The Crud Report: April 2021

Local Man Wins Award for Never Having Heard of Luke Bryan

Local welder and “real country fan” Carl Outlaw recently picked up a prestigious award for his lack of pop-culture knowledge. The American Cultural Luddite Society gave Outlaw a plaque and a $50 gift certificate to Panera for his achievement in the area, particularly for Carl’s lack of awareness of country superstar Luke Bryan.

“We were duly impressed,” said Luddite Society president Keith Tarlington. “It seemed that nearly every social media post about Luke Bryan was followed with a reply from Carl… a “Who TF is that?” here, a “Luke Bryan, who’s she?” there.”  “We were shocked that a human being with functioning sensory organs and an internet connection could not recognize the platinum selling superstar.” he continued. “Therefore, Mr. Outlaw has been bestowed with this distinguished recognition for his willful ignorance.”

While some might suspect Outlaw of simply trolling, friends and relatives say he is honestly that unaware of popular music. “He’s damn proud of it too,” said cousin LeeLee Outlaw. “Makes sure to brag about not ever having heard Florida-Georgia Line, or whoever …like it’s some accomplishment. He’s weird as hell.” 

“I don’t listen to the radio” said Outlaw over the phone. “And I haven’t owned a TV in my entire life, so no, I really don’t know who Luke White or whoever you said is. And I’ve also never heard of ‘Beyonsee’ or ‘The Weekend’ or ‘Luke Coats’ or anybody like that and I’m glad I haven’t. I only listen to country music.”

When asked if he meant Toby Keith, Tim McGraw, or Taylor Swift, he sniffed “Who the f*** are they?” 

Based on our interview, Outlaw does not, in fact, live under a rock and has not been asleep for 30 years (he’s only 23). He simply prides himself on avoiding any music that the general populous enjoys. 

Well enjoy that Panera, oh great sidestepper of the mainstream. You’ve earned it!

Alan Jackson to Release Album of Cringey Novelty Songs

There’s news on the Alan Jackson front. The long, tall country legend, who hasn’t released a full album since 2015’s Angels and Alcohol today announced Crazy as a Pet Coon, an album of novelty songs to be dropped in May. 

“We like to put a fun ‘un on every album, you know.” said Jackson, in the PR blast. “Well, we had about 50 of them that never made the cut for one reason or another, so I decided to collect the best and put ‘em out.” He went on: “If this one does well, we’ll put out another volume that’ll have songs about rhubarb pie, waiting in the DMV, and cutting your toenails on the bed.” 

Jackson’s more light-hearted songs of the past have touched on everything from sandwich meat to sandals, drawing guffaws for both humor and, let’s face it, pure inelegance. Kids today might even call them “cringe.” His uneasy relationship with technology has also been a consistent topic, in songs such as “www.memory” and “I Still Like Bologna.”

This collection looks to serve up an artery-clogging main course of the same kind of cheese. The title track, a southern colloquialism come to life, ponders life with a wild woman who’s as “cute as she is crazy.” “Don’t Let the Butterbean Juice Run on My Biscuit” pretty much gives the story away in its name, documenting a failing relationship in which each partner focuses on the minor details rather than work on the real issues. 

The album leads off with "I Got Redbugs," a big fear of every southern youngun’ who has taken a leak in the great outdoors. Jackson gets surprisingly crude in this one, singing of “parasites on muh pecker” and body parts “swole up like maters.” It certainly brings the laughter, if only in a shocked “oh my God, why did he sing about that and in that particular manner?” kind of way.

We also get a sequel to “I Don’t Even Know Your Name” on the album, titled, obviously, “I Still Don’t Even Know Your Name.” Then there's “I’ve Got a Hemi,” which we didn’t hear, but is clearly a sexual metaphor about pickup trucks.

Crazy as a Pet Coon is out May 14, and the full track list is below.

