Americana Singer Dismayed to Find Out He Has a Conservative Fan

Smith Winston lead singer Chance Lipton

Americana singer Chance Lipton, lead vocalist for Smith Winston, is a proud member of the resistance. In fact, his Twitter bio openly states it, reading: “Rise and fight! If you’re a conservative, I don’t value your opinion. Lead singer of Smith Winston. He/Him.”

The reedy 26-year-old tenor has his band on the upswing, with their second album, Drumbeat of Solidarity, due in April, but a recent revelation has him rethinking his career path. “I thought I’d blocked all the mentally deficient baby cagers, but I recently received a Twitter DM that troubled me to the core.” related Lipton. “I’m literally shaking right now.”

Lipton provided us with a screenshot of the upsetting direct message, which reads as follows:

Hey Chance! I’m a big fan of Smith Winston. I’ve kept up with you guys since that EP in 2014. Saw you twice in concert. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you do have some conservative fans out here, despite your bio. I mean, I’m not crazy about Trump, but I’m certainly to the right of you and that’s cool with me. Your music is great and I can separate my beliefs from my enjoyment of art and have an open mind to your message. Take care and keep up the good work!

“My foundations were shaken by this message,” said Lipton. “How could someone who doesn’t have the same level of compassion for the world like my music? I blocked him of course.” 

Chance continued his stream of consciousness self-debate: “Have I written too many basic love songs that even one without the capacity for love could sympathize with? Am I using too little word salad? Do I need to convey more revulsion for the intolerant? Maybe I should just quit if someone with such low intellect and poor opinions has the opinion that my music is something he identifies with.”

Lipton has asked for a short leave of absence from Smith Winston while he works through his issues.

The Crud Report: January 2020

Fake News Classic: The Story Behind Luke Bryan's "Kick the Dust Up"

Story Behind the Song: Luke Bryan's "Kick the Dust Up"

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, May 26, 2015 

Luke Bryan released his next #1 smash single, "Kick the Dust Up," last week and we at Country California were very curious about the story behind this complex and original work of art. Luckily, we were able to speak with all three writers of the song as they took a break from a grueling half-hour writing session this morning. 

"It's a funny story," starts Chris DeStefano. "Dallas showed up three hours late with a bottle of Southern Comfort Caramel in one hand and his iPad in the other and said 'Let's write, bitches!'" 

Ashley Gorley apparently had a vague idea for the song going in. "Once we got Dallas seated and focused on hydrating himself a little, I told the guys what I had in mind," explains Gorley. "I said 'You know how everybody hates this bro country stuff, whatever that is? Well, how subversive and against the grain would it be to go the full bro?'" 

"I like money," Davidson reportedly replied, mopping spilled Dasani off the neck of his guitar. 

"Yeah man, let's just stick it in their faces," laughed DeStefano. 

Things went fairly smoothly as the trio settled on a theme (partying outside a small town) and started an outline of the song, but some tension arose as they pondered a direction for the second verse. "I know, I know... you know how city boys suck at being manly and partying and shit?" slurred Davidson.  "No, tell us, hillbilly," shot back DeStefano.  "I mean, no offense or nothing, but city boys... y'all ain't shit," said Davidson. "So let's just make the second verse about that." 

A brief skirmish highlighted by an armbar submission placed on Davidson by DeStefano was swiftly broken up by Gorley and the session was back on track. 

Over the next nine minutes, the masters of their craft laid out chord progressions, nailed a chorus, determined how the requisite hip-hop beat would fit, and fleshed out a more subtle version of Davidson's idea for the second verse. "I think we're done," said a jubilant and creatively fulfilled Gorley. 

"Hol' on hol' on," yelled Davidson. "It needs some lil something to make it different cause I'mma be honest with y'all, I can't tell this song from that one we wrote before lunch." "A bass drop?" offered DeStefano. "Should we get 'Yeti Cooler' in there somehow?" asked Gorley.

