Childers Concert Halted So Everybody Can Make Fun of Guy Wearing Childers T-shirt

“What a f***ing loser!” laughed Tyler Childers fan Mark Sternum, pointing at a fellow concert-goer. “Would you wear a shirt with your favorite physician’s picture on it to the doctor’s office?”

The odd interaction occurred three songs into a recent Childers concert when everyone in attendance realized that one attendee, Terrence Holcomb, was clad in a shirt of the artist currently performing on stage. To the ignorant this may not seem a big deal, but to in-the-know music fans, it’s a definite party foul. 

“You don’t wear a shirt of the band you’re watching to the concert… it’s concert etiquette 101,” explained dad-hat-wearing-hipster Sternum. “As Jeremy Piven said in PCU, ‘don’t be that guy.’”

To that end, the concert came to a complete halt one verse into “Old Country Church,” as the throng of fans erupted in laughter, insults, and finger pointing. The band even stopped playing to marvel at the utter obliviousness of the buffoon. 

Holcomb himself didn’t understand what was happening. “I saw a few people looking over their shoulder at me and whispering,” he explained. “I thought I had a booger or something, but then the whispering turned to shoulder nudging and pointing.”

When the pointing swelled into an entire venue of people laughing and jeering at him, Holcomb just shrugged and sheepishly walked back toward the bar. There, the bartender filled numbnuts in on his stupid mistake. 

“That’s an idiotic f***ing rule,” said a visibly angry Holcomb. “I bet half these jackasses wear the jersey of the team they support to the games, how is this any different?”

To add to Mr. Holcomb’s humiliation, even Childers chimed in before restarting the show. “What a dumbass!” laughed Childers. “Sir, you are banned from my shows for life. I can’t stand to see fans supporting me!”

At press time, Terrence Holcomb was seeing a therapist.

The Crud Report: October '22

Luke Combs Changes Fan’s Tire on Stage

One Luke Combs fanatic got more than he bargained for at one of the recent shows in Green Bay, WI, and made a memory that will last a lifetime. Late in the Resch Center show on September 17, Luke noticed an interesting sign in the audience.

“I’ve Got a Flat, Hope We Can Get Home” said the simple black-lettered poster board. It was held by middle-aged dad Vernon Perkins of Two Rivers, standing beside his two obviously embarrassed kids he’d brought to the show. Combs said he was moved by the sign and loved to give back to his fans.

What that led to was something nobody would’ve expected. Combs spoke to his stage manager and pointed to the man, who was quickly escorted out of the arena. Nearby fans were confused but went on enjoying their night of screamed country songs about beer.

Ten minutes later, between songs, the back of the arena suddenly opened up and Vernon drove his 2003 GMC Silverado onto the stage, careful not to run over any stray beers or bass players. The crowd erupted, thinking it was just a prop for an upcoming song about trucks and beer.

Luke sauntered to the front of the stage as a large toolbox was wheeled in behind him. “Well, I’m already dressed for this,” he laughed, pointing to the Meineke button-up with his name on it that he was wearing. “Let’s change this man’s tire!” The crowd erupted again.

As the band laid into a scorching take of “When It Rains It Pours,” Luke quickly jacked the truck up into place and began removing the lug nuts. Never missing a note or a beat, he deftly removed the deflated Goodyear Wrangler and replaced it with the spare. He was careful to put everything back in its place, still hitting every lyric and intonation just right. It was masterful.

Combs finished the job in a mere 5 1/2 minutes, stopping after the first chorus of “Forever After All” to shake Mr. Perkins’ hand. “That’ll be $35,” smiled Combs. “Nah, but seriously, talk to my manager and we’ll get you set up with a new set of tires, those other three are looking bald as Cole Swindell, my man.”

Perkins graciously thanked Combs and waved to the crowd. As he was about to return his truck to the parking lot, Combs asked him “Now can we talk about your cabin air filter?”

