Nashville Song Plugger Swings Dead Cat, Hits Bachelorette

Nashville song plugger Larry Weathers has been charged with assault and is also being investigated for possible animal cruelty after he struck and injured bride-to-be Brayley Lynn Smith with a deceased feline on Thursday evening. 

Weathers was trying to make a point to Jenny Lindsay, a young songwriter and recent Nashville arrival, when the incident occurred. "I don't even know where he got the cat; it was just suddenly in his hand and he was twirling it," said Lindsay. "It was pretty wild." 

Smith suffered a contusion to her left elbow and lacerations about her face and hands from falling off the pedal tavern. "It was the damnedest thing," mused Smith. "I was so drunk I didn’t think it was really happening, but I think I got some fur in my mouth.” 

Weathers, who maintains that the animal was already deceased when he swung it, explained: "I was trying to illustrate to (Jenny Lindsay) the amount of competition she's up against in this town. You know… 'you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a songwriter in this town'… I assumed I'd just graze an Erik Dylan or an Ashley Gorley to show her how many great writers there are here. I didn't mean for this to happen." 

Ironically, the bachelorette has offered to drop all charges against Mr. Weathers if he can get a couple of songs Smith wrote pitched to Luke Combs.

By Trailer - Origin version posted on Country California January 17, 2009 (updated)

New Americana Singer Searching for Just the Right Stupid Looking Hat

Aramy Turner, an Americana singer from Jackson, TN has spent several days searching for just the right look. He and his band, The Loosies, are about to do the photo shoot for their debut album and Turner is working himself into a tizzy in his quest for “authenticity.”

“I can’t do a cowboy hat because the Texas crowd will eat me alive on social media for not wearing it with just the right crease or something,” he fretted. “And the Texas scene is definitely a market where we want to get a foothold demographically …uh, I mean, them fans is real and shucks, we just want to play ‘em good music!”

Turner tries on a porkpie hat and smiles. “That’s what I’d love to wear, because I’m a hipster from way back, but I know Farce the Music would make fun of me, not that they have quite as much clout since the bro-country era, according to our data… um, I mean, I’m just gonna go a different direction so I look more natural.” said Aramy, giving a little too much away. “And I can’t do a flat cap because I’ve never been in a hardcore band.” 

The Loosies, for their part declined the invitation to shop for headwear with their mouthpiece, settling on trucker caps and fishing hats they already owned, and the label approved. Turner knows that he’ll be a focal point in the promotion though, so he’s struggling to strike that perfect balance between fashion plate and “real hard-working salt-of-the-earth type who just happens to sing songs about loss of train culture and raising the minimum wage.”

“I can’t look like I tried too hard, even though that’s what I’m doing right now,” laughed Turner. “And I also can’t do the Luke Combs thing where it looks like he just pulled out a beer-stained hat that was stuck in some gum under his truck seat.” 

At press time, Turner was working with a haberdasher to custom design a fedora/cowboy hat hybrid that would hide his receding hairline and set off his beard just right.

Tool Dresses as Kenny Chesney to Attend Kenny Chesney Concert

Local tool, in his usual attire

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California April 09, 2009 - Idea by Mr. Wilcox

Local tool and fan of "whatever the country station is playing," Morty 'Mo' Haas, dressed up as Kenny Chesney to attend Friday's Kenny Chesney concert. The idea first came to Mo after a shower, as he stared through a heavy cloud of Axe at his image in the fogged mirror and realized just how much he looked like the superstar from east Tennessee. The male pattern baldness, the insane guns, the extraordinarily average visage, the 5 foot 5 stature... it all added up. 

Two hours later, Mo and his buddy Chaz Vance stepped into the Mohegan Sun Arena dressed to kill... margaritas. Mo was clad in a sleeveless Hooters t-shirt, a rumpled cowboy hat bought at a garage sale, tattered size 36 Rustler jeans that took 10 minutes to stretch over his meaty thighs and a pair of Corona flip flops. His buddy Chaz dressed as one of Kenny's guitar players, wearing jeans and a t-shirt of some indie rock band he'd never actually heard of (R.E.M.). All the fine ladies drooled and the guys mad-dogged as they strode into the arena, Mo later reported. 