Gorley came up with an interesting riff that seemed to fit Davidson's description, but things got sideways again when DeStefano said he liked the Middle Eastern flair. "You mean like ISIS?" Davidson screamed, punching Gorley awkwardly in the ear. "Merica, bitches." 

When the dust finally settled, Gorley and DeStefano left the riff as it was but described it to Dallas as "Israeli-sounding" and everything was cool. 

"So that's it, just another day at the office," smiles DeStefano. "We're pretty proud of it." 

At press time, despite a bit more critical backlash than usual, "Kick the Dust Up" had debuted in the top 20 on Billboard's Country Airplay chart. 

Santa Requests Voice Messages in Lieu of Letters from Kane Brown Fans

Kris Kringle, aka Santa Claus, usually stays out of the public eye, rarely granting interviews or making public statements. Sure, his legion of helpers is out in force this time of year, taking Christmas requests in mall courtyards and smiling with crying kids on their laps, but the man himself is busy and reclusive. Therefore, his press release this year came as quite a surprise. 

We won’t post the release, but the gist of it was Santa asking Kane Brown fans to leave a voice mail of their Christmas desires rather than send letters this year. His message was direct but polite, never giving the specific reasoning behind his request, only that “these old eyes have a little trouble reading your writing.”

However, we’ve received word from an inside source that Santa’s missive was related to the undecipherable nature of the letters he received from members of the fanbase in recent years. “They looked like they were written by cavemen,” said an anonymous North Pole worker who asked us to refer to him as Toony. “Santa was all understanding and diplomatic like some fat Mr. Rogers, but I’m just gonna say those people are stupid as hell.”

Toony sent a jpeg of one letter that started “Deer Satan” written in hunting face-paint on a paper towel. Though the rest of the note was difficult to translate, it appeared the young man wanted either the game Modern Warfare or something to do with ‘model whores.’ Either request seems just as likely.

“Last year we just gave them all non-gender specific clothing and gift cards to save time because 90% of them were just scribbles and gibberish,” said Toony. “And a surprising amount of them came from prisons, or maybe not that surprising now that I’m thinking about it.”

Toony told us the voice messaging option was going fairly well so far, mostly thanks to technology. An AI listening system has been installed to take the calls and is doing an impressive job translating the yawps and grunts of the Kane Brown fans into gift requests, but he says the letters are still a running joke at Santa’s toy shop, passed around frequently by the elves. 

“One of them was clearly written in sidewalk chalk on the inside of a Playboy magazine cover,” laughed Toony. “It was obviously smeared beyond readability, but I did make out something about ‘booty shorts’…ho ho ho indeed.”

No Good Country Music Released Since ’79, Says Moron

Curmudgeonly country fan Carl Outlaw says that not a single good country song or album has been released since 1979. Despite the fact that Outlaw was born in the early 90s, he feels confident in his oblivious statement. 

“There ain’t been no good country since the heyday of Merle and Willie and Coe, and you can put that in your pipe and smoke it.” said the idiot, shuffling through his playlist that managed to exclude the likes of Johnny Cash, Dwight Yoakam, and The Judds. 

According to Carl, though not specifically mentioned, Patty Loveless sucks. He also believes, based on his time limits, that Jamey Johnson, Tyler Childers, Kelsey Waldon, and Turnpike Troubadours have all released subpar music unworthy of his attention. 

When asked about Johnny Cash’s renewed output from the nineties, he says “hipster bullshit…anything that snooty college kids like, I don’t like.” “If it doesn’t have a steel guitar, fiddle, acoustic guitars, and sad lyrics about dying of cirrhosis in a flophouse, it’s not good country,” continued Outlaw. “There have been no songs that fit that description in my entire lifetime and it makes me sad for the future of America.” 

The fool thinks Chris Stapleton and Sunny Sweeney are just awful, if we go by his own misguided cutoff date. Jason Boland and the Stragglers, Jamie Lin Wilson, Dale Watson, Cody Jinks, and Miranda Lambert are terrible as well.

When asked what he thought of Luke Bell’s self-titled traditional country gem from just a couple years ago, Outlaw replied “Luke Bryan, who’s she?”

