The Crud Report: November 2020

Graphic Designers Decry Trend of Singers Designing Own Album Covers

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, April 01, 2011 

Freddie Robison of Ink Media Designs in Nashville is pissed. "Who do they think they are?!" he rants. "I went to school for this sh*t. And you wonder why every other new cover uses Bleeding Cowboys font…" 

The music industry's downturn in recent years has been a challenge to design firms specializing in art and marketing for the music industry, but the latest wrinkle is proving to be the most disconcerting. 

"I got an email directly from a major country star a couple of weeks ago," explained Robison. "I won't say who, but it rhymes with 'rustin' chore.' Anyway, it said 'This is the artwork for my new album cover, please check to make sure it's ready for printing.'" Robison continued: "There was nothing attached so I replied and let him know. The next email had a .html file attached that wouldn't open in any software I own. I replied again and said that I'd need a high-res tiff or jpeg file. Well, I got a jpeg, but it was 100x100 pixels and 72 dpi. It went on like this for some time before I just redesigned the damn thing myself and didn't charge him." 

Robison went on to say that he wasn't picking on "rustin' chore" in particular, but that this was now the rule, not the exception. More and more – their cash stretched thin from declining album sales – artists have turned to writing their own songs… and now, designing their own album and website art. 

This has resulted in reduced productivity among prepress professionals and graphic artists across the Nashville area. Missing fonts, lack of bleed, RGB color, bad file types, corrupt files, low resolution photographs and other issues have been reported in multitude. 

"Seriously though, how hard can you pinch a dime? My firm gets $85-100 bucks an hour for this… I don't even take home a quarter of that. It's hard to keep gas in a Maybach, I guess," pondered Robison. 

Robison also told us of one flat-chested female singer who'd simply used Photoshop Elements to copy and paste Kim Kardashian's chest over her own for her inner sleeve photo. "And she used Comic Sans for her lyrics… I mean, WTF?" 

Luke Bryan Reveals “Resting Poop Face” Diagnosis

In a recent Instagram post, country superstar Luke Bryan revealed that he has recently suffered from a debilitating condition. Its medical name is Resting Defecation Face and rather than pontificate on his situation, we’ll simply copy and paste the text from his own Instagram account:

I’ve got a lot of comments about my beard lately and thought I’d come out and address the reasons for it. It’s not because I’ve got lazy during the pandemic or nothing. I mean, I’ve relaxed a lot more but I still got them abs baby! Still gonna shake it for y’all when we get to tour again! Looking forward to seeing everybody on the road, hopefully next year! But let’s get serious for a minute. My wife (and some of you) had mentioned to me that I always have a particular expression in the photos where I ain’t smiling. To be honest, Carolyn just came out and said “You looking like you’re taking a big dump.” LOL. 

So anyway, I started looking through all my promo photos in the last few years and she was right! I look like I got the beer and meat sweats and I’m struggling on the throne, LOL. I got my wife to take some pictures of me so I could try a different look, but it was no use. My face was stuck that way! I started growing this beard to help distract from it, but now people are telling me it makes me look even more like a creepy dude pinching a loaf. So I went to the doctor to see if I might have a problem. It wasn’t 5 minutes before he knew the problem. Resting Defecation Face! He says it’s a real thing! It’s where a person’s relaxed facial expression gives the impression that they are growing a tail! The focused in the distance eyes, the curled lips, the exposed teeth, the general air of distress. It’s a real condition! Carolyn calls it Resting Poop Face, LMAO. 

I promise y’all I ain’t filling my skinny jeans in those pictures. It’s just natural I guess. The doctor is giving me some facial exercises to try and reshape the structure, but I may be stuck like this. Maybe it’ll catch on and be a cool new Tik Tok challenge or whatever the #lukebryanpoopfacechallenge LOL! Again, I’m seriously not dropping kids off at the pool in those photos! I’m not that old yet! 

Anyway, I just thought y’all should know. Please keep me and my dookie face in your thoughts and prayers and we request privacy at this time.

