Some 42.7 million caucasians were chastised, repudiated, and cancelled on Thursday as Spotify, Amazon, and Apple Music records indicated that they had listened to David Allan Coe’s “If That Ain’t Country” at least twice. Jobs were lost, threats were made, teenagers were doxxed, and 20+ tweet Twitter-threads were dashed off as the indignities came to light.
Transportation ground to a halt, financial systems shut down, service industries froze, and the economy tanked due to the sheer proportion of the population cancelled. President Biden called for calm during a White House press conference to discuss the crisis, then curiously asked “You don’t think they can scan a 1983 jam box do you?”
Most of the streaming sites quietly removed the original version of “If That Ain’t Country” in recent months, but still had the offending song plays archived.
“We get it if someone listened to the song once; they may have been doing research,” said Equity in Country Music spokesperson Ajenta Koss. “But when it came to light that these people heard the ’n-word’ in the song and then had the audacity to listen again - clearly each and every one of them is a vile racist, unworthy of employment or the opportunity for redemption.”
She went on to say that the streaming sites were also being asked to provide data showing who’d listened to Waylon Jennings as well. “We don’t have actual proof that he was racist,” she laughed. “But just look at him - you know he was. Those pictures with Muhammad Ali were clearly Photoshopped.”
The controversial Coe, who pretty much exists outside any formal institution he could be cancelled from, offered no comment. The country music legend was said to be looking forward to touring again later this year, rehearsing the three songs he usually gets around to playing, and practicing complaining and walking off stage early.
At a press conference on Thursday, Nashville’s Big Loud Records introduced their newest artist signing, Wally Cole Morgan. The young singer out of La Follette, TN, smiled for cameras and label chief Seth England did the presentation.
“We’re proud to show off our newest money-maker, errr, artist, Mr. Wally Cole Morgan!” said England. “I know times are weird, especially for us, but we think Wally is going to more than make up for our recent losses.” England was referring to the suspension of cash-cow Morgan Wallen after video surfaced of Wallen using the “n-word” after a drunken night with friends.
Morgan bears a strong resemblance to Wallen - uncanny in fact - but Stacy Blythe, vice-president of promotion, assured us that any similarities were borne of our own narrow mindedness. “Morgan comes to us a fully formed original, and he’s ready to record and tour and rake in the dough, uh… I mean, rake in the fans!” she smiled. “In fact, he’s already got a record in the can.”
The album, entitled Also Dangerous, is due March 19th with a single “11 Summers” being released next Friday. Big Loud played us some snippets of the songs, and again, Wally sounded a great deal like Morgan Wallen. One might even suspect these songs were the outtakes from Wallen’s Dangerous double album.
Blyth reiterated that our own biases were shining through and that Morgan’s music was entirely unique and in no way just tracks that were deemed too weak for Wallen’s album. “Sure Wally has a mullet - who doesn’t?” she laughed. “But you’ll see that he has green eyes and a mustache! Clearly not the same guy.”
At press time, Big Loud had just sent out an email blast saying that Morgan Wallen was still suspended and taking some time “walking in someone else’s shoes.”
While Covid mandates continue to restrict large gatherings of people in most states, some bro-country artists have taken to having secret house concerts to avoid the watchful eye of the law, and the certain scorn of social media. Many of these shows have gone undetected, with the singers and audiences quieting down and hiding at first report of police in the area. As a result, law enforcement has had to employ a new tactic to bust these illegal concerts: Axe-sniffing dogs.
“We’ve found that teens and men who enjoy this kind of music tend to wear offensively strong smelling body sprays such as Axe, so we’ve trained Buster, our drug-sniffing K9, to identify similar odors.” said K9 Unit Lt. Parker Davis of the Smyrna Police Department. “It’s working like a charm so far.”
The SPD has already shut down 2 Chase Rice concerts, a Chris Janson show, and a couple of other up-and-coming bro-country artists' parties. “There were 25 jacked-up pickup trucks in this cul-de-sac, so we knew something was going on when we followed up on a complaint from neighbors, but the area was completely silent when we started investigating,” said Davis. “Knocks didn’t root anything out, but Buster just smashed through the fence of one yard… you should have seen the wallet chains gleaming in the street lights as they all ran for it.”
