Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts

Sep 3, 2021

Yellowstone Prequel 1883 to Feature Pop-Country Soundtrack

As filming began of Yellowstone prequel Y: 1883, the production announced on Thursday that it would be taking a decidedly different approach in the show’s musical direction. Music supervisor Robert Bones said unlike the original series, which leans heavily on gritty Americana and folk music, this edition of the franchise would be soundtracked with the likes of Sam Hunt and Florida-Georgia Line. Though anachronistic, the accompaniment’s purpose is to draw in soccer moms, contractor dads, TikTok daughters, and Carolina squat sons. 

“We’re shooting for a different demographic on this one,” said Bones. “1883 will have a  struggle-filled tone, so the music should be offsetting; think Walker Hayes, think Dan + Shay. The subject matter will be dark and challenging, so the music shouldn’t add further stress. Just as country music evolves with the times, so shall the western soundtrack.” 

Y: 1883 will follow the Dutton family’s early journey west to Montana. Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, and Sam Elliott have been tapped to star in the drama. 

“And yes, to let the cat out of the bag, there will be a few duets from Tim & Faith,” said Bones. “We have these megastars, why not use them?” An early exclusive scene shows the duo as Margaret and James Dutton singing the hit “It’s Your Love” from afar, as James battles native Americans in western Missouri and Margaret deals with sick children back at the temporary homestead. 

Another scene has Luke Bryan’s “Kick the Dust Up” in the background as a buffalo stampede roars through the Nebraska plains, adding a whimsical air to the violent encounter. 

Yellowstone’s musical director Andrea von Foerster was originally set to helm 1883’s sonic template, but she was unhappy with the pop-country palette. “Yeah, f**k this s**t, I told ‘em,” laughed von Foerster. “I wish them luck but it’s like if da Vinci had done the Mona Lisa in finger-paint.”

Aug 20, 2021

Man Wears Mask at Aldean Concert Because He’s Embarrassed to Be There

Country superstar Jason Aldean recently praised his New York fans for their lack of masks at his Wantagh show on August 7th. While certain jurisdictions, venues, and organizations either mandate or urge the use of masks during the continued Covid-19 pandemic, the singer was happy to see his crowd defy those suggestions.

One man Aldean didn’t notice, however, was definitely wearing a mask. 

Ben Trask of Levittown withstood the stares and occasional crude remarks from fellow concert-goers and kept his face covering on for the entire duration of the show. He also wore the mask while driving to and leaving the show. 

When asked if he donned the fabric over health concerns, Trask laughed. “Hell no. I just didn’t want anybody I know to see me going to, being in attendance at, or leaving a Jason Aldean concert.”

Trask was tasked with taking his step-daughter and her friends to the concert after drawing the short straw among the group of parents. “My wife got lucky!” said Trask. “She didn’t have to sit through this droning motherf***er for 2 damn hours singing about fields and trucks and trucks and fields.”

“I liked one of the opening singers, Lainey Wilson, but the rest of it was pure garbage,” he continued. “I’d be mortified if somebody took my picture being at this shitshow. They had a f***ing DJ, for god’s sake! At a supposed country concert!”

At press time, Ben was making sure his daughter didn’t tag him in any Facebook photo posts.

Aug 13, 2021

Bearded Poser Can’t Decide Whether to Move to Nashville or Austin

Bearded poser Louis Reynolds has a decision to make. The burgeoning Americana and/or folk and/or pop-country songwriter is weighing the positives and negatives of cities to move to and genres to shoehorn himself into. 

While skilled at writing in none of his options, Reynolds possesses a slightly above average voice and, most importantly, a spectacular beard. The 6’2” former college badminton star, after finding no path to pursuing the sport professionally, picked up an acoustic guitar and learned Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars” and was smitten. 

Bankrolled by his parents’ eight figure net worth, Reynolds began formulating his plan to become an artist a star in whatever style of music would have him. 

“I’ll only have to adapt my look to fit in, err, I mean look the part of either a country singer or an Americana singer. You know, either go sleek and stylish with the beard, or look like I just came down out of the mountains with half an elk on my back.” laughed Reynolds. “Pretty much the same for my fashion choices.” 