~LB

-------

Inspired by Joshua Wallace tweet.

Morgan Wallen Fans Announce Boycotts Over SNL Drop

 

Two weekends ago, Morgan Wallen spent his Saturday drinking and canoodling with sorority girls at the University of Alabama. One weekend ago, Wallen was supposed to make his Saturday Night Live debut, but that didn’t happen. Due to its COVID policies, SNL was forced to replace Wallen with singer/songwriter/guitarist Jack White, and fans of the mulleted pop-country singer are not pleased.

“It don’t exist… Covid don’t exist!” said Laura Hagar of South Carolina, “It’s a liberal hoax to make sure Sleepy Joe wins the election. And now it’s hurt my baby, Morgan!” Hagar has seen over 20 Wallen concerts and even has his autograph tattooed across her C-section scar. “And I seen people on Facebook talking down on him cause he was kissing them girls even though he’s got a new baby. B**ch, life don’t end just cause you daddy. Anyway, I will never watch MBC again. (sic)”

Larry Keel, another Wallen fan, is taking a similar approach. “I’m boycotting Saturday Night Live, starting 22 years ago because that’s when I was born, and I’ve never watched it,” he said. “And I’m not gone start now - they coulda brought him out there in a HAZMAT suit… it’s bullsh**.”

The Morgan Wallen Nation, a fan page on Facebook, has declared that it will boycott NBC, SNL, and all of Saturday Night Live’s sponsors, including Bud Light and Apple. “Axe Body Spray is going to be a tough one, but I’m sure there are options out there to keep us smelling like if tribal tattoos were an odor.” read one post. 

“Who the hell is Jake White?” asked one fan on Twitter. “I watched him for 10 seconds and he was to ugly for me too look at. Give me my sexy country boy SNL!!!” 

Wallen, for his part, has apologized for his behavior and for ruining his opportunity. “I think I have some growing up to do.” said the singer.

At press time, a subset of his fans have taken exception to his contriteness, calling him a “soy boy” and a “cuck” and vowing to throw their support to Luke Combs.

Americana Singer Actually Should Shut Up and Sing

Roots rock singer/songwriter Alessa Torrance is facing a problem not new to artists of her ilk. Fans and casual listeners alike are constantly telling her to “shut up and sing.” In most cases, that phrase is used to express discomfort with the political opinions a singer is putting forth on social media or between songs at concerts. However, in Alessa’s case, it seems like a good idea.

“She’s always talking about her toenail fungus.” said Jerry Lucas, a fan of Torrance since 2008. “It’s really disgusting and I’d rather hear her misguided opinions about the border wall than foot hygiene.”

Another concert-goer told us Alessa was obsessing about a mole on her back during the show he attended. “She even stopped mid-song one time to pull her shirt up and show it to an RN in the audience.” said Bill Phillips of Des Moines, “She was convinced it was skin cancer, but I just wanted her to entertain me.”

Many country and Americana singers are met with disapproval for sharing their thoughts on Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Covid-19, the economy, and other topics in these divided times. Artists such as Tyler Childers and Chris Stapleton have faced backlash for their songs and comments regarding racial tensions. Perhaps Ms. Torrance is the proper focus of this ire. 

“My snot is green… is that normal????” read a concerned tweet from Torrance this past Tuesday. She has also had recent rants and worry sessions about: periods, migraines, pimples, a bout of diarrhea, ingrown hairs, toilet paper, scabs, nausea, and many other personal matters.

“I’d rather have her call me an inbred idiot for supporting Trump than listen to her talk about ear wax on stage.” said Marcy Peterson of Tallahassee, “Her hypochondria is very tiresome; she may need some counseling.”

At press time, Torrance was considering Instagramming a rash to see if anybody thought it was scabies. 

The Crud Report: October 2020

Kane Brown Feared Lost Backstage at the Opry

Since recording his performance of "Worldwide Beautiful" for the ACM Awards with his band last weekend, country star Kane Brown has not been heard from. After an hours long search of the backstage area, his band, crew, and management gave up looking, optimistically assuming he'd simply gone home.

