The Crud Report: April 2018

Little Known Artist Somehow Scores #1 Country Hit

A singer virtually no one in mainstream country radio's target demographic has even heard of scored his first #1 song this week. The bearded, nearly middle-aged man has made waves in recent years selling truckloads in the archaic "album" format, but until this year had made little impact on radio.

This sketchy character once sang backup for Justin Timberlake on the 2015 CMA Awards, earning high praise from pretentious critics and long-in-the-tooth music fans. He has also sung on a sketch comedy program your parents watch called Saturday Night Live a couple of times. 

The singer has raked in quite a few awards, grabbing ACM, CMA, and Grammy trophies along the way. But, as modern country fans know, awards are irrelevant if they don't go to the artist you were rooting for. Other than those few minor blips, the aging country artist has made little inroads with the listeners who matter. 

Like Cheryl, a young web producer for a major magazine, who recently had a tweet questioning who this man is and why he keeps winning awards. If this hip youth doesn't know who the one-hit wonder is, he clearly must not be any good!

Or Bryce, a "huge country fan" from the Midwest who complained on Facebook about "the old dude" who beat out Thomas Rhett for best album. A chorus line of iHeartRadio's prime quarry chimed in with likes and similar grumblings. If these college bros who clearly love country music don't know the guy, surely this is just a fluke. 

So, nothing to see here.

Now back to your focus group tested, heavily promoted, sonically consistent, regularly scheduled song from Tylerson Davis.

Country Stars Finally Speak Out on Important Issues

Lately, there has been a lot of consternation toward the unwillingness of country music's biggest stars to speak out on the important issues facing Americans these days. Topics like guns, immigration, and President Trump seem completely off limits to the upper echelon of Music Row's top acts. Somehow, we got them to go on record with us about the hot-button topics of the day.

The Crud Report: March 2018

Dad Was Under The Impression There'd Be Country Music

Dad Mark Benson, 47, of Taylortown, Louisiana took his daughter and two of her friends to a concert at the Bossier City Centurylink Center assuming there'd be country music. After all, the main guy was wearing a cowboy hat on the poster, and the two opening acts had the same last names as people from his church. And the local radio station had promoted "One Big Night of Country" for the last 2 months, but so far Mr. Benson had heard nary a note of country.

Clad in camo cargo shorts, a Flori-Bama t-shirt, and white & red New Balance shoes, Mark stood incredulous at the barrage of beats and other sounds which couldn't possibly have come from the guys holding instruments on stage. The performers pranced around the stage exhorting the audience to "keep it lit" and "put your drinks in the air" while mumble-singing mid-tempo pop songs that all seemed to run together. 

Besides a couple of drawled phrases and constant references to beer, there was nothing in the first hour and a half of the show that might have indicated what genre of music these singers claimed to be. He's pretty sure he's heard that song from the one guy about "leaving the bar with me" on the country station, or maybe the one from that other guy about "leaving the bar with her," but he wouldn't put money on either one.

Now, 4 songs into the headliner, Mark and other goatee-having fathers are glancing at each other with confused looks. The tall, handsome singer seems like a nice young fellow, but he's yet to twang a note. There's no steel guitar on the stage. There's no fiddle player. There's no banjo. There haven't been any cheating songs. 

"Get off my lawn" and "music was better back in my day" swirl through Mark's head, but he doesn't dare utter those phrases into existence. His daughter and friends seem to be having fun watching the show through their phone screens and he's into his 6th Fat Tire tallboy, so things could be worse. 

No wait, the headliner is rapping now.

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in Americana Music

Some would imagine that the fan-friendly, honest Americana music scene would not be as likely to contain divas and d-bags as the more mainstream genres of music. However, thanks to critic and hipster love for the buzzworthy genre, things have changed of late. This groundswell has slowly created a context wherein all manner of unlikely aspirants are more apt to let their jerk flag fly. Here are some of the genre's most egregious offenders.

10. Brent Cobb

"Forgets" to invite cousin Dave to family functions

Band members only allowed to speak to him by text message

9. Rhiannon Giddens

Borrows band members' phones and logs out of everything

Once put a fan who accidentally called her 'Rihanna' in a triangle choke submission hold

8. Amanda Shires

Wouldn't speak to husband, Jason, for a month when he opposed the name "Taco Lucinda" for their daughter

Performed an entire show of Rob Thomas covers when one crowd was smaller than anticipated

7. Rob Baird

Always eats the middle cinnamon roll out of the pan first

Spends hours a day leaving 1 star iTunes reviews on other Americana artists

Will only autograph thongs

6. Shooter Jennings

Puffs, doesn't pass

Got a secret tip and sold all his Bitcoin to Marilyn Manson just before Bitcoin crashed

Plans to do an all-EDM tour later this year

5. Ward Davis

Secretly bullies Cody Jinks

Still says "Dilly Dilly!"