FGL House Now a Spirit Halloween

Nashville residents may recognize a familiar face in an unfamiliar place this week. Spirit Halloween, the spooky holiday’s most famous franchise, opens up shop in the former FGL House Friday, though some of the accoutrements of the former bro-country bar still remain. 

“We didn’t have to do a lot, the place is already pretty terrifying,” laughed franchise owner Sparky Suggs. “The moose head, the antique light fixtures, the haunting scent of Axe, the ghosts of hookups past… all we had to do was add the Halloween products.”

The 4-story brick building in Sobro has been the home of boozy duo Florida-Georgia Line’s branded bar and grill for the past several years, but no more. The duo recently began what they’re calling a hiatus, but which everyone else sees as the end of the formerly popular “butt rock of country” act. The immediate closure and sale of the building seems to lend credence to this opinion. 

“We come up from Cumming just to go to the FGL House and bout sh** ourselves. It’s a damn Halloween store now?” complained tourist Kelly Patridge. “We got one of them in the old co-op, I coulda stayed my ass home.”

Suggs certainly understands the concerns over the sudden shift, but he hopes many of the mullet-headed or tube-top-wearing FGL fans who show up will stick around and grab an LED dancing zombie or a sexy Fireball bottle costume. “You’re already here, so you might as well pick up some crap you needed for Halloween anyway,” laughed Suggs. 

One drunken customer didn’t seem to notice the change and was seated at one of the bars (now a booth for custom airbrushed trick or treat bags) trying to order a Jagerbomb from the confused artist. “He’ll figure it out eventually,” said Suggs, shaking his head.

At press time, Brian Kelley was sneaking in to retrieve his Kid Rock autographed beer bong he left in a storage closet.

California to Ban Country Songs about Gas Powered Trucks by 2024

Governor Gavin Newsom today announced that he will aggressively move the state away from its enjoyment of pop-country songs about gas-fueled pickup trucks. He issued an executive order requiring all new pop-country songs about vehicles, especially trucks, to explicitly mention that they are zero emission after 2024. 

The entertainment industry (including music) is responsible for more than 7% of all of California’s carbon pollution, all while jacked-up, coal rolling, nut-swinging pickup trucks continue to spew toxicity into the atmosphere. 

“We simply can’t have all these catchy, vibe-filled, vaguely country songs glorifying using these beasts for ‘fun’ when they are literally responsible for Donald Trump, I mean, pollution.” said Newsom in a prepared statement for the press. “Therefore, we are directing record labels not to promote songs about feet on a dashboard, or having CIS white sex under the stars in a truck bed, or mudding in a pasture with a beer in the cupholder without letting the listener know that the vehicle is an EV.”

He went on to lament the irresponsibility of Nashville in idolizing such vehicular monstrosities. “I listened to Cali Country Y102 today for an hour, and literally every song had a truck in it,” Newsom continued. “Just think of the good we could do if all 15 of those songs replaced ‘F-150’ or ‘Silverado’ with ‘Lightning’ or ‘Endurance;’ every mullet-headed white boy in community college would suddenly think it was cool that Morgan Wallen got busy in a Rivian, or whatever.”

Free speech advocates have threatened legal action following the executive order. “While we also cringe at songs with dudes talk-singing in a southern accent about cruising for women in their squatted 70,000 dollar pickup trucks their dad bought them, this is certainly unconstitutional grounds the governor is walking on,” said Jenni Perkins, a spokesperson for the ACLU. “We will be strange bedfellows with the republican bros for once, it appears. Yee Yee!, or whatever they say.” 

California will be leading the nation in this effort, in hopes of removing garbage from both the environment and the airwaves. 

At press time, many conservative California country fans agreed with the order, but they’d be damned before they ever admitted it. 

The Crud Report September '22, Vol. II

The Bad News Keeps Coming

This Guy Honors Florida-Georgia Line’s Legacy

Well, I can’t belief it but it has finally come. The day what I never imagined… Florida-Georgia Line’s last concert has happened. They have said their just taking a break but that’s what my ex-wife said too and that bitch is living in Gwata malla or something.

