The Crud Report: September '18

Confetti, Choreography, Coors: The New Chris Stapleton Concert Experience

Performing his second show in as many nights Saturday in Gilford, New Hampshire, beloved country superstar Chris Stapleton unveiled a completely different concert experience from the previous night. Responding to Twitter criticism that his shows aren't entertaining enough, Stapleton put on a wild and immersive event filled with hip-hop references, lasers, and screaming guitars.

At past shows, Stapleton simply walked out with his band to start the show, but tonight he exploded out of the stage with pyro and concussion bombs. "What up? Y'all ready to get this party started?!" hollered the bearded troubadour, and the crowd ate it up. 

"Well, throw your hands in the air and let's do this damn thing!" he shouted, pacing the stage to the cadence of a piped-in trap beat. Explosions rocked the stage, and fire shot from the mouths of metal scarecrows at the sides. Chris then launched into Thomas Rhett's Stapleton-penned smash, "Crash and Burn." 

While some in attendance seemed confused at the new Chris Stapleton, the rest of the crowd lost their minds. No longer standing behind a mic with guitar in hand, the singer danced and jaunted across the glittery stage, mimicking the steps Rhett performed in the song's video. He never missed a note as he whipped the fans into a frenzy.

Next, Stapleton's band started into the bouncy Rascal Flatts album cut "Vandalized," Chris saying "Y'all might not have heard this song but my homies Gary Levox and the crew killed it and I'm proud to do my own take of my song tonight!" The re-imagined version amped up the bass and Chris actually rapped most of the verses. It was shocking to hear the traditionalist favorite dropping bars, but he was surprisingly adept. 

The bulk of the rest of the show was songs from Chris' three album releases, but many of them were rocked-up renditions with producer and guitarist Dave Cobb showing off his shredding chops. During a power ballad take on "Fire Away," the entire band stood side by side as a backing track played and did the old 80s hair metal synchronized head bang. Confetti cannons blasted the crowd as Stapleton hit the final chorus. 

For the encore, Luke Bryan's hit "Drink a Beer" (also written by Stapleton), Chris asked a couple in the audience to throw him a couple of tall boys. They complied and he caught them both and smashed them above his head, pouring the Coors Light into his mouth like former WWE superstar, Stone Cold Steve Austin. The crowd popped huge. It was an exciting end to this impressive showcase of Stapleton's new direction.

When reached for comment after the show about the huge shift in vibe and persona, Stapleton told us "Cheryl in Topeka said on Twitter that I didn't deserve a nomination for Entertainer of the Year because I'm so boring. Well, that didn't sit well with me, so from now on we're taking it to the next level, keeping it lit, and burning the f**king house down every night."

Stapleton doesn't perform again until September 22, and it will be interesting to see how the Farm Aid crowd responds to his hip new high-octane show.

Fake News Classics: Alan Jackson Seeks Embarrassing Dud for Next Album

I recently received a file from CM Wilcox of the former Country California that includes all my old fake news posted at that dearly departed site. Some of them aren't relevant anymore or don't make sense to repost, but from time to time, I'll be posting some of those stories for your reading enjoyment or annoyance. Here's one.

Alan Jackson Seeks Embarrassing Dud for Next Album

Originally posted on Country California, Tuesday, January 05, 2010

As lead single "It's Just That Way" hits select radio stations, Alan Jackson has made an open call for a particular song type to fill out the track listing on his next studio album.

"Well shucks," said the long tall Georgian, "we were doing a final listen through of all the tracks to determine the song order for the new record and noticed something strange. All the songs were devoid of awkward 'hip' phrases, bad near-rhymes, strange metaphors, dopey technology references and lines that would sound corny or dated by next year. I grabbed Keith (Stegall, his producer) and told him, 'Doggone man, we've gotta open up a slot!'"

To that end, Jackson has announced that single song submissions will be accepted through January 31, 2010 for a possible cut on his late spring release.

"I could write one myself, but I'm a little burned out on songs about not liking to wear sandals and I can't think of any more not-that-clever ways to say I'm a simple man, so I wanted to invite fans and fellow writers to submit their own turds," laughed Jackson. "I don't know, maybe something about that Kenya West fella or something?"