Keeps telling everybody new music is coming "soon" but it never does

4. Holly Williams

First person to ingest a Tide Pod on video

Can only name 3 Hank Sr. songs

Drives 10 mph below speed limit in left lane

3. Drew Kennedy

Never cleans stations in the gym after using them

Doesn't wash out the sink after beard grooming

Tour rider includes "organic kale candy" and "fitted hemp Phillies cap"

2. Courtney Patton

Spreads rumors about Jamie Lin Wilson on Snapchat

Tells dirty jokes at funerals

Vapes dill pickle flavor at songwriting sessions

1. Paul Thorn

Does the old "replace the vodka with water" trick on his tour bus

Constantly reminds fans he used to be a boxer

Never plays his top 5 songs on Spotify in concert

Always has a few credit card skimmers on hand

Zac Brown Unveils New Rap Persona "Lil Beanie"

Zac Brown's seemingly insatiable desire to record and release music in every existing genre took its next logical step this week as he unveiled yet another side project, the mumble rap artist Lil Beanie. Signed to Zac's own Southern Ground label, Beanie (Brown himself, with fake face tattoos and a wig) is currently prepping the release of his debut single "Marching Powder." 

The song, a not even slightly veiled ode to selling copious amounts of cocaine, is a mid-tempo track that bounces along on a slick electronic beat with Beanie's sparse lyrics peppered across the composition. The chorus simply repeats "marchin' powda" 25 times, but Lil assures us this is how hip-hop is done nowadays. 

Beanie's first album, Mean Streetz of Lumpkin, is set to drop in late summer, with opening dates on the Zac Brown tour to support the record. 

"Yo, I'm just so excited to get this opportunity to open for Zac,  ya heard?" stated Mr. Beanie. "It gone be lit and I'mma give 'em my 100 every night."

Brown's other side project, Sir Rosevelt, will also play each of the ZBB dates. That act's single "Something Bout You" is going for adds at country radio despite clearly being not a country song. Whether Beanie's music will be released to country radio is "up in the air" (meaning: yes, it definitely will). 

At press time, Zac Brown had announced auditions for yet another another side project, the death metal outfit Deérguts.

The Crud Report: February '18

*fake news*

Cole Swindell Falls Asleep During Cole Swindell Concert

Country superstar Cole Swindell recently fell asleep during a Cole Swindell concert. The "Chillin' It" singer, currently on his Down Home acoustic tour in support of his annual Down Home Sessions EP, dozed off during an extended guitar solo on his hit "Ain't Worth The Whiskey."

Bassist Adam Cunningham noticed Swindell dropping his head a few times during the middle of the concert, but only noticed that the vocalist had actually dozed off when he started swaying on his stool in an atypically rhythmic manner. "I jogged over to him and nudged him and he just about fell," related Cunningham, stifling his own yawn.

"That concert was so monotonous." explained Cole. "The songs didn't say anything and most of them sounded the same… and the singer was flat. The musicians did their best with the material but heck, Michael Jordan would've sucked if he'd had to dribble a football."

The consummate professional, Swindell was able to shake off the cobwebs and tediously finish the last three songs, before collapsing into a pile of curtains backstage to finish his siesta.

"It's a good thing Adam was there when I nodded off," laughed Swindell. "Or I'd have been all over YouTube the next day. I mean, honestly, it would have been the most exciting thing to ever happen at one of my shows."

The Down Home Tour, which provides nap pallets and blankets in the back for sleepy fans, rolls into Chicago tonight and continues into the spring, when Swindell will begin his first major headlining tour.

BMLG Signs "I'll Slap a Ho" Singer Tucker Mitchelson

Scott Borchetta Wednesday announced the signing of Missouri singer Tucker Mitchelson to BMLG's subsidiary imprint Valory Music, Inc. The Chesterfield native, known for his underground hit "I'll Slap a Ho," is expected to begin work on a new country album in March. 

Mitchelson, whose repertoire also includes the songs "Sluts in My Truck," "Spread 'Em," and "T&A," is a 6'4", 230 lb specimen of a former junior college quarterback with a five o'clock shadow and a knack for writing what his fans want to hear. His musical style is best described as: listen to country radio for 30 minutes and mix that all together, then add lots of tales of questionable sexual misadventures. 

Borchetta is excited to introduce his newest signing, the writer of regional favorite "Bring Your Friend Too." "Tucker brings a certain frankness which is sorely missing in music these days," beamed Borchetta. "His approach will certainly ruffle some feathers, but rest assured that he has great respect for women." 