The Crud Report: Christmas 2019 Edition

Small Town Way Sh**tier Than Country Songs Say

Auburn sophomore Paul Reynolds, home on Thanksgiving break, came to the startling realization that his hometown is way shittier than mainstream country songs say it is. In fact, just the drive back into his southern Georgia birthplace showed that it was a poorly-maintained, slowly dying crap-hole compared to the idyllic settings portrayed on the pop-country airwaves.

The old family-owned drugstore where he used to buy candy as a kid was now a payday loan with an ice cream counter. Where there wasn’t a pawn shop or high interest-rate financial scam business, there was a Walgreens or CVS. There were approximately 32 Dollar Generals. There was one Dollar General you could see another Dollar General from. Were there any Cole Swindell verses about Dollar Generals? 

Paul drove downtown, where country songs say the square is epicenter of tiny town culture. No teenagers were cruising, but there were about 5 of them in the vape shop that used to be a fancy cigar shop. He heard no bluegrass band playing on the plaza, but there were a couple of gunshots nearby. The beloved old men’s clothing store was now a hip wedding party venue for the private school set. Never heard about that in a Brantley Gilbert song.

Wednesday night, he figured he’d hit up his old high school friends to go out. Unfortunately, his buddy Matt had some sort of Facebook drama with his baby mama and couldn’t risk having his picture taken at the bar that night. Larry wasn’t home because he was in jail for selling pills. He thought about calling Kenneth, but Kenneth had a face tattoo now. Justin Moore never sang about this shit.

Throwing one last Hail Mary in an attempt to capture that throwback vibe of an Aldean tune, Paul went out and sipped a beer on a picnic table at the lake. Many a bonfire party and make-out session had taken place here, but tonight there was only one sketchy dude asking if he wanted to buy some meth. “Kiss my ass, Dustin Lynch” Paul told the confused narcotics dealer, before driving back to his folks’ house, completely sobered up. 

Mainstream Country Singer You’ve Never Heard of Announces Headlining Tour

A nondescript male who sings what they call country music these days has announced his first headlining tour. The gentleman, who recently notched his first unmemorable, inoffensive #1 hit at country radio, already has a tour bus with his generally-regarded-as-handsome-self performing, wrapped around its exterior. 

Dude’s debut single “Baby, Tonight, Yeah” hit number one on Country Aircheck in July after spending nearly a full year being pimped, prodded, and politicked to that peak. Even though his second single has been lingering in the upper-40s on the charts and not a single person outside maybe 62,000 fangirls could even pick this man out of a lineup of two people, his label thinks it’s time to take the step to playing medium sized clubs and sheds. 

Fella just came off another mildly successful tour supporting Cole Russell or Chris Tenpenny or somebody like that who also hit the top spot with their introductory big hit that neither you nor I can recall a mere 6 months after it’s ascension to the position of number one song in all of America.

“I’m just thrilled to get out there and give the fans my best,” beamed Mr. Bro-man. “We’ll play my entire EP and way too many covers and I think it’ll be a great time!” The guy’s management is busy getting all the merch ready - from throw pillows to boy shorts to beer koozies that will be sold in a yard sale next year - and they foresee big business. 

“This performer is coming off a hard-lobbied smash and it’s time to strike while at least the population of a small city knows who he is; we all know he may be playing state fairs in no time, so why not squeeze every dollar we can get out of this tall, handsome product?” laughed Jacob Dillerson, the singer’s publicist.

At press time, homeboy’s second single “Girl, My Truck Awaits” had just leapfrogged three well-written, interesting songs from women to climb into the top 40.

John Rich to Headline Christmas Tree Lighting at John Rich’s House

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, December 02, 2010 

John Rich, of Big & Rich and songwriting and solo fame, is slated to perform at and do the flip-switching honors for the Mt. Richmore Christmas Tree Lighting. The December 5th ceremony will commence with a mini-concert from Cowboy Troy, Gretchen Wilson and Kid Rock w/ Sebastian Bach. 

