Multiple Arrests at Mainstream Country Festival, Despite it Being Online

At the “Down Home Together” festival this past weekend, it was almost as if things were no different than usual. The mainstream country music streaming show included the likes of Luke Bryan, Kelsea Ballerini, Upchurch, and Jordan Davis playing songs from their living room and was set to raise funds for several COVID related charities, but many fans behaved as if the festival was in a farm pasture. 43 arrests were reported across the 3 1/2 hour show, despite it being online.

25 of the arrests were for online threats of violence as fans got into arguments in the comments over such subjects as COVID-19, masks, beer, Donald Trump, and murder hornets. One man even threatened to fire a rocket launcher into the home of another fan who thought Ozark wasn’t as good this season. Authorities found said man in possession of a rocket launcher and illegal prescription drugs. 

10 more arrests were for actual violence, when online arguments led to actual fights for feuding fans who lived near one another. “I just commented that maybe we shouldn’t be talking about whether Kelsea had “nice t****ies” or not in the comments because it seemed pretty sexist to me, and some Bubba guy from Smyrna drove to my house with a baseball bat.” said Dunwoody, GA music fan Gerald Hopkins. Bubba Carlisle was charged with threats, possession of a controlled substance, and expired tags when police arrested him in Hopkins’ driveway.

Other charges during the festival included attempts to sell meth, dissemination of pornographic content in a public forum, and somehow, a couple of DUIs and drunk and disorderlies. The chaos of the Down Home Together festival has promoters wondering whether or not to rush back to in-person concerts once the pandemic has eased. 

Luke Bryan had no comment at press time, as he was “waxing,” according to his management.

Axl Rose Recording Country Album

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, October 20, 2009 

Spurred on by Gone Country rock-star pal Sebastian Bach, rock icon and lead singer of Guns n' Roses, Axl Rose, has begun work on an epic country album. In a nearly-coherent blog diatribe directed at some unnamed assailant in the Nashville press, Rose announced his plans in maniacally honest detail. 

Here is an excerpt from that post: 

"Despite this uneducated m*****-f*****'s baseless claims and slander against me, I will persevere and this album will see the light of the day in a few short months or possibly 17 years. I have already hired some of Nashville's finest musicians and plan to alienate and fire them one by one until I end up with a band that in no way resembles the one that is intact at this moment. However, I will keep each person's contribution and use them in multi-multi-tracked songs that are rich with sound the way a pizza burger stir-fry with chocolate ranch taco sauce is rich with taste." 

He continued: "I expect to go through somewhere between $2 and 25 million dollars of Curb Records' money and have several label heads fired during the laborious recording process. I will spend my downtime: 1) hanging with Baz (Bach) and John Rich, 2) punching Nashville celebrities at charity events and 3) suing people. After finishing this record, I will resume recording of Chinese Democracy 2 which will come out posthumously. And hey, you scum-sucking, onerous piece of crap, you'll never say that s*** about me again!" 

The already mythical Arkansas Literacy album is expected to be an exclusive one-album deal with Target. Industry insiders predict it will sell around 150,000 the first week before tanking, after which Axl will make another rambling, curse-filled blog post blaming Target, Slash and the Jehovah's Witnesses for weak sales. 

The Crud Report: May 2020

Country Blogger Has Been Social Distancing for Years

The country music blogger Trailer has been prepared for something like this Covid-19 pandemic for years. Now that it has come to pass, he’s in his element and thriving.

Trailer, who runs the satire and review site Farce the Music, says social distancing has been a part of his life for many years now. “Well, since I’m a big, fat, jealous hater, people have never wanted to be around me anyway,” said the reclusive meme maker. The blog is well known for making fun of country artists that the general public loves and adores, lending to Trailer’s outcast nature.

“The biggest problem for me right now is that without new albums, tours, and interviews going on, I don’t have a lot to make fun of,” he said. “Mostly I just go around on YouTube videos calling children and teenagers idiots for liking Kane Brown… it’s pretty fun.” 

The general negativity in society right now is nothing new for Trailer, who spends far more time talking bad about singers he doesn’t like than he does being positive about artists he enjoys. “I bet Luke Bryan is living it up without a worry in the world… the damn sparkeldy skinny jeans wearing poser.” said the spiteful loser, as his mom brought him some more Totino’s Pizza Rolls. 