When asked if he was studying the different styles of music to see where his writing style most organically fit, Reynolds answered “Let’s see. Would I rather rub elbows with Jordan Davis and Sam Hunt, or Cody Jinks and Tyler Childers? Makes you think, y’know.”

“Oh yeah, writing,” he continued. “Either write about trucks used for fun or trucks used for work; no big deal. And the women are either wearing shorts and have their feet on the dash or are sad and working in a Tulsa cafe. It’s pretty simple stuff.” 

At press time, Louis Reynolds was trying on stupid hats and checking horribly overpriced apartment listings in trendy parts of Austin and Nashville.

Jul 30, 2021

Anti-Capitalist Country Singer Dismayed by Lack of Airplay

YouTube country sensation Dexter Youngblood keeps hitting a glass ceiling. According to the singer of “My Big Ol’ Truck,” country radio refuses to play the song, which has amassed 1.3 million plays on the video site. “I know it seems hypocritical to seek fortune for my hard work, but capitalism is compulsory at this point in history in America, so why not attempt to spread my message?” asked the Oregon native. 

The song, a modern sounding pop-country anthem complete with snap beats and talk-singing, promotes a community based enjoyment of his ’22 Ford F-150 Lightning for partying, trips to ‘parades,’ and helping out ‘people like us.’ While innocent on the surface, there are mentions of the color red, stars, and hammers that let you know Youngblood is adept at symbolism.

“Frankly, it’s a non-starter.” said industry insider Jova Marks. “While the song is innocuous enough and it bangs and slaps and whatnot, mainstream country now is as much based on image and personality, so a little digging by country fans who are predominantly conservative, would end Youngblood’s career before it gets off the ground.”

A press release sent to Farce the Music from Youngblood’s PR stated that his debut album For the Common Good is set for release in November. It will include songs with such titles as “We Can End It, Girl,” “Can I Smash (Capitalism),” “Burn Down My Hometown,” and a cover of Drive-by Truckers’ “Ramon Casiano.” 

The album will not be free, despite Youngblood’s close-held belief system. “My parents cut off my allowance because of a little drug issue I had, and I don’t want to lose my second house, so yeah, I’m participating in capitalism …but it’s a necessary evil for now,” he said, brushing a white powder off the sleeve of his Che Guevara t-shirt. 

At press time, Youngblood told us “I really don’t know why radio won’t play my music, but I bet its because I’m asexual.”

Jul 23, 2021

Brad Paisley Fan Purchases Larger Shirt from Merch Stand to Hide Swampass

Brad Paisley fan Jerry Potenza just returned to the merchandise stand for a second Brad Paisley t-shirt. “It’s to hide the swamp ass,” laughed Potenza, happily shelling out another $38 for a 3 XL black shirt with our country guitar hero shredding on the front and tour dates on the back. His wife was in possession of his other identical but size large t-shirt as well as a yard tall margarita.

After purchasing the second overpriced shirt, Potenza slipped into the bathroom and changed into it from his too-short-to-hide-the-expanding-sweat-pool-on-the-ass-of-his-cargo-shorts Columbia fishing shirt. “Ah that’s better,” he exhaled. “Why they chose to have a concert outdoors in Mississippi in July is beyond me.” 

With the thermometer still in the 80s and the humidity at 95% even at almost 9 PM, Potenza’s nether regions became a sauna and then a kiddie pool and then a reservoir of perspiration as he sat through openers Kameron Marlowe and Jimmie Allen. Now that he’s ready to stand up and shout along to songs like “I’m Gonna Miss Her” and “Online,” Jerry needs to be presentable to the people in the row behind him. 

“I don’t know them from Adam… well, that lady may go to my church but anyway, I may never see those people again, but that’s no reason to display the grayish stain spreading across the back middle seam of my St. John’s Bay khaki cargos to them.” he explained. 

