FGL House Now a Spirit Halloween

Nashville residents may recognize a familiar face in an unfamiliar place this week. Spirit Halloween, the spooky holiday’s most famous franchise, opens up shop in the former FGL House Friday, though some of the accoutrements of the former bro-country bar still remain. 

“We didn’t have to do a lot, the place is already pretty terrifying,” laughed franchise owner Sparky Suggs. “The moose head, the antique light fixtures, the haunting scent of Axe, the ghosts of hookups past… all we had to do was add the Halloween products.”

The 4-story brick building in Sobro has been the home of boozy duo Florida-Georgia Line’s branded bar and grill for the past several years, but no more. The duo recently began what they’re calling a hiatus, but which everyone else sees as the end of the formerly popular “butt rock of country” act. The immediate closure and sale of the building seems to lend credence to this opinion. 

“We come up from Cumming just to go to the FGL House and bout sh** ourselves. It’s a damn Halloween store now?” complained tourist Kelly Patridge. “We got one of them in the old co-op, I coulda stayed my ass home.”

Suggs certainly understands the concerns over the sudden shift, but he hopes many of the mullet-headed or tube-top-wearing FGL fans who show up will stick around and grab an LED dancing zombie or a sexy Fireball bottle costume. “You’re already here, so you might as well pick up some crap you needed for Halloween anyway,” laughed Suggs. 

One drunken customer didn’t seem to notice the change and was seated at one of the bars (now a booth for custom airbrushed trick or treat bags) trying to order a Jagerbomb from the confused artist. “He’ll figure it out eventually,” said Suggs, shaking his head.

At press time, Brian Kelley was sneaking in to retrieve his Kid Rock autographed beer bong he left in a storage closet.

California to Ban Country Songs about Gas Powered Trucks by 2024

Governor Gavin Newsom today announced that he will aggressively move the state away from its enjoyment of pop-country songs about gas-fueled pickup trucks. He issued an executive order requiring all new pop-country songs about vehicles, especially trucks, to explicitly mention that they are zero emission after 2024. 

The entertainment industry (including music) is responsible for more than 7% of all of California’s carbon pollution, all while jacked-up, coal rolling, nut-swinging pickup trucks continue to spew toxicity into the atmosphere. 

“We simply can’t have all these catchy, vibe-filled, vaguely country songs glorifying using these beasts for ‘fun’ when they are literally responsible for Donald Trump, I mean, pollution.” said Newsom in a prepared statement for the press. “Therefore, we are directing record labels not to promote songs about feet on a dashboard, or having CIS white sex under the stars in a truck bed, or mudding in a pasture with a beer in the cupholder without letting the listener know that the vehicle is an EV.”

He went on to lament the irresponsibility of Nashville in idolizing such vehicular monstrosities. “I listened to Cali Country Y102 today for an hour, and literally every song had a truck in it,” Newsom continued. “Just think of the good we could do if all 15 of those songs replaced ‘F-150’ or ‘Silverado’ with ‘Lightning’ or ‘Endurance;’ every mullet-headed white boy in community college would suddenly think it was cool that Morgan Wallen got busy in a Rivian, or whatever.”

Free speech advocates have threatened legal action following the executive order. “While we also cringe at songs with dudes talk-singing in a southern accent about cruising for women in their squatted 70,000 dollar pickup trucks their dad bought them, this is certainly unconstitutional grounds the governor is walking on,” said Jenni Perkins, a spokesperson for the ACLU. “We will be strange bedfellows with the republican bros for once, it appears. Yee Yee!, or whatever they say.” 

California will be leading the nation in this effort, in hopes of removing garbage from both the environment and the airwaves. 

At press time, many conservative California country fans agreed with the order, but they’d be damned before they ever admitted it. 

More Monday Memes: Charley Crockett, Hank Jr., Florida-Georgia Line

The Crud Report September '22, Vol. II

Reginald Spears Memes: FGL, Walker Hayes, Morgan Wallen

 

This Guy Honors Florida-Georgia Line’s Legacy

Well, I can’t belief it but it has finally come. The day what I never imagined… Florida-Georgia Line’s last concert has happened. They have said their just taking a break but that’s what my ex-wife said too and that bitch is living in Gwata malla or something.

Any way, we’re hear to honor the glorious career of Florida-Georgia Line, the greatest country band in history! They paved the way for country music to not be lame and sad like it used to be and opened doors for awesome singers like Walker Hayes, Mitchell Ten Penny, and Morgan Walling. I can’t thank them enough for making country music great again.

Man, all the times I macked on honeys at a bar while “Cruise” was playing. They new I was a man of distinct coolness when I new every word! I’d take em back on a back road in my lifted Raptor and give em the disappointment of their lifes, but hell their’s more fish in the sea.

Me and my boys did many a keg stand listening to “This is How We Roll” and then we went out for a drive and listened too it some more and threw stuff at signs. Those were the days!

Now, FGL has a lot of critics, so let’s be honest. Were they the best singers? Probably just top 5 all time in that cat a gory. Were they the best lyric writers? Hell yes. Did there songs kick the most ass? You are motherf***ing right! So suck it critics. This band changed the face of are favorite music for the better so go listen to you’re sad boy American Airconditioner or Taylor Simpson or what ever and let me enjoy my good time classic country from Brian and Tyler!