When Kenny hit the stage, singing some song about feet or Yoohoos or something, most of the fans were staring at Mo, thinking he was actually Kenny singing from the audience, reported Chaz. 

"The resemblance was disturbing" says April Curtis, who was also at the concert on Friday. "I had seats near that guy, but me and my girlfriends moved down into some empty seats because his hairy gut kept popping out from under his too-tight shirt and bumping my elbow; I nearly mouth-vomited." 

By the midway point, Chaz and Mo were so deep into the $8 margaritas that arena security officials were watching them closely. "That tool in the stretch jeans kept telling girls he actually was Kenny and that his stunt double was filling in for him tonight so he could chill with all the sexy honeys," said Rufus Long, Mohegan Sun rent-a-cop director, "and the other sleazebag was 'screening' girls for him." 

Their conduct, although pathetic, never warranted an arrest during the show, but section FF was completely devoid of females by the encore. As he and Chaz stumbled out womanless, Mo bought a $35 t-shirt as a memento of the event and promptly ripped the sleeves off. 

Side note: This basically came true 3 years later.

The Crud Report: October '19

Morgan Wallen Recites Pledge of Allegiance; Fans Assume He Wrote It

A viral video from a recent Morgan Wallen concert has tongues wagging and fans swooning. No, it’s not the clip of the cute little girl singing Wallen lyrics. It’s a 24 second video of the up-and-coming mullet-headed country singer reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, and the reactions have been perplexing.

On the video, Wallen appears, hand on chest before a waving flag on the back screen, saying those familiar words we all learned in grade school. His band softly plays “America the Beautiful” and the crowd is hushed as the solemn words fill the amphitheater. They erupt when he’s finished, and more than a few posted the moment to YouTube almost immediately.

In the 72 hours since its posting, the clearest of the videos has garnered 105,000 views and 150 comments. It has also spread on Facebook and Twitter over the past couple days. Many of the responders seem convinced that Wallen himself wrote the pledge, which was originally composed by Capt. George Thatcher Balch during the Civil War. 

Lucy Griffiths of Waco, TX, said on Facebook: “This man makes me so proud to be an American. How has know one every written a love poem for the flag before? (Sic)” Her post had 10k views, 250 shares, and 56 comments, all fawning over the supposed Wallen-scribed pledge. This was one of hundreds of posts, most describing Wallen as the “ultimate patriot” or “more smarter than most dudes what wears sleeveless shirts.” 

Twitter was also abuzz, featuring many tweets like the 2 above. Another, from ILucyWallen said “first he wrote the beautiful “Cover Me Up” (editor's note: actually written and recorded first by Jason Isbell) and now this!! Morgan is an artistic genius, full stop.” Patriotic party-poopers soon ratioed the Morgan Wallen fans into deleting the tweets or quitting Twitter.

At press time, Wallen’s camp had no comment on the viral video, and he was reportedly busy working a shift at his friend’s fireworks stand.

The Crud Report: September '19

Garth Brooks Near Destitution

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, March 26, 2013 

Garth Brooks is nearly broke. 

The somber, emaciated (for him) 51-year-old across the table from our correspondent stood in stark contrast to the color-block shirted, barrel-chested wild man of Nashville memory as he confessed that "girls are expensive." 

Despite 200 million in album sales, years of sold out concert tours and an estimated $350 million in career earnings, the country legend is surviving on Spam and saltine crackers these days as he plots his comeback. "I know, I know... I've seen all those VH1 specials about guys like MC Hammer and thought, how the hell did they go through all that money?" admitted Brooks, pulling at a loose thread on his 2008 Old Navy America t-shirt. 