Other concert goers reported similar issues as their pants, shorts, skirts, and jeans showed the clear signs of what happens when buttocks are in contact with seats in sweltering conditions. Many made the same trip to the merch booth as Jerry, but other less self conscious folks just let their moist freak flags fly. “It’s swamp ass for days,” laughed fellow show enjoyer Leslie Proctor. “Who cares? I’m druuuunnnnk.” 

At press time, Potenza was experiencing another unfortunate heat-related issue as his man parts refused to unstick from his leg. 

Jul 16, 2021

Man’s Undying Love for Country Music Dies with Walmart CD Section

Perry Huddleston, former country lover
“Country music is dead,” lamented former country music lover Perry Huddleston. “That stuff they play on the radio is just pop with a southern accent, and nobody sells CDs or tapes anymore so I guess I’ll just listen to Clay Travis from now on.” Perry was seemingly unaware of the existence of the vibrant modern country and Americana scene as he went on to mourn the death of a genre he’d loved since childhood.

“I went into the Walmart electronics section this week to see if I could get a Best of Johnny Paycheck CD, and I couldn’t even find a music display in there.” said Huddleston. “I asked the lady at the register and she pointed me to a couple of Mexican music albums jammed in by the Blu-Rays. I’m not too big a man to admit that I cried a little.” 

“Country music literally no longer exists.” he frowned, not realizing that Amazon, Apple Music, Spotify, Bandcamp, CD Baby, Tower Records, CDE, eBay, and literally thousands of other sources for country music are available to him with only a few simple movements of his fingers against the screen of his phone.

“I blame god***n Garth Brooks; he killed it, and I was glad my local ‘classic’ country station went off the air cause they had started playing Garth songs lately.” Huddleston went on. “Now, Chris LeDoux, that was a real country singer. RIP.” 

“I’m probably the biggest country music fan I know and I love it with all of my heart; Sh** I’m gonna miss it.” he said, ignorant of the fact that approximately 50 albums that he in particular would enjoy have come out in the first half of this very year. 

When we informed Huddleston that hundreds, if not thousands of contemporary “real” country artists offer physical copies of their music, including his beloved CDs online, he expressed suspicion. “I don’t buy anything online because the Chicoms will steal my identity; I just use it to read the news on Gettr.”

Jul 9, 2021

Texas Country Singer Dies After Accidentally Eating Chili with Beans

Up and coming Texas country singer-songwriter Kodee Westmoreland passed away on Monday, July 5. Westmoreland was visiting friend Lawrence Allen in Louisiana for the long Independence Day weekend when he suddenly became violently ill after a meal. Allen rushed him to the emergency room, but Westmoreland was declared dead upon arrival.

The cause of death is still pending investigation, but Westmoreland’s parents believe they know what happened. “They fed him chili with …beans put in it.” cried Lori Westmoreland, Kodee’s mother. “I think he just died from the shock of such a travesty.”

Allen, for his part, admits serving the heretofore mentioned bespoiled chili. “That’s silly,” said Allen. “I’m trying to mourn my friend and they’re throwing accusations at me. Was he allergic to beans? No. Did he choke? No. Case closed.”

Still, Allen’s account of the incident to police adds credence to the Westmorelands’ theory. According to the report, Westmoreland took a large bite of chili directly from the pot Allen was cooking in. He then told Allen “That has good flavor, but something isn’t right.” Allen asked if maybe some more cumin might help. “Hell no,” said Westmoreland. “But… oh God.” Westmoreland then immediately bent over clutching his stomach. “There’s. Beans.” were reportedly the last words he ever uttered.

The Westmoreland family has retained legal counsel and plans to pursue a civil suit against Lawrence Allen. “We’re still formulating an argument at this point, but clearly the act of cooking ‘chili bean stew’ and calling it chili, leading to Kodee’s consumption of the mislabeled dish, caused such trauma to his system and sense of Texas pride that his heart simply stopped.” said family attorney Howard Kaufmann.

“I just miss my friend,” said Allen. “I don’t think he was so hard-headed that he died because I broke the Texas Ten Commandments or something.”