Any way, we’re hear to honor the glorious career of Florida-Georgia Line, the greatest country band in history! They paved the way for country music to not be lame and sad like it used to be and opened doors for awesome singers like Walker Hayes, Mitchell Ten Penny, and Morgan Walling. I can’t thank them enough for making country music great again.

Man, all the times I macked on honeys at a bar while “Cruise” was playing. They new I was a man of distinct coolness when I new every word! I’d take em back on a back road in my lifted Raptor and give em the disappointment of their lifes, but hell their’s more fish in the sea.

Me and my boys did many a keg stand listening to “This is How We Roll” and then we went out for a drive and listened too it some more and threw stuff at signs. Those were the days!

Now, FGL has a lot of critics, so let’s be honest. Were they the best singers? Probably just top 5 all time in that cat a gory. Were they the best lyric writers? Hell yes. Did there songs kick the most ass? You are motherf***ing right! So suck it critics. This band changed the face of are favorite music for the better so go listen to you’re sad boy American Airconditioner or Taylor Simpson or what ever and let me enjoy my good time classic country from Brian and Tyler!

I’m sad too see them go, but I will always cherish the mammaries. Don’t cry because its over, smile be cause of the good times what was. I wish I had been they're for there last show, but I was their in spirit! I hope the crowd pumped those fists, sang those songs, drank those beers, staired at them girls in cut off shorts. Dam that sounds like heaven. Anyway, thank you FGL for the grate music guys!

Pour out a Fireball for da boyz!

The Crud Report: September 2022

 

Kid Rock Stops Concert Because One Section of Fans Isn’t Fighting

Rock/country/rap artist and political firebrand Kid Rock had to angrily pause his concert on Thursday night to chastise some of his fans. The West Memphis Civic Auditorium crowd was not living up to his expectations, and he let them know in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t having it. 

The show started off fine with his opening song “Devil Without a Cause,” but by the second tune, Mr. Rock already was looking with disdain upon a portion of the throng. Fists were flying, shirts were being torn off, and bodily fluids were spraying. Kid shook his head and plowed on with the crowd favorite “You Never Met a Motherf***er Quite Like Me.” 

Nearing the middle of the show Robert Ritchie (his real name) was seething. Ducking a thrown beer bottle full of urine, he zeroed in on a section of crowd and went off. “You f***ers are really making it hard for the rest of us to have a good time,” he said, pointing at a group of about 30 middle aged dads and their mistresses/dates. “Why the hell are you just standing there enjoying the show? Throw some hands, you bitches!”

The rest of the crowd erupted in agreement before returning to their already-in-progress fisticuffs, sexual harassments, and verbal assaults. Several unengaged ne’er-do-wells attempted to mad dog the peaceful few into wrestling matches and other jackassery, but the actual-Kid-Rock-music-enjoyers stood their ground, singing along with the smash “Cowboy” and minding their own business.

Three songs later, halfway into the rarely played “F*** Off,” Kid stopped the band again. Removing a bloody bra from his mic stand, he yelled “That’s it. You f***ers are outta here. If you wanna listen to music, stay your ass at home with your iPod or whatever.” He then directed security to remove the offending section, to loud applause from the brawling balance of the crowd. 

The rest of the show went off without a hitch, with 18 arrests, 3 minor fires, 28 taken to the hospital, and one birth.

Band Plays Pop-Country Pre-Show Music So They’ll Sound Good in Comparison

King Planter, a subpar to average roots rock band out of Alabama has an interesting method for making their fans believe them a stronger musical force than they actually are. Instead of the usual Tom Petty, Emmylou Harris, or Waylon Jennings other bands of their ilk might play over the PAs for pre-show music, King Planter plays modern pop-country.

“It works like a charm,” laughed bassist Pete “Pal” Wasserstein. “We irritate the hell out of the fans with 20 minutes of Walker Hayes and Florida-Georgia Line before we come on stage, so that our admittedly ‘just okay’ musicianship and songs blow them away.”

