 

Yoakam says he has taken steps in his life and career to prevent chafing which he thinks would benefit all his fans as well. "I've traded the painted-on jeans for merely wallpapered-on jeans and I've started liberally applying Blue Star ointments and powders to prevent rash and chafing. I've learned to pamper my package." 

Dwight has even written the hygiene issue into the first single from his forthcoming album. "It's called 'Blue Star Baby' and it's about a woman who hangs on waaay too tight," said Yoakam, fidgeting in his seat out of habit. 

The singer's 52-date "Saving the American Crotch" tour begins Friday, June 11 in Crested Butte, CO and continues through summer before wrapping up in Dicktown, NJ in September. 

Spiteful Aldean Vows to Never Release Another Good Single

Fake News Classics

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, August 06, 2015 

Breaking the one-decent-single-per-album trend that has characterized his career thus far, country superstar Jason Aldean vowed on Thursday to never release a good song to radio again. 

"I'm sick and tired of these bloggers and old people and jealous haters deriving pleasure from any of my songs," Aldean told Country California. "If they're going to talk trash about all my other terrible - but focus group tested for maximum chart impact - singles, why should I give them a 'Flyover States' or anything else they might actually kinda enjoy?" 

Aldean, the singer of "Amarillo Sky," has seemingly grown more jaded and irritable in recent years, likely due to critical 'bro-country' backlash and social media commentary about his romantic affairs. 

"I don't owe anybody a damn thing, especially people who don't like the two to three predictably moronic party anthems I generally release to country radio in each album cycle - it's all or nothing, you jackasses," said a frowning Aldean after announcing the godawful "Gonna Know We Were Here" as his newest single. 

Many of Aldean's so-called haters expected the final single from Old Boots, New Dirt to be the ear-pleasing "Two Night Town," as it has been Aldean's pattern to balance two or three sh*ttacular songs per album with at least one single that suggests he actually would have the talent to not be such a commerce-driven cliché of an artist if he were so inclined. 

"Nobody will ever hear a 'The Truth' or a 'Night Train' from me again unless they dig into the deep album cuts," promised Aldean. "I'm not in the business of putting out intelligent or emotionally authentic songs that a Sturgill Simpson fan might find himself enjoying, despite misgivings." 

"Screw those guys." 

One-of-a-Kind New Country Singer Carves His Own Niche

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California Wednesday, January 14, 2015 

Already named to The Boot's prestigious "Ones to Watch 2015" list, Brant Smith is poised for a breakthrough year and he wants you to know he's doing it his way. Our correspondent sat down with Bryant to find out what makes him stand out among this year's crop of stubble-chinned warblers. 

"Most debut artists don't get as much control over their music as Prestige Nashville has given me, but they saw something edgy and different in me and just handed over the reins," said Scott, molding a stray tuft of gelled hair back into the towering blond coiffure atop his head. Chris went on to explain how his first album will be a true portrait of his life and his completely distinctive upbringing. 

"Man, I grew up on a dirt road where there wasn't much to do, so me and my friends just kicked it the best way we knew how," explained Dylan. "I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes we'd just grab a few cold ones and some pretty girls and find a field to chill in. That's the kind of out-there stuff I want to bring to my music!" 

Chad's wildly idiosyncratic influences range anywhere from "good ol' country like Kenny and Trace" to Godsmack to Calvin Harris to Waka Flocka Flame. "Nobody out there's going to admit listening to all the crazy stuff I do, much less incorporate it into their country music," laughed Mark, pushing up the sleeves of his form-fitting grey henley. 

Steven, quite surprisingly a former high school quarterback, went on to say that he'd taken the unheard of step of co-writing the entire album with some of Nashville's lesser-known songwriters like Ashley Gorley, Josh Kear, and Kyle Jacobs. Jon expects to release an EP in early spring as he heads out in support of fellow maverick Chase Rice, with a full album to follow in the fall. 

Based on his nonconformist attitude and unusual backstory, we expect Lee to forge his own path outside the box on Music Row and become a force to reckon with on country radio. Listen to The Bobby Bones Show this Friday as Randy debuts his new single "Girl Let's Have a Good Time Tonight." 

One Guy Just Pretending to Be in Zac Brown Band

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Wednesday, November 03, 2010 

The Zac Brown Band has added a new member to its already large roster, unbeknownst to Zac Brown. 

FNN has learned that "rhythm guitarist" Jesse Carlsworth of Pittsburgh has been touring with the hit country group of his own accord since their performance in his city in July. He is not listed on the ZBB website or the CD booklet for their newest release You Get What You Give, but has found his way onto a couple of concert t-shirts and promo shots. 