The near-legendary traditionalist country singer has a stellar record of classic songs during his twenty year career, but has made sure to give a little something back to the undiscerning fan on every record.

"You know, Brad Paisley used to put a gospel song on every CD; it was his signature for a while. Well, my signature is one ill-advised, shockingly embarrassing cut per record," explained Jackson, who named "www.memory," "I Still Like Bologna," and "that one about cornbread and chicken" as examples.

A notice posted to Jackson's website offers the following topical suggestions for song entries: wearing a fanny pack, a knee infection, deer hunting as a contrived (PG rated) sexual metaphor, an Alan Jackson Droid app, affection for an old go-cart, weedeating while drunk, and beef jerky.

Dustin Lynch Inducted Into Pro Football Hall of Fame

Despite never having playing in the NFL, singer Dustin Lynch was recently inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Lynch smartly donned his gold jacket and ring at the enshrinement ceremony and gave a rousing acceptance speech.

"It is such a great honor to stand alongside the giants of this sport I wasn't involved with and walk in the shadows of the legends." said Lynch, beaming his million dollar smile. "Jerry Rice, Joe Montana, Lawrence Taylor… I can't believe my name and bust will be displayed in the company of such unforgettable talent. I may not have ever thrown a pass, participated in a single training camp, or even held that wire water tray thingie, but I gladly accept this completely unjustifiable recognition." 

Attendees of the ceremony looked befuddled, but remained respectful as Lynch thanked all the people who hadn't helped him become a renowned football player. Randy Moss and Brian Urlacher cast confused glances at one another repeatedly through the speech, while Brian Dawkins kept shrugging and rolling his eyes. 

Though Lynch has not laced up football pants since the 8th grade, the Hall of Fame believed him worthy for reasons unbeknownst to anyone but the board. Dustin's career football stats as a middle school running back were rather subpar. He boasted 204 total yards on 94 carries, one touchdown, and seven fumbles. 

Still, Lynch feels he will be a valuable asset to the Hall. "I have strong appeal with young women and teen girls, so I hope to bring more eyes to this great sport that I never took part in." he told us. 

Lynch was recently asked to become a member of the Grand Ole Opry, Nashville's hallowed hall of country music, despite being a pop singer, so gaining undeserved honors seems to be his thing. 

Terrell Owens had no comment on Lynch's induction.

Americana Festival Smells Like Wet Dog

Some attendees of the Pale Skies Americana Festival in Whitesburg, TN have complained of a strong odor in the air. There are no reports of any sort of leaks in the area, and the EPA has given an all-clear on the air quality, yet the foulness persists. 

The smell has been described as that of a wet dog, or hot dog water. Most festival goers seem oblivious to it, but 10-20 attendees and several vendors have sought attention in the medical tent for respiratory issues. 

Jalen Johnson of Nashville described the smell as "mayonnaise mixed with moldy oatmeal." "I'm pretty used to it - I go to Belmont and it smells like that all the time." said Johnson, "Only thing I don't like here is the food choices - it's all unseasoned chicken and mashed potatoes and Greek yogurt. What is that?" 

As Old Crow Medicine Show began their set on Thursday evening, several people were overcome by the fumes. Amidst a throng of Birkenstock clad fans clapping on 1s and 3s, one young woman passed out into a pile of Starbucks cups. Another man said he had to get oxygen after the combination of the smell of bologna and the constant chanting of "Wagon Wheel!" got him extremely light-headed.

Alecia Sykes of Knoxville had to go lay in her car when a cloud of vape smoke and the overwhelming reek of old cheese and tomato gravy left her with a raging migraine. "It sucks because I was having a great time with Kayleeigh, Baylyy, Lynnseigh, and Chad."

Dan + Shay Arrested After Massive Bar Brawl

Hit pop-country duo Dan + Shay spent Thursday night in the clink after a violent fight at a Detroit Lakes, MN bar. The group's management declined to bail them out until this morning because, according to inside sources, "they refused our suggestion that they not go in there and get into trouble." 

