Giant Novelty Check Printer Shutdown Slows Country Singer Charitable Donations

Country singer charitable donations have slowed to a dribble in Nashville, possibly due to the closure of Progressive Printing. The company, who specialized in oversize novelty checks mounted on corrugated plastic or cardboard, was bought out by Exacraft Mail and Print Solutions in Brentwood and will be combined into that location in a few weeks. 

In the meantime, hospitals, homeless shelters, and other funds have seen sizable drops in their contributions. Charles Jones of "Toothbrushes for Arkansas" told us he expects donations to be down by 34% when figures come out in August. "It's the damnest thing," said Jones. "I can't for the life of me figure out the connection between our drop-off and the lack of photo-op-ready, comically large, not actually cashable checks."

Usually, somewhere between $900,000 and $3 million dollars are collected and given to nonprofit organizations by country music superstars during the months of June-August. Charity softball games, bake sales, and charity-specific concerts have been non-existent this summer. Some say the shortage of the showy, symbolic checks is to blame. 

"I've seen some social media posts saying that country singers won't give a dime to a relief center if there's not a camera on them," related Cherry Givens of "Kane Brown Fans Literacy Fund." "But I'm not that cynical… can you imagine?"

John Reynolds, COO of "Guns for the Incarcerated" suggests country singers order their preposterously gigantic, camera-friendly checks from Amazon until Exacraft's check printing service is up and running. 

Mainstream Country Station Accidentally Plays Good Song

Note: This story was blatantly ripped off from Babylon Bee and adapted for country radio.

SOUTHAVEN, MS—Representatives for local mainstream country radio station WFNN 99.1 "Mighty Fine Ninety-Nine" issued an official apology Thursday morning after accidentally playing a good song on their station. An employee error reportedly caused the not awful song to be played in full.

“There’s no excuse, and we apologize,” a station representative said. “We meant to play another vapid pop song with a fiddle hidden in there so deep you'd need a stethoscope to hear it, and somehow a song with deep themes, country instrumentation, and solid musical execution just was slipped into the queue by a now former employee.”

Horrified listeners reportedly phoned in poorly though-out and nearly incomprehensible complaints throughout the morning.

“I relies on Mighty Fine 99 to play Luke Bryan at least twice hourly so I can make it through my hard morning of posting Alex Jones videos and racist memes on Facebook,” one local woman told reporters. “And they p**sed me off... because of that twangy noise song, they only played Luke eleventeen times today. I'm switching over to Bro-Country 102 if this s**t continues.”

"I accidentally heard a steel guitar and felt an emotion, despite being on high doses of feeling reducer pills," said Jonny Latham of Olive Branch. "That Stapleton dude sang a few three syllable words and made me feels intelligently inadequate." 

The network’s leadership assured its disgruntled listener base it wouldn’t happen again.

“I’ve personally gone in and purged every Miranda Lambert, Jon Pardi, and Chris Stapleton song from our system and instructed our content managers to only play mind-numbing, formulaic hits based on our data metrics going forward,” 99.1's program director said. “And as a special thank you to listeners for sticking with us, I’m happy to announce we’ll be playing only "Downtown's Dead" and "Heaven" for six straight hours Sunday afternoon." 

The Crud Report: July '18

Kane Brown Concert Devolves Into Near Anarchy

A Thursday night of fun and music descended into chaos, crime, and confusion. Country singer Kane Brown's show was cancelled shortly into the fifth song due to excessive injuries, arrests, and general mayhem.

The problems started before the gates to the Sunnyland Amphitheater even opened. 38 fender-benders were reported in and around the parking areas for the venue. Many concert-goers simply left their crashed vehicles and went to stand in line. One man drove his truck over a fire hydrant, parked, and got out, not even noticing the cartoonish spray of water shooting out from under his F-150. 

The line to enter the facility was also the scene of its own maladies. Police reported arresting 312 people there on drug related charges. Most of those arrested were witnessed in the midst of drug deals in plain view of security. One woman had even set up a makeshift crystal meth booth.