I’m sad too see them go, but I will always cherish the mammaries. Don’t cry because its over, smile be cause of the good times what was. I wish I had been they're for there last show, but I was their in spirit! I hope the crowd pumped those fists, sang those songs, drank those beers, staired at them girls in cut off shorts. Dam that sounds like heaven. Anyway, thank you FGL for the grate music guys!

Pour out a Fireball for da boyz!

The Crud Report: September 2022

 

Band Plays Pop-Country Pre-Show Music So They’ll Sound Good in Comparison

King Planter, a subpar to average roots rock band out of Alabama has an interesting method for making their fans believe them a stronger musical force than they actually are. Instead of the usual Tom Petty, Emmylou Harris, or Waylon Jennings other bands of their ilk might play over the PAs for pre-show music, King Planter plays modern pop-country.

“It works like a charm,” laughed bassist Pete “Pal” Wasserstein. “We irritate the hell out of the fans with 20 minutes of Walker Hayes and Florida-Georgia Line before we come on stage, so that our admittedly ‘just okay’ musicianship and songs blow them away.”

“They were awesome!” said a fan walking out of King Planter’s recent Mobile show. “I don’t know what it was, but their sufficient musical abilities and reasonably passable songwriting just sounded on a whole new level tonight; I don’t know what it was!”

The four-piece update the “Lowered Expectations” Spotify playlist weekly, adding anything that’s the latest snap-beat sappy song hitting the country charts or the most annoying viral country-rap song on TikTok. This week they added David Morris’ “Carrying Your Love,” a rap song which features an interpolation of the similarly named George Strait hit.

“Oh God, they hate it!” laughed vocalist Jay Henderson. “But after that shit, I sound like Otis Redding or Chris Stapleton compared to that dude, when I’m really just a C- on a good night.”

King Planter, who list The Band and David Allan Coe as their primary influences, have failed to catch on in ‘the scene’ in three years of existence. According to the blog Bama Mericana, King Planter “look the part and check off all the requisite topics in their music, but the lyrics can be best described as reasonable and their playing is ehhh… fair to middling. No offense because it pays better than being in a band, but they’ll be hanging sheetrock in 9 months.”

All this might be so, but crowds are growing lately thanks to their unique modus operandi. “Word of mouth, baby!” said an excited Wasserstein, surveying the tens of fans in attendance at their Big Star Tavern show in Montgomery last night.

At press time, King Planter was about 8 months from disbanding.

Parks and Rec Country Reaction Gifs 4

When he says he's seen Florida-Georgia Line in concert one time

Why is Walker Hayes so cringe?

After years of comparing Luke Bryan to toilets and other gross stuff...

When he changes the station from Outlaw XM to The Highway

I don't care if the Zac Brown Band is putting out better music now, after The Owl...

Tell me an underrated Strait song then amble away

Tell me what Sam Hunt music sounds like

The greeting when a female artist does a radio station visit

If Morgan Wallen is playing at an outdoor festival

More Monday Memes: Dwight Yoakam, Turnpike Troubadours, Luke Bryan

Country Twitter FAILS: July '22

*language warning*

I blurred this guy because he has good taste, even if he can't spell

Wrasslin' Country Reaction Gifs #61

Somebody here that I can't see

Jason Aldean arguing with Jason Aldean in the mirror

Hey Kane Brown fans

Your review of Walker Hayes' "Y'all Life," sir?

When Warren Zeiders plays a festival with Turnpike, Cody Jinks, etc.

Facebook followers when I talk shit about Morgan Wallen

If you don't listen to 49 Winchester

The FGL merch booth around 11:15 pm

Going to a country festival for the first time in months and smelling that sweat, mud, fried meats, beer, and weed smoke

What Your Favorite Summer Country Song Says About You

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Dan + Shay “19 + You and Me”

You don’t like country music except Dan + Shay, who are not country. You own 15 personalized tumblers that all smell vaguely of vodka or White Zinfandel. You only have Facebook to post pictures of your 8 yearly vacations.

Alan Jackson “Chattahoochee”

You actually did lose your virginity on a river bank. You like that the mullet came back in fashion. You probably need to start learning about LDL and HDL.

Garth Brooks “That Summer”

You are a horny old widow.

Kid Rock “All Summer Long”

You don’t wash your legs or feet in the shower because “the soap just runs down anyway.” You have some poorly spelled political thoughts you’d like everyone on Facebook to know about. You have a dog named FJB.

Nitty Gritty Dirt Band “Fishin’ in the Dark”

You either think the song is about fishing, or think this is NGDB’s worst song but it’s still the best summer song… there is no in between.

Thomas Rhett “Vacation”

You are theoretical. There is no such person. This song is bad even to people with shitty tastes.

Shooter Jennings “4th of July”

You don’t use the internet. Your work truck smells like Marlboro Reds and pretzels. You hate Democrats, Republicans, and Libertarians equally. 

Deana Carter “Strawberry Wine”

You also lost your virginity on a river bank. You hate that the mullet came back in fashion because it reminds you of your junior year boyfriend who left you for Amanda Sykes. You have kids with a 10 year age gap. You can drink your husband’s friends under the fire pit. 

Clint Black “Summer’s Comin’”

You are a Clint Black stan. You almost drove off the road when they played a Rascal Flatts song on the classic country station. You know what LDL and HDL are. 

FGL “Cruise”

You still have the same truck and the same truck nutz from when this song came out, but there’s a baby seat in the back seat now. You drink exclusively Michelob Ultra. You recently traded in your straight legs for loose fit jeans.