Mar 5, 2021
Feb 26, 2021
Every Person Who Listened to David Allan Coe’s “If That Ain’t Country” More Than Once Cancelled
Some 42.7 million caucasians were chastised, repudiated, and cancelled on Thursday as Spotify, Amazon, and Apple Music records indicated that they had listened to David Allan Coe’s “If That Ain’t Country” at least twice. Jobs were lost, threats were made, teenagers were doxxed, and 20+ tweet Twitter-threads were dashed off as the indignities came to light.
Transportation ground to a halt, financial systems shut down, service industries froze, and the economy tanked due to the sheer proportion of the population cancelled. President Biden called for calm during a White House press conference to discuss the crisis, then curiously asked “You don’t think they can scan a 1983 jam box do you?”
Most of the streaming sites quietly removed the original version of “If That Ain’t Country” in recent months, but still had the offending song plays archived.
“We get it if someone listened to the song once; they may have been doing research,” said Equity in Country Music spokesperson Ajenta Koss. “But when it came to light that these people heard the ’n-word’ in the song and then had the audacity to listen again - clearly each and every one of them is a vile racist, unworthy of employment or the opportunity for redemption.”
She went on to say that the streaming sites were also being asked to provide data showing who’d listened to Waylon Jennings as well. “We don’t have actual proof that he was racist,” she laughed. “But just look at him - you know he was. Those pictures with Muhammad Ali were clearly Photoshopped.”
The controversial Coe, who pretty much exists outside any formal institution he could be cancelled from, offered no comment. The country music legend was said to be looking forward to touring again later this year, rehearsing the three songs he usually gets around to playing, and practicing complaining and walking off stage early.
Feb 12, 2021
Big Loud Records Signs New Artist Wally Cole Morgan
At a press conference on Thursday, Nashville’s Big Loud Records introduced their newest artist signing, Wally Cole Morgan. The young singer out of La Follette, TN, smiled for cameras and label chief Seth England did the presentation.
“We’re proud to show off our newest money-maker, errr, artist, Mr. Wally Cole Morgan!” said England. “I know times are weird, especially for us, but we think Wally is going to more than make up for our recent losses.” England was referring to the suspension of cash-cow Morgan Wallen after video surfaced of Wallen using the “n-word” after a drunken night with friends.
Morgan bears a strong resemblance to Wallen - uncanny in fact - but Stacy Blythe, vice-president of promotion, assured us that any similarities were borne of our own narrow mindedness. “Morgan comes to us a fully formed original, and he’s ready to record and tour and rake in the dough, uh… I mean, rake in the fans!” she smiled. “In fact, he’s already got a record in the can.”
The album, entitled Also Dangerous, is due March 19th with a single “11 Summers” being released next Friday. Big Loud played us some snippets of the songs, and again, Wally sounded a great deal like Morgan Wallen. One might even suspect these songs were the outtakes from Wallen’s Dangerous double album.
Blyth reiterated that our own biases were shining through and that Morgan’s music was entirely unique and in no way just tracks that were deemed too weak for Wallen’s album. “Sure Wally has a mullet - who doesn’t?” she laughed. “But you’ll see that he has green eyes and a mustache! Clearly not the same guy.”
At press time, Big Loud had just sent out an email blast saying that Morgan Wallen was still suspended and taking some time “walking in someone else’s shoes.”
Feb 5, 2021
Jan 29, 2021
Police Deploy Axe Sniffing Dogs to Find Illegal Bro-Country House Concerts
“We’ve found that teens and men who enjoy this kind of music tend to wear offensively strong smelling body sprays such as Axe, so we’ve trained Buster, our drug-sniffing K9, to identify similar odors.” said K9 Unit Lt. Parker Davis of the Smyrna Police Department. “It’s working like a charm so far.”
The SPD has already shut down 2 Chase Rice concerts, a Chris Janson show, and a couple of other up-and-coming bro-country artists' parties. “There were 25 jacked-up pickup trucks in this cul-de-sac, so we knew something was going on when we followed up on a complaint from neighbors, but the area was completely silent when we started investigating,” said Davis. “Knocks didn’t root anything out, but Buster just smashed through the fence of one yard… you should have seen the wallet chains gleaming in the street lights as they all ran for it.”
Fines were levied, and four open container arrests were made. Similar stories have come in from the Tallahassee, FL area as well. “We taught our dog Hurley to detect body spray and White Claw,” said TPD’s K9 officer Levon Goins. “He’s rooted out 5 different illegal shows. I’ve never seen so many drunk white girls.”