"Officially, we believe he left without telling anyone goodbye or answering calls or messages since last weekend," said an anonymous member of Kane's crew. "But if you ask me, his ass is lost again. And if he is, he is truly the Tom Brady of getting your ass lost, because the only dark halls or tunnels there are like for underground utilities."

Brown received national attention last month as he revealed that he had recently been lost on his own 30 acre property. That incident led to he and his wife having to call the police to help locate them. The debacle birthed many memes and jokes at Brown's expense. Whether he's truly missing or not this time is still unknown.

"I think it's a Spinal Tap moment in reverse," said another anonymous member of Brown's staff. "He left stage and has been just forever walking through the tunnels and catacombs of the building saying 'Hello Nashville' to himself or something. I hope he's okay."

Brown's performance of "Worldwide Beautiful" Wednesday night was pre-recorded earlier in the week due to the constraints and restrictions of the COVID pandemic.

At press time, Opry janitors reported hearing strange bellowing sounds "like someone singing through a fart" in the bowels of the facility.

Zac Brown Band's "Whatever It Is" Chosen for STD Awareness Campaign

by Trailer - Originally Posted on Country California May 26, 2009 

The Zac Brown Band's recent smash "Whatever It Is" will be featured in an upcoming STD awareness ad campaign, reports the group's manager Turk Peeny. 

"We all got a good laugh out of it when they first called," said Peeny, referring to the nonprofit group Gone-orrhea's initial request. "I mean, 'she's got whatever it is', yeah, it works both ways... but this is a love song and the band didn't want it to be associated with STDs." 

When Gone-orrhea came calling a second time, though, Brown realized that the opportunity was one that his group, currently touring in support of their platinum disc The Foundation, could not afford to pass up. Long story short, Zac and bandmates agreed to license the song and retool its female-appreciative lyrics into something more on point. Only the chorus of the revised version is used in the ad spot, as the verses were deemed a little too sexual for prime time. 

The commercial depicts a young couple considering amorous relations before ultimately deciding upon the girl getting her genital inflammation checked out by a gynecologist as Zac sings "She's got whatever it is, getting tested today." As the spot fades, the line "gotta take that Cipro pill, cause baby I love you" accompanies the couple dancing in the rain. 

When asked if they'd be performing this version of the song during their popular live shows, Mr. Brown said it would depend on how much cold beer he had on a Friday night. 

At press time, Gone-orrhea was in talks with Rodney Atkins about repurposing the song "It's America" as "It's Chlamydia." 

Kid Rock Takes First Bath in 25 Years

Spurred on by his idea to “wed” country legend Loretta Lynn in a publicity stunt this past weekend, hip-hop/country/rocker Robert James Ritchie (aka Kid Rock) recently took his first bath since 1995. 

Mr. Rock, who is mostly just famous for being famous these days, has always been known for his grungy appearance and disheveled clothing but he felt that Loretta Lynn deserved him at his best for their ‘nuptials.’ “I couldn’t marry the queen of country music smelling like …everything and most of it bad…” said Ritchie. “Had to get fresh!”

He reported that the actual act of bathing was a several hour process, requiring multiple cleansing products and several semi-hazardous chemicals. “If I’m being honest,” Kid grinned. “There was a chisel, sandpaper, and a hammer involved.” The bath even had a title sponsor: Mean Green.

Known for his outlandish lifestyle, Rock never bothered to take even a quick shower during the past 25 years, saying he was too busy partying. A Republican, he once ran for US Senate and did not even wash his hands during the entire campaign, which also turned out to be yet another publicity stunt. 

“When I was finally through with my bath, you never seen such a f***ing bathtub ring,” he laughed. “If it was on the floor, you’d trip over it.” Rock said there was dirt, sawdust, parking tickets, grease, marijuana stems, an unidentified white powder, stripper glitter, and hair present in the layer of filth circling his tub. He had to hire ServiceMaster to return his bathroom to its pristine condition. “Might be a few years before I’m back in there, but I want it nice for company.” said Ritchie.