It will be interesting to see how the situation plays out. RIP in peace, Kodee!

Rich O’Toole was unavailable for comment at press time.

Jun 18, 2021

Pop-Country Singer Awaiting Focus Group’s Decision on What He Should Eat for Breakfast

A pop-country superstar is currently awaiting word from his own personal focus group on what he should partake of for his morning meal.

The committee is currently hung up on the likely outcomes of the choice between whole-grain waffles with light powdered sugar and strawberries or a bowl of plain Cheerios and a large banana.

While Ricardo, the singer’s personal trainer, believes the latter choice would be a better energy source for the busy day of photo shoots and radio station visits ahead, Lisa, his stylist/handler, is certain that the strawberries would appeal more to the females in the Holiday Inn's continental breakfast room right now.

His manager, Frank, sees both sides of the coin but is on Lisa's side because she promised to refill his ice bucket when they return from the day's promotional activities.

The popular singer, according to his latest Tweet, is growing quite hungry and would really like to have the buttermilk pancakes with heavy syrup and real butter, with a side of bacon and a large cup of coffee, but he knows that's not happening.

Lester Johnston, southeastern sales rep for Siemens, who has no idea who the hell any of these people are, is growing quite pissed that they won't move out of the way so he can get some damn Frosted Flakes and a cherry pastry. On second thought, Lester thinks maybe he has seen the kid in the news recently. Something about getting lost on his own 40 acre property or whatever.

by Trailer - Original version posted on Country California Monday, July 27, 2009

Jun 11, 2021

Sam Hunt Tapped to Play Snowman in Smokey & the Bandit Reboot

In his first major acting role, country star Sam Hunt has been picked to star alongside Ryan Reynolds in an upcoming reboot of the blockbuster car chase movie Smokey & The Bandit. Hunt takes over the "Snowman" part from another country music legend, the late Jerry Reed.

In the 2022 tentpole film, the duo will be tasked with trucking a load of organic, locally-sourced kale from California to Nashville in 3 days for a record label shindig. This is a shift from the original, in which Burt Reynold’s Bandit and Reed’s titular truck driver had to get a truck of Coors from Texarkana to Atlanta in a set amount of time. Cultural and legal changes through the years led head writer Lev Hafstetler to update the theme. That’s not the only change this new Bandit vehicle will see.

“I’m driving an electric delivery van instead of an 18 wheeler,” laughed Hunt. “It’s not quite as cool looking as the original rig, but I’m going to do my best to bring a modern sensitivity to the character and a presence behind the wheel.” 

Ryan Reynolds, for his part, will pilot a black Tesla Roadster, which replaces the classic Firebird Trans Am. “We felt it of highest importance to promote environmental awareness, especially given the fact that Reynolds’ character will be doing some somewhat irresponsible driving in the picture.” said director Pete Pontagne.

The antagonist of S&B will be a gang of lifted pickup truck drivers who bully and ridicule Reynolds and Hunt’s characters for driving electric vehicles. “It’s some triggering stuff,” insisted Pontagne. “But we felt it better to go this direction than to feature ….you know… (whispers) law enforcement… in a position that might present them in a relatable, humorous light.” 

Sam Hunt, the singer of classic country hits like “Body Like a Back Road” and “House Party” will make his first foray into the acting world for Smokey & The Bandit, and he couldn’t be more excited. “I’ve been studying Terry Reed’s [sic] acting style and his great old songs like “On the Road Again” [sic] and “Six Days on the Road” [sic] to get into his mindset of his snarky, gritty take on Cledus Snow, but as I said earlier, I’ll inject some politeness and empathy into the role.” said Hunt.

Test audiences who have seen a rough cut of Smokey & The Bandit, due Memorial Day 2022, describe it as “awful” and “watered down and namby-pamby” and “utter shit.”

May 28, 2021

Luke Bryan Tears Buttcheek Rehearsing for New Tour

While practicing for his upcoming return to touring, country superstar Luke Bryan tore his moneymaker. Doctors have put him on bed rest while he recuperates from the serious injury to his most important feature. 