“I don’t like music to evolve. Genres should stay the same as they were when they were invented, and right now there aren’t any studios open for Florida-Georgia Line to be auto-tuner emo rapping in, and that makes me happy.” laughed the crusty cynic.

At press time, Trailer was grumbling while walking up out of the basement to help his mom with the dishes.

Americana Band Actually Doing Better Financially During the Pandemic

Tupelo, Mississippi Americana band Natchez Trace is riding out the Covid-19 pandemic in a shared rental house and doing just fine, thank you. In fact, they say things are actually more profitable for them during these uncertain times.

“I was worried, I’ll be honest.” said bassist Lee Sturgeon. “No tour dates, no merch sales, and even our Spotify streaming royalties are down from $1.54 to $1.34 for some reason.” Despite the lack of income, the band, who has opened for the likes of Aaron Lee Tasjan and Nikki Lane, is living high on the hog during this challenging era. 

“We’ve actually gone 22 straight days without our van breaking down,” said lead singer Vance Upton. “The previous record was 4 hours… so we’re saving a lot of money on vehicle maintenance.” “Also, we haven’t had any gear stolen since last Monday. Usually we’re replacing amps and guitars on a pretty much daily basis.” 

Low overhead isn’t the only thing keeping Natchez Trace afloat. “When those stimulus checks hit the bank accounts, we threw a party,” laughed Sturgeon. “$1200 dollars a piece? Man, that’s like six months driving from town to town, playing for 23 people, and sleeping in a rest stop parking lot.” “We’re rich bitch!” yelled Upton in the background. 

So what is Natchez Trace doing during this downtime? “Video games, beer, Netflix, repeat.” said drummer Matthew Chandler. “We might do a live stream or something one of these days but we’re usually too hung over.” 

At press time, Natchez Trace was drunkly considering continuing to not tour after the pandemic is over.

Fake News Classics: Nashville Unsure How to Monetize Killing of bin Laden

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California May 24, 2011 

Several well-known country singers have expressed a sense of befuddlement about their course of action after the recent killing of Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. 

"Normally, I'd have three or four situation-appropriate patriotic singles I could rush to radio –- and I do, don't get me wrong –- but we get into a conundrum here because I don’t really understand what the hell is going on,” said one noted hitmaker who wished to remain anonymous. 

"I've got one in the can called 'We Got Our Man' but I mean, what if they didn't really get him? You've heard the conspiracy theories," he continued. "And another one's called 'We Salute You,' but that might be misconstrued as support for Obama or something, and that's career suicide in the country market." 

Representatives for Darryl Worley have confessed similar issues. "Darryl needs a hit right now so he doesn't have to go into underwear modeling -- not that there's anything wrong with that -- but he's a country singer and he's a patriot and America needs him to wave the flag now more than ever," said an anonymous member of Worley's management. 

"We have a sequel to 'Have You Forgotten?' called 'We Remember' slated for release in late July to capitalize express his feelings on the ten year anniversary of 9/11, but that's two months from now... Darryl needs something on the market to keep his name out there, and the bin Laden killing is just too much of a mixed bag for us to formulate an approach on." 

Other artists such as Aaron Tippin and Lee Greenwood were also seeking outlets for their desire to represent this occasion in song at press time, but their camps were mum on possibilities. 

Toby Keith, however, was going full steam ahead with its release of "America, Hell Yeah," which hits radio five minutes ago. 

George Strait is a Big Fraud, Says Ignorant Man

“He’s a joke! People call him the King,” said Reed Bartholomew about country legend George Strait. “King of what? Pretty boys who suck!” 

Bartholomew, a self-described hardcore country fan, contacted us to broadcast his feelings that Strait is overrated and a detriment to the history of country music. His points are passionate but a bit misguided. 

“For one thing,” began the moron, “he’s skinny and handsome and well-dressed… real country singers are grungy and haggard like Johnny Paycheck …and Haggard.” Appearances, including good hygiene, lucky genetics, and healthfulness have little to do with the authenticity of music but go on, Barth.

“Also, he’s always singing about horses and cowboys, but I bet he’s never even roped a steer… damn stage-boots-wearin’ poser.” said Bartholomew of Strait, who grew up on and also runs a ranch, holds a degree in agriculture, and once competed in the Pro Rodeo Cowboys Association in team-roping. 