At the band's recent show in Charlotte, NC, Carlsworth appeared onstage, heavy with facial growth and clad in a plaid shirt and torn jeans. Nothing seemed askew, as he shared between-song banter with other members and pretended, adequately enough, to play rhythm guitar throughout the 18 song set. During the coda of the final song, Zac Brown recognized all the band members, but looked perplexed when he came to Jesse, saying "and there's uh, ol' Zeke on second rhythm guitar." 

A call to management has gone unreturned, but attendees from other recent concerts have reported similar stories. "I didn't think nothin' about it, he was singing harmony just fine, I think," said Jeanie Luke of Phoenix. "You mean he ain't really in the band? I got him to sign my left boobie in the parking lot after the show!" 

For its part, the band has welcomed Jesse with open arms, despite confusion regarding the status of his employment. "I just figured Zac signed him," said drummer Chris Fryar, "and I don't guess Zac has paid him much mind and I haven't had time to ask because Zac's always cooking before and after shows." 

The Zac Brown Band, Jesse Carlsworth in tow, hit Indiana, Missouri and Kansas through the weekend. 

The Crud Report: October 2018

Collin Raye's Comeback Album All Songs About Underwear

Originally posted on Country California, Friday, February 20, 2009 

Fresh off several years of high-profile commercial exposure with his cheeky Fruit of the Loom ads, former country hitmaker Collin Raye has revealed that his comeback album will consist entirely of songs about underwear. To hear Raye tell it, he had little choice in the matter. "You don't mess with success" he laughed, referring to the "popularity" of songs like "You Can't Overlove Your Underwear." 

"Oh that'll be on there for sure, but that's just for starters" said Raye, his cheeks blushing with excitement or embarrassment. "The first single will be called 'I Love You in Yours (Tight Silky Drawers),' and it's a real slow burner of a love song." The album will also include the mid-tempo anthems "Pouchful of Love" and "I Hope You Dance (In Your Underpants)," the ballad "I'd Love to Lace You Down" and the rocking "Teenage Waistband." 

Raye hopes country radio will give these songs a chance despite their gstring-narrow subject matter. "Almost everyone wears 'em, so it's a universal topic. And I truly think this is some of the best-written material I've laid hands on in years. The thong... err, song's the thing" Raye winked, a teardrop gleaming in his eye. 

Although he has struggled to chart in recent years, Raye said he'd bet his Jockeys that one of his new tunes will "crack" the Top 40. Then he broke down sobbing, bringing our brief interview to an abrupt end.

Carrie Underwood Fan Group Outed as Cult

Possible C.U.L.T. members attend a fan club event

Carrie Underwood Lovers Together, or "C.U.L.T.," has been outed as a likely cult. The fan group, which was founded in 2009 on a Carrie message board, purchased a large tract of land in rural Tennessee in 2012 and many members have since relocated there. Stories out of the 502 acre commune have been bizarre and troubling. 

However, CULT leader Adam Porter, who asked that we refer to him as The Messenger, assured us that CULT is definitely not a cult. "I grow weary of the unenlightened misconstruing our mission here in Carrieton." he said, "We only wish to bring like-minded followers of The One into close contact that we may show our appreciation for her in harmony with one another." Despite The Messenger's denials of the commune's cult status, evidence suggests otherwise. 

Multiple members of the group have been admitted to hospitals due to malnutrition and leg injuries. Dawn Sumpkins, a former member of CULT, reported strict but nutritionally suspect forced vegetarianism and mandatory leg exercises. "They wanted us only eating veggies like Carrie, but failed to provide any protein or the necessary variety of vitamins, so people were passing out every day." said Sumpkins, "And so we could have legs like Carrie, we had to do squats and leg extensions daily without rest days - I tore my ACL twice; it was ridiculous." 

Another ex-CULT member related that when they weren't doing calf raises or meditation, they were required to spend 9 hours per day defending Carrie online.  On condition of anonymity, the individual told us: "We were taught in daily scriptures that Carrie is without flaw, that her music is pure form of God as artwork, and that anyone who besmirched her was an infidel. We were to seek any criticism of her work on Twitter or other sites, and give our Holy Support to The One by raging politely against the infidels."

Authorities in the area, while concerned about the CULT complex, have yet to find any illegal activities taking place. Police have only been called to the collective's unofficial town once. Nearby campers thought they heard several women being tortured, but it turned out to be Carrie-oke (karaoke) night.

When reached for comment about C.U.L.T., Mrs. Underwood's management issued the following statement: "We are currently consulting legal counsel to direct us in gaining protections from and putting distance between Carrie and this passel of loonies."