Sources say Bryan was winding up for his crowd-pleasing butt thrust featuring a patented shit-eating grin when he grabbed at his lower hiney area and fell to the stage crying. “It was bad,” said guitarist Michael Carter. “Our paychecks depend on his ass, literally, so we all gasped when his strongest attribute failed him.”

While fans surely come out to Luke Bryan shows for the fun, drinks, and upbeat pop-country music, many of his (mostly) female fans cast their gaze a bit lower for his biggest draw. “Oh, that sugar shaker,” laughed Lera Towson of West Memphis, AR. “I can’t name more than three of his songs, but that thang keeps me coming back! I hope it’s, I mean, I hope he’s going to be okay!”

“I diagnosed the patient with a grade 3 rupturing of the left booty cheek,” said Dr. James Keister, Luke’s physician. “All that time off during the pandemic got him a bit rusty and now he’s going to have to keep his rump in repose for a few weeks.” Bryan’s Proud to Be Right Here tour will be delayed into at least July.

Bryan, for his part, was upbeat but taking things in stride. “Some have said I should just go on tour and sit on a pillow and sing my songs, but who goes out to a concert just to hear music?” laughed Bryan. “My fans can rest assured that in a month or so, my ass will be back at 110%!”

May 21, 2021

CDC Recommends Wearing 2-3 Masks at Kane Brown Concerts, Even After Pandemic

Despite relaxing or ending 13 months of Covid-19 mask mandates, the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has continued one recommendation for fans of pop-country singer Kane Brown. "You can resume activities without wearing a mask or staying six feet apart, except at Kane Brown concerts,” the CDC said on Thursday.

They went on to say that the prevalence of poor hygiene and high levels of transmissible illnesses and diseases among this specific subset of music fans makes it necessary to continue pandemic era protocols for the foreseeable future. This includes wearing not only a mask, but two, and possibly three masks. 6-10 feet of social distancing is also required.

“This fan army, whose main demographic is adolescent, caucasian, rural, teenaged girls or young women and their boyfriends, exhibits much higher than normal frequencies of sexually transmissible diseases and other airborne contagions,” said Dr. Lew Dunne, of Georgia’s state CDC office. “They infrequently bathe or brush their teeth, so the masks will help with the stench as well.”

The CDC has even gone so far as to send links to a YouTube video or TikTok of the warning with the purchased digital tickets to Kane Brown concerts. “Many of them are unable to read at a middle school level and only communicate with their friends through short videos of dancing or ‘snatching a bitch’s wig’ so we created a fun and informative video that explains our recommendation with song and dance.” said Dunne. “It’s been quite effective so far.”

At press time, the CDC was recommending avoiding Upchurch concerts altogether.

May 14, 2021

Every Pop-Country Artist’s Next Album to Be “Country as Hell”

Spurred on by the popularity of somewhat neo-traditional artists Jon Pardi and Luke Combs, nearly every pop-country artist vowed this week that their next release will be “country as hell.” 

“We’re even bringing in a violin player!” smiled Kane Brown, in studio working on his proper follow-up to 2019’s Experiment. “It’s gonna be country as hell!” Brown was said to be drinking moonshine from a jar and wearing steel toe work boots in the vocal booth to get into character. 

Thomas Rhett recently released the album Country Again, Side A, which features two songs with the word ‘country’ in the title. “Yeah, we saw the writing on the wall…. errr, I mean, we felt that this was the natural evolution of my sound.” said Rhett. Critics and naysayers were skeptical but modestly surprised with the results.

The changing tides in Nashville have even spurred a peculiar support industry - the “country life coach.” Consultants have hired on with several pop-country artists to help them work on their authenticity, which seems ironic. “We’ve put (name excluded) on a diet of fried foods and got him out of the gym into the hog barn, ha.” said Richard Perkins, an authenticity coach. “We’ve taught him what a steel guitar is, and how to tie a trot line, not just sing about one.” 