“Why should we look up to a pretty fake cowboy when there’s men and women in camo standing up for our freedom?” continued the idiot, unaware that Strait served in the US Army from 1971-1975 and achieved the rank of Corporal.

“He don’t even write his own songs, and that’s why I think he’s not even in the top 100 country singers of all time… he just stands on the stage and strums his guitar.” finished Bartholomew. While not known as a songwriter for most of his career, Strait has written and cowritten over 25 of his songs, particularly on his last few albums - far more than Reed Bartholomew has ever written in his life.

He’s right about the guitar though. One point to the dumbass.

The Crud Report: April 2020

Police Using Hick-Hop Songs to Disperse Crowds During Pandemic

Police departments nationally reported on Friday that they were using unusual methods to enforce lockdowns and “safer at home” measures during the Coronavirus pandemic. An attempt to avoid harsher crowd control options has led many forces to use speaker trucks to blast music that most people find repugnant - in this case, hick-hop, or country rap, seems to be having the best results.

In Ft. Worth, TX Wednesday, local authorities were alerted to a small block party in a suburban neighborhood. Rather than issue citations or fines, they simply rolled a police van into the vicinity blasting “Outback (Extended Remix)” by the hick-hop group Redneck Souljers. “They lit out of there like their butts were on fire” laughed Deputy Lewis Marks. “I don’t blame them - I felt physically ill listening to it myself.”

A birthday party in Van Nuys, CA fell victim to Colt Ford’s “No Trash in My Trailer.” Carl Jenkins, who had attended the party, told us by Skype that he was injured during the melée as the party broke up. “I may sue their asses - I didn’t trip or fall or anything, but I was mentally injured by that music; I’ve got pain and suffering and PTSD now. I might rather have the Rona.” he grimaced.

An outdoor bat mitzvah in Salem, OR ended in similar fashion. “I hate to do it, but this is for safety and health of the public at large” said officer Lindsay Scanlan, turning on Upchurch’s “My Neck of the Woods” at ear-shattering volume. Audible screams and weeping were heard as the 24 people at the mitzvah scattered like ants. 

Similar stories have come in from across the country, but at press time, law enforcement agencies in the Carolinas reported that hick-hop was ineffective in clearing large gatherings and were exploring using flash bombs, rubber bullets, and tear gas.

“Country” Singer Not Adjusting Well to Social Distancing in the Country

As nearly all performers are during the coronavirus outbreak, a popular country singer is spending time away from the adoring crowds. Currently holed up at his rural estate which he normally only visits on rare tour breaks, he’s having a difficult time adjusting to the rigors of country living, despite singing about them in most of his songs. We’ll call the singer Chad Bryant for anonymity’s sake.

“It’s great that I finally get to hang out with my wife for more than a day - she seems really nice.” said Bryant, “But everything on the property is torn up, running out, or squeaking, and my staff is self-isolating at their homes, and I don't even know how to use a pork wrench. [sic]” 

Bryant was unable to repair the fence that encloses his three horses, despite singing of fixing fences in two of his hit songs. “I just stacked up a pile of firewood beside where those slats are broken, so Pennywhistle, Drake, and Rainbow Dash can’t get out.” he explained. 

“And the garden looks like crap, but I’m trying,” said Bryant, standing over a dusty mess of vines and swirling flies holding a handful of Miracle Gro spikes. Despite once singing “if the world falls down, I’ve got this patch of ground, with a garden and deer in the fields,” Chad isn’t even sure which growing thingies are weeds and which are green beans. And while it’s not deer season, Bryant said he’ll have a hell of a time without his usual hunting guide and penned up whitetails if this thing lasts very long. 

“At least I’ve got a home gym to keep these abs ripped and this butt tight,” smiled Bryant. “I’m gonna look good for the whole lock-down.” Bryant has no hit songs about doing hack squats.

At press time, Bryant said he was eating a Quest bar and watching a YouTube video trying to figure out how to start his mower, but that “the internet service is spotty out here in the boonies.”

Fake News Classic: Former Taylor Swift Fans Seek New Bandwagon

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California April 22, 2010 

After Taylor Swift was shut out at last Sunday's ACM Awards, some of her fans began to have second thoughts about their love of the young singing/songwriting phenom. 

"She's totally changed," said 14-year-old Madison Ramey, up past her usual bedtime at her friend's ACM party. "I mean, she even sang a song called 'Change.' You know what I mean?" 