One of the illicit concerts shut down in Tallahassee also led to arrests for crystal meth and prescription drug possession with intent. “That was one of those ‘hick hop’ shows, I think his name was Upshirt, Upchurch, something like that.” laughed Goins.
Jan 22, 2021
Americana Bands Suddenly Back Singing About Farm Implements and Black Lung
Almost as quickly as they’d flipped the ideological switches 4 years ago, Americana artists this week returned to familiar pastures, turning their attentions from Donald Trump to subjects more native to the genre. Just like that, well-meaning but sometimes overwrought protest anthems were replaced by the sweet sounds of murder ballads and odes to ghost cowboys.
Some 35 new singles showed up in this writer’s Spotify Release Radar this morning from roots and folk artists, nary a one of them mentioning a “Cheeto” or border walls. Almost as if some dark cloud lifted from their minds, the lyrics of their songs suddenly saw tractors plowing the earth, drunks lamenting their lost loves, and coal miners praying for salvation on their death beds.
Jason Isbell began work on his promised album of Georgia artist cover songs, even finding himself jovial enough to cover Charlie Daniels’ “A Few More Rednecks.” BJ Barham of American Aquarium announced that his band was working on a new EP completely themed around North Carolina State’s signature wins in football (may have to be reduced to a single IMO). Even Will Hoge cracked a smile, vowing to release an album of songs about old pickup trucks and moonshining this March.
For his part, country and Americana legend Steve Earle was way ahead of the curve. “Oh I knew the emperor’s end was coming and it was time to get back to what we do best - and that’s singing about things from the 1950s as if they’re still relevant.” Indeed, Earle’s last 4 albums have been either covers or songs about trains, mining, and medicine show barkers.
At press time, producer Dave Cobb was booked from now until Labor Day 2023. Americana is healing.
Jan 15, 2021
FGL Once Again Unites Divided America in Hatred of Their New Song
Across social media, shared disgust and cries for decency rang out as the insipid hip-hop flavored pop-country turd filtered through the populace. Neither Donald Trump, nor Joe Biden, nor an actual Constitutional crisis could divide a thoroughly repulsed nation as they uniformly decried Brian Kelley and Tyler Hubbard’s two-and-a-half minute journey through hell.
“We’re better than this,” said Biden-voter Verna Jackson. “I know things are tough right now and some people are trying to ignore the people’s will, but I will join hands with Republicans to cleanse America of this threat to our sanity and sense of decorum.”
“They should be censored!” shouted anti-censorship activist Carl Wilberson. “While I’m okay with all sorts of ‘deviant’ and ‘dangerous’ art and speech being allowed in the public forum, this goes beyond the limits of human decency. They should be put on house arrest for life.”
“It's injurious to the republic,” said Republican Ginnie Marks. “I’ve become more open-minded to differing viewpoints and I understand that people have their own opinions and lifestyles, but this is just sickening.” She went on to say that she’d turn in a gun or two if the song could be banned and purged from existence.
At press time, a Florida-Georgia Line fan who told Americans to “just not listen to it” had been taken into custody by the FBI.
Jan 8, 2021
Folk Singer Denied Early Vaccination Despite Having an “Old Soul”
Folk singer Torland Minor says he’s been denied receiving the Covid vaccine in the early rollout despite having what he describes as an “old soul.” Minor, 24, made multiple attempts at signing up for both the Pfizer and Moderna inoculations but was kicked out of the sign-up process despite his claims.
Minor, clad in oil-stained brown trousers, a plaid shirt with a vest, and a long London Fog raincoat, visited with us and stated his case for inclusion in the first wave of shots. “Both the online and phone bank sign-ups wouldn’t even give me a chance once I submitted my age, but what of the depth and vision of a man?” asked Minor. “What of his levels of empathy for the downtrodden and what of his love of Werther’s Originals?”
Torlund has made a name for himself on the folk scene in recent years with his downbeat tales of train-hopping wanderers and climate-change threatened tribesmen. Pitchfork called his 2019 album Forked Toungues and Peacoats a “snapshot of a young man who’s given up on the wonder and yearnings of youth” and Under the Radar called him “an up and coming folkster who seems to carry the world with the burden of a man six decades his elder.”
“If that’s not proof enough, I don’t know.” laughed Minor. “I even shushed some kids in the bodega the other night.”
When asked if he has any pre-existing conditions that might make him more susceptible to the coronavirus, Torlund simply replied “life is a pre-existing condition.”