1. I Got Redbugs

2. Vienna Sausage Blues

3. I Still Don’t Even Know Your Name

(Sequel to “I Don’t Even Know Your Name”)

4. iPhone uPhone wePhone

5. Meat and Three

6. Don’t Let the Butterbean Juice Run on My Biscuit

7. She Left Me on Read

8. I’ve Got a Hemi

9. Warshcloth

10. Page Me a Beer

11. Crazy as a Pet Coon

Sleep Doctors Recommend Modern Country Radio as Sleep Aid

When patients come in complaining of sleep issues or constant tiredness, somnologists have many options. Sleep studies, diet and exercise changes, medication, breathing machines, and many other methods help doctors remedy those in their care. 

Lately, many sleep doctors are turning to an unusual therapy to cure insomnia: country music. Well, modern mainstream country radio, to be more precise. Studies have found the popular genre to be effective in nearly 72% of cases overall. 

Dr. Lenox Knox of Chicago was the first sleep specialist to discover the unlikely health aid. “I had a patient in my waiting room who told us he hadn’t slept in 4 straight days who was sound asleep.” said Knox. “We were playing a satellite country station over the speakers… I believe the artist was Dan and Jay or something like that.” “Long story short,” he continued. “We did a mini study on the patient, removed all other variables, and it was unquestionably the pop-country music that cured him.”

While official clinical trials are yet to take place, several of Knox’s associates report similar success. 

“We had a woman who was unresponsive to medication who basically passed out on the examination table when we played her the latest song from an artist called Niko Moon.” said Dr. Terry Temple of Shreveport. “We’re discovering that it’s not country music in general that is causing this effect on her and other patients, but specifically the style that is currently popular on mainstream radio stations.” 

“With mid-tempo “vibe” oriented soundscapes dominating the format right now, our patients are honestly just bored to sleep,” said Knox. “To put it un-clinically, their minds just shut off due to the drudgery and sameness.”

When questioned about why the style of music was so effective in helping the sleep-challenged resume a healthful pattern of rest, Temple theorized that “it’s the lack of sharp ‘real’ drum sounds, the sonic malaise of similar tempos, and the unchallenging subject matter, but that’s just a guess; I don’t mean to blindly group Kane Bryan, Dick Russelton, and all those other artists together.”

The Crud Report: March 2021

Every Person Who Listened to David Allan Coe’s “If That Ain’t Country” More Than Once Cancelled

Some 42.7 million caucasians were chastised, repudiated, and cancelled on Thursday as Spotify, Amazon, and Apple Music records indicated that they had listened to David Allan Coe’s “If That Ain’t Country” at least twice. Jobs were lost, threats were made, teenagers were doxxed, and 20+ tweet Twitter-threads were dashed off as the indignities came to light.

Transportation ground to a halt, financial systems shut down, service industries froze, and the economy tanked due to the sheer proportion of the population cancelled. President Biden called for calm during a White House press conference to discuss the crisis, then curiously asked “You don’t think they can scan a 1983 jam box do you?”

Most of the streaming sites quietly removed the original version of “If That Ain’t Country” in recent months, but still had the offending song plays archived. 

“We get it if someone listened to the song once; they may have been doing research,” said Equity in Country Music spokesperson Ajenta Koss. “But when it came to light that these people heard the ’n-word’ in the song and then had the audacity to listen again - clearly each and every one of them is a vile racist, unworthy of employment or the opportunity for redemption.” 

She went on to say that the streaming sites were also being asked to provide data showing who’d listened to Waylon Jennings as well. “We don’t have actual proof that he was racist,” she laughed. “But just look at him - you know he was. Those pictures with Muhammad Ali were clearly Photoshopped.”

The controversial Coe, who pretty much exists outside any formal institution he could be cancelled from, offered no comment. The country music legend was said to be looking forward to touring again later this year, rehearsing the three songs he usually gets around to playing, and practicing complaining and walking off stage early.

Big Loud Records Signs New Artist Wally Cole Morgan

At a press conference on Thursday, Nashville’s Big Loud Records introduced their newest artist signing, Wally Cole Morgan. The young singer out of La Follette, TN, smiled for cameras and label chief Seth England did the presentation.