Fake News Classics: One Truck Still Doesn't Have a Country Song Written About It

One of Brenda's more fortunate classmates

Originally posted on Country California, Wednesday, July 23, 2014

A single 1974 Dodge Club Cab pickup in Oak Vale, Mississippi, has somehow escaped the gaze and thoughtful tune-smithing of country music songwriters. The sky blue four-speed vehicle resting beneath the spreading boughs of a 61-year-old magnolia tree to the side of retired farmer Clyde Henderson's modest home has never once been the lyrical setting of a tailgate party, mudding adventure, or late night tryst. 

Henderson says he feels bad for "Brenda" (his affectionate name for the Dodge) because even though she has taken part in such activities as circling up for a party, carrying wood for a bonfire, rolling over in a ditch on a tight curve, cranking ol' Hank, and other country music tropes, not so much as a chorus has ever memorialized her in song. "I think it hurts her - yeah, I think she has feelings - to hear literally every other pickup truck in America get its own few minutes of fame on country radio," said a downcast Henderson. 

These days, Brenda spends much of her time taking Clyde to his morning breakfast club or hauling the occasional load of firewood, her hard-partying glory days only documented in the dings, scrapes, and squeaks on the old Club Cab. "Don't tell Lena [Clyde's wife of 42 years] I said this, but our first kid was made in that ol' truck one night down by Jeff Davis Lake, while fireflies danced and Ray Price sang on those crackling speakers," recalled Henderson. "Hell, that's a platinum Jason Aldean single just waiting to happen." 

Other marketable, high-country-cred events in Brenda's past that have inexplicably been overlooked by Nashville's finest include: hauling ass down River Road with a stolen case of High Life in the bed, getting stuck in a soybean field on purpose, playing host to a tailgate striptease by Lena (don't tell her we said that), flying a rebel flag, taking Clyde and a friend to a Bocephus concert, and more. 

At press time, 64 Music Row songwriters were wondering why their GPS couldn't locate Oak Vale. 

The Crud Report: September '18

Confetti, Choreography, Coors: The New Chris Stapleton Concert Experience

Performing his second show in as many nights Saturday in Gilford, New Hampshire, beloved country superstar Chris Stapleton unveiled a completely different concert experience from the previous night. Responding to Twitter criticism that his shows aren't entertaining enough, Stapleton put on a wild and immersive event filled with hip-hop references, lasers, and screaming guitars.

At past shows, Stapleton simply walked out with his band to start the show, but tonight he exploded out of the stage with pyro and concussion bombs. "What up? Y'all ready to get this party started?!" hollered the bearded troubadour, and the crowd ate it up. 

"Well, throw your hands in the air and let's do this damn thing!" he shouted, pacing the stage to the cadence of a piped-in trap beat. Explosions rocked the stage, and fire shot from the mouths of metal scarecrows at the sides. Chris then launched into Thomas Rhett's Stapleton-penned smash, "Crash and Burn." 

While some in attendance seemed confused at the new Chris Stapleton, the rest of the crowd lost their minds. No longer standing behind a mic with guitar in hand, the singer danced and jaunted across the glittery stage, mimicking the steps Rhett performed in the song's video. He never missed a note as he whipped the fans into a frenzy.

Next, Stapleton's band started into the bouncy Rascal Flatts album cut "Vandalized," Chris saying "Y'all might not have heard this song but my homies Gary Levox and the crew killed it and I'm proud to do my own take of my song tonight!" The re-imagined version amped up the bass and Chris actually rapped most of the verses. It was shocking to hear the traditionalist favorite dropping bars, but he was surprisingly adept. 

The bulk of the rest of the show was songs from Chris' three album releases, but many of them were rocked-up renditions with producer and guitarist Dave Cobb showing off his shredding chops. During a power ballad take on "Fire Away," the entire band stood side by side as a backing track played and did the old 80s hair metal synchronized head bang. Confetti cannons blasted the crowd as Stapleton hit the final chorus. 

For the encore, Luke Bryan's hit "Drink a Beer" (also written by Stapleton), Chris asked a couple in the audience to throw him a couple of tall boys. They complied and he caught them both and smashed them above his head, pouring the Coors Light into his mouth like former WWE superstar, Stone Cold Steve Austin. The crowd popped huge. It was an exciting end to this impressive showcase of Stapleton's new direction.

When reached for comment after the show about the huge shift in vibe and persona, Stapleton told us "Cheryl in Topeka said on Twitter that I didn't deserve a nomination for Entertainer of the Year because I'm so boring. Well, that didn't sit well with me, so from now on we're taking it to the next level, keeping it lit, and burning the f**king house down every night."