At press time Minor was mixing himself a Tom Collins.
Jan 6, 2021
The Crud Report: January '21
Dec 18, 2020
Man Infuriated You Left Extremely Obscure Album off Your Year-End List
A self-described “real country fan” is miffed at you. You recently posted your “Top 10 Albums of 2020” on your blog, and he’s positively enraged that you didn’t include his favorite, despite it being a terribly obscure, poorly produced, entirely un-marketed album of lo-fi outlaw country.
“I can’t believe this s***,” said Carl Outlaw, the aforementioned real country fan. “They call themself a fan of country and Americana music and yet didn’t give Harl Bodens & The Can Draggers’ album even an honorable mention?? They probably should shut down the blog.”The album, entitled Meth & Merle, was only released through Harl Bodens’ website in 8-track format or as a massive 1-track wav file, yet Outlaw expects you to have not only heard it, but to have found it to be among the best of approximately 2,394 country-related albums released in 2020. “I’m going too stop followering you.” read Carl’s blog comment. “If you ain’t as in formed as me about country music, why do I even need too bother?” (The incorrect grammar is Carl’s doing)
“Meth & Merle is clearly the most authentic country album of the century,” Carl told us. “The band recorded it in a chicken coop while stoned out of their minds on shrooms. Also, nobody else I know likes them so that means they’re good.”
Little does Mr. Outlaw know, you actually have heard the album and just didn’t think it was very good. “It sounds like it was recorded in a dumpster, the singer can’t carry a tune in a barrel, the lyrics are predictable, and the ‘fiddle’ is just some drunk guy screeching.” you informed us.
Dec 11, 2020
Florida-Georgia Line Vows to Stay Together for the Kids* *money
Florida-Georgia Line revealed Tuesday that they had recently attended several sessions of couples’ therapy in hopes of healing their strained relationship. Several months of political disagreements played out publicly on social media during the recent Presidential election, and it seemed all was lost for the duo.
Happily for the fans, it seems things are looking up. “We’re all good now,” said Tyler Hubbard. “There were some tough days there, like you have in every relationship, but I think we’ve found a common goal and reason to stay together: we love the sweet money that we made together.”
“Little Benjamin would be so upset if we broke up,” said Brian Kelley. “And Ulysses… it’d tear his tiny heart in two.” Kelly went on to say that while there were still differences in he and Hubbard’s business-marriage, doing the right thing made it much easier to maintain the alliance.
The happy couple plans to continue therapy for the foreseeable future, but feel certain they have turned the corner on their disagreements. “If Ty starts talking all his Demoncrat nonsense, I’ve been given some coping strategies to block him out and focus on my sweet little green babies.” smiled Kelley.
“And if he says one more damn word about election fraud… no no no… breathe… moolah, cheddar, bucks…” said Hubbard, reciting the nicknames of his children to himself to remember what makes his current journey worth it.
At press time, Hubbard was crying while singing a lullaby to one of his bank statements.
Dec 4, 2020
Nov 24, 2020
Patterson Hood Mulls Temporary Peach State Return
Nov 20, 2020
Mainstream Country Station Plays Same Song for an Hour; No One Notices
Mainstream country radio station WPOO out of Nashua, NH played one song for an entire hour on loop this past Wednesday and no one even noticed.
Neither listeners, staff, nor the on air DJ raised a single concern about the fact that Russell Dickerson’s “Love You Like I Used To” played 13 times between 1:30 and 2:30 eastern time. The goof wasn’t caught until that night when a station scheduler, Ray Jefferson, reviewed the playlist from that afternoon.
“That song is basically a microcosm of everything we play,” explained Jefferson, “A bland dude with kind of smooth vocals, similar guitar sound, same lyrics just rearranged… you know the deal… so honestly, I don’t blame the DJ for not noticing.” He said that while he had no idea the effect the repeat might have had on over-the-air ratings, the streaming numbers actually rose during the hour.
On-air personality "Mean" Mark Edwards said he hadn’t even been reprimanded for the slip-up. “It’s the number one song in America, maybe people thought we were just celebrating that milestone.” he said. “It’s boring as hell but it fits into the sonic oatmeal of dullness we try to put forward here at POO 102. And of course no one noticed that no women were played that hour - c'est comme ça.”
“The funniest thing about it was,” laughed Edwards, “A lady called in and requested that song while it was playing.”