Party host Lindsay Carmichael echoed the sentiment. "She's just not as cool now that she lost, I mean, now that she uh, just isn't as cool... you know..." Lindsay trailed off. 

Along with partygoers/former Taylor lovers Lani and Lesha, the girls have now formed a committee to research what up-and-coming singer most effectively speaks to the wants and needs of tween girls. Factoring into their decision will be the following criteria: lyrical relevance to the middle school/ninth grade experience, catchiness of songs, attractiveness of the singer, fashion sense of the singer, upward mobility of the artist's popularity and the "iPod" factor. "You know, which singer would you be least embarrassed to answer with when someone asks who you're rocking in the Skullcandies today," explained Lindsay, as she removed a playlist entitled "Tay Tay" from her iTunes and re-synced her iPod. 

Some of the artists the girls were considering were Lady Gaga, Ke$ha and Miranda Lambert. "They're all kinda old, but their popularity is rising so that means they're still making good music unlike somebody we used to like," sniped Lani. 

Wearing turned-inside-out "Fearless Tour" t-shirts, the girls sang a rousing chorus of "Blah Blah Blah" before the night's festivities came to an end when parents began arriving to pick up their daughters. 

No Witnesses in Assault of 2 Men Who Were Talking the Whole Damn Concert

Two Signal Mountain, TN men were brutally beaten inside a music venue in Chattanooga Wednesday night. Charles Banks, 23, and Kyle Chark, 20, were treated at the scene at The Signal after a Whitey Morgan concert around 11:15 pm. Police are investigating the incident, but despite there being 700 or more in attendance, no witnesses have come forward.

“Oh, those guys who were talking the whole damn concert?” asked Mandy Ranier, a Morgan fan. “I didn’t see anything, but honestly I don’t feel bad for them.” She described how the two kept a conversation about Tennessee Volunteers football going for the duration of the concert, never lowering their volume even during the quieter songs. “It was a pretty rowdy show, I bruised my knuckles on both hands really bad, but again, I have no idea what happened to those guys.”

Headliner Morgan had to stop the show three times to ask the two to keep it down or move to the bar area. “I get it.” said Morgan, “You haven’t seen your buddy all week and wanna chat… but have some respect for the people who are there for the music; there are plenty of other drinking establishments.” Morgan, who was also nursing a wound on his right hand, said that he never saw a fight take place. 

Banks and Chark sustained bruises, cuts, torn clothing, and mild concussions in the fray. The two told police that during the concert’s encore (they think it was the encore - they weren’t really paying attention), between 15-700 members of the audience began punching, kicking, slapping, and pushing them. Banks even alleges that Whitey Morgan himself dove off the stage and landed a superman punch, but no one else has corroborated that claim.

Despite the fracas taking place directly in front of the stage (according to the pair), there was no report of a disturbance and the police were only called when Chark awoke in the alley out back and called them himself.

Morgan takes his show to the Lewis & Clark Brewing Co. in Helena, MT tonight, where he is fairly certain there will be no rude people in attendance.

The Crud Report: March 2020

ACMs Snubbed Jones, Cash, Ray Price, Says Man Who Apparently Time Traveled from the 70s

Larry Jack Pullen of West Memphis, Arkansas, who may be in possession of a device that can transport humans through time, is very upset with the Academy of Country Music awards nominations that were announced yesterday. He took to Facebook to announce his displeasure, saying “No George Jones, Johnny Cash or Ray Price. They are getting awards for ruining Country Music.” The comment was in response to a Facebook post that listed the likes of Thomas Rhett and Luke Combs as 2020 nominees.

When reached by Messenger for comment (I didn't tell him the artists he listed were no longer alive because I assumed he knew), Pullen went on a long rant about the fabric of America, smart phones, and something about “the Chinamen,” before finally getting back around to country music. 

“Riley Green, who’s she? If Johnny Paycheck isn’t up for best male artist, then what the hell is even going on? Nobody respects are elders any more and that’s why Jimmy Carter got elected.”

I asked Larry Jack if he could share the secret of time travel with me, but he said I must be on the reefer to ask something like that. “Your one of them what’s trying to make country music liberal and gay, aren’t you?” he asked. “IF YOU PEOPLE BY GOD RUIN WHAT GLEN CAMPBELL AND CONWAY TWITTY WORK EVERY DAY TO KEEP STRONG I WILL FIND WHERE YOU LIVE and you will regret it!” 