“They were awesome!” said a fan walking out of King Planter’s recent Mobile show. “I don’t know what it was, but their sufficient musical abilities and reasonably passable songwriting just sounded on a whole new level tonight; I don’t know what it was!”

The four-piece update the “Lowered Expectations” Spotify playlist weekly, adding anything that’s the latest snap-beat sappy song hitting the country charts or the most annoying viral country-rap song on TikTok. This week they added David Morris’ “Carrying Your Love,” a rap song which features an interpolation of the similarly named George Strait hit.

“Oh God, they hate it!” laughed vocalist Jay Henderson. “But after that shit, I sound like Otis Redding or Chris Stapleton compared to that dude, when I’m really just a C- on a good night.”

King Planter, who list The Band and David Allan Coe as their primary influences, have failed to catch on in ‘the scene’ in three years of existence. According to the blog Bama Mericana, King Planter “look the part and check off all the requisite topics in their music, but the lyrics can be best described as reasonable and their playing is ehhh… fair to middling. No offense because it pays better than being in a band, but they’ll be hanging sheetrock in 9 months.”

All this might be so, but crowds are growing lately thanks to their unique modus operandi. “Word of mouth, baby!” said an excited Wasserstein, surveying the tens of fans in attendance at their Big Star Tavern show in Montgomery last night.

At press time, King Planter was about 8 months from disbanding.

Man Who Makes Sure You Know He’s Too Good for Country Music Adores Theory of a Deadman

Mr. Burns' "Best Songs Ever" playlist

Jesse Burns, 39, of Lowell, MA, has unparalleled taste in music and wants you to know so. “All country music sucks, so who cares? Only slack jawed Trumpers listen to that crap.” commented the divorced dad of two on a Farce the Music Facebook meme about country music. His comment received one thumbs up, 2 laughing faces, and 8 angry faces. 

The meme showed up in his timeline due to a former high school friend Jesse forgot to unfollow sharing it. Incensed that he should be reminded of the mere existence of country music, Mr. Burns made sure to make his high falutin opinion known to all. He has far too refined sensibilities for even one person on earth to think he could listen to the addle brained yawping of sister sexing hillbillies. 

“That shit blows ass,” said Burns when we sent him a PM asking politely for some explanation. “LOOOL, you need to get a life, f**king redneck.” Since we couldn’t get Burns to engage in a civil conversation about his disdain of country music, we decided to analyze his supposed stellar taste.

His Facebook profile page was partially public and a recent post bragged excitedly of getting tickets for the upcoming Louder Than Life festival in Kentucky. He specifically mentioned his excitement about seeing those paragons of music, Theory of a Deadman, for the 9th time. He was also hyped about Chevelle, Ghostemane, Sevendust, Pop Evil, Papa Roach, Shaman’s Harvest, and whoever Yungblud is. 

Clearly a man of unquestionable artistic preferences, Jesse Burns is far too intelligent and cultured for the inbred idiocy of Kris Kristofferson, or the uneducated foolishness of Merle Haggard, or the bland white trash stylings of Tammy Wynette. 

We also found Jesse’s public Spotify playlist entitled “Best Songs Ever.” Prominently featured are the aforementioned Theory of a Deadman who are definitely not a subpar Nickelback cover band. It also includes the stylings of Hinder, Saving Abel, and whatever a Crossfade is. Obviously this man is far too sophisticated for the moonshine swilling moronicness of Guy Clark, or the trailer park platitudes of Dolly Parton, or the barely literate ponderings of Tyler Childers. 

At press time, Jesse Burns was cursing at his ex-wife on the phone with a Sam Adams in hand, while Buckcherry blared in the background. But at least he doesn’t like country.

The Crud Report: August '22

Recent Morgan Wallen Fans Growing Bored with Lack of New Racist Comments

“I became a Morgan Wallen fan because he wasn’t afraid to say what was on his mind,” said an angry Vernel Peacock of Tallahassee, FL. “But now he’s just like, putting out music and touring and stuff.”