At least 5 people were treated for injuries onsite and 1 went to the hospital after the massive brawl. Dan Smyers and Shay Mooney both declined treatment for minor facial bruises.

Dan and Shay had just played the WE Fest country music festival and were headed to their next stop, when the two pleaded with their driver to stop at Bunghole Pete's. Against the wishes of their management and the stern warnings of their band and crew (who were too scared to enter the sketchy dive), the two piled off the bus for a few cold ones. 

One witness, Karl Heidenreich, said that as soon as the pair grabbed a spot at the bar, guys in the establishment were wolf-whistling them and throwing peanuts in their direction. "They was wee tiny little fellas." said Karl, "And they was dressed like Scottish golf instructors… we don't get their kind in Pete's very often." 

Karl says a large biker from the Hellstrykers MC walked up to Mooney and said he was cute and asked him for a date. "I say live and let live, but them bikers thought those two was [sways hand back and forth] or whatever." Karl went on, "I didn't think it was real nice to pick at 'em, but then, I didn't think them little Smurf looking boys ought to have come in here either."

What happened next shocked Karl, and ended with Smyers and Mooney spending the night on cots at the Detroit Lakes city jail. 

"That adorable little man had that huge biker on the floor in a triangle choke before I could exhale my Black & Mild." laughed Heidenreich. "Another Stryker I know named Bukk Jameson tried to punch (Smyers) and ended up with a glass ashtray across his teeth. Them kids could go, man!"

Bartender Max Umbridge described the rest of the wild scene, telling us nearly $7,000 dollars damage was done to Bunghole Pete's. "The short one, wait they's both short I think… anyway, he put Bukk through a table with a modified powerbomb, and all hell broke loose." said Umbridge.

Fists flew for nearly 20 minutes. One man suffered a broken leg when Mooney applied the Texas cloverleaf on top of a pool table. Another was beaten unconscious in the ladies room by Smyers before the cops finally arrived. 

Dan and Shay are due in court next week for a preliminary hearing on charges of disorderly conduct, property damage, and mayhem. The Hellstrykers declined to press their own charges and, in fact, that's a made up name, because the actual M.C. said FTM was not to use their actual names under threat of violence because they were so embarrassed.

At press time, Dan + Shay was headed to Maryland Heights, MO for the next show on their tour supporting Rascal Flatts.

The Crud Report: August 2018

Music Snob Decides Music is Just Too Mainstream

Local music snob Edward Nickels has come to the realization that music is just too mainstream for him. After years of increasingly obscure taste in tunes, he finds that nothing rises to his preferred level of weird and unlistenable anymore.

"I just find it so passé." Edward told us, "The combining of sounds to produce harmony and form? I mean, other people find enjoyment in that sort of thing." Nickels explained his progression from enjoying pop music as a child, to indie rock as a teen, alt-country and drone metal in college, and on to even more unconventional genres in later life.

"I discovered the indie-post-metal-spoon-jazz scene in Austin and that was great for a while." explained Nickels, "All eight of us were really into it, but once Jerry brought two more friends to a show, I was over it." He says he then moved on to "glump," a genre where the artists engage in rhythmic pillow fights: "That was cool until somebody started a blog about it."

Edward bemoaned the lack of experimentation and uniqueness in modern-day music. "Everything is just so boring." he carped, "Chord progressions and melodies are so quotidian. Aural indulgence has become so plebeian." 

"Guys my age are all into stuff like Jason Isbell or Kendrick Lamar - I mean can you imagine?" laughed Nickels. "It's just embarrassing to react on an emotional level to sounds and words put together in 'pleasing' arrangements." 

At press time, Edward said he was exploring the "clatter" genre - people just throwing pans and hammers and stuff against walls - to see if there was still any feeling of desire left in him for auditory sensation. 

Giant Novelty Check Printer Shutdown Slows Country Singer Charitable Donations

Country singer charitable donations have slowed to a dribble in Nashville, possibly due to the closure of Progressive Printing. The company, who specialized in oversize novelty checks mounted on corrugated plastic or cardboard, was bought out by Exacraft Mail and Print Solutions in Brentwood and will be combined into that location in a few weeks. 