Once the gates opened, the actual ticket line fell victim to a comedy of errors. One man was stopped trying to smuggle in a case of beer under his rather large stomach. Ticket takers reported "hand drawn tickets," tickets from previous shows, and Chuck-E Cheese menus presented for entry. It took around 2 hours to get actual ticket buyers into their seats, pushing back the show start time. 

Several "pro wrestling style" fights broke out as Brown took the stage, leading to several more attendees taken into custody. Kane laughed off the early rowdiness, telling the crowd "You guys are lit tonight! This place is fire!" Some apparently took him literally, as a grass fire began to rage on the amphitheater's lawn seating area. The situation was worsened by fans' attempts to douse the fire with their mixed drinks. Several minor burns and smoke inhalation injuries were reported and the show was continued after a 45 minute delay. 

The final straw was when Kane told the audience to "throw your hands in the air!" Several prosthetic hands and arms were hurled skyward, causing all manner of contusions and concussions upon their descent. This led to several more violent skirmishes. One woman was "pile-drived" onto a stack of folding chairs, leading security to finally and mercifully shut down the concert. 

All in all, there were 602 arrests, 97 injuries, and nearly $800,000 damage to Sunnyland Amphitheater. Kane Brown could not be reached for comment. Sunnyland Mayor Charles Rickles would only shake his head and tell us "These folks are really, really stupid."

©2018 FFNN (Farce Fake News Network)

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in Folk Music

Some would imagine that the quaint, earnest folk music scene would not be as likely to contain divas and d-bags as the more mainstream genres of music. They'd be wrong. Here are some of the genre's most egregious offenders.

10. Joni Mitchell

Has said Counting Crows cover of "Big Yellow Taxi" is far better than her original.

Before retiring from touring, only played Rascal Flatts songs over the monitors before shows.

9. Hozier

Refuses to play "Take Me to Church" in concert.

Blocks anyone who complains about it on social media.

8. Tracy Chapman

Refuses to play "Fast Car" in concert. 

Only plays "Give Me One Reason" 'in the style of Post Malone.'

7. Bon Iver

Won't apologize for being the godfather of modern hipsterism.

Drives a jacked up Hummer with a Salt Life sticker on the back.

6. Wesley Schultz (The Lumineers)

Constantly rails on millennials despite being one.

Uber driver on the side; car smells like sweaty leather.

Makes fake business cards with different names but his phone number to drop in those "win free lunch" fishbowls.

5. Skyler Skjelset (Fleet Foxes)

Writes shitty pop-country under the pen name Chris DeStefano.

Listens to hick-hop albums loudly on the tour bus.

Slaps people with a fencing glove if they misspell his last name.

4. Damien Rice

Speaks in an unintelligibly thick Irish accent at meet and greets so fans will move along quickly.

Next album will be entirely dirge-style Neil Diamond covers.

Tour rider calls for only "mass-produced light American lagers" to piss off his band.

3. Emmylou Harris

Thought Gram Parsons was a "pretentious dickhead hack" but he paid well. 

Litters.

At shows, she has any fans wearing tennis shoes violently removed and humiliated.

2. Scott Avett (The Avett Brothers)

Wears sweat pants to strip clubs.

Drives with his brights on in fog.

Lays five dollars on the table at restaurants and takes one away for every slight error the server makes. 

Leaves his spit cup in the cup-holder at the movie theater. 

1. Father John Misty

Oh wait… this list is supposed to be satirical.

-------

*this is, of course, fake news*

Keith Urban Vandalizes Country Music Hall of Fame

Country music superstar Keith Urban was arrested Thursday for causing nearly two million dollars worth of damage at Nashville's Country Music Hall of Fame. Urban, 50,  was booked on charges of felony vandalism, trespassing, and destruction of property. He was released after posting $250,000 bail. A court hearing is scheduled for June 20.