“We’re proud to show off our newest money-maker, errr, artist, Mr. Wally Cole Morgan!” said England. “I know times are weird, especially for us, but we think Wally is going to more than make up for our recent losses.” England was referring to the suspension of cash-cow Morgan Wallen after video surfaced of Wallen using the “n-word” after a drunken night with friends. 

Morgan bears a strong resemblance to Wallen - uncanny in fact - but Stacy Blythe, vice-president of promotion, assured us that any similarities were borne of our own narrow mindedness. “Morgan comes to us a fully formed original, and he’s ready to record and tour and rake in the dough, uh… I mean, rake in the fans!” she smiled. “In fact, he’s already got a record in the can.” 

The album, entitled Also Dangerous, is due March 19th with a single “11 Summers” being released next Friday. Big Loud played us some snippets of the songs, and again, Wally sounded a great deal like Morgan Wallen. One might even suspect these songs were the outtakes from Wallen’s Dangerous double album. 

Blyth reiterated that our own biases were shining through and that Morgan’s music was entirely unique and in no way just tracks that were deemed too weak for Wallen’s album. “Sure Wally has a mullet - who doesn’t?” she laughed. “But you’ll see that he has green eyes and a mustache! Clearly not the same guy.”

At press time, Big Loud had just sent out an email blast saying that Morgan Wallen was still suspended and taking some time “walking in someone else’s shoes.”

The Crud Report: February 2021

Police Deploy Axe Sniffing Dogs to Find Illegal Bro-Country House Concerts

While Covid mandates continue to restrict large gatherings of people in most states, some bro-country artists have taken to having secret house concerts to avoid the watchful eye of the law, and the certain scorn of social media. Many of these shows have gone undetected, with the singers and audiences quieting down and hiding at first report of police in the area. As a result, law enforcement has had to employ a new tactic to bust these illegal concerts: Axe-sniffing dogs.

“We’ve found that teens and men who enjoy this kind of music tend to wear offensively strong smelling body sprays such as Axe, so we’ve trained Buster, our drug-sniffing K9, to identify similar odors.” said K9 Unit Lt. Parker Davis of the Smyrna Police Department. “It’s working like a charm so far.” 

The SPD has already shut down 2 Chase Rice concerts, a Chris Janson show, and a couple of other up-and-coming bro-country artists' parties. “There were 25 jacked-up pickup trucks in this cul-de-sac, so we knew something was going on when we followed up on a complaint from neighbors, but the area was completely silent when we started investigating,” said Davis. “Knocks didn’t root anything out, but Buster just smashed through the fence of one yard… you should have seen the wallet chains gleaming in the street lights as they all ran for it.”

Fines were levied, and four open container arrests were made. Similar stories have come in from the Tallahassee, FL area as well. “We taught our dog Hurley to detect body spray and White Claw,” said TPD’s K9 officer Levon Goins. “He’s rooted out 5 different illegal shows. I’ve never seen so many drunk white girls.”

One of the illicit concerts shut down in Tallahassee also led to arrests for crystal meth and prescription drug possession with intent. “That was one of those ‘hick hop’ shows, I think his name was Upshirt, Upchurch, something like that.” laughed Goins.

Americana Bands Suddenly Back Singing About Farm Implements and Black Lung

Almost as quickly as they’d flipped the ideological switches 4 years ago, Americana artists this week returned to familiar pastures, turning their attentions from Donald Trump to subjects more native to the genre. Just like that, well-meaning but sometimes overwrought protest anthems were replaced by the sweet sounds of murder ballads and odes to ghost cowboys.

Some 35 new singles showed up in this writer’s Spotify Release Radar this morning from roots and folk artists, nary a one of them mentioning a “Cheeto” or border walls. Almost as if some dark cloud lifted from their minds, the lyrics of their songs suddenly saw tractors plowing the earth, drunks lamenting their lost loves, and coal miners praying for salvation on their death beds. 

