The Crud Report: October '23

Lori McKenna Album Bundle Comes with Tissues, Cooling Eye Mask

New album rollouts and merchandising have become more fun and unique in recent years, with artists offering different packages and bundles to sate the hardcore fan and the casuals alike. Many of them play into themes of the albums or upcoming tours, customizing the listener’s experience with t-shirts, bookmarks, posters, and other items to go along with the CDs or vinyl.

Lori McKenna, an esteemed country-folk singer/songwriter, has gone an extra step with one of her recent releases. Long known for heartfelt stories of real life hardship, grief, and heartache, McKenna is leaning into her assumedly despondent vibe. 

As one might expect, the 1988 Rainy Weekend Bundle includes a copy of 1988 on black vinyl, a Lori tee, and temporary tattoos. Here’s where the marketing synergy begins. This deluxe package, priced at $69.95, also includes Kleenex Ultra Soft tissue, Clear Eyes Redness Relief eye drops, a swelling reducing cooling eye mask, and a coupon for wine. 

“We thought we’d give the fans something they were going to have to buy after they listen to this album anyway,” said McKenna. “This will save them a red-faced, snotty sleeved trip to Kroger!”

McKenna, who has made a career out of making listeners disconsolate, said if this option sells well, she may add it to the merch table at shows. “Then they won’t walk out of my concerts looking like somebody told them their dog died while rescuing a child from the creek and the child also died.” laughed McKenna, oddly.

At press time, McKenna was Googling to see if American Aquarium has a copyright on “Sad songs make me happy.”

College Football Fans “F***ing Pumped” by Dan + Shay Performance on Gameday

Dan + Shay, a pop duo from Nashville, performed at ESPN Gameday in Tuscaloosa, AL before the Texas/Bama game this past Saturday, and college football fans could not have been more thrilled. 

“Are you f***ing serious?” asked Longhorn fan Jimmy Redd just before the big event. “I’m drunk off about thirty-leven Busch Lights, but I’m serious when I say this: I cannot BELIEVE we get to hear them today! They're almost as good as beans in chili. F***ing pumped!”

Loud “DAN AND SHAY” chants broke out across the crowd and a wave started up as the raucous crowd laid down their pithy and silly Gameday signs to watch the the duo in all their glory. The group, Dan Smyers and Shay Somebody, has had great success in recent years convincing mainstream radio that their music is country, racking up awards, airplay, and legions of excited fans.

“I’m ready to run through a wall,” shouted Kayleigh Miller of Vestavia Hills, as the superstars took their marks on stage. “I hope Coach Saban and the team are watching this to get jacked up for the game!”

Over a thumping beat, and lightly strummed guitars, the megastars performed a medley of their smash hits, including “Tequila,” “She Keeps Them in Her Purse,” and “Can I Pick Out the Wedding Theme?” When the short concert was over, football fans in attendance and across America were indeed “ready for some football” as Hank Jr. once sang.

“They could not have possibly picked out a more badass way to get us turnt!” said Leo Halverson, a Tide fan from West Memphis. “I’m happy as s**t they knew exactly what the demographic for SEC college football wanted and needed this morning. ROOOOOLLLLL MOTHERF***ING TIDE!!!!!!!!!!!”

Alabama, the host team whose campus Dan + Shay played on, lost 34-24.

The Crud Report: September '23

Woman Googles Country Singer’s Politics to Make Sure She Likes The Song

A recent convert to country music fandom, Marietta Lester of West Memphis, AR, is doing a little research. The song she just heard on a TikTok video really grabbed her. So much so that she replayed the video several times, bobbing her head along to the sparse but plaintive tune. 

“I had to stop myself though!” said a concerned Lester. “I can’t be sure that the melody is truly pleasing to my ears until I make sure the singer shares the exact same political ideologies as me.” 

Lester immediately began to scan the internet to verify that she did indeed enjoy the song. “What if he supports the people who are trying to destroy our country?” she pondered. “What if he didn’t boycott the same companies I was boycotting in 2016??”

Throughout her Google, Wikipedia, and Twitter (X) investigation, Lester searched both the singer’s name and the song’s title, to little avail. His only online presence of note was the one TikTok video and an old Reddit sportscar thread where he called someone a “dickhead” in 2019. 

“I just need to be sure it’s good - my ears have lied to me before.” said Lester. “It’d be so bad if I told the people in my bubble I like the song and they already had the inside scoop that he was one of those fascists on the other side of the political aisle! They’d kick me off the text thread and Linda wouldn’t meet me for brunch at Another Broken Egg on Friday mornings anymore!”

Very little is known of the viral sensation who dropped the hot song, other than his rural living situation and clear lack of a wardrobe consultant. The artist has been courted by several political firebrands on Twitter, but seems content to move his career along slowly.