Fines were levied, and four open container arrests were made. Similar stories have come in from the Tallahassee, FL area as well. “We taught our dog Hurley to detect body spray and White Claw,” said TPD’s K9 officer Levon Goins. “He’s rooted out 5 different illegal shows. I’ve never seen so many drunk white girls.”
One of the illicit concerts shut down in Tallahassee also led to arrests for crystal meth and prescription drug possession with intent. “That was one of those ‘hick hop’ shows, I think his name was Upshirt, Upchurch, something like that.” laughed Goins.
Almost as quickly as they’d flipped the ideological switches 4 years ago, Americana artists this week returned to familiar pastures, turning their attentions from Donald Trump to subjects more native to the genre. Just like that, well-meaning but sometimes overwrought protest anthems were replaced by the sweet sounds of murder ballads and odes to ghost cowboys.
Some 35 new singles showed up in this writer’s Spotify Release Radar this morning from roots and folk artists, nary a one of them mentioning a “Cheeto” or border walls. Almost as if some dark cloud lifted from their minds, the lyrics of their songs suddenly saw tractors plowing the earth, drunks lamenting their lost loves, and coal miners praying for salvation on their death beds.
Jason Isbell began work on his promised album of Georgia artist cover songs, even finding himself jovial enough to cover Charlie Daniels’ “A Few More Rednecks.”BJ Barham of American Aquarium announced that his band was working on a new EP completely themed around North Carolina State’s signature wins in football (may have to be reduced to a single IMO). Even Will Hoge cracked a smile, vowing to release an album of songs about old pickup trucks and moonshining this March.
For his part, country and Americana legend Steve Earle was way ahead of the curve. “Oh I knew the emperor’s end was coming and it was time to get back to what we do best - and that’s singing about things from the 1950s as if they’re still relevant.” Indeed, Earle’s last 4 albums have been either covers or songs about trains, mining, and medicine show barkers.
At press time, producer Dave Cobb was booked from now until Labor Day 2023. Americana is healing.
Against all odds, hit country duo Florida-Georgia Line has once again brought together a frayed United States of America. Despite differences of opinion on subjects that hold together the very fabric of democracy, citizens of this great country put aside their differences, if only for the amount of time they could stomach the song, to announce their unbridled hatred of the act’s latest release entitled “New Truck.”
Across social media, shared disgust and cries for decency rang out as the insipid hip-hop flavored pop-country turd filtered through the populace. Neither Donald Trump, nor Joe Biden, nor an actual Constitutional crisis could divide a thoroughly repulsed nation as they uniformly decried Brian Kelley and Tyler Hubbard’s two-and-a-half minute journey through hell.
“We’re better than this,” said Biden-voter Verna Jackson. “I know things are tough right now and some people are trying to ignore the people’s will, but I will join hands with Republicans to cleanse America of this threat to our sanity and sense of decorum.”
“They should be censored!” shouted anti-censorship activist Carl Wilberson. “While I’m okay with all sorts of ‘deviant’ and ‘dangerous’ art and speech being allowed in the public forum, this goes beyond the limits of human decency. They should be put on house arrest for life.”
“It's injurious to the republic,” said Republican Ginnie Marks. “I’ve become more open-minded to differing viewpoints and I understand that people have their own opinions and lifestyles, but this is just sickening.” She went on to say that she’d turn in a gun or two if the song could be banned and purged from existence.
For a moment, all Americans stood upon a shining hill, arm in arm, neither ethnicity nor gender nor religion separating us in our shared sense of aversion.
At press time, a Florida-Georgia Line fan who told Americans to “just not listen to it” had been taken into custody by the FBI.
Folk singer Torland Minor says he’s been denied receiving the Covid vaccine in the early rollout despite having what he describes as an “old soul.” Minor, 24, made multiple attempts at signing up for both the Pfizer and Moderna inoculations but was kicked out of the sign-up process despite his claims.