Witnesses say they were surprised to see Urban strolling through the facility alone. That wasn't the strangest thing they'd see. "A few people immediately recognized him and were crowding around for autographs," said museum guest Carl Jenkins. "I thought it was weird he was out in public without security… and he was wearing this big whop-sided backpack with box-cutters and stuff falling out of it."

Carl said Urban took a ball-peen hammer from his pack and asked the surrounding crowd to please excuse him. "He climbed over the barrier and smashed the shit out of Hank Williams Sr's guitar," said Jenkins. "It was crazy, there wasn't nothing left but wire and sawdust when he was through."

Urban then defaced at least 15 of the bas relief Hall of Fame member plaques, including Fred Rose, Tammy Wynette, and Don Schlitz, spray painting such things as phalluses and the word "fart" across them. He also sprayed deer scent all over the iconic "Will the Circle Be Unbroken" inscription with a Super Soaker water gun. 

Before leaving the Hall, Urban also hurled DeFord Bailey's harmonica down a hallway, poured a kale smoothie on several Nudie suits, and cut all the fringe off one of Patsy Cline's outfits. 

Museum staff and security never intervened during Urban's rampage because they thought he was just 'pushing the boundaries of his art or filming a prank show or something.' When all was said and done, however, the Kiwi country guitar slinger had caused real and lasting damage on country's hallowed halls. Urban was taken into custody without incident at his home later that evening. 

While neither Urban nor his wife Nicole Kidman could be reached for comment, Keith's manager told us he doesn't expect Keith's reputation or career to take a hit over the situation because he's very handsome and such a good guitar player.

The Crud Report: June 2018

Florida-Georgia Line Fans Upset Over Band's New Direction

"TF is this?? Old crusty ass 40 year old man music?" asked a furious Lindseigh Locklin on her Twitter account. What she was referring to was the embedded Spotify link to Florida-Georgia Line's newest single "Simple." "Really disappointed N FGL RN" continued Locklin. "They shud no we like them BC we DONT like old timey country music like they're new song." [sic]

Lindseigh's isn't just an outlier of an opinion either. "Simple" is ruffling feathers all over the FGL fandom. 

A public Facebook post from Coreigh Akers of Popknot, GA expressed similar concerns:

Have you guy's heard FGL's new song "Simple? I don't know what to think yet. I wanna like it because its them but where are the beats? And why does it sound old …like something from 1998 or something? If I wanted to listen to Randy Travers or Mark Chestnuts, I'd get a dusty ass CD out my parents' room. Why are FGL selling out like this?????"

While it's early to say whether or not the new "old crusty ass 40 year old man music" direction will hurt album or ticket sales, it seems clear that the act's younger fans aren't particularly pleased. One college-aged man has even started a Facebook page called "Bring Back the Party, FGL." 

Jason "Broseph" Parks, in the mission statement of the page, which boasts 324 dissatisfied fans (and is growing by the day), says the following:

We our the true fans of Forlida-Georgia Line and we ain't gone a take it any more. We come here to party and too drink beer and not to listen too are grand parent's music. We hearby are telling Tyler and Brian to BRING BACK THE DAMN PARTY! We won't country rap and cool sound effects and music we can dance with hotties too! If your in agreement with me, join up!

At press time, it still wasn't clear whether the unhappy FGL fans had heard the duo's other new song "Colorado." 

New Americana Band More Authentic Than That One You Like

Brand new Americana act Roustabouts in Bowties is taking the roots music revival to new levels with their upcoming debut album release and supporting tour. Bolstered by first single, the rustic fiddle ballad "Ye Art a Fine Lass," the 7-piece act will hit the road in July to promote their self-produced, self-released, self-designed, self-printed, self-promoted, self-packaged, self-shipped debut Claptrap Monkeyshines. 

Recorded in an abandoned Alberta dogtrot, Claptrap Monkeyshines boasts 10 original songs and a cover of a song from a 1932 field recording of a nameless jug band. Penned by lead vocalist Bjorn Blacklung, the original tunes span the tempos from dirge-like to lullaby. 