Jason Isbell began work on his promised album of Georgia artist cover songs, even finding himself jovial enough to cover Charlie Daniels’ “A Few More Rednecks.”  BJ Barham of American Aquarium announced that his band was working on a new EP completely themed around North Carolina State’s signature wins in football (may have to be reduced to a single IMO). Even Will Hoge cracked a smile, vowing to release an album of songs about old pickup trucks and moonshining this March.

For his part, country and Americana legend Steve Earle was way ahead of the curve. “Oh I knew the emperor’s end was coming and it was time to get back to what we do best - and that’s singing about things from the 1950s as if they’re still relevant.” Indeed, Earle’s last 4 albums have been either covers or songs about trains, mining, and medicine show barkers.

At press time, producer Dave Cobb was booked from now until Labor Day 2023. Americana is healing. 

FGL Once Again Unites Divided America in Hatred of Their New Song

Against all odds, hit country duo Florida-Georgia Line has once again brought together a frayed United States of America. Despite differences of opinion on subjects that hold together the very fabric of democracy, citizens of this great country put aside their differences, if only for the amount of time they could stomach the song, to announce their unbridled hatred of the act’s latest release entitled “New Truck.”

Across social media, shared disgust and cries for decency rang out as the insipid hip-hop flavored pop-country turd filtered through the populace. Neither Donald Trump, nor Joe Biden, nor an actual Constitutional crisis could divide a thoroughly repulsed nation as they uniformly decried Brian Kelley and Tyler Hubbard’s two-and-a-half minute journey through hell.

“We’re better than this,” said Biden-voter Verna Jackson. “I know things are tough right now and some people are trying to ignore the people’s will, but I will join hands with Republicans to cleanse America of this threat to our sanity and sense of decorum.”

“They should be censored!” shouted anti-censorship activist Carl Wilberson. “While I’m okay with all sorts of ‘deviant’ and ‘dangerous’ art and speech being allowed in the public forum, this goes beyond the limits of human decency. They should be put on house arrest for life.”

“It's injurious to the republic,” said Republican Ginnie Marks. “I’ve become more open-minded to differing viewpoints and I understand that people have their own opinions and lifestyles, but this is just sickening.” She went on to say that she’d turn in a gun or two if the song could be banned and purged from existence. 

For a moment, all Americans stood upon a shining hill, arm in arm, neither ethnicity nor gender nor religion separating us in our shared sense of aversion. 

At press time, a Florida-Georgia Line fan who told Americans to “just not listen to it” had been taken into custody by the FBI.

Folk Singer Denied Early Vaccination Despite Having an “Old Soul”

Folk singer Torland Minor says he’s been denied receiving the Covid vaccine in the early rollout despite having what he describes as an “old soul.” Minor, 24, made multiple attempts at signing up for both the Pfizer and Moderna inoculations but was kicked out of the sign-up process despite his claims. 

Minor, clad in oil-stained brown trousers, a plaid shirt with a vest, and a long London Fog raincoat, visited with us and stated his case for inclusion in the first wave of shots. “Both the online and phone bank sign-ups wouldn’t even give me a chance once I submitted my age, but what of the depth and vision of a man?” asked Minor. “What of his levels of empathy for the downtrodden and what of his love of Werther’s Originals?” 

Torlund has made a name for himself on the folk scene in recent years with his downbeat tales of train-hopping wanderers and climate-change threatened tribesmen. Pitchfork called his 2019 album Forked Toungues and Peacoats a “snapshot of a young man who’s given up on the wonder and yearnings of youth” and Under the Radar called him “an up and coming folkster who seems to carry the world with the burden of a man six decades his elder.”

“If that’s not proof enough, I don’t know.” laughed Minor. “I even shushed some kids in the bodega the other night.” 

When asked if he has any pre-existing conditions that might make him more susceptible to the coronavirus, Torlund simply replied “life is a pre-existing condition.” 

At press time Minor was mixing himself a Tom Collins.

The Crud Report: January '21

Man Infuriated You Left Extremely Obscure Album off Your Year-End List

A self-described “real country fan” is miffed at you. You recently posted your “Top 10 Albums of 2020” on your blog, and he’s positively enraged that you didn’t include his favorite, despite it being a terribly obscure, poorly produced, entirely un-marketed album of lo-fi outlaw country.