I tried to calm the conversation, but it was no use. “It’s a g***amn shame what their doing.” said Pullen, “I bet Tammy Wynette won’t even be preforming on the show, will she?” When I let him know that Wynette had sadly passed on, he told me to send condolences to her family and let him know where to send flowers. 

*this is based on a real Facebook comment (just the first one) - only the name was changed*

Jason Aldean Unsure Which Jason Aldean Song He Is Currently Performing

Midway through yet another mid-tempo rocker about partying in some country-approved locale, country star Jason Aldean reported Thursday that he is entirely unsure which song he is currently performing before a large crowd at the Charleston Coliseum. "It has a lot of rocking riffs, slamming drums, and the crowd is singing along, but I don't know what song this is," said Aldean, who added that he is confused because every song he performs is just a slightly different version of the last song.

Aldean lets the crowd take over for a few lines so maybe he'll find his spot, but to no avail. "I hear them singing 'fire in a field' and 'feet on the dashboard' but the last song had a 'fire by a truck' and 'feet in a pasture' so it's not helping any," he complained, "I'll just walk around and gesture at people in the crowd while I pretend to play my acoustic guitar for a minute."

By the time the ripping guitar solo takes center stage, Aldean is fairly sure he's figured out which Jason Aldean song he is presently supposed to be singing. "It's got to be 'My Kinda Party'... or 'Set It Off'... or 'Kick the Dust Up'... no wait that's a Luke Bryan song," fretted Aldean.

Aldean frantically searches the stage for a set list as the guitarist finishes up a slightly adjusted version of the solo from the previous song. Unable to find the schedule, Aldean just sings the lyrics from the second verse of "Just Gettin' Started" and no one even knows if it's correct or not, but it fits, and the crowd is drunk and doesn't really give a shit.

Inspired/Stolen from this Onion article.

Tim McGraw Hospitalized After Ingesting a Carb

Tim McGraw suffered a medical scare this week that has him currently recovering at Centennial Hospital in Nashville. The country star was transported by ambulance to the facility Tuesday morning, complaining of dizziness, a distended abdomen, headache, and lethargy. 

After a thorough examination, doctors determined that McGraw was suffering from a heretofore unknown condition called “carb shock.” Dr. Herbert O’Neill explained: “When a digestive system that has not been in contact with carbohydrates in a great deal of time is exposed to them, you get what Tim experienced - shortness of breath, pain, puffiness, and more. Mr. McGraw nearly lapsed into a coma but we were able to stabilize him with a protein drip.”

McGraw’s wife, country singer Faith Hill, believes the consumption of the carb was an accident. “I’m not certain, but I think a single piece of one of the kids’ Cap'n Crunch somehow fell from their bowl into Tim’s kale and meatless crumbles omelette,” said a shaken Hill. “He took a bite and immediately looked up at me with a wild, terrified look in his eyes.”

The “Live Like You Were Dying” singer, long known for his strict fitness regime and healthful eating habits, began exhibiting symptoms of carb shock within minutes. EMTs performed a stomach pump at the scene, but the carb had already done its damage. 

“Thankfully we got him in here quickly enough to avoid any lasting damage to his health or his ridiculously ripped physique.” Said O’Neill. Doctors expect a full recovery and release by this weekend but caution McGraw not to even so much as glance at a biscuit.

Alan Jackson to Release Protest Album

Country legend Alan Jackson takes his time putting out new music these days, but he’s gearing up for a surprising new release. Due May 8th, Things That Bother Me, produced by Keith Stegall, will be a departure for the long, tall singer - a protest album - and we talked with him about this unique venture.

“The Long and Short of It,” the album’s opener tackles an issue near and dear to Jackson’s heart. “You don’t know how hard it is to find 38.5 inseam jeans without having to go on the computer,” frowned Jackson, “So this song’s about that.” The tune documents and dismisses the continued discrimination of the men’s clothing industry against men with very long legs. The anger in his voice is palpable as he sings: “I looked in the Target big & tall, but 36 is all they had.”

Jackson is twice as passionate on “As God Intended,” a gospel-tinged anthem about the proliferation of craft beers. “Why can’t people just enjoy a good Bud heavy like a normal American?” he puzzled, “They got IPAs, double IPAs, triplebocks, sours, and coffee stouts out the wazzoo. Makes it hard for me to just grab my sixer and go with all the granola boys hanging over the coolers looking at their phone apps for a beer rating or something.”