In the meantime, hospitals, homeless shelters, and other funds have seen sizable drops in their contributions. Charles Jones of "Toothbrushes for Arkansas" told us he expects donations to be down by 34% when figures come out in August. "It's the damnest thing," said Jones. "I can't for the life of me figure out the connection between our drop-off and the lack of photo-op-ready, comically large, not actually cashable checks."

Usually, somewhere between $900,000 and $3 million dollars are collected and given to nonprofit organizations by country music superstars during the months of June-August. Charity softball games, bake sales, and charity-specific concerts have been non-existent this summer. Some say the shortage of the showy, symbolic checks is to blame. 

"I've seen some social media posts saying that country singers won't give a dime to a relief center if there's not a camera on them," related Cherry Givens of "Kane Brown Fans Literacy Fund." "But I'm not that cynical… can you imagine?"

John Reynolds, COO of "Guns for the Incarcerated" suggests country singers order their preposterously gigantic, camera-friendly checks from Amazon until Exacraft's check printing service is up and running. 

Mainstream Country Station Accidentally Plays Good Song

Note: This story was blatantly ripped off from Babylon Bee and adapted for country radio.

SOUTHAVEN, MS—Representatives for local mainstream country radio station WFNN 99.1 "Mighty Fine Ninety-Nine" issued an official apology Thursday morning after accidentally playing a good song on their station. An employee error reportedly caused the not awful song to be played in full.

“There’s no excuse, and we apologize,” a station representative said. “We meant to play another vapid pop song with a fiddle hidden in there so deep you'd need a stethoscope to hear it, and somehow a song with deep themes, country instrumentation, and solid musical execution just was slipped into the queue by a now former employee.”

Horrified listeners reportedly phoned in poorly though-out and nearly incomprehensible complaints throughout the morning.

“I relies on Mighty Fine 99 to play Luke Bryan at least twice hourly so I can make it through my hard morning of posting Alex Jones videos and racist memes on Facebook,” one local woman told reporters. “And they p**sed me off... because of that twangy noise song, they only played Luke eleventeen times today. I'm switching over to Bro-Country 102 if this s**t continues.”

"I accidentally heard a steel guitar and felt an emotion, despite being on high doses of feeling reducer pills," said Jonny Latham of Olive Branch. "That Stapleton dude sang a few three syllable words and made me feels intelligently inadequate." 

The network’s leadership assured its disgruntled listener base it wouldn’t happen again.

“I’ve personally gone in and purged every Miranda Lambert, Jon Pardi, and Chris Stapleton song from our system and instructed our content managers to only play mind-numbing, formulaic hits based on our data metrics going forward,” 99.1's program director said. “And as a special thank you to listeners for sticking with us, I’m happy to announce we’ll be playing only "Downtown's Dead" and "Heaven" for six straight hours Sunday afternoon." 

The Crud Report: July '18

Kane Brown Concert Devolves Into Near Anarchy

A Thursday night of fun and music descended into chaos, crime, and confusion. Country singer Kane Brown's show was cancelled shortly into the fifth song due to excessive injuries, arrests, and general mayhem.

The problems started before the gates to the Sunnyland Amphitheater even opened. 38 fender-benders were reported in and around the parking areas for the venue. Many concert-goers simply left their crashed vehicles and went to stand in line. One man drove his truck over a fire hydrant, parked, and got out, not even noticing the cartoonish spray of water shooting out from under his F-150. 

The line to enter the facility was also the scene of its own maladies. Police reported arresting 312 people there on drug related charges. Most of those arrested were witnessed in the midst of drug deals in plain view of security. One woman had even set up a makeshift crystal meth booth.

Once the gates opened, the actual ticket line fell victim to a comedy of errors. One man was stopped trying to smuggle in a case of beer under his rather large stomach. Ticket takers reported "hand drawn tickets," tickets from previous shows, and Chuck-E Cheese menus presented for entry. It took around 2 hours to get actual ticket buyers into their seats, pushing back the show start time. 