Stapleton doesn't perform again until September 22, and it will be interesting to see how the Farm Aid crowd responds to his hip new high-octane show.

Fake News Classics: Alan Jackson Seeks Embarrassing Dud for Next Album

I recently received a file from CM Wilcox of the former Country California that includes all my old fake news posted at that dearly departed site. Some of them aren't relevant anymore or don't make sense to repost, but from time to time, I'll be posting some of those stories for your reading enjoyment or annoyance. Here's one.

Alan Jackson Seeks Embarrassing Dud for Next Album

Originally posted on Country California, Tuesday, January 05, 2010

As lead single "It's Just That Way" hits select radio stations, Alan Jackson has made an open call for a particular song type to fill out the track listing on his next studio album.

"Well shucks," said the long tall Georgian, "we were doing a final listen through of all the tracks to determine the song order for the new record and noticed something strange. All the songs were devoid of awkward 'hip' phrases, bad near-rhymes, strange metaphors, dopey technology references and lines that would sound corny or dated by next year. I grabbed Keith (Stegall, his producer) and told him, 'Doggone man, we've gotta open up a slot!'"

To that end, Jackson has announced that single song submissions will be accepted through January 31, 2010 for a possible cut on his late spring release.

"I could write one myself, but I'm a little burned out on songs about not liking to wear sandals and I can't think of any more not-that-clever ways to say I'm a simple man, so I wanted to invite fans and fellow writers to submit their own turds," laughed Jackson. "I don't know, maybe something about that Kenya West fella or something?"

The near-legendary traditionalist country singer has a stellar record of classic songs during his twenty year career, but has made sure to give a little something back to the undiscerning fan on every record.

"You know, Brad Paisley used to put a gospel song on every CD; it was his signature for a while. Well, my signature is one ill-advised, shockingly embarrassing cut per record," explained Jackson, who named "www.memory," "I Still Like Bologna," and "that one about cornbread and chicken" as examples.

A notice posted to Jackson's website offers the following topical suggestions for song entries: wearing a fanny pack, a knee infection, deer hunting as a contrived (PG rated) sexual metaphor, an Alan Jackson Droid app, affection for an old go-cart, weedeating while drunk, and beef jerky.

Dustin Lynch Inducted Into Pro Football Hall of Fame

Despite never having playing in the NFL, singer Dustin Lynch was recently inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Lynch smartly donned his gold jacket and ring at the enshrinement ceremony and gave a rousing acceptance speech.

"It is such a great honor to stand alongside the giants of this sport I wasn't involved with and walk in the shadows of the legends." said Lynch, beaming his million dollar smile. "Jerry Rice, Joe Montana, Lawrence Taylor… I can't believe my name and bust will be displayed in the company of such unforgettable talent. I may not have ever thrown a pass, participated in a single training camp, or even held that wire water tray thingie, but I gladly accept this completely unjustifiable recognition." 

Attendees of the ceremony looked befuddled, but remained respectful as Lynch thanked all the people who hadn't helped him become a renowned football player. Randy Moss and Brian Urlacher cast confused glances at one another repeatedly through the speech, while Brian Dawkins kept shrugging and rolling his eyes. 

Though Lynch has not laced up football pants since the 8th grade, the Hall of Fame believed him worthy for reasons unbeknownst to anyone but the board. Dustin's career football stats as a middle school running back were rather subpar. He boasted 204 total yards on 94 carries, one touchdown, and seven fumbles. 

Still, Lynch feels he will be a valuable asset to the Hall. "I have strong appeal with young women and teen girls, so I hope to bring more eyes to this great sport that I never took part in." he told us. 

Lynch was recently asked to become a member of the Grand Ole Opry, Nashville's hallowed hall of country music, despite being a pop singer, so gaining undeserved honors seems to be his thing. 

Terrell Owens had no comment on Lynch's induction.

Americana Festival Smells Like Wet Dog

Some attendees of the Pale Skies Americana Festival in Whitesburg, TN have complained of a strong odor in the air. There are no reports of any sort of leaks in the area, and the EPA has given an all-clear on the air quality, yet the foulness persists. 

The smell has been described as that of a wet dog, or hot dog water. Most festival goers seem oblivious to it, but 10-20 attendees and several vendors have sought attention in the medical tent for respiratory issues. 

Jalen Johnson of Nashville described the smell as "mayonnaise mixed with moldy oatmeal." "I'm pretty used to it - I go to Belmont and it smells like that all the time." said Johnson, "Only thing I don't like here is the food choices - it's all unseasoned chicken and mashed potatoes and Greek yogurt. What is that?" 