"I has great respect for women," said Mitchelson, echoing his boss' sentiments. "My approach will certainly rustle some feathers, but I think we need some people keeping it 100 in this day and age." "My songs are funny, so nobody should be offended - it's just sapphire [sic] - I love chicks, so why would I write songs that make them not want to hang out with me?"

He went on to explain that "'I'll Slap a Ho' is sung from the point of view of a "sexualist" dude who doesn't respect women like I do." Mitchelson told us he plans to defray any backlash against his 'satirical' lyrics by donating a portion of his signing bonus to "sexual harassment." 

"Sure, these songs are ballsy, if not stupid, to release in the current environment, but hey, rap is worse…" argued Borchetta. "And you should see all the little girls singing along to 'Sixteen's Just a Number.'"

At press time, Tucker Mitchelson's first official single "It Won't Bite" was going for adds at country radio.

Florida-Georgia Line's Lost Album

An anonymous source sent us this "lost" Florida-Georgia Line album. It was supposed to be 

their second album, but was scrapped when BMLG put a finger to the wind and figured out 

that bro-country needed to chill out a little. Would've been huge, I bet.

The Crud Report: January 2018

"Stick to Music" Guy to Give Mainstream Country Another Shot

32-year-old music fan Jason Varton of Springfield, Ill reports that he plans to give mainstream country another shot. After years of trashing popular artists like Florida-Georgia Line in lieu of Americana music, the growing outspoken political nature of the latter has begun to push him away. 

"Man, I can't stand Luke Bryan but at least he doesn't constantly spout off about health care on Twitter or write songs trying to make me feel bad," said Varton. "Maybe I need to give that guy another shot." 

"I mean, his jeans are stupid and why the hell is he booty dancing at a country show?" he continued. "But he never seems to have a solitary opinion about tax cuts, or net neutrality, or social justice, or anything really ...and that's what I'm looking for in a musician."

Varton, a former fan of artists like Jason Isbell, Margo Price, and Sturgill Simpson has grown increasingly uncomfortable with those singers' recent public stances in their music and on social media about issues facing American citizens. He wishes they'd focus on putting out music that speaks from their hearts, but in no way explores anything besides love, farming, loneliness, drinking, or other rural pursuits. 

"Sam Hunt, what the f**k is he even doing? I mean, is it rap, is he trying to be Jason Mraz? I don't even know, but I do know that he wouldn't put out a song about income inequality!" smiled Varton. 

At press time, Jason planned to listen to mainstream country radio 10 minutes a day to build up his resistance and train his gag reflex.

Op Ed: Nothing Beats Giving a Concert Your Undivided Attention …on Your Phone After the Concert

by Trent Marks

I just love a good concert!  There's nothing like lending your support to a hard working band out there displaying their talents and working their asses off for you. They drive from town to town in a beat up old van. Some of them set up their own stage gear. They put out the songs you listen to all the time …so the least you can do is toss $15-50 in their direction.

There's also nothing like experiencing that concert and giving it your full attention. I like to grab a post-show Miller Lite and a cigar and plop down in the leather recliner and do just that after the concert! There in the silence and smoke, I can hear and see the show so well thanks to my new Samsung Galaxy S8. 

I mean, during the show, I'm too busy chatting with my buddies and hollering and drinking Miller Lite to actually watch the show, so it's good to have my Samsung Galaxy S8 there recording the entire thing for me. With its 4k video recording and VDIS stabilization, the picture stays crisp and clear and the sound is awesome too. 

It's amazing how easy it is to have a great time at the show while one arm is busy high in the air taking in all the sights for you. It's no problem debating about the Cowboys game or keeping up to date on all those friends you don't get to see as often now that everyone's grown up and working. You've got plenty of time to point out hot girls to your friends. With the 8x zoom, I can grab a beer from the bar without missing a lick. 

Sometimes I'll move up toward the stage to get an even better picture. I just stand there with my phone in the air, talking loudly with my bros, and having a great time. I'm 6'5" so I can even get shots of the drummer up close or catch the steel guitar player picking his nose. Man, concerts rule!

And to think, I still have the concert to watch in its 2 hour entirety when I'm winding down later. What more could a true music fan ask for? 

The Crud Report: December 2017

Blake Shelton CD Packed in Box With Other Unsold Yard Sale Items

A dusty copy of Blake Shelton's Startin' Fires was packed away into a cardboard box full of other unsold yard sale items this past Saturday evening. The album with the cracked CD case and the bright yellow 50¢ sticker slipped down the side of a Pikachu plush and came to rest between a dingy child monitor and a mug from the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino.

Startin' Fires was Blake Shelton's fifth studio album, and featured the hits "She Wouldn't Be Gone" and "I'll Just Hold On."