Minor, clad in oil-stained brown trousers, a plaid shirt with a vest, and a long London Fog raincoat, visited with us and stated his case for inclusion in the first wave of shots. “Both the online and phone bank sign-ups wouldn’t even give me a chance once I submitted my age, but what of the depth and vision of a man?” asked Minor. “What of his levels of empathy for the downtrodden and what of his love of Werther’s Originals?”
Torlund has made a name for himself on the folk scene in recent years with his downbeat tales of train-hopping wanderers and climate-change threatened tribesmen. Pitchfork called his 2019 album Forked Toungues and Peacoats a “snapshot of a young man who’s given up on the wonder and yearnings of youth” and Under the Radar called him “an up and coming folkster who seems to carry the world with the burden of a man six decades his elder.”
“If that’s not proof enough, I don’t know.” laughed Minor. “I even shushed some kids in the bodega the other night.”
When asked if he has any pre-existing conditions that might make him more susceptible to the coronavirus, Torlund simply replied “life is a pre-existing condition.”
At press time Minor was mixing himself a Tom Collins.
A self-described “real country fan” is miffed at you. You recently posted your “Top 10 Albums of 2020” on your blog, and he’s positively enraged that you didn’t include his favorite, despite it being a terribly obscure, poorly produced, entirely un-marketed album of lo-fi outlaw country.
“I can’t believe this s***,” said Carl Outlaw, the aforementioned real country fan. “They call themself a fan of country and Americana music and yet didn’t give Harl Bodens & The Can Draggers’ album even an honorable mention?? They probably should shut down the blog.”
The album, entitled Meth & Merle, was only released through Harl Bodens’ website in 8-track format or as a massive 1-track wav file, yet Outlaw expects you to have not only heard it, but to have found it to be among the best of approximately 2,394 country-related albums released in 2020. “I’m going too stop followering you.” read Carl’s blog comment. “If you ain’t as in formed as me about country music, why do I even need too bother?” (The incorrect grammar is Carl’s doing)
“Meth & Merle is clearly the most authentic country album of the century,” Carl told us. “The band recorded it in a chicken coop while stoned out of their minds on shrooms. Also, nobody else I know likes them so that means they’re good.”
Little does Mr. Outlaw know, you actually have heard the album and just didn’t think it was very good. “It sounds like it was recorded in a dumpster, the singer can’t carry a tune in a barrel, the lyrics are predictable, and the ‘fiddle’ is just some drunk guy screeching.” you informed us.
Florida-Georgia Line revealed Tuesday that they had recently attended several sessions of couples’ therapy in hopes of healing their strained relationship. Several months of political disagreements played out publicly on social media during the recent Presidential election, and it seemed all was lost for the duo.
Happily for the fans, it seems things are looking up. “We’re all good now,” said Tyler Hubbard. “There were some tough days there, like you have in every relationship, but I think we’ve found a common goal and reason to stay together: we love the sweet money that we made together.”
“Little Benjamin would be so upset if we broke up,” said Brian Kelley. “And Ulysses… it’d tear his tiny heart in two.” Kelly went on to say that while there were still differences in he and Hubbard’s business-marriage, doing the right thing made it much easier to maintain the alliance.
The happy couple plans to continue therapy for the foreseeable future, but feel certain they have turned the corner on their disagreements. “If Ty starts talking all his Demoncrat nonsense, I’ve been given some coping strategies to block him out and focus on my sweet little green babies.” smiled Kelley.
“And if he says one more damn word about election fraud… no no no… breathe… moolah, cheddar, bucks…” said Hubbard, reciting the nicknames of his children to himself to remember what makes his current journey worth it.
At press time, Hubbard was crying while singing a lullaby to one of his bank statements.
Portland, Ore. -- After a chaotic and tumultuous four years – and an otherworldly 2020 – it’s only fitting that unbounded bliss can turn to crushing morosity in an instant. Such is the roller coaster existence of Patterson Hood, the Portland-based activist and political commentator who moonlights as the front man for the Drive By Truckers.