Several "pro wrestling style" fights broke out as Brown took the stage, leading to several more attendees taken into custody. Kane laughed off the early rowdiness, telling the crowd "You guys are lit tonight! This place is fire!" Some apparently took him literally, as a grass fire began to rage on the amphitheater's lawn seating area. The situation was worsened by fans' attempts to douse the fire with their mixed drinks. Several minor burns and smoke inhalation injuries were reported and the show was continued after a 45 minute delay. 

The final straw was when Kane told the audience to "throw your hands in the air!" Several prosthetic hands and arms were hurled skyward, causing all manner of contusions and concussions upon their descent. This led to several more violent skirmishes. One woman was "pile-drived" onto a stack of folding chairs, leading security to finally and mercifully shut down the concert. 

All in all, there were 602 arrests, 97 injuries, and nearly $800,000 damage to Sunnyland Amphitheater. Kane Brown could not be reached for comment. Sunnyland Mayor Charles Rickles would only shake his head and tell us "These folks are really, really stupid."

©2018 FFNN (Farce Fake News Network)

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in Folk Music

Some would imagine that the quaint, earnest folk music scene would not be as likely to contain divas and d-bags as the more mainstream genres of music. They'd be wrong. Here are some of the genre's most egregious offenders.

10. Joni Mitchell

Has said Counting Crows cover of "Big Yellow Taxi" is far better than her original.

Before retiring from touring, only played Rascal Flatts songs over the monitors before shows.

9. Hozier

Refuses to play "Take Me to Church" in concert.

Blocks anyone who complains about it on social media.

8. Tracy Chapman

Refuses to play "Fast Car" in concert. 

Only plays "Give Me One Reason" 'in the style of Post Malone.'

7. Bon Iver

Won't apologize for being the godfather of modern hipsterism.

Drives a jacked up Hummer with a Salt Life sticker on the back.

6. Wesley Schultz (The Lumineers)

Constantly rails on millennials despite being one.

Uber driver on the side; car smells like sweaty leather.

Makes fake business cards with different names but his phone number to drop in those "win free lunch" fishbowls.

5. Skyler Skjelset (Fleet Foxes)

Writes shitty pop-country under the pen name Chris DeStefano.

Listens to hick-hop albums loudly on the tour bus.

Slaps people with a fencing glove if they misspell his last name.

4. Damien Rice

Speaks in an unintelligibly thick Irish accent at meet and greets so fans will move along quickly.

Next album will be entirely dirge-style Neil Diamond covers.

Tour rider calls for only "mass-produced light American lagers" to piss off his band.

3. Emmylou Harris

Thought Gram Parsons was a "pretentious dickhead hack" but he paid well. 

Litters.

At shows, she has any fans wearing tennis shoes violently removed and humiliated.

2. Scott Avett (The Avett Brothers)

Wears sweat pants to strip clubs.

Drives with his brights on in fog.

Lays five dollars on the table at restaurants and takes one away for every slight error the server makes. 

Leaves his spit cup in the cup-holder at the movie theater. 

1. Father John Misty

Oh wait… this list is supposed to be satirical.

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*this is, of course, fake news*

Keith Urban Vandalizes Country Music Hall of Fame

Country music superstar Keith Urban was arrested Thursday for causing nearly two million dollars worth of damage at Nashville's Country Music Hall of Fame. Urban, 50,  was booked on charges of felony vandalism, trespassing, and destruction of property. He was released after posting $250,000 bail. A court hearing is scheduled for June 20.

Witnesses say they were surprised to see Urban strolling through the facility alone. That wasn't the strangest thing they'd see. "A few people immediately recognized him and were crowding around for autographs," said museum guest Carl Jenkins. "I thought it was weird he was out in public without security… and he was wearing this big whop-sided backpack with box-cutters and stuff falling out of it."

Carl said Urban took a ball-peen hammer from his pack and asked the surrounding crowd to please excuse him. "He climbed over the barrier and smashed the shit out of Hank Williams Sr's guitar," said Jenkins. "It was crazy, there wasn't nothing left but wire and sawdust when he was through."

Urban then defaced at least 15 of the bas relief Hall of Fame member plaques, including Fred Rose, Tammy Wynette, and Don Schlitz, spray painting such things as phalluses and the word "fart" across them. He also sprayed deer scent all over the iconic "Will the Circle Be Unbroken" inscription with a Super Soaker water gun. 