"We want to be the most authentic band to ever exist," smiled Blacklung, through a blue haze of corncob pipe smoke. "It isn't enough to never groom our beards, to farm the cotton that makes our hand-stitched extra stiff denim clothes, spend 3 years learning to duplicate records at home, and take our inner sleeve photos with a vintage tin-type, we must live the life." 

Leaving their Montana wilderness shack collective for the first time in ages to tour "the great expanse" as they call it, the Roustabouts will play 36 cities over the next 3 years (they're going on horseback). Lead musical saw player Mose Dustworth tells us he most looks forward to taking a break from splitting wood and watching for grizzly bears for a nice long spell.

While the Roustabouts' aesthetic is bucolic, the actual release will come in multiple formats, including high fidelity wav files, phonograph cylinders, and cassette tapes dubbed on their own 1989 RCA home stereo. It will also be available on 380g sawdust tan vinyl that doubles as a frisbee for disc golf. The band cautions that when using the record in disc golf competition, that all other players be out of the line of fire. The band is not responsible for injuries or deaths caused by thrown copies of Claptrap Monkeyshines. 

Third Date Trip to FGL House a Real Red Flag

Kayla Marks recently tried online dating for the first time, and it was going well so far. Was. The first date with Steven was surprisingly fun, just dinner and a movie and a peck on the cheek goodnight. The second date was a bar crawl with another couple, and it was silly and memorable.

Steven had seemed like a potential long-term interest. He was attractive, funny, had a good job, sensible car, good taste in movies, and seemed well-read. But this. This was a problem.

Sitting at the lower bar of the FGL House, waiting on a table, while "This is How We Roll" boomed from the speakers overhead and way too much neon stirred the opening pangs of a headache, Kayla saw a red flag. And then another. And then another. 

While she put on a happy front, her head was full of concerns.

"We live in the area, we're not tourists; why would we go here?"

"Do these damn bachelorettes have to holler so much?"

"Does he like Florida-Georgia Line? Ew."

"He's scarfing down those jalapeno poppers like a caveman."

"Glad I'm not paying. $15 for a cocktail?"

"Did he really just say he hasn't called his mom in weeks?"

"Damn it, Maddessyn, we get it… the penis shaped balloon your maid of honor just put on your head is hilarious. Shut up already!"

And it didn't stop there. Suddenly Kayla was seeing every flaw and downplaying every strength she'd seen in Steven. 

Yeah his job was pretty good, but he worked for his dad, selling toilet parts. Toilet parts?

The perfect teeth? Maybe he was one of those people who organizes his socks.

And he said he reads a lot. I'm guessing Maxim. Does that still exist?

And why hadn't he talked to his mom since April? Does she also hate his taste in music?

She'd overlooked the fact that he'd had pop country playing in the car on all three dates. She figured it was just habit, or that he'd just left it on there as background noise, but now she knew the cold hard truth. He actually enjoyed the mindless, sexist, cookie-cutter drivel. And if so, Steven must surely have other disagreeable characteristics. 

Suddenly her deep thoughts were interrupted by Steven loudly rapping along with the Future song now playing, then, "Hey our table's ready… I got us some Fireball shooters." 

Kayla sighed. "Steven, we need to talk…"

90s Country Star Comes to the Defense of Modern Country

Amid a steady barrage of elder country singers' complaints about the authenticity of modern country music, 90s star Brad Lee Peterson has come to its defense. 

"Johnny Lee and Travis Tritt and all these other old dudes are just salty and washed" said Peterson. "Man, I like to get crunk to some Sam Hunt and Kane Brown, my dudes. Go drink some Ensure and let the rest of us enjoy how country music has evolved, bro." 

Peterson, the singer of such 1990s favorites as "Hilfiger Cowboy" and "She Don't Blow Up My Pager Anymore" says he understands where the discord comes from, but that country music is in good hands with such artists as Bebe Rexha and Jordan Davis. 

"All this shade throwing comes from a place of jealousy. Jealousy that they aren't getting the airplay anymore." Peterson laughed. "Look in the mirror son, y'all ain't poppin' anymore - old get off my lawn head ass crackers."