Brooks put his career on hiatus in 2001 to see his daughters through high school and into college. The costs of his divorce that year and the upbringing of three girls was a far greater financial strain than any of his fans might have imagined. "Well, Sandy got half and the girls got the other half," chuckled Garth, sipping Big K Cola from a can. "I didn't know Bratz cost so damn much." 

"I've also burned through most of Trisha's money with some bad investments," he continued, with a tear the size of a quarter building in his left eye. "The pager store franchise went under in '02... damn cell phones. And my personal brand of offensively bright shirts for big and tall men never got off the ground due to a sweat-shop scandal." 

His three-year Vegas run only put a band-aid on the problem as bills and tuition costs slowly ate away at Brooks' remaining fortune. "I've lost 60 pounds, man; all my old 'Mo' Bettas look like circus tents on me now. I'm going in for a third mortgage on the mansion." 

A potential comeback is in the cards, though the 26-year Nashville vet is not currently aligned with a record label. "Borchetta is interested in a comeback album, but he's not sure I'll fit the Big Machine mold. Hell, I guess I'd do auto-tune and sing about trucks... I need some money, pardner!" said Brooks. 

The "Friends in Low Places" superstar bid us adieu for his afternoon Starbucks shift with these off-topic words: "Everybody blames me for pop-country, but I'm Hank Sr. compared to folks these days..." 

At press time, Scott Borchetta had passed on Garth Brooks for a 19-year-old community college dropout with a five o'clock shadow and an intriguing chin scar. 

Hick-Hop Cruise Returns to Port Amidst Reports of Chaos and Crime

The Kinfoke Krewz, a Gulf of Mexico excursion featuring country rapper Big Smo, Twang & Round, Lenny Cooper and others, has returned to port in New Orleans amid chaos and reports of crime and illness. 243 of the estimated 703 passengers were arrested once the ship returned shore, on charges ranging from minor assault and underage drinking to kidnapping and drug manufacturing. 

The Carnival cruise ship was scheduled to have a stopover in an unspecified Mexican port on Thursday, but the company and Coast Guard officials said the trip had been cut short due to “a multitude of infractions great and small, and a general prevalence of unsanitary conditions and unhealthfulness.” 

Before the trip even got underway, several ocean-goers were stopped at the boarding gates attempting to drive their ATVs onto the ramp. The vehicles were stowed in cruise line storage and the passengers were finally allowed aboard.

“They said on the message board that we were gone have a mud bog on the party deck, so I brung my Polaris, but they wouldn’t let me on with the damn thing.” said Timmy “Swaydawg” Thomas of Cary, NC. “They best not be a scratch on it when I get back or somebody a** gettin’ stomped.”

Country rapper/reality star Big Smo

Once at sea, situations took an immediately dire turn. All 7 of the women on board (3 of those being hired bikini models) reported harassment incidents to ship security staff within the first 5 hours. Officers were unable to detain any suspects due to nearly every male aboard fitting the description of “moderate height, overweight white guy with sparse facial hair and a Confederate flag tattoo.”

There were multiple fights, 57 reports of alcohol poisoning, 78 thefts, and one abduction. One man fell from a viewing deck into a stairwell trying to catch a vape pen. Fortunately, his girthy stature prevented serious injuries. A convention room had to be turned into a makeshift brig due to overcrowding in the existing facility.

The itinerary, already on shaky ground, was finally brought to an end by several outbreaks of Norovirus, lice, and an unnamed pustulating neck rash. “The hygiene of this group was questionable, to be polite.” said ship captain Paul Childers, “Do they have showers in the Carolinas and Georgia?”

At press time, the passengers of the canceled Kinfoke Krewz were all waiting in line to get in Pat O’Brien’s.

*fake news*

This Guy Rants About Cody Jinks Playing the Opry

LMOA! Who! When I heard last year that my boy Dustin Lynch was joining the Grand Old Opera I was happy as hell! For all he’s done for country music, it was about damn time! He makes music that makes chicks want to ride in my truck with me and that means he a legend! 