At press time, Marietta dropped her head a bit and said “Well, the song isn’t actually good after all; he’s a f***ing centrist.”

The Crud Report, August '23, Volume III

The Crud Report: August '23, Volume II

Garth Brooks Announces Scavenger Hunt to Find the One Copy of His Next Album

Country superstar Garth Brooks recently announced the details of his 18th album (counting Christmases and Chris Gaines and whatnot), which is not his next release, but the one after the one he just announced was only being included in a new Bass Pro Shop box set. If you’re still with us, just know that we’re befuddled too. 

While many Garth fans and country music fans in general have scratched their heads at Brooks’ increasingly inaccessible music catalog, the mega-star behind country classics “Friends in Low Places” and “The Dance” intends for his 2024 album to be an even bigger enigma.

Upon a Time, Brooks’ 18th studio release (or 14th, depending on what you consider an album), will only be released as a single cassette tape, and when they say ‘single,’ they mean it. The album will be hidden somewhere in Nashville, with a scavenger hunt providing the clues for one lucky person to find the only copy of Upon a Time in existence. 

“It’s gonna be fun, kooky stuff,” smiled an ever-positive Garth. “Neat wild slick stuff.”

While slight on details, Garth did say that a signup for the contest would be posted on his Myspace page, and that clues would be delivered by SMS texts. “We try and stay hip with the youngsters and their apps so they’ll be as excited as us about the new album!” said Brooks. “The clues will be off the wall hints like ‘the best place to get rid of a heavy item you don’t need anymore,’ just silly stuff.”

The release date for Upon a Time has also not yet been announced, but is likely slated for fall of 2024. No singles will be released from the record, nor are there plans for it to be available digitally, so the eventual contest winner, who hopefully still owns a cassette player, will be the only human to hear it. Contest rules will clearly state that the album cannot be shared online nor played for friends and family by penalty of law, according to Brooks. 

At press time, Garth Brooks was in my house stealing the 2 CDs of his I own.

The Crud Report: August '23

Music Fan Convinces Self Song They Politically Agree With Is Pleasing

Unaware that the culture war has broken their brain, local music fan Pat Markham has convinced themself that a popular song is pleasing to listen to, despite it not being so. The song, a mid-tempo anthem with lyrics carefully chosen to align with the values of their particular side of the struggle, has caught on with many like-minded persons who believe in individuality of thought.

On their first listen, Pat grimaced a bit as the music began, sounding much like other songs in that specific genre. “I couldn’t tell it apart from that other recent song,” explained Pat. “But since all my friends in my social media bubble were touting how good it is, I gave it the ol’ college try.”

“I read the lyrics as I listened to it the second time, and it really started to speak to me,” relayed Markham. “The way the singer warbled about the things I’m against was inspiring.” 

The song in question has become a rallying cry for people who feel wronged in today’s society. Even with its laborious lyrics, cliche sonic pastiche, mediocre vocals, and lack of artfulness, the tune has really caught on because of its use of political-party-approved key words and insinuations to keep adversaries in their place. 

“It really brings us all together,” smiled Markham, now watching the music video. “Hell yeah! This is the way all normal people should feel and if they don’t, they’re an enemy of humanity!”

At press time, Pat was listening to the song a 4th time while making a face that indicated there might be a foul odor wafting about the room. 

The Crud Report: July '23, Volume II

Man Beaten in Parking Lot for Saying Zach Bryan Only “Pretty Good”

A music influencer and blogger was assaulted this week in the parking lot of his place of employment. Jesse Lindvall of Tupelo, MS, was walking out of his office Monday afternoon, when a large group of young men and women reportedly accosted him.

The attack left Lindvall, 36, with a bloodied nose, scratches, bruises, and a hunk of hair pulled out. “I took out a couple of them before they just overwhelmed me,” said the victim. “Those 2 were women, but hey, they hit me first and they had weapons, so I don’t feel bad about it.”

The reason for the violence left police scratching their heads. “So, they beat him up because he said (popular Americana/country artist) Zach Bryan is only ‘pretty good,’” said Tupelo police chief Harold May. “Sometimes I don’t even understand what’s going on anymore.”

“That’s right,” confirmed a shaken Lindvall, “they said it was because I have a large platform - my website and social media accounts - and have repeatedly said I think Zach Bryan is just alright.” Lindvall assumed they’d tracked him down by his Instagram posts. He then relayed to us the bizarre events of the fray.

He was leaving his printing company job around 5:02 Monday afternoon, when 2 women wearing Zach Bryan t-shirts approached him at his truck. They allegedly yelled “Only pretty good, huh?? You motherf***er!!!!” before both swinging their customized tumblers at Lindvall's face. One struck him on the right cheek before he pushed one of the assailants to the ground. 