"Luke Bryan is really where things started getting better and Florida-Georgia Line just got it lit to another level!" smiled Peterson. "Country music is whatever country radio tells us we should love - they know what they're doing. They knew when they made (Peterson's only #1) "Party Up in My Lowered Truck" a smash hit in '93 and they know now." 

The debate between country traditionalists and progressives has hit several peaks in recent years. Bro-country was extremely divisive and the current trend of R&B flavored music on country radio has raised the ire still higher. Peterson, for his part, thinks it's all overblown: "It goes in cycles - it'll come back around to more classic-sounding country like Rascal Flatts or Shania Twain - then it'll jump out of the box again and do something like mumble-country… but the wheel always turns." 

At press time, Brad Lee Peterson was preparing to release his comeback single "Hashtag Fire (ft. Post Malone)."

The Crud Report: May '18

The Crud Report: April 2018

Little Known Artist Somehow Scores #1 Country Hit

A singer virtually no one in mainstream country radio's target demographic has even heard of scored his first #1 song this week. The bearded, nearly middle-aged man has made waves in recent years selling truckloads in the archaic "album" format, but until this year had made little impact on radio.

This sketchy character once sang backup for Justin Timberlake on the 2015 CMA Awards, earning high praise from pretentious critics and long-in-the-tooth music fans. He has also sung on a sketch comedy program your parents watch called Saturday Night Live a couple of times. 

The singer has raked in quite a few awards, grabbing ACM, CMA, and Grammy trophies along the way. But, as modern country fans know, awards are irrelevant if they don't go to the artist you were rooting for. Other than those few minor blips, the aging country artist has made little inroads with the listeners who matter. 

Like Cheryl, a young web producer for a major magazine, who recently had a tweet questioning who this man is and why he keeps winning awards. If this hip youth doesn't know who the one-hit wonder is, he clearly must not be any good!

Or Bryce, a "huge country fan" from the Midwest who complained on Facebook about "the old dude" who beat out Thomas Rhett for best album. A chorus line of iHeartRadio's prime quarry chimed in with likes and similar grumblings. If these college bros who clearly love country music don't know the guy, surely this is just a fluke. 

So, nothing to see here.

Now back to your focus group tested, heavily promoted, sonically consistent, regularly scheduled song from Tylerson Davis.

Country Stars Finally Speak Out on Important Issues

Lately, there has been a lot of consternation toward the unwillingness of country music's biggest stars to speak out on the important issues facing Americans these days. Topics like guns, immigration, and President Trump seem completely off limits to the upper echelon of Music Row's top acts. Somehow, we got them to go on record with us about the hot-button topics of the day.

The Crud Report: March 2018

Dad Was Under The Impression There'd Be Country Music

Dad Mark Benson, 47, of Taylortown, Louisiana took his daughter and two of her friends to a concert at the Bossier City Centurylink Center assuming there'd be country music. After all, the main guy was wearing a cowboy hat on the poster, and the two opening acts had the same last names as people from his church. And the local radio station had promoted "One Big Night of Country" for the last 2 months, but so far Mr. Benson had heard nary a note of country.

Clad in camo cargo shorts, a Flori-Bama t-shirt, and white & red New Balance shoes, Mark stood incredulous at the barrage of beats and other sounds which couldn't possibly have come from the guys holding instruments on stage. The performers pranced around the stage exhorting the audience to "keep it lit" and "put your drinks in the air" while mumble-singing mid-tempo pop songs that all seemed to run together. 

Besides a couple of drawled phrases and constant references to beer, there was nothing in the first hour and a half of the show that might have indicated what genre of music these singers claimed to be. He's pretty sure he's heard that song from the one guy about "leaving the bar with me" on the country station, or maybe the one from that other guy about "leaving the bar with her," but he wouldn't put money on either one.