Before leaving the Hall, Urban also hurled DeFord Bailey's harmonica down a hallway, poured a kale smoothie on several Nudie suits, and cut all the fringe off one of Patsy Cline's outfits. 

Museum staff and security never intervened during Urban's rampage because they thought he was just 'pushing the boundaries of his art or filming a prank show or something.' When all was said and done, however, the Kiwi country guitar slinger had caused real and lasting damage on country's hallowed halls. Urban was taken into custody without incident at his home later that evening. 

While neither Urban nor his wife Nicole Kidman could be reached for comment, Keith's manager told us he doesn't expect Keith's reputation or career to take a hit over the situation because he's very handsome and such a good guitar player.

The Crud Report: June 2018

Florida-Georgia Line Fans Upset Over Band's New Direction

"TF is this?? Old crusty ass 40 year old man music?" asked a furious Lindseigh Locklin on her Twitter account. What she was referring to was the embedded Spotify link to Florida-Georgia Line's newest single "Simple." "Really disappointed N FGL RN" continued Locklin. "They shud no we like them BC we DONT like old timey country music like they're new song." [sic]

Lindseigh's isn't just an outlier of an opinion either. "Simple" is ruffling feathers all over the FGL fandom. 

A public Facebook post from Coreigh Akers of Popknot, GA expressed similar concerns:

Have you guy's heard FGL's new song "Simple? I don't know what to think yet. I wanna like it because its them but where are the beats? And why does it sound old …like something from 1998 or something? If I wanted to listen to Randy Travers or Mark Chestnuts, I'd get a dusty ass CD out my parents' room. Why are FGL selling out like this?????"

While it's early to say whether or not the new "old crusty ass 40 year old man music" direction will hurt album or ticket sales, it seems clear that the act's younger fans aren't particularly pleased. One college-aged man has even started a Facebook page called "Bring Back the Party, FGL." 

Jason "Broseph" Parks, in the mission statement of the page, which boasts 324 dissatisfied fans (and is growing by the day), says the following:

We our the true fans of Forlida-Georgia Line and we ain't gone a take it any more. We come here to party and too drink beer and not to listen too are grand parent's music. We hearby are telling Tyler and Brian to BRING BACK THE DAMN PARTY! We won't country rap and cool sound effects and music we can dance with hotties too! If your in agreement with me, join up!

At press time, it still wasn't clear whether the unhappy FGL fans had heard the duo's other new song "Colorado." 

New Americana Band More Authentic Than That One You Like

Brand new Americana act Roustabouts in Bowties is taking the roots music revival to new levels with their upcoming debut album release and supporting tour. Bolstered by first single, the rustic fiddle ballad "Ye Art a Fine Lass," the 7-piece act will hit the road in July to promote their self-produced, self-released, self-designed, self-printed, self-promoted, self-packaged, self-shipped debut Claptrap Monkeyshines. 

Recorded in an abandoned Alberta dogtrot, Claptrap Monkeyshines boasts 10 original songs and a cover of a song from a 1932 field recording of a nameless jug band. Penned by lead vocalist Bjorn Blacklung, the original tunes span the tempos from dirge-like to lullaby. 

"We want to be the most authentic band to ever exist," smiled Blacklung, through a blue haze of corncob pipe smoke. "It isn't enough to never groom our beards, to farm the cotton that makes our hand-stitched extra stiff denim clothes, spend 3 years learning to duplicate records at home, and take our inner sleeve photos with a vintage tin-type, we must live the life." 

Leaving their Montana wilderness shack collective for the first time in ages to tour "the great expanse" as they call it, the Roustabouts will play 36 cities over the next 3 years (they're going on horseback). Lead musical saw player Mose Dustworth tells us he most looks forward to taking a break from splitting wood and watching for grizzly bears for a nice long spell.