At press time, Loretta Lynn was being given a thorough medical exam after her contact with Kid Rock last weekend. 

The Crud Report: September 2020

New Country Act "Megadeth" Signs With Big Machine

"David" Mustaine

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California March 03, 2011

Scott Borchetta today announced the signing of Megadeth to a three-record deal with Big Machine. Lead singer Dave Mustaine was on hand for the press conference, wearing a Megadeth logo-emblazoned (now in the Bleeding Cowboys font) pearl snap shirt and cowboy hat. 

"We're just excited to explore this awesome genre. For years, Megadeth has been a mainstay in hard rock and thrash metal, but we've always had a soft spot for the music that truly makes this country great," explained Mustaine. "If you look back at uh, well... the liner notes for Peace Sells... you'll see that we've always thanked people for their support... and uh, that kind of appreciation is a tenet of country music." 

The newly clean-shorn Dave continued: "I've got all of Johnny Cash's records, and I just love the subject matter of country. Murder, drinking, death, spirituality, murder... you know, those are things I love to sing about." 

"We'll have to maybe dial down some of the political rhetoric and bloodshed a bit, but I think this established band's work translates well to the country market," said Borchetta. "Besides, most of the older demographic we're shooting for grew up listening to Metallica and Megadeth, so that's where the money is!" 

He added: "Oops, did I say that out loud?" 

Megadeth's single "Sweating Budweiser" will be sent to country radio on April 1, with a full album entitled Vic Rattlehead Loves America to be released in early summer. A supporting tour for Rascal Flatts will follow. 

Mainstream Country Festival With No Singers Draws 30,000

What if you threw a country music festival and no artists came? Well that’s what happened just outside Pembroke, GA this past weekend, and the event drew an estimated 30,211 drunken revelers. 

DirtyFest, a music festival promoted as “a day of tunes, beer, and buds,” took place this past Saturday without a stage and without a single country music artist performing, yet snarled county traffic and filled a hay field with throngs of fans. 

“It was lit.” said ‘event promoter’ Jake Chadderson. “Been bored as s**t for 7 months so I just figured we’d get some folks together and party!” He said that the idea was to recreate a country music festival to such a degree that nobody would even notice there wasn’t anybody singing up on stage. 

“Me and my boys never watch the concert anyway, and we couldn’t afford anybody we’ve heard of to play, so f*** it, we just had a throwdown.” said Chadderson. “They don’t even play Lil Uzi Vert or Post Malone at country concerts, so this was better anyway. We just had big speakers up all over the place playing our Spotify playlists.” 

To get the true ambiance of a country festival, vendors sold $9 tallboys and $5 waters, overpriced undercooked sausage dogs, and $40 t-shirts. There were plenty of mud holes, long lines for the few port-a-potties, and lax security. 

Festival goers reported multiple fights during the event’s 7 hour running time. “It was just like a normal country festival,” laughed Karyn Lowe of Smyrna. “Twerking, fighting, drinking… whooo! Just like my last Luke Bryan show or whoever that was.”

Many attendees didn’t even seem to realize there were no bands or singers. “You’re bulls******* me. I know I saw Kane Brown playing,” said Randy Kettering of Tallahassee. “I mean, I just go to shows to get b****es so I don’t really pay attention, but my boy told me Dustin Lynch played a good set on the South stage. But he was pretty drunk, so…” 

Chadderson told us the $79 ticket was to cover the insurance for the event. “And the prize money for the Tik Tok W.A.P. dance challenge.”

Country Fan Sure His “Boobies!” Reply on Instagram Will Make Maren Morris Fall for Him

Carl Outlaw of Pensacola, FL and self-described fan of “real country music,” believes a recent Instagram comment will deliver him country star Maren Morris away from her husband, singer Ryan Hurd. 