Now, 4 songs into the headliner, Mark and other goatee-having fathers are glancing at each other with confused looks. The tall, handsome singer seems like a nice young fellow, but he's yet to twang a note. There's no steel guitar on the stage. There's no fiddle player. There's no banjo. There haven't been any cheating songs. 

"Get off my lawn" and "music was better back in my day" swirl through Mark's head, but he doesn't dare utter those phrases into existence. His daughter and friends seem to be having fun watching the show through their phone screens and he's into his 6th Fat Tire tallboy, so things could be worse. 

No wait, the headliner is rapping now.

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in Americana Music

Some would imagine that the fan-friendly, honest Americana music scene would not be as likely to contain divas and d-bags as the more mainstream genres of music. However, thanks to critic and hipster love for the buzzworthy genre, things have changed of late. This groundswell has slowly created a context wherein all manner of unlikely aspirants are more apt to let their jerk flag fly. Here are some of the genre's most egregious offenders.

10. Brent Cobb

"Forgets" to invite cousin Dave to family functions

Band members only allowed to speak to him by text message

9. Rhiannon Giddens

Borrows band members' phones and logs out of everything

Once put a fan who accidentally called her 'Rihanna' in a triangle choke submission hold

8. Amanda Shires

Wouldn't speak to husband, Jason, for a month when he opposed the name "Taco Lucinda" for their daughter

Performed an entire show of Rob Thomas covers when one crowd was smaller than anticipated

7. Rob Baird

Always eats the middle cinnamon roll out of the pan first

Spends hours a day leaving 1 star iTunes reviews on other Americana artists

Will only autograph thongs

6. Shooter Jennings

Puffs, doesn't pass

Got a secret tip and sold all his Bitcoin to Marilyn Manson just before Bitcoin crashed

Plans to do an all-EDM tour later this year

5. Ward Davis

Secretly bullies Cody Jinks

Still says "Dilly Dilly!"

Keeps telling everybody new music is coming "soon" but it never does

4. Holly Williams

First person to ingest a Tide Pod on video

Can only name 3 Hank Sr. songs

Drives 10 mph below speed limit in left lane

3. Drew Kennedy

Never cleans stations in the gym after using them

Doesn't wash out the sink after beard grooming

Tour rider includes "organic kale candy" and "fitted hemp Phillies cap"

2. Courtney Patton

Spreads rumors about Jamie Lin Wilson on Snapchat

Tells dirty jokes at funerals

Vapes dill pickle flavor at songwriting sessions

1. Paul Thorn

Does the old "replace the vodka with water" trick on his tour bus

Constantly reminds fans he used to be a boxer

Never plays his top 5 songs on Spotify in concert

Always has a few credit card skimmers on hand

Zac Brown Unveils New Rap Persona "Lil Beanie"

Zac Brown's seemingly insatiable desire to record and release music in every existing genre took its next logical step this week as he unveiled yet another side project, the mumble rap artist Lil Beanie. Signed to Zac's own Southern Ground label, Beanie (Brown himself, with fake face tattoos and a wig) is currently prepping the release of his debut single "Marching Powder." 

The song, a not even slightly veiled ode to selling copious amounts of cocaine, is a mid-tempo track that bounces along on a slick electronic beat with Beanie's sparse lyrics peppered across the composition. The chorus simply repeats "marchin' powda" 25 times, but Lil assures us this is how hip-hop is done nowadays. 

Beanie's first album, Mean Streetz of Lumpkin, is set to drop in late summer, with opening dates on the Zac Brown tour to support the record. 

"Yo, I'm just so excited to get this opportunity to open for Zac,  ya heard?" stated Mr. Beanie. "It gone be lit and I'mma give 'em my 100 every night."

Brown's other side project, Sir Rosevelt, will also play each of the ZBB dates. That act's single "Something Bout You" is going for adds at country radio despite clearly being not a country song. Whether Beanie's music will be released to country radio is "up in the air" (meaning: yes, it definitely will). 

At press time, Zac Brown had announced auditions for yet another another side project, the death metal outfit Deérguts.

The Crud Report: February '18

*fake news*