Now comes word that somebody name Cody Jinks is playing at the opery tonight. Cody Jinks, who’s she? LOL. Now I’m not a hater but shouldn’t people that plays the hollow hall of country music be somebody me and my bros have listen to? I mean, back in the olden days, they let people play who only did sad songs played with old timey instruments like guitars and fiddles, but in more recent years, they’s let my homie Hootie join and Dustin and folks like that. Party ass music, you know what I’m sayin?

I asked all are friend’s group if they’d heard of Cody Jinks and here was the results: Chad said “Who tf is that?” (Yes he really said “tf” out loud). Brad said “Is that the guy who used to date Brelynn?” Matt said “No.” Dylan said “I don’t listen to anybody who doesn’t have DJ in front of there name.” Only Carter said he’s heard of Cody, but Carter runs a blog or something and he’s pretty weird. 

There’s a thousand country singers who deserve to be on the Opary before Cody Junks. Like Mitchell Tenpenny. That dude slaps. Diplo! F**k yeah, he’s done two or three country songs everybody I know loves. Marshmello. He did that song with Kane Brown and he’s legit. I could go on for pair of graphs, but you get the point. 

I listened to a Cody Jinks song and I couldn’t even get threw thirty seconds before I wanted to attach a garden hose to my F-150 exhaust in the garage. Why dose anyone want to hear such sad songs and songs about grown ass adult stuff? That’s so boring. Give me real country dudes singing about stuff I knows about like hooking up in bars and hooking up in bars. 

Anyway, I’m probably never going to the Grand Old Oprery anyway because theirs some guy who plays there all the time named Ricky Skanks, and I’d just laugh the hole time.

Local Man Arrested for Destruction of Pop-Country Playing Jukebox

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, May 18, 2011 

Local bowler and country music fan Reginald Spears, 46, has been arrested for destruction of property at an area bowling alley. Last Saturday at 9:15 PM, Spears was taken into custody for destroying the facility's jukebox with his 17 pound black-speckled Brunswick ball. 

Released on bail, Mr. Spears sat down and spoke with FNN correspondent Trailer about the events that had transpired on the previous Saturday. 

"Well, it goes like this," started Spears. "I was about to bowl my first 300 game; I was down to my final muthaf***ing frame and you know what come on the jukebox? F***ing Glory-anner. I'd dealt with Jason Aldean, Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift through 10 freaking perfect rolls, but that 'Wild at Heart' song just jerked me out of my zone… I went right in the gutter, g**dammit!" 

"My name is not on a little wooden plaque at the Southpaw Lanes because of a damn show choir!!" raged Reginald. "My blood started boilin' in the sixth set when somebody played that dirty sumb*tch Kid Rock, but I let it slide with the help of some cold, sweet High Life…" 

Missing out on the first perfect game cranked Reginald into an unbridled fury. Witness reports have him cursing at a high volume before retrieving his ball from the return. He walked semi-calmly to where the change machine and jukebox rest against the south wall before going into his locally revered wind-up. 

"He bowled a strike on that one!" laughed Percy Garvin, local 205 average bowler. "I gave him a high five. I hate country music! Why can't anybody around here ever order up some Clarence Carter?" 

Spears' shot hit squarely in the middle of the "new fangled" digital jukebox, smashing two speakers and the hard drive, ending the evening's musical accompaniment. Insurance adjusters called it a total loss, valuing the jukebox at $1250.35. 

"I smiled in the mug shot… Hell, I'm proud of what I did," said a defiant Mr. Spears. "I struck a blow against mainstream country and against that dumb*ss drunk sorority girl who paid half a dollar to hear crap." 

Reginald Spears has been banned from Southpaw Lanes and removed from the local league, prompting this response from the accused: "I don't give a fried f**k; I'm going into golf now. That's the only other sport you can drink while you play." 

Zac Brown’s Diss Track Lyrics Leaked

The Zac Brown Band’s upcoming album The Owl already promises to be controversial among fans and detractors alike. With Brown announcing the participation of several pop producers, and YouTubers posting live performances of new hip-hop flavored songs from the band, the record is sure to raise some country purists’ hackles.