Nov 13, 2020
Man Unable to Grow Beard Kicked Out of Americana Band
“My beard is patchy.” said a despondent Sandifer. “I can’t help my damn genetics.”
Sandifer told us that no complaints were ever made about his ability to keep the bottom steady in the band’s songs about unions, farms, William Gay novels, Donald Trump, and kudzu. His appearance and hygiene, besides the follicular challenge, were never an issue either.
“I took my monthly shower like the rest of them,” he explained. “And my clothes all came from the Salvation Army store in whatever town we’d played, along with t-shirts from bands who opened for us.” He also told us there were no issues with his politics.
He went on to say that though Farmer Union never gave him a formal reason for the release, he’s certain it’s because the “other three dudes look like they just walked out of the woods with an axe and a blue ox.” “I’ve tried everything, oils, lotions, massages, testosterone therapy… nothing worked.” said Matt. “The best I could do was a sad goatee, a busted mustache and weird patches of hair on my cheeks - I looked like a peeping Tom.”
“I thought Americana was supposed to be about substance, and not image …or marching to the beat of what other roots bands do,” said a disgusted Sandifer. “F*** those guys.”
At press time, Farmer Union was smoking weed by a dumpster in Belleville.
Nov 6, 2020
Report: Nelly Has Blackmail Photos of Florida-Georgia Line
Nelly, born Cornell Iral Haynes Jr., was last on top of the charts in the early to mid 2000s, but has seen a resurgence in his career thanks to country music, and in particular Florida-Georgia Line. Their first collaboration was a remix of the smash “Cruise” which went on to become one of the biggest hits of the decade in any genre.
After than, many expected for Nelly to fade into the background and go back to doing club shows and the occasional rap album, but that has not been the case. FGL has collaborated with Nelly and brought him on several big tours long after the hype for “Cruise” died down, and it left many scratching their heads. When Nelly put out his own recent song featuring FGL, we had to do a little digging.
According to our inside source (nicknamed “Benny”) Nelly, performer of such hits as “Pimp Juice” and “Hot in Herre,” has possession of several photographs that keep Tyler Hubbard and Brian Kelley at his beck and call. He’s made such requests of them as songwriting sessions, car detailings, tour slots, and their Netflix passwords.
“They are willing to do just about anything to keep Nelly from publishing those pics,” said Benny. “I honestly don’t know what the photos are of, but it must be some seedy sh*t!” Benny also said that Nelly carries the photos with him in a Halliburton briefcase attached to his wrist with handcuffs, and is never more than 5 feet from the case.
“Not to demean him because he’s had a good career, but that briefcase keeps him in steak and lobster and Bugattis,” laughed Benny. “And he’s also just showing up at their houses at all hours of the night to just hang out… their wives aren’t crazy about it but the guys just tell them they’re working on music, but they’re just shooting pool in the treehouse.”
When asked to guess what’s in the photos, Benny ventures a few possibilities. “I doubt it’s anything sexual, those dudes never had any game until they were rich and then they got married immediately, so it’s probably pics of them at a real country concert, enjoying themselves. That would devastate Florida-Georgia Line fans!”
At press time, Nelly was taking a shower with one arm through the curtain.
Nov 3, 2020
Oct 30, 2020
Graphic Designers Decry Trend of Singers Designing Own Album Covers
Freddie Robison of Ink Media Designs in Nashville is pissed. "Who do they think they are?!" he rants. "I went to school for this sh*t. And you wonder why every other new cover uses Bleeding Cowboys font…"
The music industry's downturn in recent years has been a challenge to design firms specializing in art and marketing for the music industry, but the latest wrinkle is proving to be the most disconcerting.
"I got an email directly from a major country star a couple of weeks ago," explained Robison. "I won't say who, but it rhymes with 'rustin' chore.' Anyway, it said 'This is the artwork for my new album cover, please check to make sure it's ready for printing.'" Robison continued: "There was nothing attached so I replied and let him know. The next email had a .html file attached that wouldn't open in any software I own. I replied again and said that I'd need a high-res tiff or jpeg file. Well, I got a jpeg, but it was 100x100 pixels and 72 dpi. It went on like this for some time before I just redesigned the damn thing myself and didn't charge him."
Robison went on to say that he wasn't picking on "rustin' chore" in particular, but that this was now the rule, not the exception. More and more – their cash stretched thin from declining album sales – artists have turned to writing their own songs… and now, designing their own album and website art.