“I can’t believe this s***,” said Carl Outlaw, the aforementioned real country fan. “They call themself a fan of country and Americana music and yet didn’t give Harl Bodens & The Can Draggers’ album even an honorable mention?? They probably should shut down the blog.”

The album, entitled Meth & Merle, was only released through Harl Bodens’ website in 8-track format or as a massive 1-track wav file, yet Outlaw expects you to have not only heard it, but to have found it to be among the best of approximately 2,394 country-related albums released in 2020. “I’m going too stop followering you.” read Carl’s blog comment. “If you ain’t as in formed as me about country music, why do I even need too bother?” (The incorrect grammar is Carl’s doing)

“Meth & Merle is clearly the most authentic country album of the century,” Carl told us. “The band recorded it in a chicken coop while stoned out of their minds on shrooms. Also, nobody else I know likes them so that means they’re good.”

Little does Mr. Outlaw know, you actually have heard the album and just didn’t think it was very good. “It sounds like it was recorded in a dumpster, the singer can’t carry a tune in a barrel, the lyrics are predictable, and the ‘fiddle’ is just some drunk guy screeching.” you informed us.

Florida-Georgia Line Vows to Stay Together for the Kids* *money

Florida-Georgia Line revealed Tuesday that they had recently attended several sessions of couples’ therapy in hopes of healing their strained relationship. Several months of political disagreements played out publicly on social media during the recent Presidential election, and it seemed all was lost for the duo.

Happily for the fans, it seems things are looking up. “We’re all good now,” said Tyler Hubbard. “There were some tough days there, like you have in every relationship, but I think we’ve found a common goal and reason to stay together: we love the sweet money that we made together.”

“Little Benjamin would be so upset if we broke up,” said Brian Kelley. “And Ulysses… it’d tear his tiny heart in two.” Kelly went on to say that while there were still differences in he and Hubbard’s business-marriage, doing the right thing made it much easier to maintain the alliance. 

The happy couple plans to continue therapy for the foreseeable future, but feel certain they have turned the corner on their disagreements. “If Ty starts talking all his Demoncrat nonsense, I’ve been given some coping strategies to block him out and focus on my sweet little green babies.” smiled Kelley. 

“And if he says one more damn word about election fraud… no no no… breathe… moolah, cheddar, bucks…” said Hubbard, reciting the nicknames of his children to himself to remember what makes his current journey worth it.

At press time, Hubbard was crying while singing a lullaby to one of his bank statements.

The Crud Report: December 2020

 

Patterson Hood Mulls Temporary Peach State Return

By Kevin Broughton 

 Portland, Ore. -- After a chaotic and tumultuous four years – and an otherworldly 2020 – it’s only fitting that unbounded bliss can turn to crushing morosity in an instant. Such is the roller coaster existence of Patterson Hood, the Portland-based activist and political commentator who moonlights as the front man for the Drive By Truckers. 

Saturday, Nov. 7 was a joyous day by all accounts in the City of Roses. First CNN, then Fox News, and then all the other networks and wire services followed in turn: Joe Biden, they reported, would be the 46th President of the United States. Mostly peaceful celebrants rushed into the streets.

“It was beautiful, man,” Hood says. “Four years of fascism, finally over.” The Oregonian thought himself alone in his bliss, until that perfect moment when he found a kindred – and musical – spirit. “Kasey Anderson and I ran into each other. It turns out we were both throwing acid at the same Portland so-called ‘firefighters,’” he says. “Those dudes were f*cking with freedom-fighters who had mostly peacefully torched an Apple Store in celebration of Biden’s big win. I got the whole thing on my iPhone 12.” 

Jubilation became concern on multiple levels, to Hood’s chagrin. “Turns out Kasey’s on Federal paper and has an ankle bracelet,” Hood says. “Well, he said he had an ankle bracelet. I think it was a baby monitor, to tell you the truth. Anyway, he hauled ass when they made a curfew announcement on the loudspeakers.” 