Owner Mark Platte, 37, of Neptune Beach, FL, said he hoped to either put it out for another yard sale in March or 'donate it somewhere.' He expressed surprise, not that the item didn't sell, but that he even still had a Blake Shelton CD, having apparently priced the compact disc without even noticing its cover.

"I haven't listened to him in years." he told us. "Since he got boring and started sounding like all the other dudes on country radio, I just moved on." Mark said he was more into artists like Cody Jinks and Lucinda Williams these days, preferring "real" music over the glitz and packaging of the mainstream.

At press time, the cardboard box containing the Blake Shelton CD was being taped shut, to be stored in the corner of the storage room behind the old paint buckets and a broken weed trimmer, to be forgotten for several more years.

6 Foot Bag of Mayonnaise Announces New Country Album, Tour

A six-foot tall garbage bag full of mayonnaise has announced plans for its new country album and nation-wide tour. "Burble, burble, glurp" said the hot new artist, excited about its chance to get the music out there for the fans of enormous trash sacks full of egg-based condiment.

The Hefty Cinch-Sak filled to near-capacity with Great Value Mayo plans to drop a new trendy sounding, but unmemorable single next week, before revealing the album cover the next week, then dropping a more upbeat country hip-hop-lite track the next week, then announcing the track list for the album the next week, then releasing the album in January. 

The creamy container's star has risen since posting several YouTube videos of Sam Hunt covers and releasing an acoustic EP in 2016. The giant blob of dressing will do several solo shows at casinos and fairs, before taking a slot in April opening for the popular Stained White Shirt Flung Over a Mic Stand. 

The Crud Report: November '17

Bro-Country Accused of Sexual Harassment

In a stunning and wide-reaching announcement yesterday, hundreds of thousands of young women accused bro-country of sexual harassment. The waning but still popular sub-genre of mainstream country music faces serious charges of using misogynistic language and requesting sexual favors from its female listeners from 2011 through this year. 

"It was a couple of years ago, but it feels like yesterday," said a shaken Lizzie Harrison. "He told me to get my little fine ass on the step, and that's just not okay." She related to us how she went along with it at the time - pretending to like the song and its implications - but has come to realize bro-country's inappropriateness.

Another accuser, Madison White, said that bro-country announced its intentions to "set her up on the kitchen sink" and "stick the pink umbrella" in her drink. "I know what he was talking about now - I was innocent at the time and I just sang along, but now I see how damaging that sort of language is" she told us.

Other allegations against bro-country include ordering "country girls" to shake their backsides, making constant reference to women's derrieres and legs, and plying young girls with alcohol. The legal implications of this tidal wave of serious assertions is unknown at this time, but we at Farce the Music fully support a swift and punitive outcome.

At press time, one unverified claim had come in from a Sherrie Summers of West Memphis, AR. "Bro-country grabbed my ass" she told us. We'll update this important story as more information comes in.





*I hate small type and shouldn't even have to say this but: This piece is in no way to minimize or make light of sexual harassment. In fact, I feel like some of the language used in bro-country actually does contribute to the degradation of decency and interpersonal relationships in this regard.*

Taste of Country Readers Vote "Body Like a Back Road" Best Thing to Ever Happen Ever

In a recent poll, readers of the popular mainstream country website, Taste of Country, voted Sam Hunt's song "Body Like a Back Road" the best thing to ever happen, like ever. This in addition to the song's all-time record for weeks at #1 on the Billboard Hot Country Chart add to the hit song's growing list of very important accolades.

Eschewing momentous occasions generally regarded as eternally significant by large swaths of the population, TOC's readers instead picked Mr. Hunt's bouncy ode to a lover's body as the greatest single thing in the history of mankind. 

Also included in the poll was ratification of the 19th Amendment, giving women the right to vote. A momentous occasion yes, but not nearly as huge as this hunk's silly singalong about a curvy chick. Rather ironic in the context, but none-the-less.

Another loser in TOC's poll was the birth of Jesus Christ. A full 23% more Taste of Country readers believed that a song including the phrase "The way she fit in them blue jeans, she don't need no belt" was of greater import to their lives than God sending his Son to earth to save them from their sins. 

Finishing up second-to-last in the poll was America's independence. While this was certainly a great moment in history, Taste of Country's readers felt that Sam Hunt's vapid pop song masquerading as country was of far greater meaning to their lives than the establishment of the free country that most of them hail from.

Some critics will be swift to dismiss the results of this poll and deride its voters, but sometimes a song comes along and touches its listeners on their hips like honey and won't let go. Who are we to belittle Sam's latest victory and the fans who have bestowed this massive honor upon him?

At press time, Taste of Country had just posted a hard-hitting exposé entitled Country Hunks and What They Feed Their Dogs.

**fake news**