Last week, Morris posted a shot of herself in a beautiful tropical dress enjoying a cold beverage beside a golf course. The dress is burgundy and gold and tastefully revealing. Morris’ comment with the photo was “at least margaritas still exist this year.” Shortly after the IG post, Outlaw set into action.

Simply replying “Boobies!” with 2 basketball emojis, Outlaw confirmed his visual recognition that Maren in fact possesses breasts, and that he approves of their appearance. “I love the internet! I don’t have to holler at girls on the corner anymore - I can just do it on Instagram.” laughed Outlaw. “I know she’s gonna be flattered and leave that pop country singing loser, Ryan Turd.” 

When asked if he was a fan of Maren Morris’ music, Mr. Outlaw replied that he had never heard it. “I just follow her for the bikini pics,” he said. “It’s a free country.”

Outlaw felt sure that once Morris saw his reply, she’d take one look at his account and fall in love immediately. “When she finds out that I like shooting stuff, drinking Miller Lite, and cursing at politicians online, I know it’s gonna be on sight.” he laughed. “I’ve got a snooker table too.” 

While it is a common occurrence for male fans to point out the body part that is to their liking on female celebrities and influencers’ posts, it’s uncertain how many of these communications lead to romance. 

At press time, Maren was deleting the comment.

Chris Young Too Big For His Britches Lately

#fakenewsclassic by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California February 15, 2011 

According to various sources, since ringing up his third consecutive #1 hit, Chris Young has become quite a diva. 

"Voices" has solidified Young's standing as a consistent hitmaker, and he's taking full advantage of his status. 

"His backstage rider was typical and manageable up until his song hit the top of the charts," said Knoxville venue manager James Houston. "Then we got faxed a replacement order that very day that was just nuts." 

"Originally he'd just asked for a meat and cheese tray, water, cola, and beer. Now, he wanted a boiled shrimp ring, 'real' New Orleans King cake (with a gold baby in it), bottled Arctic ice water, chipped ice, heated massage recliners, ten bottles of chilled special edition Grey Goose vodka… and that was just for starters. We had to have that King cake overnighted to us." 

Fans have reported similar behavior. "I wanted an autograph for my niece. He did sign my photo, with a sneer on his face… it looked like 'CRuMy' on there… and then he put his hand out like he wanted a tip," said Alesha Grant of Winston-Salem, NC. "His assistant told me that $5 was a fair amount to ask for 'Mr. Young's' signature… I just walked off. Really, Chris? And what's with the little dog in the man bag?" 

Young's new single "Tomorrow" has already been made available to select radio stations, based on criteria chosen by the singer himself. Chris Young's Facebook page had this statement regarding the new single: "Radio stations who played 'Voices' the first time I released it get 'Tomorrow' first... and to all the haters who didn't, you'll just have to wait for the official release. Hate on." 

According to Rascal Flatts' tour manager, Young has also asked for extended time for his opening set on their tour, and has been cracking "Gary LeVox is so fat…" jokes at nearly every show. 

Currently dating whichever Kardashian sister is single this week, Young had no comment at press time. 

The Crud Report: August 2020

Report: Nobody Gives a Sh** What Famous Country Singers Are Doing During Quarantine

Reports from every American man and woman, regardless of political belief or musical preference, on Friday said they do not give one solitary shit what famous country singers are doing to pass time during the COVID-19 quarantine.

Despite numerous attempts by Taste of Country and PopCulture.com, not a single story of singers drinking coffee and reading to their kids has piqued the interest of normal everyday citizens. While Americans realized the difficulty of finding interesting news during this difficult time, they were resolute in their belief that “this ain’t it, chief.” 

“I’m only working 20 hours a week and the PPP and my stimulus check have run out so I’m worried about paying the mortgage,” said Rena Hopson of Kalamazoo, MI. “So no, I am not interested in how Luke Bryan is doing Tik Tok videos with his beautiful wife on their sprawling farm… call me cynical, I call me a realist.” 