Hood was undeterred, if now alone. And yet… 

“I joined up with some other freedom fighters, at the last Taco Bell before it peacefully went up in flames…” Hood trails off here, caught up in the memory of a poignant moment in Portland social justice history. He is a little weepy. 

“I got in line,” Hood says, choking up a bit before recovering his composure. “And person after person, be it he/she/xi/xxyx/cis, every one of us HUMAN PEOPLE said to Juan – so his corporate name tag said – YES, MY ORDER IS FOR A LIVING WAGE FOR ALL LETTUCE PICKERS IN THE CENTRAL VALLEY.” 

Hood isn’t shy admitting he enjoyed the sick burn. “I mean face it, what are corporatists gonna say in the face of that kind of truth?” Sadly, the euphoric social triumph would give way to realpolitik. Such is the duality of the Southern thing – Patterson Hood-style. 

“What totally freaked me out was that there was a whole other set of elections going on at the same time or whatever,” said Hood, who attended some college courses in Northern Alabama in the 1980s. “There are senate elections that happen, too. And there are some elections that happen in Georgia or whatever. And in January!” 

Hood – after reading the same story in The Daily Kos three times – grew tense. When he learned that two Senate runoffs in Georgia could drastically impact President-elect Biden’s agenda, he was at first cynical. “Typical redneck Georgia, man,” Hood said. “It’s just the same Jim Crow stuff: they make a Democrat win twice, just because he’s a black guy. This kind of racist shit is why I left Georgia after living there for like 20 years or something.” 

Yet rather than curse the darkness, Hood turned to a literary light. 

“Somebody turned me on to this guy Tom Friedman? He writes for the New York Times and magazines, too,” he said. “He’s like an expert, but still can deal with the common man. He’s interviewed taxi drivers from Athens to Rome. Which is perfect, since those are my two favorite cities in Georgia!” 

 It was a national television interview of Friedman that grabbed the fifty-something poet’s attention.    

 

“I mean, dude, that takes it up a notch,” Hood said. “This is serious activism! I thought my friend Topher in L.A. was owning the MAGA’s with his radical phone-banking.”

“I mean, I love the way my boy mimics that cis-white woman’s stupid accent, but you gotta give the nod to the writer guy,” he said. “Which is why I’m headed back to Georgia so I can vote for Rafael Warnock…and that one cis-white guy too, since he’s also a Democrat.” Asked if he had voted in Oregon, and if that might pose legal problems in the Peach State, Hood grew indignant. 

 “So f*cking what, man? I mean, you gonna buy into this Jim Crow myth of “voter fraud?” Hood snapped. “You’re telling me it’s against the law to go to Georgia to vote for a black man? It’s the most anti-racist thing to do, ever. Check your patriarchy and your white privilege, bro. Seriously. Besides, Gov. Abrams will pardon us all.” 

 As he gathered his things to prepare for his cross-country political odyssey, he took a moment to address a music-industry rumor about his band’s most recent political album. “It is nobody’s business whether President Xi and the Peoples’ Cultural Collective sent us a small donation to support our art,” Hood said. “Besides, you can’t prove it, and it’s a totally racist and sinophobic thing to say. Only a fear-mongering redneck from Texas would say such a thing. 

-- fake news

Mainstream Country Station Plays Same Song for an Hour; No One Notices

Mainstream country radio station WPOO out of Nashua, NH played one song for an entire hour on loop this past Wednesday and no one even noticed.

Neither listeners, staff, nor the on air DJ raised a single concern about the fact that Russell Dickerson’s “Love You Like I Used To” played 13 times between 1:30 and 2:30 eastern time. The goof wasn’t caught until that night when a station scheduler, Ray Jefferson, reviewed the playlist from that afternoon.

“That song is basically a microcosm of everything we play,” explained Jefferson, “A bland dude with kind of smooth vocals, similar guitar sound, same lyrics just rearranged… you know the deal… so honestly, I don’t blame the DJ for not noticing.” He said that while he had no idea the effect the repeat might have had on over-the-air ratings, the streaming numbers actually rose during the hour.