Now comes word of a ‘hidden’ track on the album that takes aims at those very naysayers. Brown already infamously told off the haters on June’s CMT Awards with a profane outburst, but we’re told this song takes things much further. In what’s known in rap circles as a “diss track,” Zac calls out critics, country bloggers, and former fans over their “closed-minded ways.” 

While it’s uncertain if the song, entitled “Hyde Goes Off,” (named for literary villain Edward Hyde, and ZBB’s own Jeckyll and Hyde album) will see the light of day on the official release, sources have assured us that the song is very much real. “He’s sick of people expecting him to adhere to a certain standard of quality in his music, so he’s lashing out.” said one party. “Zac has been, um, experimenting in life, and that has carried over to his songs, and he wants to be able to fart around in the DJ booth or drop bars as he pleases without bloggers making fun of him.” said another.

We haven’t heard “Hyde Goes Off,” but were given a verse of the song, which is said to be very ‘gangsta rap’ with gun shot sound effects and chains rattling in the background. An excerpt of the verse follows.

Ya callin’ me a hypocrite

But bitches, I’m a hustla

Hittin’ corners in my Chiron whip

You just a bunch of bustaz

I just wanna sling my trap

Blaze the weed and stack my dough

Don’t make me have to bust a cap

In y’all “that ain’t country” hoes

At press time, Zac Brown was stumbling around a haberdashery, dressed like a 1930s motorcycle sidecar passenger, mumbling incoherently about whipping someone named “Trailer’s” ass.

The Crud Report: August 2019

Jason Aldean Is Finally Happy, Really He Is

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, September 25, 2014 

Jason Aldean is finally living a fulfilled and joyous life and will assault you viciously if you don't like it, according to a recent interview with the popular Face the Country blog. Though most of the questions asked were softballs, Aldean managed to insert his aggressively petulant views on life, music, and privacy into most every response. 

Find an excerpted portion of the full Q&A below. 

Face the Country: Jason, your new single "Burnin' It Down" is just hot! Like, how'd you decide to go this direction? 

Aldean: Well, some people out there think they get to be the deciders on what is and isn't country. We just wanted to go in there and make something the hotties would love and the haters would hate. Not that I care what the haters think. I mean, I want them to hate it but I want them to shut up!!! It's a pair of docks [sic], you know. 

FTC: LOL. (yes, spoken audibly) You go, boy! We hate to bring this up, but there has been a tiny little eensy minuscule bit of criticism about your persona... 

Aldean: Next question. No, let me tell you something. That was so long ago. Like years. I don't even remember who I was married to back then. I don't even want to talk about this. Me and Brittany are very happy together, very damn happy. Move on. We don't want to be in the public eye with this crap, so I'm not going to go into it. I mean, have you ever drove over the speed limit? Yeah, so who are you to sit and judge? I mean, let's not talk about this stuff. It took years for me to get this happy, so I'm not going to let you take that from me! 

FTC: (crying) It must be an exciting time for you with your new album coming ou... 

Aldean: Listen, if you say the words "bro country," I will literally give you an atomic wedgie and take a picture of it and put it on my Instagram. I sing about what I know about. If you sang, you'd do songs about, uh, bloggifying or whatever. I'm a famous millionaire who is either on tour or home counting money at all times, so of course I sing about hanging out in the country. Next damn question. 

FTC: I love rap music and I love country music and I love rap music inserted into country music and I love your music. That said, what do you have to say to critics of hick-ho... 

Aldean: This is bullsh*t! You shut up right now. The next person out there, nerds behind a keyboard or whoever, who says anything remotely non-positive about me, my music, my life, or my friends... I will drive my tour bus directly to your house, dorm, or apartment and beat you down with my wallet chain. I'm freaking happy people!!! My life could not be bringing me any more satisfaction than it is at this very damn moment! Leave me the hell alone!