Even TMZ has taken to peeking in the windows of country stars like Jason Aldean and Thomas Rhett to see how they’re coping with the pandemic. “Aldean appeared to be fussing at his daughter for playing Animal Crossing when she was supposed to be taking out the trash.” said a breathless paparazzi reporter for the rag. Again, this did nothing to snatch the attention of any human being upon the earth, who were each dealing with their own issues at the present time. 

“I understand that there’s nothing going on, so they have to get creative with their content,” laughed Azid Parah of Pensacola. “But I have kids to keep busy and bills to pay, so I do not give even one damn what kind of sourdough Kelsea Ballerini is baking this week.” 

At press time, The Boot was interviewing Florida-Georgia Line about their favorite episode of Unsolved Mysteries. 

Record Store Looted, Luke Bryan Albums Untouched

Portland’s Portobello Records near Laurelhurst Park was ransacked and looted on Thursday night during the ongoing protests and unrest occurring in the city. The store was reported to be nearly a total loss. 

Owner Jason Anderson reported damages in upwards of $67,000. Shelves were overturned, walls were vandalized, records were stolen, Five Finger Death Punch t-shirts were burned, and the cash register was emptied of its entire $1.45. 

“They left every single CD and vinyl record of Luke Bryan untouched though,” laughed Anderson. “Usually we just sell those to tourists anyway, but he’s not thaaat bad, right?” He told us there was even a polite letter scrawled in blood on the Bryan records that said simply “No thanks.”

Besides the country hunk’s records, every other CD, cassette tape, vinyl, and even a few 8-tracks were stolen from Portobello. That includes Creed, Nickelback, Soulja Boy, Hoobastank, Lil Xan, LMFAO, 6ix9ine, Puddle of Mudd, and even Coldplay. “I could have resold a lot of leftovers on eBay or some other secondary market, but I mean, if they wouldn’t even steal Luke Bryan albums, I guess they’re worthless,” said Anderson, rummaging through the debris.

“Oh, actually here are a few other records they didn’t take,” said Anderson, finding a full crate under some rubble. “Florida-Georgia Line, Dustin Lynch, Thomas Rhett… weird.” 

The looters, believed to be one group pretending to be Antifa and another group pretending to be right wingers, both intending to frame the other, were not identifiable in store security footage. If you have information that could lead to an arrest in the case, contact Portland Crimestoppers. 

Georgia Touts “Better” Red Dirt Scene

The Georgia Department of Economic Development’s Tourism division is launching a new promotion to bring attention to the state’s country music scene, but they may be stepping on some toes. “Our dirt is redder,” laughed department chair Henry Dix. “And better.”

That’s even the tagline for the advertising campaign, which will appear in major print publications and a nationwide television advertisement. The marketing format seems to claim that Georgia’s “red dirt” music scene is greater than that of the beloved (and much longer lived as an actual scene) Oklahoma network of songwriters and musicians. 

Hank Dix, Tourism Director

Farce the Music spoke with Dix about the Georgia Red Dirt promotion.

---

FTM: You’re aware that Oklahoma has had a Red Dirt scene for decades, and that Georgia has never had a music scene by that name?

Dix: Indeed! Otherwise, our motto wouldn’t make sense. Better than what?? Better than Oklahoma, that’s what! And we do really have red dirt.

FTM: Great. So, you’ve either just copied the nomenclature from an existing format of music, or pulled it out of your a** and expect it to take? You can’t give yourself a nickname.

Dix: Think of it as “giving that name a better home.” Good artists copy, great artists steal… as they say. If you look at it by pure sales, our scene dwarfs theirs in every category. Thus, we plan to trademark the term, and possibly allow them to continue its use in lower case. 

FTM: That’s some shady dealing there, but all’s fair in business it seems. You say your artists sell better. Who, exactly, are you considering to be “Red Dirt” in the Georgia music scene?

Dix: Have you ever heard of Luke Bryan? I thought so. That man alone has sold more albums and concert tickets than nearly every ragweed from Oklahoma combined. Oh, and we claim half of Florida-Georgia Line too. Just half their sales puts us over the entirety of their artists when added to Bryan’s sales. Then there’s Brantley Gilbert, a more humble and soulful songwriter than ever existed in Still Waters. 