On-air personality "Mean" Mark Edwards said he hadn’t even been reprimanded for the slip-up. “It’s the number one song in America, maybe people thought we were just celebrating that milestone.” he said. “It’s boring as hell but it fits into the sonic oatmeal of dullness we try to put forward here at POO 102. And of course no one noticed that no women were played that hour - c'est comme ça.” 

“The funniest thing about it was,” laughed Edwards, “A lady called in and requested that song while it was playing.” 

Man Unable to Grow Beard Kicked Out of Americana Band

Matt Sandifer, former bassist of Americana band Farmer Union, says he was recently given the pink slip for a peculiar reason.

“My beard is patchy.” said a despondent Sandifer. “I can’t help my damn genetics.”

Sandifer told us that no complaints were ever made about his ability to keep the bottom steady in the band’s songs about unions, farms, William Gay novels, Donald Trump, and kudzu. His appearance and hygiene, besides the follicular challenge, were never an issue either.

“I took my monthly shower like the rest of them,” he explained. “And my clothes all came from the Salvation Army store in whatever town we’d played, along with t-shirts from bands who opened for us.” He also told us there were no issues with his politics.

“I’m a card carrying member of Antifa and attended all the same meetings they did.” he said. “And I took a photo of my voting ballot so that they could see I voted blue or green all the way down.”

He went on to say that though Farmer Union never gave him a formal reason for the release, he’s certain it’s because the “other three dudes look like they just walked out of the woods with an axe and a blue ox.” “I’ve tried everything, oils, lotions, massages, testosterone therapy… nothing worked.” said Matt. “The best I could do was a sad goatee, a busted mustache and weird patches of hair on my cheeks - I looked like a peeping Tom.”

“I thought Americana was supposed to be about substance, and not image …or marching to the beat of what other roots bands do,” said a disgusted Sandifer. “F*** those guys.”

At press time, Farmer Union was smoking weed by a dumpster in Belleville.

Report: Nelly Has Blackmail Photos of Florida-Georgia Line

An anonymous source the in the camp of pop-country duo Florida-Georgia Line says the extended relevance of Nelly has more to do with some leverage he owns rather than public demand. 

Nelly, born Cornell Iral Haynes Jr., was last on top of the charts in the early to mid 2000s, but has seen a resurgence in his career thanks to country music, and in particular Florida-Georgia Line. Their first collaboration was a remix of the smash “Cruise” which went on to become one of the biggest hits of the decade in any genre. 

After than, many expected for Nelly to fade into the background and go back to doing club shows and the occasional rap album, but that has not been the case. FGL has collaborated with Nelly and brought him on several big tours long after the hype for “Cruise” died down, and it left many scratching their heads. When Nelly put out his own recent song featuring FGL, we had to do a little digging. 

According to our inside source (nicknamed “Benny”) Nelly, performer of such hits as “Pimp Juice” and “Hot in Herre,” has possession of several photographs that keep Tyler Hubbard and Brian Kelley at his beck and call. He’s made such requests of them as songwriting sessions, car detailings, tour slots, and their Netflix passwords. 

“They are willing to do just about anything to keep Nelly from publishing those pics,” said Benny. “I honestly don’t know what the photos are of, but it must be some seedy sh*t!” Benny also said that Nelly carries the photos with him in a Halliburton briefcase attached to his wrist with handcuffs, and is never more than 5 feet from the case. 

“Not to demean him because he’s had a good career, but that briefcase keeps him in steak and lobster and Bugattis,” laughed Benny. “And he’s also just showing up at their houses at all hours of the night to just hang out… their wives aren’t crazy about it but the guys just tell them they’re working on music, but they’re just shooting pool in the treehouse.” 

When asked to guess what’s in the photos, Benny ventures a few possibilities. “I doubt it’s anything sexual, those dudes never had any game until they were rich and then they got married immediately, so it’s probably pics of them at a real country concert, enjoying themselves. That would devastate Florida-Georgia Line fans!”

At press time, Nelly was taking a shower with one arm through the curtain.