Peacock’s statement is similar to that of many others in the community of Morgan Wallen fans who latched onto him on February 2, 2021. The newcomers seem dismayed at the lack of controversial statements from the country music superstar, who had the number one selling album of 2021, Dangerous.

“I’m worried he’s becoming a liberal,” said a concerned Lela Pritchard of West Memphis, AR. “If he’s holding his tongue while all this bad s*** is happening in our country, then maybe they got to him.” She went on to lament his lack of Confederate flags in his merchandise and his following through on his pledge to donate to to black-led charities after being caught on camera saying the n-word last year.

The influx of fans aboard the Morgan Wallen train oddly coincided with his controversial statement last year, many of them admitting they were not even country fans prior to the incident. Wallen sold over 2 millions albums in 2021 alone, surely because of the growth of his songwriting and vocals, and for no other unseemly reasons.

“When ar u gonna confront what there doing to are country and rioting an burning cities and steel are election and stop being afraid of cancel culture again? I miss the ole Morgen Walling who wasn’t afraid of “WORDS” Not so Dangerous are you?” [sic] read a Facebook reply to one of Wallen’s posts. It was unclear what this had to do with Wallen announcing his newest single “You Proof,” but it was apparently heavy in the thoughts of Terry Lee Redding of Angola, IN.

At press time, only 52% of 2021 Dangerous purchasers had actually listened to the album.

Woman Wearing Soggy Bottom Boys T-Shirt Can’t Even Name 3 of Their Songs

Supposed traditional country music fan and Soggy Bottom Boys t-shirt owner Kelly Landry revealed herself to be a complete poser when tasked with naming 3 of their songs on Thursday. 

“I seen her wearing that shirt up to the PetSmart and I just blew her cover,” laughed real country music fan Carl Outlaw. “She proved herself a complete fraud.” 

Outlaw said that he approached Landry on the dog food aisle and graciously complimented her on her choice of apparel. After a short conversation about the trio’s musicianship and songwriting, (which Landry said she assumed was tongue in cheek) Outlaw began to sense her ignorance and went in for the kill.

“All she could name was ‘Man of Constant Sorrow’ which everybody on earth who isn’t a dumbass Luke Bryan fan knows,” said Outlaw. “I was embarrassed for her and said she ought not wear that shirt in public being no more of a fan than that.” 

“It’s not a real band,” said an exasperated Landry. “Does he want me to name songs the fictional group performed in the movie O Brother Where Art Thou? I’m not even sure what he was getting at besides trying to prove some kind of batshit crazy country authenticity.”

When faced with Landry’s accusation that he, in fact, was the one posturing, Outlaw replied: “Look, I don’t even know what that means, but I will stand up for real country music any time I get the chance. She’s the one on pot, or whatever.” 

Ms. Landry quickly ended the conversation with an abrupt “Bless your heart,” and as she walked away, Outlaw yelled “Go listen to Walker Brown or Kane McGraw, you f***ing fake ass! Bet you don’t even listen to Dusty Chandler!”

Dan + Shay Concert Ends in Absolutely Adorable Riot

A concert by pop-country duo Dan + Shay went awry this week as the show ended with the most precious riot you’ll ever hear of. No arrests were reported, but the group’s encore was cancelled as the audience erupted in a flurry of glitter and off-beat dancing.

Dan Smyers and Shay Mooney bid adieu to the throng of adoring teen girls and middle-aged women after singing their hit “From the Ground Up,” fully intending to return to the stage to play a couple more songs, but things didn’t go according to plan. 

As confetti cannons fired clouds of sparkling pinks and purples aloft and balloons fell from the rafters, the fans completely lost their overjoyed minds. Screams and slumber party style chants echoed across the arena, balloons were popped, and colorful but sensible sandals were thrown onto the stage during the delightful chaos.

“There were stuffed animals and personalized tumblers flying through the air,” said concert-goer MareighLenn Little. “Like, we were all just so excited and happy we couldn’t contain ourselves.”

“I got glitter in my eyes, and my mom got hit in the face with a hair scrunchie, but we didn’t care.” laughed Dan + Shay super-fan Leighckleeigh Carrington. 