Saturday, Nov. 7 was a joyous day by all accounts in the City of Roses. First CNN, then Fox News, and then all the other networks and wire services followed in turn: Joe Biden, they reported, would be the 46th President of the United States. Mostly peaceful celebrants rushed into the streets.
“It was beautiful, man,” Hood says. “Four years of fascism, finally over.” The Oregonian thought himself alone in his bliss, until that perfect moment when he found a kindred – and musical – spirit. “Kasey Anderson and I ran into each other. It turns out we were both throwing acid at the same Portland so-called ‘firefighters,’” he says. “Those dudes were f*cking with freedom-fighters who had mostly peacefully torched an Apple Store in celebration of Biden’s big win. I got the whole thing on my iPhone 12.”
Jubilation became concern on multiple levels, to Hood’s chagrin. “Turns out Kasey’s on Federal paper and has an ankle bracelet,” Hood says. “Well, he said he had an ankle bracelet. I think it was a baby monitor, to tell you the truth. Anyway, he hauled ass when they made a curfew announcement on the loudspeakers.”
Hood was undeterred, if now alone. And yet…
“I joined up with some other freedom fighters, at the last Taco Bell before it peacefully went up in flames…” Hood trails off here, caught up in the memory of a poignant moment in Portland social justice history. He is a little weepy.
“I got in line,” Hood says, choking up a bit before recovering his composure. “And person after person, be it he/she/xi/xxyx/cis, every one of us HUMAN PEOPLE said to Juan – so his corporate name tag said – YES, MY ORDER IS FOR A LIVING WAGE FOR ALL LETTUCE PICKERS IN THE CENTRAL VALLEY.”
Hood isn’t shy admitting he enjoyed the sick burn. “I mean face it, what are corporatists gonna say in the face of that kind of truth?” Sadly, the euphoric social triumph would give way to realpolitik. Such is the duality of the Southern thing – Patterson Hood-style.
“What totally freaked me out was that there was a whole other set of elections going on at the same time or whatever,” said Hood, who attended some college courses in Northern Alabama in the 1980s. “There are senate elections that happen, too. And there are some elections that happen in Georgia or whatever. And in January!”
Hood – after reading the same story in The Daily Kos three times – grew tense. When he learned that two Senate runoffs in Georgia could drastically impact President-elect Biden’s agenda, he was at first cynical. “Typical redneck Georgia, man,” Hood said. “It’s just the same Jim Crow stuff: they make a Democrat win twice, just because he’s a black guy. This kind of racist shit is why I left Georgia after living there for like 20 years or something.”
Yet rather than curse the darkness, Hood turned to a literary light.
“Somebody turned me on to this guy Tom Friedman? He writes for the New York Times and magazines, too,” he said. “He’s like an expert, but still can deal with the common man. He’s interviewed taxi drivers from Athens to Rome. Which is perfect, since those are my two favorite cities in Georgia!”
It was a national television interview of Friedman that grabbed the fifty-something poet’s attention.
“I mean, I love the way my boy mimics that cis-white woman’s stupid accent, but you gotta give the nod to the writer guy,” he said. “Which is why I’m headed back to Georgia so I can vote for Rafael Warnock…and that one cis-white guy too, since he’s also a Democrat.” Asked if he had voted in Oregon, and if that might pose legal problems in the Peach State, Hood grew indignant.
“So f*cking what, man? I mean, you gonna buy into this Jim Crow myth of “voter fraud?” Hood snapped. “You’re telling me it’s against the law to go to Georgia to vote for a black man? It’s the most anti-racist thing to do, ever. Check your patriarchy and your white privilege, bro. Seriously. Besides, Gov. Abrams will pardon us all.”
As he gathered his things to prepare for his cross-country political odyssey, he took a moment to address a music-industry rumor about his band’s most recent political album. “It is nobody’s business whether President Xi and the Peoples’ Cultural Collective sent us a small donation to support our art,” Hood said. “Besides, you can’t prove it, and it’s a totally racist and sinophobic thing to say. Only a fear-mongering redneck from Texas would say such a thing.