After igniting the resplendent purple and white LED beacons on the 20-foot Vermont balsam fir in the Mt. Richmore courtyard, superstar country singer John Rich will take the stage for a one-hour set of classic and contemporary country hits. 

Food will be available for purchase in the right atrium of the courtyard, with special guest cook Cowboy Troy grilling steaks and lobsters for guests' enjoyment. And, of course, there will be several outlets for attendees to "get their drank on." In addition to a main bar in the left atrium of the courtyard, there will also be a mini bar at the food concession and three rolling liquor carts to serve guests as they enjoy the holiday festivities. For VIP guests, there will also be drinks available in the elevator and bathrooms. 

"It's a huge honor to be at the head of the table, so to speak, for this great Christmas celebration!" beamed Rich at the press conference announcing the lighting. "Hopefully this will be an annual event... and I'd be happy to help out when I can, since it's for such a good cause." 

All profits from the concert will go to the Middle Tennessee RJRB (Replenish John Rich's Bar) Foundation and guests will receive an autographed 8x10 glossy of the country megastar wearing a Santa suit. Tickets will not be available for purchase, but Rich himself will visit local high school and community college campuses to hand out entry vouchers to "talented" students and co-eds. 

Wrapping up the press conference with a sales pitch, Rich smiled: "Come on out and celebrate Christ's holy birth, girls… uh, folks. Johnny Cash would be there if he was still alive." 

The Crud Report: November '19

Cajon Player Left in Cape Girardeau

Americana cajon player Jeff Coffee is stranded in Missouri. Formerly (?) with the band Beard Harvest, Coffee was left behind at a rest stop after a show in Cape Girardeau 8 months ago, and to date has not heard from a single member of the band.

From the moment the band’s Econoline pulled away from the Fruitland southbound rest stop on February 25th, Coffee was completely abandoned. “I don’t have any of those guys’ phone numbers,” he frowned. “Not even the bass player…. So I couldn’t call anybody to come back and get me; I just assumed they’d notice by the time they hit the Arkansas line at least.” 

Sadly, the up-and-coming roots rock group’s van never returned. Jeff, for his part, has moved on with his life, starting from scratch in the small river town. “I slept behind the Coke machines that night; damn it was cold,” he related. “But by the end of the next day I already had a job at the quick stop and a cot behind the beer cave.” 

Coffee has since put his college degree in education to use, getting a job as a music teacher at the middle school, and is even dating. “I know - it’s a bizarre story - one of the key members of a rising band just left in the middle of nowhere and starts a brand new life.” he smiled. When asked if he’s kept up with Beard Harvest in recent months, he just shakes his head solemnly. “I really don’t know how they’ve made it without me, I hope they’re doing well.”

When contacted on their brand new tour bus before the first night of their 3 sold out Ryman performances, Beard Harvest lead singer Conn Whitaker asked “Who?” regarding the cast-off percussionist.  “I didn’t know we had a full time cajon player; we’ve just been getting a random fan to play at shows - it’s not like it’s hard.”

Thomas Rhett to Dress Up as Country Singer For Halloween

Pop singer Thomas Rhett is looking for a costume for a Halloween party this weekend. He’s already chosen the theme - country singer - but he’s searching for the perfect presentation, visiting thrift stores and western wear outlets across Nashville. 

“I did a Google image search for ‘country singer’ and it came back with lots of western hats and boot-cut jeans and stuff,” says Rhett. “That’s so foreign to me - it’s always enlightening to see how other cultures live!” He tries on a huge foam cowboy hat but quickly returns it to the rack. “If they had it with a flat brim maybe.”

Rhett’s day to day wardrobe usually includes hip t-shirts, fitted pants, and high-dollar sneakers while his stage presence leans more toward tropical wear, varsity jackets, and custom denim. The aesthetics of country music fashion are a world away from his typical flair, but he’s digging it. “Ha, they call this a nude suit, I believe,” laughs Thomas, holding up a rhinestone and flower covered blue jacket. “I think old country dudes like Jeb Pierce and Porter Ladner used to wear these… such swag!”