This has resulted in reduced productivity among prepress professionals and graphic artists across the Nashville area. Missing fonts, lack of bleed, RGB color, bad file types, corrupt files, low resolution photographs and other issues have been reported in multitude.
"Seriously though, how hard can you pinch a dime? My firm gets $85-100 bucks an hour for this… I don't even take home a quarter of that. It's hard to keep gas in a Maybach, I guess," pondered Robison.
Robison also told us of one flat-chested female singer who'd simply used Photoshop Elements to copy and paste Kim Kardashian's chest over her own for her inner sleeve photo. "And she used Comic Sans for her lyrics… I mean, WTF?"
Oct 23, 2020
Luke Bryan Reveals “Resting Poop Face” Diagnosis
I’ve got a lot of comments about my beard lately and thought I’d come out and address the reasons for it. It’s not because I’ve got lazy during the pandemic or nothing. I mean, I’ve relaxed a lot more but I still got them abs baby! Still gonna shake it for y’all when we get to tour again! Looking forward to seeing everybody on the road, hopefully next year! But let’s get serious for a minute. My wife (and some of you) had mentioned to me that I always have a particular expression in the photos where I ain’t smiling. To be honest, Carolyn just came out and said “You looking like you’re taking a big dump.” LOL.
So anyway, I started looking through all my promo photos in the last few years and she was right! I look like I got the beer and meat sweats and I’m struggling on the throne, LOL. I got my wife to take some pictures of me so I could try a different look, but it was no use. My face was stuck that way! I started growing this beard to help distract from it, but now people are telling me it makes me look even more like a creepy dude pinching a loaf. So I went to the doctor to see if I might have a problem. It wasn’t 5 minutes before he knew the problem. Resting Defecation Face! He says it’s a real thing! It’s where a person’s relaxed facial expression gives the impression that they are growing a tail! The focused in the distance eyes, the curled lips, the exposed teeth, the general air of distress. It’s a real condition! Carolyn calls it Resting Poop Face, LMAO.
I promise y’all I ain’t filling my skinny jeans in those pictures. It’s just natural I guess. The doctor is giving me some facial exercises to try and reshape the structure, but I may be stuck like this. Maybe it’ll catch on and be a cool new Tik Tok challenge or whatever the #lukebryanpoopfacechallenge LOL! Again, I’m seriously not dropping kids off at the pool in those photos! I’m not that old yet!
Anyway, I just thought y’all should know. Please keep me and my dookie face in your thoughts and prayers and we request privacy at this time.
~LB
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Inspired by Joshua Wallace tweet.
Oct 16, 2020
Morgan Wallen Fans Announce Boycotts Over SNL Drop
Two weekends ago, Morgan Wallen spent his Saturday drinking and canoodling with sorority girls at the University of Alabama. One weekend ago, Wallen was supposed to make his Saturday Night Live debut, but that didn’t happen. Due to its COVID policies, SNL was forced to replace Wallen with singer/songwriter/guitarist Jack White, and fans of the mulleted pop-country singer are not pleased.
“It don’t exist… Covid don’t exist!” said Laura Hagar of South Carolina, “It’s a liberal hoax to make sure Sleepy Joe wins the election. And now it’s hurt my baby, Morgan!” Hagar has seen over 20 Wallen concerts and even has his autograph tattooed across her C-section scar. “And I seen people on Facebook talking down on him cause he was kissing them girls even though he’s got a new baby. B**ch, life don’t end just cause you daddy. Anyway, I will never watch MBC again. (sic)”
Larry Keel, another Wallen fan, is taking a similar approach. “I’m boycotting Saturday Night Live, starting 22 years ago because that’s when I was born, and I’ve never watched it,” he said. “And I’m not gone start now - they coulda brought him out there in a HAZMAT suit… it’s bullsh**.”
The Morgan Wallen Nation, a fan page on Facebook, has declared that it will boycott NBC, SNL, and all of Saturday Night Live’s sponsors, including Bud Light and Apple. “Axe Body Spray is going to be a tough one, but I’m sure there are options out there to keep us smelling like if tribal tattoos were an odor.” read one post.
“Who the hell is Jake White?” asked one fan on Twitter. “I watched him for 10 seconds and he was to ugly for me too look at. Give me my sexy country boy SNL!!!”
Wallen, for his part, has apologized for his behavior and for ruining his opportunity. “I think I have some growing up to do.” said the singer.
At press time, a subset of his fans have taken exception to his contriteness, calling him a “soy boy” and a “cuck” and vowing to throw their support to Luke Combs.