Mainstream country radio station WPOO out of Nashua, NH played one song for an entire hour on loop this past Wednesday and no one even noticed.
Neither listeners, staff, nor the on air DJ raised a single concern about the fact that Russell Dickerson’s “Love You Like I Used To” played 13 times between 1:30 and 2:30 eastern time. The goof wasn’t caught until that night when a station scheduler, Ray Jefferson, reviewed the playlist from that afternoon.
“That song is basically a microcosm of everything we play,” explained Jefferson, “A bland dude with kind of smooth vocals, similar guitar sound, same lyrics just rearranged… you know the deal… so honestly, I don’t blame the DJ for not noticing.” He said that while he had no idea the effect the repeat might have had on over-the-air ratings, the streaming numbers actually rose during the hour.
On-air personality "Mean" Mark Edwards said he hadn’t even been reprimanded for the slip-up. “It’s the number one song in America, maybe people thought we were just celebrating that milestone.” he said. “It’s boring as hell but it fits into the sonic oatmeal of dullness we try to put forward here at POO 102. And of course no one noticed that no women were played that hour - c'est comme ça.”
“The funniest thing about it was,” laughed Edwards, “A lady called in and requested that song while it was playing.”
Matt Sandifer, former bassist of Americana band Farmer Union, says he was recently given the pink slip for a peculiar reason.
“My beard is patchy.” said a despondent Sandifer. “I can’t help my damn genetics.”
Sandifer told us that no complaints were ever made about his ability to keep the bottom steady in the band’s songs about unions, farms, William Gay novels, Donald Trump, and kudzu. His appearance and hygiene, besides the follicular challenge, were never an issue either.
“I took my monthly shower like the rest of them,” he explained. “And my clothes all came from the Salvation Army store in whatever town we’d played, along with t-shirts from bands who opened for us.” He also told us there were no issues with his politics.
“I’m a card carrying member of Antifa and attended all the same meetings they did.” he said. “And I took a photo of my voting ballot so that they could see I voted blue or green all the way down.”
He went on to say that though Farmer Union never gave him a formal reason for the release, he’s certain it’s because the “other three dudes look like they just walked out of the woods with an axe and a blue ox.” “I’ve tried everything, oils, lotions, massages, testosterone therapy… nothing worked.” said Matt. “The best I could do was a sad goatee, a busted mustache and weird patches of hair on my cheeks - I looked like a peeping Tom.”
“I thought Americana was supposed to be about substance, and not image …or marching to the beat of what other roots bands do,” said a disgusted Sandifer. “F*** those guys.”
At press time, Farmer Union was smoking weed by a dumpster in Belleville.
An anonymous source the in the camp of pop-country duo Florida-Georgia Line says the extended relevance of Nelly has more to do with some leverage he owns rather than public demand.
Nelly, born Cornell Iral Haynes Jr., was last on top of the charts in the early to mid 2000s, but has seen a resurgence in his career thanks to country music, and in particular Florida-Georgia Line. Their first collaboration was a remix of the smash “Cruise” which went on to become one of the biggest hits of the decade in any genre.
After than, many expected for Nelly to fade into the background and go back to doing club shows and the occasional rap album, but that has not been the case. FGL has collaborated with Nelly and brought him on several big tours long after the hype for “Cruise” died down, and it left many scratching their heads. When Nelly put out his own recent song featuring FGL, we had to do a little digging.
According to our inside source (nicknamed “Benny”) Nelly, performer of such hits as “Pimp Juice” and “Hot in Herre,” has possession of several photographs that keep Tyler Hubbard and Brian Kelley at his beck and call. He’s made such requests of them as songwriting sessions, car detailings, tour slots, and their Netflix passwords.
“They are willing to do just about anything to keep Nelly from publishing those pics,” said Benny. “I honestly don’t know what the photos are of, but it must be some seedy sh*t!” Benny also said that Nelly carries the photos with him in a Halliburton briefcase attached to his wrist with handcuffs, and is never more than 5 feet from the case.
