Jul 31, 2015

New Video: Clutch - X-Ray Visions


Lamont Sanford vs. FGL

Our First Adam Hood Meme?

Helpful Tips for Country Music Festival Attendees


 A few helpful tips for enjoying your mainstream country music festival this summer:

• Hydrate before entering concert grounds (that means drink water, Luke Bryan fans)

• Apply 50 SPF or higher sunscreen

• Familiarize yourself with exits - that will come in helpful during the likely riot

• Drink in moderation or pace yourself (Fireball, water, Jager, water, Fireball, water, vomit, repeat)

• Pre-plan meeting places if your group gets split up

• Make sure you have paper or digital ticket ready when waiting in line

• Drive a car to the concert and you'll be able to find it more
quickly after the show because literally everyone else will be in a truck

• Take a self defense course prior to festival

• Never look a bro in the eyes; you could probably kick his ass,
but is he really worth a night in jail?

• Never accept open drinks from strangers

• Wear a knife/bullet-proof vest under your wife-beater

• The only sexual relations that should take place on festival grounds
is you getting screwed out of $7 for a domestic tall boy

• Don't believe she's "on the pill" if you just met her

• The stoner who hugged you during Eric Church's encore
is not your friend; don't loan him twenty bucks

• If you notice that someone has gotten a wallet chain through security, 
avoid them because wallet chains can be used as weapons or means of restraint

• After eating concert vendor fried foods, never trust a fart

• You can buy that $35 t-shirt for $25 on their website

• Men in huge novelty foam cowboy hats are always perverts

• When the riot breaks out, hide in a rolling beer cart - nobody's going to destroy a beer cart

• The sashimi tent is a bad idea

• If some drunk guy looks like he's about to puke, point him toward
the tall guy with the girl on his shoulders who are blocking your view

• Don't video songs - are you seriously going to subject yourself to Tyler Hubbard more than once?

• Don't eat anything you don't want to taste twice

• If someone cuts in line for the port-a-potties, wrap wallet chains around the potty and lock him in

• If he's got a barbed wire tattoo, he's got an STD

• If she's got a tramp stamp, she's probably got a kid your age

• Stop drinking 2 hours before the show's over; is seeing
Chase Rice warble about hotties really worth a f***ing DUI?

• Never yell "come at me bro" because the sheer number of nearby bros
who will think you're talking to them ensures a beatdown

• When leaving the concert, never tell your arresting officer
to "s*** your d***" or that your dad's a lawyer

Jul 27, 2015

YouTube Gems: Rival Sons Cover Creedence

The Truth About Luke


John Rich's Songwriting Tips #75

In this, the 75th(!) edition of Rich's Tips, I'll give my retort to a few bits of stupid advice from other songwriters. I mean, who are you going to listen to? Them (who I won't name so as to not embarrass them, even if they've had lots of success), or yours truly - the crackalackin-cowboy co-writer of such eternal gems as "Comin' to Your City" and "Fake ID?" Alright then. Here we go.

1. There's no right or wrong way to write songs.

JR:
Bullshit! There's a right and a wrong. There's first place and there's losers. This songwriting tip is akin to saying little Johnny deserves a trophy for being on the damn team, even though he can't hit a slider and his throw to the plate is suspect, and his team came in third place. This country's a bunch of whiners and enablers and I'm sick of it. Sit your ass down with just your guitar and a pad …and your 6 best songwriter friends, and write a classic! Don't experiment. Don't f*** around with a proven formula. This ain't Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood and "you being you" don't pay the Audi lease.

2. Write from the heart.

JR:
Again with this sissy crap. Yeah, go ahead… get out your My Little Pony notebook and your gel pens. Sprinkle some potpourri around the room. Turn on some Enya and pour your little feelings out in glittery bits of subpar Dead Poets' Society nonsense. Cry a little while you do it, you little wuss. Now, if you want to make real art, the kind that sells millions and makes drunk b**ches dance, listen to me. Write from the ballsack. That's it.

3. Don't fake it.

JR:
Did Johnny Cash shoot a man in Reno? Hell no! Do I put the moves on college girls in pickup trucks after leaving frat parties? Not that you know of! So let's dispense with this tip quickly. Be as fake as you want. Writing a song isn't the same as giving a legal deposition - which motherf****ers lie on anyway;  I'm here to tell you from experience. Hell, I write rap songs for a certain artist from a country north of here and nobody can even tell. Do I have "beef" with rappers? (Yes, but for purposes of this article:) No. Do I party with scantily clad stoned girls? Well, maybe these aren't the best examples… but you get my drift, Pedro. I've got about as much street cred as Jeb Bush, but I drop them bars like B.I.G. (rest in peace, my homey). So, do what you gotta do, especially if you started from the bottom. Play a part. Lie. Make dem Franklins. I'm out!




*Not actually written by John Rich

Monday Morning Memes: Blake Shelton, Florida Georgia Line


by Jeremy Harris

Jul 25, 2015

Saturday Night Music: Mo Pitney


From the Archives: Country Songwriter Tailgate Magnets

ORIGINALLY POSTED JUL 24, 2013


New in the FTM Store: Country Songwriter Tailgate Magnets

You know those fridge poetry magnets? Well, these are for tailgates... because where else would a current hit-making country songwriter craft a song? Get your ball-capped buddies together and whip up a new summer anthem in no time with these new Country Songwriter Tailgate Poetry Magnets! All magnets not pictured. Only $9.99 in the FTM Store now!* Ships in 6 to infinite days!



*FTM Store exists, but there are no magnets.

Jul 23, 2015

Feel Bad For You Mixtape: July '15


July's FBFY is live and it features tunes from T. Hardy Morris, Cracker, Jason Isbell and more! Download and comment on the mixtape here or stream below.


Remember When: A Depressing Parody Lyric

 
 "Remember When"
(A depressing parody of Alan Jackson's "Remember When")

Remember when songs were sung with words so true
and steel guitars and fiddles were still cool
You could hurt with Patsy Cline
Thumb a ride with Charley Pride
Remember when

Remember when they called the cows
or honky tonked
Broke our hearts, closed the bars, living hard
Waylon and Merle, trains and spurs
Texas boys, Kentucky girls
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new came on
The sound was changed, modernized, rearranged
But even though some shined like stars
They still had country heart
Remember when

Remember when the lure of fame and greed
made the music
Chase the trend of the week
Big pickup trucks, bass and lust
Stole the soul and broke our trust
Remember when

Remember when George Strait was always on
And there was still twang in country songs
But where we are,
From where we've been
Too far to go back again
Remember when

Remember when we knew it'd be okay
And the cycle would turn back someday
But that's all past, pour a glass
Put on some Johnny Cash
And just remember when

The S.S. Douchebag

A Conversation Between Sam Hunt and Luke Bryan

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