While the trend toward more organic and source-oriented country music is not unwelcome, one must question the motives for the turn. D-Lister Dylan Scott told us “Well, my management somehow works me a hit or two a year, but nobody’s ever heard of me; we had to do something …so we’re in the studio working on some country as hell country!” smiled the burly Louisiana native. 

At press time, Sam Hunt had no plans to stop talk singing about small town breakups over trap beats. 

May 7, 2021

The Band Perry Reveals Last 6 Years Have Been Elaborate Hoax

“Ha ha! Got ya!” laughed Kimberly Perry, lead vocalist of pop-country trio The Band Perry. “Y’all thought we’d lost our minds, huh?” Perry, clad in blue jeans, a Merle Haggard t-shirt, and a dark plaid tied around her waste, explained the long con in a short interview with us this week. 

“We’re back so y’all can play us again,” she smiled, jokingly elbowing the air as if dropping a big hint to country radio programmers. “This was all a prank Reid thought of.” Kimberly’s brother apparently came up with the idea in 2014, but only planned on the elaborate joke lasting for a year or so. 7 years later, the group is playing clubs and living off Covid stimulus checks. 

The Band Perry, on the strength of smash hits like “If I Die Young,” “Better Dig Two,” and “You Lie,” was quickly racing toward A-list status in the mainstream country realm. Suddenly, as if bored with success and money, things took a weird detour. In 2015, the trio suddenly took a hard turn toward pop music, cycling through various and increasingly strange and less country iterations and fashions over the next half decade, leaving fans and critics alike dumbfounded. 

“That tan era was my idea,” admitted Perry. “Looking back, it looked sorta incestuous; that was honestly pretty creepy …even for a hoax, which it really really seriously was.” “I’m not kidding now. We’re a country band. Can't believe y'all fell for it.” she followed.

Perry told us they truly did not intend to commit so fully to the practical joke. “I don’t even like electronic music, and I could puke looking at the photos from the ‘yellow’ era… we just kept daring each other to keep it going and keep it going… then the money started running out, so here we are.” explained Perry. “But it’s not about the money at all, I mean it; we just screwed up.”

While not currently signed to a major label, the group hopes the big reveal of the definitely authentic hoax will have the big companies back at their doorstep. “We want to open shows for boyfriend country singers, we wanna do radio tours, we wanna put out syrupy catchy murder songs again!” smiled Perry. “Please believe me that this was just a silly ruse.”

At press time, The Band Perry was planning to sell the prank as a non-fungible token, whatever that means.

Apr 23, 2021

Several People Learn Dan + Shay is Two Dudes By Reading This Very Headline

Several readers of the headline above today learned that superstar country (pop) duo Dan + Shay is, in fact, composed of two male singers. Before having their eyes come upon those thirteen words, those readers, who may still be reading these sentences I am typing, believed that Shay was a woman. 

The reasons for their assumptions are varied and understandable. First, “Shay” is generally recognized to be a name for females and possibly those who identify as females. Secondly, the vocal presentation of Dan + Shay is rather high pitched. Women of the human species usually have shorter, thinner vocal cords, causing the sound produced in the larynx and uttered through the mouth to be in the upper register. 

Thirdly, those readers, usually not fans of pop country music, may have glanced quickly at promotional photos of Dan + Shay and noticed that one of the members of the duo has long hair (and occasionally no facial hair) and vaguely noted mentally that one of them was female. This is not the case. That misjudged member of the duo is named Dan, which is generally recognized to be a name for males and possibly those who identify as males. 

Those newly-informed readers who are still perusing these paragraphs may be surprised to learn, additionally, that Shay is the always-bearded member of the platinum-selling, ACM Award winning musical act. Indeed, Shay is the lead vocalist of the group, but in fact possesses the attributes that identify Mooney as a male, though if that definition has changed as of the posting of this story, I apologize to anyone I may have offended and will attempt to better myself.

“Huh, you learn something every day,” said Jackson Smith of Houston, upon coming to the realization that Shay Mooney is not a woman. “But they still suck.” Smith also posted a politically incorrect comment about the duo’s sexuality below the Facebook link for this very story. It was hidden or deleted promptly.