“Not to demean him because he’s had a good career, but that briefcase keeps him in steak and lobster and Bugattis,” laughed Benny. “And he’s also just showing up at their houses at all hours of the night to just hang out… their wives aren’t crazy about it but the guys just tell them they’re working on music, but they’re just shooting pool in the treehouse.”
When asked to guess what’s in the photos, Benny ventures a few possibilities. “I doubt it’s anything sexual, those dudes never had any game until they were rich and then they got married immediately, so it’s probably pics of them at a real country concert, enjoying themselves. That would devastate Florida-Georgia Line fans!”
At press time, Nelly was taking a shower with one arm through the curtain.
by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, April 01, 2011
Freddie Robison of Ink Media Designs in Nashville is pissed. "Who do they think they are?!" he rants. "I went to school for this sh*t. And you wonder why every other new cover uses Bleeding Cowboys font…"
The music industry's downturn in recent years has been a challenge to design firms specializing in art and marketing for the music industry, but the latest wrinkle is proving to be the most disconcerting.
"I got an email directly from a major country star a couple of weeks ago," explained Robison. "I won't say who, but it rhymes with 'rustin' chore.' Anyway, it said 'This is the artwork for my new album cover, please check to make sure it's ready for printing.'" Robison continued: "There was nothing attached so I replied and let him know. The next email had a .html file attached that wouldn't open in any software I own. I replied again and said that I'd need a high-res tiff or jpeg file. Well, I got a jpeg, but it was 100x100 pixels and 72 dpi. It went on like this for some time before I just redesigned the damn thing myself and didn't charge him."
Robison went on to say that he wasn't picking on "rustin' chore" in particular, but that this was now the rule, not the exception. More and more – their cash stretched thin from declining album sales – artists have turned to writing their own songs… and now, designing their own album and website art.
This has resulted in reduced productivity among prepress professionals and graphic artists across the Nashville area. Missing fonts, lack of bleed, RGB color, bad file types, corrupt files, low resolution photographs and other issues have been reported in multitude.
"Seriously though, how hard can you pinch a dime? My firm gets $85-100 bucks an hour for this… I don't even take home a quarter of that. It's hard to keep gas in a Maybach, I guess," pondered Robison.
Robison also told us of one flat-chested female singer who'd simply used Photoshop Elements to copy and paste Kim Kardashian's chest over her own for her inner sleeve photo. "And she used Comic Sans for her lyrics… I mean, WTF?"
In a recent Instagram post, country superstar Luke Bryan revealed that he has recently suffered from a debilitating condition. Its medical name is Resting Defecation Face and rather than pontificate on his situation, we’ll simply copy and paste the text from his own Instagram account:
I’ve got a lot of comments about my beard lately and thought I’d come out and address the reasons for it. It’s not because I’ve got lazy during the pandemic or nothing. I mean, I’ve relaxed a lot more but I still got them abs baby! Still gonna shake it for y’all when we get to tour again! Looking forward to seeing everybody on the road, hopefully next year! But let’s get serious for a minute. My wife (and some of you) had mentioned to me that I always have a particular expression in the photos where I ain’t smiling. To be honest, Carolyn just came out and said “You looking like you’re taking a big dump.” LOL.
So anyway, I started looking through all my promo photos in the last few years and she was right! I look like I got the beer and meat sweats and I’m struggling on the throne, LOL. I got my wife to take some pictures of me so I could try a different look, but it was no use. My face was stuck that way! I started growing this beard to help distract from it, but now people are telling me it makes me look even more like a creepy dude pinching a loaf. So I went to the doctor to see if I might have a problem. It wasn’t 5 minutes before he knew the problem. Resting Defecation Face! He says it’s a real thing! It’s where a person’s relaxed facial expression gives the impression that they are growing a tail! The focused in the distance eyes, the curled lips, the exposed teeth, the general air of distress. It’s a real condition! Carolyn calls it Resting Poop Face, LMAO.