As Old Crow Medicine Show began their set on Thursday evening, several people were overcome by the fumes. Amidst a throng of Birkenstock clad fans clapping on 1s and 3s, one young woman passed out into a pile of Starbucks cups. Another man said he had to get oxygen after the combination of the smell of bologna and the constant chanting of "Wagon Wheel!" got him extremely light-headed.

Alecia Sykes of Knoxville had to go lay in her car when a cloud of vape smoke and the overwhelming reek of old cheese and tomato gravy left her with a raging migraine. "It sucks because I was having a great time with Kayleeigh, Baylyy, Lynnseigh, and Chad."

Dan + Shay Arrested After Massive Bar Brawl

Hit pop-country duo Dan + Shay spent Thursday night in the clink after a violent fight at a Detroit Lakes, MN bar. The group's management declined to bail them out until this morning because, according to inside sources, "they refused our suggestion that they not go in there and get into trouble." 

At least 5 people were treated for injuries onsite and 1 went to the hospital after the massive brawl. Dan Smyers and Shay Mooney both declined treatment for minor facial bruises.

Dan and Shay had just played the WE Fest country music festival and were headed to their next stop, when the two pleaded with their driver to stop at Bunghole Pete's. Against the wishes of their management and the stern warnings of their band and crew (who were too scared to enter the sketchy dive), the two piled off the bus for a few cold ones. 

One witness, Karl Heidenreich, said that as soon as the pair grabbed a spot at the bar, guys in the establishment were wolf-whistling them and throwing peanuts in their direction. "They was wee tiny little fellas." said Karl, "And they was dressed like Scottish golf instructors… we don't get their kind in Pete's very often." 

Karl says a large biker from the Hellstrykers MC walked up to Mooney and said he was cute and asked him for a date. "I say live and let live, but them bikers thought those two was [sways hand back and forth] or whatever." Karl went on, "I didn't think it was real nice to pick at 'em, but then, I didn't think them little Smurf looking boys ought to have come in here either."

What happened next shocked Karl, and ended with Smyers and Mooney spending the night on cots at the Detroit Lakes city jail. 

"That adorable little man had that huge biker on the floor in a triangle choke before I could exhale my Black & Mild." laughed Heidenreich. "Another Stryker I know named Bukk Jameson tried to punch (Smyers) and ended up with a glass ashtray across his teeth. Them kids could go, man!"

Bartender Max Umbridge described the rest of the wild scene, telling us nearly $7,000 dollars damage was done to Bunghole Pete's. "The short one, wait they's both short I think… anyway, he put Bukk through a table with a modified powerbomb, and all hell broke loose." said Umbridge.

Fists flew for nearly 20 minutes. One man suffered a broken leg when Mooney applied the Texas cloverleaf on top of a pool table. Another was beaten unconscious in the ladies room by Smyers before the cops finally arrived. 

Dan and Shay are due in court next week for a preliminary hearing on charges of disorderly conduct, property damage, and mayhem. The Hellstrykers declined to press their own charges and, in fact, that's a made up name, because the actual M.C. said FTM was not to use their actual names under threat of violence because they were so embarrassed.

At press time, Dan + Shay was headed to Maryland Heights, MO for the next show on their tour supporting Rascal Flatts.

The Crud Report: August 2018

Music Snob Decides Music is Just Too Mainstream

Local music snob Edward Nickels has come to the realization that music is just too mainstream for him. After years of increasingly obscure taste in tunes, he finds that nothing rises to his preferred level of weird and unlistenable anymore.

"I just find it so passé." Edward told us, "The combining of sounds to produce harmony and form? I mean, other people find enjoyment in that sort of thing." Nickels explained his progression from enjoying pop music as a child, to indie rock as a teen, alt-country and drone metal in college, and on to even more unconventional genres in later life.

"I discovered the indie-post-metal-spoon-jazz scene in Austin and that was great for a while." explained Nickels, "All eight of us were really into it, but once Jerry brought two more friends to a show, I was over it." He says he then moved on to "glump," a genre where the artists engage in rhythmic pillow fights: "That was cool until somebody started a blog about it."

Edward bemoaned the lack of experimentation and uniqueness in modern-day music. "Everything is just so boring." he carped, "Chord progressions and melodies are so quotidian. Aural indulgence has become so plebeian." 

"Guys my age are all into stuff like Jason Isbell or Kendrick Lamar - I mean can you imagine?" laughed Nickels. "It's just embarrassing to react on an emotional level to sounds and words put together in 'pleasing' arrangements." 

At press time, Edward said he was exploring the "clatter" genre - people just throwing pans and hammers and stuff against walls - to see if there was still any feeling of desire left in him for auditory sensation.