Lil Nas X Cast as Dusty in Pure Country Reboot

In his first ever acting role, rapper Lil Nas X is slated to take up the reins country legend George Strait once held in the early 90s cult favorite Pure Country. X, real name Montero Lamar Hill, will play Dusty Chandler, a disillusioned country superstar who walks away from the lights and fame to reclaim his soul, and finds love along the way. Dexter Fletcher (Rocketman) will direct the picture for Warner Brothers and a release is expected in the fall of 2020.

Though some Strait songs will be sampled or updated for the film, most of the music will be co-written and performed by Lil Nas X himself. The viral smash “Old Town Road” will of course be featured, but expect some twists. “We’ve got a ‘Heartland’ remix coming and it gives you the best of both worlds, tying the (2020) version of Pure Country to the original. It’s going to be fire and lit and whatnot.” said the rapper. 

A love interest for Dusty has not yet been cast, leaving unanswered a major question that will surely be heavily debated on social media in coming weeks. Lil Nas X recently came out as gay, but it is uncertain at this point how the subject of romance will be handled in the film. 

Tyler James Williams (Everybody Hates Chris) will take on the role of Buddy Jackson, a brash young artist who attempts to swindle his way to stardom in Dusty’s absence. Reba McEntire will play Lula Rogers, Chandler’s desperate manager. 

At press time, literally every person, brand, and bot discussing the reboot of Pure Country online was outraged for various, conflicting, and frequently incoherent reasons.

Advisory Issued for Tonight's Florida-Georgia Line Concert

Martina McBride Covers Danzig

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, March 12, 2009 

Martina McBride's new album Shine comes out March 24 and, for the most part, it sticks to the tried-and-true formula that has made the diminutive belter one of country music's most consistent female hitmakers. There are big ballads, sunny anthems and inspirational pieces all aimed at maintaining McBride's well-respected position in Nashville. 

That's no surprise, but what is a surprise is her odd choice of cover song to include as an iTunes bonus track for the deluxe edition of the album. McBride will offer her version of rock band Danzig's "Dirty Black Summer," a grinding, soulful song that some have interpreted to be about crossing over into the path of evil. While much of the song gives McBride ample opportunity to soar vocally, one has to wonder what place this song has on a commercial country album, bonus track or not. 

McBride's management would not comment on the song, but one of her friends told us: "Martina is experimenting a little; you can only sing so many Lifetime-friendly songs about kids dressed as bags of leaves before you feel the need to branch out." 

No other explanation has been provided on the initial press releases about Shine, but "Dirty Black Summer" is listed prominently on much of the promo material. In possibly related gossip, Martina has recently been seen about Nashville wearing Doc Marten boots and dark clothing. 

John Rich's House Even Cooler Than You Thought

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, April 07, 2010 

When it comes to country superstar John Rich, even the home he lives in is controversial. Called an eyesore and a blight by "jealous neighbors," Mt. Richmore is even cooler than you might have imagined, says an anonymous source who has visited the well-equipped abode several times. 

This insider, who asked us to refer to him as Bart Mozart, says all the bright lights pointing away from Rich's home are for good reason. "It's so nosy-ass locals can't see all the cool sh** in there. Dude, they'd sh** a brick if they knew!" said Bart. 

We've all heard about the fully-stocked bar in the elevator, but that's just the tip of the awesomeness iceberg, according to Mr. Mozart. There are also mini-bars in each of the five bathrooms, another fully-stocked bar in the master bedroom and a wine locker the size of a football field directly underneath the house. In addition to those liquid amenities, Mt. Richmore's main bar (staffed by two bartenders and six buxom waitresses) also has a bar in its bathroom, and the pool table opens to reveal a beer vault. 

"John's even working on figuring out how to put a bar inside the bar; man, how f***ing cool is that? We figured out that you are never more 4 1/2 feet from a dose of refreshment," laughed Bart. "And we party like it's 1989... uh, I mean 1999, or whenever.." 