After a couple of hours, Rhett has narrowed his selections down to an all black Johnny Cash-inspired ensemble or a Hank Sr. style outfit. “Did you know Hank had a father who was also a country singer?” asks Rhett. 

Still undecided at press time, Rhett seems excited about the impact he’ll make when he steps into the party as someone so different from himself. “They won’t even recognize me.”

Nashville Song Plugger Swings Dead Cat, Hits Bachelorette

Nashville song plugger Larry Weathers has been charged with assault and is also being investigated for possible animal cruelty after he struck and injured bride-to-be Brayley Lynn Smith with a deceased feline on Thursday evening. 

Weathers was trying to make a point to Jenny Lindsay, a young songwriter and recent Nashville arrival, when the incident occurred. "I don't even know where he got the cat; it was just suddenly in his hand and he was twirling it," said Lindsay. "It was pretty wild." 

Smith suffered a contusion to her left elbow and lacerations about her face and hands from falling off the pedal tavern. "It was the damnedest thing," mused Smith. "I was so drunk I didn’t think it was really happening, but I think I got some fur in my mouth.” 

Weathers, who maintains that the animal was already deceased when he swung it, explained: "I was trying to illustrate to (Jenny Lindsay) the amount of competition she's up against in this town. You know… 'you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a songwriter in this town'… I assumed I'd just graze an Erik Dylan or an Ashley Gorley to show her how many great writers there are here. I didn't mean for this to happen." 

Ironically, the bachelorette has offered to drop all charges against Mr. Weathers if he can get a couple of songs Smith wrote pitched to Luke Combs.

By Trailer - Origin version posted on Country California January 17, 2009 (updated)

New Americana Singer Searching for Just the Right Stupid Looking Hat

Aramy Turner, an Americana singer from Jackson, TN has spent several days searching for just the right look. He and his band, The Loosies, are about to do the photo shoot for their debut album and Turner is working himself into a tizzy in his quest for “authenticity.”

“I can’t do a cowboy hat because the Texas crowd will eat me alive on social media for not wearing it with just the right crease or something,” he fretted. “And the Texas scene is definitely a market where we want to get a foothold demographically …uh, I mean, them fans is real and shucks, we just want to play ‘em good music!”

Turner tries on a porkpie hat and smiles. “That’s what I’d love to wear, because I’m a hipster from way back, but I know Farce the Music would make fun of me, not that they have quite as much clout since the bro-country era, according to our data… um, I mean, I’m just gonna go a different direction so I look more natural.” said Aramy, giving a little too much away. “And I can’t do a flat cap because I’ve never been in a hardcore band.” 

The Loosies, for their part declined the invitation to shop for headwear with their mouthpiece, settling on trucker caps and fishing hats they already owned, and the label approved. Turner knows that he’ll be a focal point in the promotion though, so he’s struggling to strike that perfect balance between fashion plate and “real hard-working salt-of-the-earth type who just happens to sing songs about loss of train culture and raising the minimum wage.”

“I can’t look like I tried too hard, even though that’s what I’m doing right now,” laughed Turner. “And I also can’t do the Luke Combs thing where it looks like he just pulled out a beer-stained hat that was stuck in some gum under his truck seat.” 

At press time, Turner was working with a haberdasher to custom design a fedora/cowboy hat hybrid that would hide his receding hairline and set off his beard just right.

Tool Dresses as Kenny Chesney to Attend Kenny Chesney Concert

Local tool, in his usual attire

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California April 09, 2009 - Idea by Mr. Wilcox

Local tool and fan of "whatever the country station is playing," Morty 'Mo' Haas, dressed up as Kenny Chesney to attend Friday's Kenny Chesney concert. The idea first came to Mo after a shower, as he stared through a heavy cloud of Axe at his image in the fogged mirror and realized just how much he looked like the superstar from east Tennessee. The male pattern baldness, the insane guns, the extraordinarily average visage, the 5 foot 5 stature... it all added up. 