I promise y’all I ain’t filling my skinny jeans in those pictures. It’s just natural I guess. The doctor is giving me some facial exercises to try and reshape the structure, but I may be stuck like this. Maybe it’ll catch on and be a cool new Tik Tok challenge or whatever the #lukebryanpoopfacechallenge LOL! Again, I’m seriously not dropping kids off at the pool in those photos! I’m not that old yet!
Anyway, I just thought y’all should know. Please keep me and my dookie face in your thoughts and prayers and we request privacy at this time.
Two weekends ago, Morgan Wallen spent his Saturday drinking and canoodling with sorority girls at the University of Alabama. One weekend ago, Wallen was supposed to make his Saturday Night Live debut, but that didn’t happen. Due to its COVID policies, SNL was forced to replace Wallen with singer/songwriter/guitarist Jack White, and fans of the mulleted pop-country singer are not pleased.
“It don’t exist… Covid don’t exist!” said Laura Hagar of South Carolina, “It’s a liberal hoax to make sure Sleepy Joe wins the election. And now it’s hurt my baby, Morgan!” Hagar has seen over 20 Wallen concerts and even has his autograph tattooed across her C-section scar. “And I seen people on Facebook talking down on him cause he was kissing them girls even though he’s got a new baby. B**ch, life don’t end just cause you daddy. Anyway, I will never watch MBC again. (sic)”
Larry Keel, another Wallen fan, is taking a similar approach. “I’m boycotting Saturday Night Live, starting 22 years ago because that’s when I was born, and I’ve never watched it,” he said. “And I’m not gone start now - they coulda brought him out there in a HAZMAT suit… it’s bullsh**.”
The Morgan Wallen Nation, a fan page on Facebook, has declared that it will boycott NBC, SNL, and all of Saturday Night Live’s sponsors, including Bud Light and Apple. “Axe Body Spray is going to be a tough one, but I’m sure there are options out there to keep us smelling like if tribal tattoos were an odor.” read one post.
“Who the hell is Jake White?” asked one fan on Twitter. “I watched him for 10 seconds and he was to ugly for me too look at. Give me my sexy country boy SNL!!!”
Wallen, for his part, has apologized for his behavior and for ruining his opportunity. “I think I have some growing up to do.” said the singer.
At press time, a subset of his fans have taken exception to his contriteness, calling him a “soy boy” and a “cuck” and vowing to throw their support to Luke Combs.
Roots rock singer/songwriter Alessa Torrance is facing a problem not new to artists of her ilk. Fans and casual listeners alike are constantly telling her to “shut up and sing.” In most cases, that phrase is used to express discomfort with the political opinions a singer is putting forth on social media or between songs at concerts. However, in Alessa’s case, it seems like a good idea.
“She’s always talking about her toenail fungus.” said Jerry Lucas, a fan of Torrance since 2008. “It’s really disgusting and I’d rather hear her misguided opinions about the border wall than foot hygiene.”
Another concert-goer told us Alessa was obsessing about a mole on her back during the show he attended. “She even stopped mid-song one time to pull her shirt up and show it to an RN in the audience.” said Bill Phillips of Des Moines, “She was convinced it was skin cancer, but I just wanted her to entertain me.”
Many country and Americana singers are met with disapproval for sharing their thoughts on Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Covid-19, the economy, and other topics in these divided times. Artists such as Tyler Childers and Chris Stapleton have faced backlash for their songs and comments regarding racial tensions. Perhaps Ms. Torrance is the proper focus of this ire.
“My snot is green… is that normal????” read a concerned tweet from Torrance this past Tuesday. She has also had recent rants and worry sessions about: periods, migraines, pimples, a bout of diarrhea, ingrown hairs, toilet paper, scabs, nausea, and many other personal matters.
“I’d rather have her call me an inbred idiot for supporting Trump than listen to her talk about ear wax on stage.” said Marcy Peterson of Tallahassee, “Her hypochondria is very tiresome; she may need some counseling.”
At press time, Torrance was considering Instagramming a rash to see if anybody thought it was scabies.