Behind the family room on the second story, Rich has built a full recording studio with enough room for an entire band with backing horns to rehearse or record crappy music at the same time. There is also a bar both in this studio and in the control booth, with Rich's own "Richmore Ale" on draft directly from the soundboard. 

One would think that so much potential drinking might lead to some accidents, but Bart says JR has planned for this. "Every room has a vacuum system built into the floor to suck up anything you spill, and the walls are made of a super strong polymer that's kinda soft to fall against but tough enough to withstand a brawl or a thrown vase, not that those things ever happen," informed Mozart. 

"Bart" went on to describe the pad's home theater (w/ bar), garage (x2), kitchen (yep) and dining room (sure), all designed with the most forward-thinking style, technology and accommodations for drinkers available on the market today. He also said to catch him on the latest season of Celebrity Fit Camp on VH1 - then he tried to retract that statement. 

In summary, Mt. Richmore is truly a marvel of western innovation. 

The Crud Report: July 2019

Lee Greenwood Quivering With Anticipation

Patriot and country singer Lee Greenwood is literally shaking with excitement. “42 hours, 5 minutes, 16 seconds… 42 hours, 5 minutes, 15 seconds… “ he chants, staring down at the Apple Watch on his wrist and rocking back and forth on his heels in front of a signed portrait of General Norman Schwarzkopf in his Franklin home’s expansive foyer. His eyes are wild and shifty. His breathing is rushed and his hands are shaking. A single bead of sweat, or possibly a tear hangs halfway down his left cheek. 

“He’s been like this since 12 a.m. yesterday morning,” said Lee’s exasperated wife. “He packed all day Sunday; every piece of American flag clothing he owns is in a trailer behind his Suburban out there. Since then, he’s just been here by the front door waiting on ‘go.’ 

Lee’s countdown will end when the calendar hits July 4th, a sacred holiday in the Greenwood household. Since 1984, his song “God Bless the USA” has become as much a part of America’s Independence Day as fireworks, barbecue, and watermelon, keeping Greenwood in the public eye long past his radio hit-making days. With 27 scheduled appearances this week, ranging from minor league baseball games to fireworks spectaculars, the man could not be more in the zone.

His wife is concerned about his health. “We may have to put in an IV to get him hydrated,” she said. “We’ve also tried to give him a Xanax to calm him down, but he slapped the bottle across the room; we then shot him with a tranquilizer dart, which had no effect.” “Oh dear!” she suddenly exclaimed, noticing some sort of outward sign of Lee’s eagerness and blocking our view of his lower abdominal area.

At press time, there was no verification to the rumor that Lee arose from a box of mothballs like some Old Glory loving vampire Monday morning. 

Brad Paisley's New Album All Songs About Songs

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, March 22, 2011 

FNN has learned that Brad Paisley's upcoming album release, This Is Country Music, features 12 new songs, all of them about songs. 

His first single, "This Is Country Music," deftly describes the reasons country music is in the state it is today resonates so deeply with its audience, while "Old Alabama" reminisces about good times had while listening to Alabama songs. 

The third single is tentatively scheduled to be "Jesus Take The Wheel," which is about Carrie Underwood's song of the same title. In it, Paisley relates how much that song meant to him personally and how his wife heard the song when she was nearly in a car accident on the way to an audition for a new Martin Lawrence sitcom. 

Other tracks on the release include "Play Me Hank Jr., Junior," "Tucker'd Out" and "Kid Rock's 'All Summer Long.'" The latter features Kid Rock on a verse, giving his appreciation to Brad for the shout-out and for solidifying "All Summer Long" as a yearly recurrent from May through August. 

The centerpiece of This Is Country Music is undoubtedly "The Song You're Listening To." It recounts, moment by moment, how you--the listener--are feeling as you hear the verses and chorus of that very song itself. In an era of immediate feedback, this is as meta as it gets. 

It's clear that Brad Paisley has his dexterous finger on the pulse of country and popular culture, and This Is Country Music will set the bar for observational skill and synopsis. 

At press time, Brad was hard at work looking back nostalgically on the days when he had new ideas for songs.