Two hours later, Mo and his buddy Chaz Vance stepped into the Mohegan Sun Arena dressed to kill... margaritas. Mo was clad in a sleeveless Hooters t-shirt, a rumpled cowboy hat bought at a garage sale, tattered size 36 Rustler jeans that took 10 minutes to stretch over his meaty thighs and a pair of Corona flip flops. His buddy Chaz dressed as one of Kenny's guitar players, wearing jeans and a t-shirt of some indie rock band he'd never actually heard of (R.E.M.). All the fine ladies drooled and the guys mad-dogged as they strode into the arena, Mo later reported. 

When Kenny hit the stage, singing some song about feet or Yoohoos or something, most of the fans were staring at Mo, thinking he was actually Kenny singing from the audience, reported Chaz. 

"The resemblance was disturbing" says April Curtis, who was also at the concert on Friday. "I had seats near that guy, but me and my girlfriends moved down into some empty seats because his hairy gut kept popping out from under his too-tight shirt and bumping my elbow; I nearly mouth-vomited." 

By the midway point, Chaz and Mo were so deep into the $8 margaritas that arena security officials were watching them closely. "That tool in the stretch jeans kept telling girls he actually was Kenny and that his stunt double was filling in for him tonight so he could chill with all the sexy honeys," said Rufus Long, Mohegan Sun rent-a-cop director, "and the other sleazebag was 'screening' girls for him." 

Their conduct, although pathetic, never warranted an arrest during the show, but section FF was completely devoid of females by the encore. As he and Chaz stumbled out womanless, Mo bought a $35 t-shirt as a memento of the event and promptly ripped the sleeves off. 

Side note: This basically came true 3 years later.

The Crud Report: October '19

Morgan Wallen Recites Pledge of Allegiance; Fans Assume He Wrote It

A viral video from a recent Morgan Wallen concert has tongues wagging and fans swooning. No, it’s not the clip of the cute little girl singing Wallen lyrics. It’s a 24 second video of the up-and-coming mullet-headed country singer reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, and the reactions have been perplexing.

On the video, Wallen appears, hand on chest before a waving flag on the back screen, saying those familiar words we all learned in grade school. His band softly plays “America the Beautiful” and the crowd is hushed as the solemn words fill the amphitheater. They erupt when he’s finished, and more than a few posted the moment to YouTube almost immediately.

In the 72 hours since its posting, the clearest of the videos has garnered 105,000 views and 150 comments. It has also spread on Facebook and Twitter over the past couple days. Many of the responders seem convinced that Wallen himself wrote the pledge, which was originally composed by Capt. George Thatcher Balch during the Civil War. 

Lucy Griffiths of Waco, TX, said on Facebook: “This man makes me so proud to be an American. How has know one every written a love poem for the flag before? (Sic)” Her post had 10k views, 250 shares, and 56 comments, all fawning over the supposed Wallen-scribed pledge. This was one of hundreds of posts, most describing Wallen as the “ultimate patriot” or “more smarter than most dudes what wears sleeveless shirts.” 

Twitter was also abuzz, featuring many tweets like the 2 above. Another, from ILucyWallen said “first he wrote the beautiful “Cover Me Up” (editor's note: actually written and recorded first by Jason Isbell) and now this!! Morgan is an artistic genius, full stop.” Patriotic party-poopers soon ratioed the Morgan Wallen fans into deleting the tweets or quitting Twitter.

At press time, Wallen’s camp had no comment on the viral video, and he was reportedly busy working a shift at his friend’s fireworks stand.

The Crud Report: September '19

Garth Brooks Near Destitution

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, March 26, 2013 

Garth Brooks is nearly broke. 

The somber, emaciated (for him) 51-year-old across the table from our correspondent stood in stark contrast to the color-block shirted, barrel-chested wild man of Nashville memory as he confessed that "girls are expensive." 