While never breeching the subjects of politics or social justice, Alan does get into a controversial subject on the album’s final cut, “Sissy Basketball.” While he only played church league ball as a younger man, Jackson still laments the evolution of the NBA from the grinding defensive struggles of the 80s and 90s to today’s high-scoring finesse game. “I miss the days of Bill Laimbeer and Charles Oakley literally assaulting somebody who thought they’d get an easy layup,” he laughed, “So this song’s about that.” 

When asked if he thinks the confrontational tone of the album will turn off long time fans, Mr. Jackson simply stated “I don’t reckon.”

Track listing for Things That Bother Me:

1. The Long and Short of It

2. Beyonce Didn’t Invent Country Music

3. Electric Cars

4. As God Intended

5. Paywalls

6. No Legroom

7. Things That Bother Me

8. I Don’t Love That About You

9. Zipper Merge

10. Sissy Basketball

The Crud Report: February 2020 (a day early)

Not All Brantley Gilbert Fans Are Criminals, Says Inmate Nat Barksdale

Hancock State Prison inmate Nat Barksdale wants you to know that not all Brantley Gilbert fans are criminals. He took time out of his busy staring at the wall routine to write us a letter to that effect.

Barksdale, who in 2012 was the first Brantley Gilbert fan ever to graduate from high school, is currently serving 7 years in the Sparta, GA correctional facility for B&E and possession with intent to distribute. He expects early release in 2022 thanks to his uncle who knows some people.

In Nat’s letter, he wanted to stress that almost half of the people he knows who are fans of Gilbert’s music have never even gotten felonies. On the contrary, many of them, while not really upstanding citizens, are gainfully employed and charitable individuals. He cited his friend Clarence, who despite a warrant or two, runs a profitable automobile ‘reclamation’ business in Smyrna. Clarence raises dogs for ‘sporting events’ and even gives freely of his ‘medical supplies’ when people are in need. Impressive. 

We’ll let Nat’s letter speak for itself now:

“Look, I know your joking and everything and I even laugh sometimes when I get internet time in the library, but I think your way off base. I’ve already told you about Clarence and Walt White, but their’s one that’s a real success story. That’s my ex Jeanette (Cosby). She graduated last year while raising are daughter and has got her own hair salon down on the bypass. We never did get married and she broke up with me once the charges stuck, but I’m still real proud of her. Anyway, please tell you’re readers that at least a third of BG Nation is pretty good people.”

When reached for comment, Cosby told us she didn’t listen to Brantley Gilbert anymore and was more into EDM.

Country Festival Adds 20 Women …to Post Show Cleanup Crew

Boots and Bros, an upcoming country music festival in West Memphis, TN has taken it on the chin on Twitter due to its male-heavy lineup. Of 32 artists performing, only 2 are women, and one of those is in a male-female duo. Berk Cordero, director of the event promoter BroCore Media, said the negative social media response to the festival’s lineup has led the event to agree to add 20 women to the post-show cleanup crew.

“We want to provide opportunities for women to be a part of this great event.” smiled Cordero, “In addition to the usual contract workers we’ll have in to pick up trash, we’ll have our own all-female cleaning crew!” He went on to praise his company’s willingness to listen to criticism and to give equal opportunities to people who might not normally be a part of such an event. 

Work hours will run from 11 PM to 3 AM Friday-Sunday with a smaller crew brought in for prep each morning. Duties listed on BroCore’s Glassdoor job advertisement include: collection and transportation of trash, stage breakdown, vomit removal, packing and storing of materials, portapotty draining, portapotty hosing, portapotty loading, and other activities. Applications can be picked up at the dog track during normal hours of operation.

All the women employed on the evenings will be provided with a pink and black “Event Staff” t-shirt, temporary usage of safety flashers and a flashlight, and $7.25 an hour. “They can keep the shirt too!” beamed Cordero. “And while we ask that they turn in any valuables they recover, well, you know…things happen. Consider it a little bonus. And some will even be able to begin their work while the headliner is still on stage. Working under the stars in the spring air while Sam Hunt talk sings. What could be better than that?”

When asked if the committee would be considering adding any more women to the actual lineup of performers, Cordero responded: “LOL” (spoken aloud).