A third female attacker ran out of the bushes yelling “something in the black and blue!” and delivered a punch to his right eye. Lindvall recoiled with an elbow, unintentionally knocking out one of the first women. He then rammed another of them with the door of his Silverado, before a gang of 6-10 others, including several bearded, vaping men, descended upon him.

When he woke up, the group was gone, leaving him with a scratched cornea, bleeding face, and a bald spot. There were also several Zach Bryan stickers covering his truck. He was treated at the scene.

Police say the print company’s security camera was not in operation, so none of the offenders have been identified, but that if anyone in the public has information about the crime to contact police immediately. “I don’t think there’s a threat to the community or anything,” laughed May. “But maybe watch what you say online about Zac Brown or Bryan or whoever. These community college kids are tougher than they look.”

At press time, Lindvall was purging his online presence of any references to Zach Bryan.

The Crud Report: July 2023

Kid Rock’s White House Burns; Meth Lab Explosion Suspected

Country/rock star Kid Rock’s grandiose White House replica home burned overnight, and fire investigators say it appears to be due a meth lab explosion. Experts say the evidence was so substantial and certain that Rock, real name Bob Richey, was taken into custody on scene.

An inside source spoke to us off the record to share the absurdity of the circumstances. “The yard was just littered with burning cars up on blocks, chickens running for their lives, an outhouse, and a makeshift whiskey still.” said anonymous source Terry Jones, assistant fire investigator of Nashville, “It was the wildest thing I’ve seen since that John Rich fiasco.”

He went on to detail the source of the fire clearly being a corner utility room littered with broken beakers, metal piping, and a somehow unscathed pile of Sudafed. “There was also a half-melted metal door sign that said ‘Meth Lab,’ so we’ve pretty much got him dead to rights,” said Jones. 

Back on record with the chief of police, Brittan Marks, we learned that an uninjured Richey was taken into custody without incident, wearing only a pair of flip flops and a “Hillary Lied” t-shirt. He was processed and bonded out a few hours later. 

“With a net worth in the millions, we’re not sure why Mr. Richey would need to be cooking up meth, you know,” said a bemused Chief Marks, “Maybe he was just trying to live up to his outlaw reputation.”

At press time, Mr. Rock was tweeting and working on plans for his new ten-story ass shaped house on the same hill.

#fakenews #satire

Large Man With Face Tattoos Following You Down Alley Not Jelly Roll. Run!!

Hey you. Yes, you reading this very article as you scurry down the alley to your car from the vape shop. Don’t make any noticeable movements, but there’s a guy following you. Dammit, you looked. Yeah, that guy with the beard and the art gallery on his face. 

Nope. Your first thought is wrong. It’s not country rapper/singer Jelly Roll! You should run. Seriously.

While your initial reaction to seeing the portly fellow walking faster than a guy that size should walk, ten yards behind you and closing, was that it may be the “Need a Favor” singer, I’m here to tell you that Mr. Roll is currently in the studio recording a guest appearance on a Willie Nelson track, so it’s not him. Move your ass!

He’s getting a bit winded now; you’ve only got 30 more steps to your Altima but now is not the time to lose focus. Screw the second thoughts - I’m telling you it’s not Jason Bradley DeFord, aka Jelly Roll, American multi-genre singer/songwriter who won 3 CMT Awards this year for “Son of a Sinner.” This particular fellow has a hand in the pocket of his hoodie and it’s not to hand you a mix tape. 

Oh now, you’re feeling bad for judging someone by their appearance. Sir or ma’am or other, I’m thinking even Jelly Roll - who is an admitted reformed criminal and seems like he’s really made a change for the better - would tell you not to give this guy the benefit of the doubt. Trust your gut. 

Shit! He’s caught up. As you look into the tattooed face of your attacker, your fingers attempting to enable the Emergency SOS on your phone you thought was in your pocket, the man reaches out his hand and says “You dropped your phone back there.” 

My bad.

This SHOCKING! Garth Brooks Clickbait is Carefully Worded to Infuriate 50% of You

This'll get blood pressure rising!

Farce the Music today posted this clickbait article about Garth Brooks. It says nothing new you can’t read anywhere else, but it doesn’t really matter. This next sentence have doesn’t to make sense any and you’ll still glance through for long enough to make ad impressions or whatever. This is the introductory paragraph that grabs either Conservatives or traditional country fans by the balls and twists. Take that!

{Here are several ads in a row so you’re not quite sure if the story is already over or not. Some of you will leave at this point, but we got your click.}

BUT IT CONTINUES!!! Garth did a thing. What thing?, you ask. Perhaps it was about BEER! 

