Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Dec 17, 2019
Dec 16, 2019
Dec 13, 2019
Santa Requests Voice Messages in Lieu of Letters from Kane Brown Fans
Kris Kringle, aka Santa Claus, usually stays out of the public eye, rarely granting interviews or making public statements. Sure, his legion of helpers is out in force this time of year, taking Christmas requests in mall courtyards and smiling with crying kids on their laps, but the man himself is busy and reclusive. Therefore, his press release this year came as quite a surprise.
We won’t post the release, but the gist of it was Santa asking Kane Brown fans to leave a voice mail of their Christmas desires rather than send letters this year. His message was direct but polite, never giving the specific reasoning behind his request, only that “these old eyes have a little trouble reading your writing.”
However, we’ve received word from an inside source that Santa’s missive was related to the undecipherable nature of the letters he received from members of the fanbase in recent years. “They looked like they were written by cavemen,” said an anonymous North Pole worker who asked us to refer to him as Toony. “Santa was all understanding and diplomatic like some fat Mr. Rogers, but I’m just gonna say those people are stupid as hell.”
Toony sent a jpeg of one letter that started “Deer Satan” written in hunting face-paint on a paper towel. Though the rest of the note was difficult to translate, it appeared the young man wanted either the game Modern Warfare or something to do with ‘model whores.’ Either request seems just as likely.
“Last year we just gave them all non-gender specific clothing and gift cards to save time because 90% of them were just scribbles and gibberish,” said Toony. “And a surprising amount of them came from prisons, or maybe not that surprising now that I’m thinking about it.”
Toony told us the voice messaging option was going fairly well so far, mostly thanks to technology. An AI listening system has been installed to take the calls and is doing an impressive job translating the yawps and grunts of the Kane Brown fans into gift requests, but he says the letters are still a running joke at Santa’s toy shop, passed around frequently by the elves.
“One of them was clearly written in sidewalk chalk on the inside of a Playboy magazine cover,” laughed Toony. “It was obviously smeared beyond readability, but I did make out something about ‘booty shorts’…ho ho ho indeed.”
Dec 12, 2019
A (Sad) Christmas Story
*yeah, I know he liked Jason Isbell in another old meme - the Farce the Music Cinematic Universe has no continuity*
The Grinch Country Reaction Gifs
When I listen to Hank 3
When I find out a DJ is opening the country concert
Do you want to listen to Mitchell Tenpenny's Christmas songs?
"Hey, I've got an extra ticket to the Thomas Rhett sho..."
When I first heard Chris Stapleton
Mainstream country radio be like...
Looking at the country chart... FGL, Rhett, Kane Brown...
♪ Merry Christmas from the family ♪
Dec 11, 2019
What Your Favorite Album of 2019 Says About You 2
Zac Brown Band - The Owl
You tell everybody you like everything Zac Brown puts out no matter how he experiments, but in secret, you think this sucks.
Beyonce - Homecoming: The Live Album
You will taunt, threaten, curse, dox, and possibly inflict bodily harm upon anyone who says anything negative about this album, but otherwise you’re pretty nice.
Highwomen - s/t
You’re a strong, beautiful, independent woman and so is your significant other.
FGL - Can’t Say I Ain’t Country
You have a jacked up truck with exhaust stacks, fight with your girlfriend in public, and are drunk right now. Dad says your seventh year of community college is your last, graduation or not.
Maren Morris - Girl
You can’t get into the Highwomen album because it’s too country. You use way too many hashtags on Instagram.
Tyler Childers - Country Squire
You have a homemade bootleg live version of the album that’s “way better.” You sold a car out of your front yard for parts to get tickets to Sturgill and Tyler next year.
Puddle of Mudd - Welcome to Galvania
Wait, Puddle of Mudd still exists? You are a member of some guy in the band’s family.
Luke Combs - What You See is What You Get
Just gonna go out on a limb with this one and guess that you enjoy beer.
Vandoliers - Forever
You skate, fish, have purple hair, and are polite to your mama.
Zac Brown - The Controversy
You usually tell everybody you like everything Zac Brown puts out no matter how he experiments, but you gave up your fan club membership and started an anti-Zac Brown Facebook page after hearing this shit.
Post Malone - Hollywood’s Bleeding
You toss around words like ‘molly’ and ‘yeet’ but your 6th grade teacher doesn’t like you to say them in class.
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This is satire. Don't take it seriously.
Idea stolen from Medium.
Dec 10, 2019
What Your Favorite Album of 2019 Says About You
Lizzo - Cuz I Love You
You started listening to this so your daughter would think you’re cool. She does not.
Thomas Rhett - Center Point Road
You can talk for hours on end without ever saying anything of importance. You go to church just so you look cute on Instagram once a week.
Billie Eilish - When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?
Your mom started listening to Lizzo so you’d think she’s cool. You don’t, but mostly because she won’t let you have blue hair or date a 23 year old.
Vampire Weekend - Father of the Bride
You’re at the age that you know what yuppies felt like in the 90s. You drive a Volvo.
Miranda Lambert - Wildcard
You don’t get drunk on the weekends as much anymore, but only because the hangovers really hurt in your mid-30s. You’ve had non-physical fights with your significant other so loud that the police were called …more than once.
George Strait - Honky-Tonk Time Machine
Country radio is not for you, but you don’t care if other people like it. You iron your jeans and only have one tattoo you got in the Navy.
Cody Jinks - The Wanting
Country radio is not for you, and f*ck anybody who likes it. You’re still wearing the same jeans from Saturday and have at least two skull tattoos.
Mitchell Tenpenny - Telling All My Secrets
You don’t know what year it is and have the shittiest taste in music possible.
Koe Wetzel - Harold Saul High
You have a jacked up truck with exhaust stacks, fight with your girlfriend in public, and are drunk right now. But you still think you’re better than those douchebags who listen to Florida-Georgia Line.
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This is satire. Don't take it seriously.
Also, if your favorite wasn't here, there will probably be another edition.
Idea stolen from Medium.
Idea stolen from Medium.
Dec 9, 2019
Dec 6, 2019
No Good Country Music Released Since ’79, Says Moron
Curmudgeonly country fan Carl Outlaw says that not a single good country song or album has been released since 1979. Despite the fact that Outlaw was born in the early 90s, he feels confident in his oblivious statement.
“There ain’t been no good country since the heyday of Merle and Willie and Coe, and you can put that in your pipe and smoke it.” said the idiot, shuffling through his playlist that managed to exclude the likes of Johnny Cash, Dwight Yoakam, and The Judds.
According to Carl, though not specifically mentioned, Patty Loveless sucks. He also believes, based on his time limits, that Jamey Johnson, Tyler Childers, Kelsey Waldon, and Turnpike Troubadours have all released subpar music unworthy of his attention.
When asked about Johnny Cash’s renewed output from the nineties, he says “hipster bullshit…anything that snooty college kids like, I don’t like.” “If it doesn’t have a steel guitar, fiddle, acoustic guitars, and sad lyrics about dying of cirrhosis in a flophouse, it’s not good country,” continued Outlaw. “There have been no songs that fit that description in my entire lifetime and it makes me sad for the future of America.”
The fool thinks Chris Stapleton and Sunny Sweeney are just awful, if we go by his own misguided cutoff date. Jason Boland and the Stragglers, Jamie Lin Wilson, Dale Watson, Cody Jinks, and Miranda Lambert are terrible as well.
When asked what he thought of Luke Bell’s self-titled traditional country gem from just a couple years ago, Outlaw replied “Luke Bryan, who’s she?”
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