Despite 200 million in album sales, years of sold out concert tours and an estimated $350 million in career earnings, the country legend is surviving on Spam and saltine crackers these days as he plots his comeback. "I know, I know... I've seen all those VH1 specials about guys like MC Hammer and thought, how the hell did they go through all that money?" admitted Brooks, pulling at a loose thread on his 2008 Old Navy America t-shirt. 

Brooks put his career on hiatus in 2001 to see his daughters through high school and into college. The costs of his divorce that year and the upbringing of three girls was a far greater financial strain than any of his fans might have imagined. "Well, Sandy got half and the girls got the other half," chuckled Garth, sipping Big K Cola from a can. "I didn't know Bratz cost so damn much." 

"I've also burned through most of Trisha's money with some bad investments," he continued, with a tear the size of a quarter building in his left eye. "The pager store franchise went under in '02... damn cell phones. And my personal brand of offensively bright shirts for big and tall men never got off the ground due to a sweat-shop scandal." 

His three-year Vegas run only put a band-aid on the problem as bills and tuition costs slowly ate away at Brooks' remaining fortune. "I've lost 60 pounds, man; all my old 'Mo' Bettas look like circus tents on me now. I'm going in for a third mortgage on the mansion." 

A potential comeback is in the cards, though the 26-year Nashville vet is not currently aligned with a record label. "Borchetta is interested in a comeback album, but he's not sure I'll fit the Big Machine mold. Hell, I guess I'd do auto-tune and sing about trucks... I need some money, pardner!" said Brooks. 

The "Friends in Low Places" superstar bid us adieu for his afternoon Starbucks shift with these off-topic words: "Everybody blames me for pop-country, but I'm Hank Sr. compared to folks these days..." 

At press time, Scott Borchetta had passed on Garth Brooks for a 19-year-old community college dropout with a five o'clock shadow and an intriguing chin scar. 

Hick-Hop Cruise Returns to Port Amidst Reports of Chaos and Crime

The Kinfoke Krewz, a Gulf of Mexico excursion featuring country rapper Big Smo, Twang & Round, Lenny Cooper and others, has returned to port in New Orleans amid chaos and reports of crime and illness. 243 of the estimated 703 passengers were arrested once the ship returned shore, on charges ranging from minor assault and underage drinking to kidnapping and drug manufacturing. 

The Carnival cruise ship was scheduled to have a stopover in an unspecified Mexican port on Thursday, but the company and Coast Guard officials said the trip had been cut short due to “a multitude of infractions great and small, and a general prevalence of unsanitary conditions and unhealthfulness.” 

Before the trip even got underway, several ocean-goers were stopped at the boarding gates attempting to drive their ATVs onto the ramp. The vehicles were stowed in cruise line storage and the passengers were finally allowed aboard.

“They said on the message board that we were gone have a mud bog on the party deck, so I brung my Polaris, but they wouldn’t let me on with the damn thing.” said Timmy “Swaydawg” Thomas of Cary, NC. “They best not be a scratch on it when I get back or somebody a** gettin’ stomped.”

Country rapper/reality star Big Smo

Once at sea, situations took an immediately dire turn. All 7 of the women on board (3 of those being hired bikini models) reported harassment incidents to ship security staff within the first 5 hours. Officers were unable to detain any suspects due to nearly every male aboard fitting the description of “moderate height, overweight white guy with sparse facial hair and a Confederate flag tattoo.”

There were multiple fights, 57 reports of alcohol poisoning, 78 thefts, and one abduction. One man fell from a viewing deck into a stairwell trying to catch a vape pen. Fortunately, his girthy stature prevented serious injuries. A convention room had to be turned into a makeshift brig due to overcrowding in the existing facility.

The itinerary, already on shaky ground, was finally brought to an end by several outbreaks of Norovirus, lice, and an unnamed pustulating neck rash. “The hygiene of this group was questionable, to be polite.” said ship captain Paul Childers, “Do they have showers in the Carolinas and Georgia?”

At press time, the passengers of the canceled Kinfoke Krewz were all waiting in line to get in Pat O’Brien’s.

*fake news*