The arena floor was an Instagrammable mess of bracelets, bubble-lettered posters, beach balls, and scarves by the time the charming kerfuffle was through and promoters said they’d pitch in for the additional clean-up crew required. 

Though no serious injuries were reported, several dozen of the adult concert-goers did request to speak to the manager (of the tour, of the venue? No one was certain).

The Crud Report: July '22

Pop-Country Singer Praying Interviewer Won’t Ask Any Political Questions

A sweat bead forms at the widow’s peak of a famous pop-country singer as he fidgets in his chair. It’s the first in-person interview with someone who isn’t Bobby Bones he’s done in a while. The crooner’s handler politely asked the host to avoid a few potential land mines in the discussion, but the singer sees some shiftiness in the questioner’s eyes. 

He says a quick prayer in his head that there won’t be any questions about abortion, guns, the infield shift, Donald Trump, Morbius, LGBT rights, or any other hot button topics. Amen. 

After a brief warm greeting and small talk, the interview begins. Deep breath. 

“What do you think about the trans…” (OH GOD) “…ition from the party hearty days of bro-country to the more muted sound of your music these days?” he asks. (WHEW!) 

He’s got this one. He can flash those pearly whites and rest his fingers on his scruffy chin and knock that answer out with vague aplomb and goofy charm. No worries so far.

“You once toured with Morgan Wallen as your opener. Care to discuss when he said…” (OH SHIT) “that he considers you a role model and kind of a mentor?” is the follow up question.

The sweat bead has now split the singer’s eyes and rolled to the tip of his nose. He wipes it off with the sleeve of his $95 plain white t-shirt. Softball question, thank God. Media training prepared him for this, how to be humble and full of praise. Oh, and mention how much Morgan Wallen has grown since the incide…. NOOOOOOOO. Don’t even think about opening that door! Just keep it short and graceful.

“Now let’s get a little personal” says the interviewer. “Do you think a woman should have the right to choose…” (OH SHIT OH DAMN OH F@4% HELP ME MARY AND JOSEPH!) “what restaurant you’re going to on a date?” he asks.

There’s an audible massive exhale, like an NFL lineman stood on one of those camping mattresses with the valve open or something. He looks at his watch. 14 minutes and 35 seconds of the allotted 15 have expired. He’s made it. No controversies, no cancellations, no major missteps. He feels his heart rate settle.

“One last question: boxers or briefs….”

The Crud Report, June '22

Aunt Bernadette Very Upset You Shared That Walker Hayes Meme on Facebook

“You orta be ashamed,” began Aunt Bernadette’s reply to your Facebook post. “That man has a wonderful Christian testimony.” She was commenting below the meme you posted about pop-country star Walker Hayes and was quite upset with you.

“You’re mama annem raised you better then that,” she went on. “Wish you’d take this down.” The normally cheerful and warm Bernadette McPhail, your mom’s step-sister from your granny’s first husband, was very worked up about your inability to enjoy Walker Hayes’ insipid talk-singing songs about restaurants and styrofoam. Surely his upstanding morals make his silly novelty songs lay more easily on your ears?

The meme, seen above right, portrays Hayes’ music as a far greater cultural annoyance than the constant news stories and social media posts about Elon Musk and Johnny Depp. You shared it from the Farce the Music page, so it’s not like you made it… why can’t she take a joke? 

Auntie Bernadette, however, thinks you should focus only on the positive aspects of Mr. Hayes’ life. Oddly enough, she wasn’t able to focus on the positives of her ex-husband, who was also a good Christian, albeit one with a penchant for driving over to the riverboats in Vicksburg a bit too often.

“It’s not like I made fun of Walker’s faith,” you think, still firm in your opinion of his just-shit-awful music, “Aunt Bernie’s current “Godly” husband may or may not have once owned a white suit with a pointy hat, but we don’t talk about that, do we?”

At press time, Aunt Bernadette was praying for your eternal soul with a Salem Light hanging from the corner of her mouth, and considering calling your mother.