BEER BEER FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES BEER TRANS DIVERSITY A-HOLES BEER!!!!! Can you imagine the gall it took him to say or do whatever this article is about???? 

This article doesn’t even have enough words to count as an article, does it? Not my problem. Did you hear about GARTH PANTYHOSE WAYLON GARTH FINGER****ING???????? HOLY SHIT THAT’S CRAZY! This’ll definitely play out poorly in the Facebook comments section with friends tagged, John Rich mentioned, and several fights planned that would actually take place if the combatants weren’t in Texas and North Carolina respectively, which is too far to drive for a fist fight, IMO. Regardless, it’s more ad revenue on FB for just mentioning GARTH GARTH GARTH. ALSO CHRIS GAINES IS BACK!

{Another ad for one of our sister websites or possibly Bass Pro Shop or AARP, depending on what the algorithm determines is best targeted to you.}

And here’s where we remind you about that time Garth did that other thing you vaguely remember. HA HA SERIAL KILLER GARTH WHERE ARE THE BODIES, and here’s a screen shot of that creepy video he did and a link to another similar story but if you keep scrolling it’ll go to some more Garth or Miranda stories anyway!

Here is the clever quip to end the article, followed by a cutesy reaction gif or some shit.

At press time, Garth Brooks was [check back in 30 minutes for the next story about him].

{Animal attacking a dumb person at a national park video.}

MIRANDA'S HUSBAND REVEALS HOT BODY ON INSTA!

JELLY ROLL TO GUEST ON EVERY ALBUM FOR THE NEXT 13 MONTHS!

BUCKY COVINGTON ANNOUNCES NEW NASHVILLE FOOD TRUCK

Garth Brooks Seen Scouting Clandestine Outskirts Ahead of Vegas Residency

Country music superstar Garth Brooks has been spotted in some unexpected locations around Clark County, NV this past week, ahead of his Vegas residency. Several reports of Garth sightings have come from around Corn Creek, Echo Bay, and Sloan, leading to great speculation among fans and residents alike.

Garth + One, the series of shows starting July 6 and rolling on into 2024, will include the titular megastar playing both solo and full band sets. It will take place at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace. However, Garth wasn’t expected in town until early July for final show prep. 

“He had a range finder or something and he was sitting on the hood of an older model Chevy,” said Corn Creek resident Jeff Rodriguez. “I was on my way to a friend’s house and thought it looked weird. I just slowed down, didn’t stop, but I know it was him dog. Weird behavior.”

Another Clark County resident who didn’t want to go on record said she witnessed a similar thing. She told us he was way off the road by a wash and she’s a ranger so she had binoculars on her. “100 percent it was him; he must have been scouting a video shoot or something. The only people who come back here are drug dealers …and I guess murderers if we’d had any lately.” she shrugged.

There’s been no confirmation from Garth or his people, but locals are convinced and one man even had a wild conspiracy theory on the matter. “Where are the bodies Garth?” laughed Terrence Martin, a Vegas blackjack dealer. “This all fits the narrative my dudes. He’s looking for places to offload some more corpses. Tourists be on guard! He gone put some more friends in low places if you know what I mean.”

At press time, Garth Brooks had announced 5 forthcoming Chris Gaines albums.

The Crud Report: June 2023

Dierks Bentley Just as Surprised as You That He Has 22 #1 Hits

Country music star Dierks Bentley reported Thursday that he is just as surprised as you to find out that he has twenty-two number one country hits. The Arizona-born singer expressed outright shock that he’d reached such an impressive milestone.

“22??” he asked incredulously, “How is that even possible when it takes a year for a song to move up the chart if your name isn’t Morgan Wallen or Luke Combs?” He couched that statement with a “No offense guys; take me on tour.”

Bentley went on to attempt to name 10 of the songs that hit number one on either the Mediabase/Country Aircheck country chart. 

“Well obviously there’s “Gold” which I remember because it’s my last single, but after that it gets sketchy,” he laughed. “Okay, uh… “What Was I Thinkin’” was my first, then there were like 5 in a row that sounded alike that might’ve hit #1… does “Every Mile Down the Road I Go Alone” sound right?”

“”Sideways!” …that’s one for sure,” he went on. “Okay, being drunk somewhere popped into my head… a beach, a plane, church?, maybe at Kid Rock’s bar?” 

Bentley, 47, was unable to name another of his single releases that had topped the charts correctly, throwing out phrases like he was playing Win, Lose, or Draw. “It’s hard because, you know, either my songs are party hard uptempo songs or mid tempo songs about driving somewhere, it’s difficult to keep up, honestly,” admitted Bentley.

At press time, Dierks was lamenting not being a trend-chaser and was considering a few bass drops and curse words on his next record. 

The Crud Report: May '23