While the Roustabouts' aesthetic is bucolic, the actual release will come in multiple formats, including high fidelity wav files, phonograph cylinders, and cassette tapes dubbed on their own 1989 RCA home stereo. It will also be available on 380g sawdust tan vinyl that doubles as a frisbee for disc golf. The band cautions that when using the record in disc golf competition, that all other players be out of the line of fire. The band is not responsible for injuries or deaths caused by thrown copies of Claptrap Monkeyshines. 

Third Date Trip to FGL House a Real Red Flag

Kayla Marks recently tried online dating for the first time, and it was going well so far. Was. The first date with Steven was surprisingly fun, just dinner and a movie and a peck on the cheek goodnight. The second date was a bar crawl with another couple, and it was silly and memorable.

Steven had seemed like a potential long-term interest. He was attractive, funny, had a good job, sensible car, good taste in movies, and seemed well-read. But this. This was a problem.

Sitting at the lower bar of the FGL House, waiting on a table, while "This is How We Roll" boomed from the speakers overhead and way too much neon stirred the opening pangs of a headache, Kayla saw a red flag. And then another. And then another. 

While she put on a happy front, her head was full of concerns.

"We live in the area, we're not tourists; why would we go here?"

"Do these damn bachelorettes have to holler so much?"

"Does he like Florida-Georgia Line? Ew."

"He's scarfing down those jalapeno poppers like a caveman."

"Glad I'm not paying. $15 for a cocktail?"

"Did he really just say he hasn't called his mom in weeks?"

"Damn it, Maddessyn, we get it… the penis shaped balloon your maid of honor just put on your head is hilarious. Shut up already!"

And it didn't stop there. Suddenly Kayla was seeing every flaw and downplaying every strength she'd seen in Steven. 

Yeah his job was pretty good, but he worked for his dad, selling toilet parts. Toilet parts?

The perfect teeth? Maybe he was one of those people who organizes his socks.

And he said he reads a lot. I'm guessing Maxim. Does that still exist?

And why hadn't he talked to his mom since April? Does she also hate his taste in music?

She'd overlooked the fact that he'd had pop country playing in the car on all three dates. She figured it was just habit, or that he'd just left it on there as background noise, but now she knew the cold hard truth. He actually enjoyed the mindless, sexist, cookie-cutter drivel. And if so, Steven must surely have other disagreeable characteristics. 

Suddenly her deep thoughts were interrupted by Steven loudly rapping along with the Future song now playing, then, "Hey our table's ready… I got us some Fireball shooters." 

Kayla sighed. "Steven, we need to talk…"

90s Country Star Comes to the Defense of Modern Country

Amid a steady barrage of elder country singers' complaints about the authenticity of modern country music, 90s star Brad Lee Peterson has come to its defense. 

"Johnny Lee and Travis Tritt and all these other old dudes are just salty and washed" said Peterson. "Man, I like to get crunk to some Sam Hunt and Kane Brown, my dudes. Go drink some Ensure and let the rest of us enjoy how country music has evolved, bro." 

Peterson, the singer of such 1990s favorites as "Hilfiger Cowboy" and "She Don't Blow Up My Pager Anymore" says he understands where the discord comes from, but that country music is in good hands with such artists as Bebe Rexha and Jordan Davis. 

"All this shade throwing comes from a place of jealousy. Jealousy that they aren't getting the airplay anymore." Peterson laughed. "Look in the mirror son, y'all ain't poppin' anymore - old get off my lawn head ass crackers."

"Luke Bryan is really where things started getting better and Florida-Georgia Line just got it lit to another level!" smiled Peterson. "Country music is whatever country radio tells us we should love - they know what they're doing. They knew when they made (Peterson's only #1) "Party Up in My Lowered Truck" a smash hit in '93 and they know now." 

The debate between country traditionalists and progressives has hit several peaks in recent years. Bro-country was extremely divisive and the current trend of R&B flavored music on country radio has raised the ire still higher. Peterson, for his part, thinks it's all overblown: "It goes in cycles - it'll come back around to more classic-sounding country like Rascal Flatts or Shania Twain - then it'll jump out of the box again and do something like mumble-country… but the wheel always turns." 

At press time, Brad Lee Peterson was preparing to release his comeback single "Hashtag Fire (ft. Post Malone)."

The Crud Report: May '18