FTM: It’s “Stillwater.” And hold up. You’re claiming national artists who have already made it in the mainstream as “Red Dirt” artists? 

Dix: And why not? They’re from here, many still live here, and they play here once or twice a year on tour. They bring more to our economy than Stoney LaDue ever brought to that dust bowl.

FTM: Gross. And it’s “LaRue.” You don’t even know what a music scene is, do you? 

Dix: Music evolves, terminology evolves. They’re just jealous. Justin Boland couldn’t shine Colt Ford’s boots. 

FTM: It’s “Jason” Boland. And their scene isn’t about platinum sales and laser shows and dancing at concerts. It’s about integrity and the love of music. You’re making a mockery of the name Red Dirt.

Dix: I’ll tell you about mockery. Nobody ever heard of 90% of their so-called artists. If music isn’t popular, it isn’t good. It’s about the bottom line, not well-written lines. Who the hell are the Red Dirt Rangers, LMAO (he said this aloud)? Are they some redneck Power Rangers? And the Turnrow Troubadours? LOL (again, said out loud), they got Yoko’d before they could even sell out Bridgestone. 

FTM: That’s offensive, and I’ve heard enough, and it’s “Turnpike.” You are an idiot.

Dix: And a good day to you too, sir! Before I go, everybody make sure to check out our up and coming Red Dirt® artists Sam Hunt, Jason Aldean, and Thomas Rhett!!

FTM: F**k off.

----

At press time, Oklahoma’s Red Dirt scene had just claimed Garth Brooks, and taken the lead in the sales category.

Local Man Arrested for Arrested for Vandalizing Luke Bryan T-Shirts

Local mechanic and noted country music fan Reginald Spears, 48, was arrested on Thursday morning for vandalism and destruction of property. He was booked and released on bail after spending an hour in county. Spears’ popular Twitter account tweeted “My wife shouldn’t take me to town, heh heh” that afternoon, likely in regards to the incident. 

On Thursday at 11:00 a.m., Jessica Chamberlain, proprietor of So So Cute Women’s Wear reported to police that a man was drawing on t-shirts with a marker or paint pen. She says she asked him to leave the premises when she noticed it, and that he politely complied, but returned to “put the finishing touches on one drawing.” That’s when Chamberlain called the cops. 

“His wife is a sweetheart… I asked her not to bring him back in here again though; he’s crazy but at least he was wearing a mask, I guess.” she said, shaking her head.

Spears was arrested without incident in the parking lot. “He’s usually a gentleman when we have to arrest him.” laughed sheriff’s deputy Cody Westling. “It’s been a while, so I told him we’d missed him.” 

So So Cute maintains a section of Luke Bryan clothing, dedicated to the country superstar who was born only a hundred miles or so from the store. Chamberlain said that when Mr. Spears noticed it, he went out to his truck and returned holding something (which turned out to be a handful of Sharpies and puff paint markers). “He was wild-eyed and looking around, but I didn’t think anything of it.” said Mrs. Chamberlain. “But then I noticed that he was doodling on the shirts… who does that? He’s a grown man.” 

Spears allegedly drew penises on some of the shirts and added offensive phrases to others. “On our ‘One margarita, two margarita’ (based on Bryan’s hit “One Margarita”) shirt, he wrote “leads to three baby daddies,” said Chamberlain. “And he just wrote “sucks” on all my adorable Luke Bryan vintage v-necks. He’s got a problem!”

Spears, who runs a small engine repair shop on his property off Hwy 57, has said in the past that his long string of peculiar crimes is all in the name of “real country music.” His county rap sheet stands as proof, with 6-7 different misdemeanors over the years, oddly all related to country music. 

At press time, Chamberlain had agreed to drop all charges if Spears agreed to pay for the damages, estimated at around $1,000. Spears was not available for comment. 

The Crud Report: July 2020