Shay Mooney, upon finding out that many music fans assumed him to be a her, stated “I don’t care, I’m rich.”

Apr 16, 2021

Local Man Mows Vulgar Phrase on Radio Station Lawn

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, May 03, 2013 

Local country music fan Reginald Spears was arrested Friday morning after mowing a vulgar phrase onto the lawn of radio station WTSM Catfish 104.9 FM. 

Police said Spears, who has a long record of misdemeanors and public complaints, was taken into custody without incident at the country station as he admired his work from the seat of his John Deere riding lawnmower. Deputy William Cranston said the man was finishing off a bottle of whiskey and singing to himself before turning around with his hands behind his back. 

"We'd gotten a few calls about a white male driving a mower through town with shoes dragging behind, but hadn't been able to find him until the radio station manager called us," said Cranston. 

WTSM manager Bart McGee confronted the man before calling police.  "I asked him if he was with our lawn care service because he looked suspicious and kind of familiar. There wasn't a truck or trailer anywhere, just him on his mower," said McGee. "It wasn't until he said something about us only playing George Jones because he died that I noticed what he'd just done... there was a huge 'F**k You' mowed into the grass." 

Although Mr. Spears was not available for comment at press time, his wife - Laverne Spears, also local was all too pleased to fill us in on the events leading up to the incident. "His alarm clock woke him up with the radio playing that Forrest Gump remix of 'Finally Friday' and he got up cranky. He said he was gonna show them sumb*tches about respecting the Possum." 

"He went out and cranked up the mower and I thought he was just gonna cut the yard till he drove off down the road," she continued.  Spears' ride apparently took him to Barney's Package Store, then the Goodwill Store, where he was seen tying shoes behind the mower. He snarled mid-morning traffic as he drove the slow-moving vehicle through the town square to his final destination. 

"He pointed at those shoes behind his mower and asked me 'Who the f**k's gonna fill em? Fake Shelton?' I could smell whiskey on his breath," recounts McGee. "Then a light came on and I remembered he was the same guy who cut our signal a couple of years back for playing 'Christmas Shoes.' What a kook!" 

Spears may now be facing some actual jail time due to his prior record. His charges for this "protest" include operating a non-street-legal vehicle in traffic, driving while intoxicated and vandalism.  "That vandalism charge is bullsh*t," claims Mrs. Spears. "Their grass was high as an armadillo's *ss. He was helping them out. They can kiss my *ss too! Long live the Possum!" 

Apr 9, 2021

Man Was Just Concerned Band Might Not Play Songs They Play at Every Show

The man who kept yelling out the names of songs the band plays at every show was just concerned they wouldn’t. He didn’t realize he was annoying you with his constant hollering of obvious song titles, and acting pissed when they didn’t play one of those songs immediately after his obnoxious request.

Lee Baker, of Tallahassee, is a contractor and father of three, who because of the pandemic and his family duties hasn’t been to a live music show in over 2 years. You may recognize him as the average looking dad with dark circles under his eyes who’s always alone at Americana, country, and folk rock shows, very drunk, and looking as if he hasn’t been out of the house in ages.

“Well, I haven’t been to a show in over 2 years,” said Baker. “And I haven’t been out of the house in ages, so I just wanted to make sure I’d hear my favorites. Is that so wrong? ” 

“It was so wrong.” said the band’s lead singer. “As if we weren’t going to get around to our three most popular songs that our fans love singing along to at literally every single show we do. He might as well have yelled at me to ‘make vocalizations with your throat, tongue, and mouth!’” 

Like a Skynyrd fan yelling “Free Bird!,” Baker held his IPA in the air and continuously screamed out titles that are so much a part of the bands repertoire that they don’t even include them on the typed out set list any more. “What’s he think?” asked the group’s bassist. “We’re gonna play Luke Bryan covers and deep cuts all night?!” 

“He even yelled out one song they’d already played,” said another exasperated show goer. “I’ve talked to him before and he’s a nice guy until the lights go down. He needs to get laid.”


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