The Crud Report: January 2023

What Your Favorite Album of 2022 Says About You

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Miranda Lambert - Palomino

Even if you hadn’t listened to it, this would be your #1. Even if it was terrible, this would be your #1. Even if Miranda slapped your step-dad and keyed your Altima, this would be your #1. 

Beyonce - Renaissance

Even if you hadn’t listened to it, this would be your #1. Even if it was terrible, this would be your #1. Even if Beyonce besmirched your mother and keyed your Nissan Leaf, this would be your #1. You either write for a hipsterish music site or are a full time Beyonce stan.

Zach Bryan - American Heartbreak

You are a former bro-country fan who finally graduated from the community college after 5 years. The pickup truck your dad bought you in 11th grade is long in the tooth but it still gets you to the construction site. You still do mostly the same things in your spare time that you’ve done since 11th grade, but the soundtrack is better now. You read a little poetry, but don't tell your friends about it.

Koe Wetzel - Helldorado

You are the same as the Zach Bryan fan above, but in your first year of community college, which you will never graduate. You claim you were never into bro-country, but there are t-shirts in your chest of drawers that would prove otherwise. You can’t hold down a part time job because weed. 

The Wooks - Flyin’ High

You are a pot head, but it doesn’t matter because you are the HR person or business owner. You drive a 1998 Ford F-150 and people assume you are secretly wealthy. That would be true if you didn’t spend it all on shows, pot, and weaponry.

Walker Hayes - Country Stuff The Album

You’re shitting me, right?

The Crud Report: November 2022

Unrealistic Beauty Standards

Momlife Country Comics

Explanation here. I hope it's right because I don't feel like explaining it.

Cody Wolfe Appreciation Committee Chair (a parody account)

did these based on 90s/2000s radio country songs

Reginald Spears vs. Hick-Hop, Luke Bryan, Dan + Shay, Sam Hunt

Senora May Covers Beyonce's "No Angel"

Local Man Wins Award for Never Having Heard of Luke Bryan

Local welder and “real country fan” Carl Outlaw recently picked up a prestigious award for his lack of pop-culture knowledge. The American Cultural Luddite Society gave Outlaw a plaque and a $50 gift certificate to Panera for his achievement in the area, particularly for Carl’s lack of awareness of country superstar Luke Bryan.

“We were duly impressed,” said Luddite Society president Keith Tarlington. “It seemed that nearly every social media post about Luke Bryan was followed with a reply from Carl… a “Who TF is that?” here, a “Luke Bryan, who’s she?” there.”  “We were shocked that a human being with functioning sensory organs and an internet connection could not recognize the platinum selling superstar.” he continued. “Therefore, Mr. Outlaw has been bestowed with this distinguished recognition for his willful ignorance.”

While some might suspect Outlaw of simply trolling, friends and relatives say he is honestly that unaware of popular music. “He’s damn proud of it too,” said cousin LeeLee Outlaw. “Makes sure to brag about not ever having heard Florida-Georgia Line, or whoever …like it’s some accomplishment. He’s weird as hell.” 

“I don’t listen to the radio” said Outlaw over the phone. “And I haven’t owned a TV in my entire life, so no, I really don’t know who Luke White or whoever you said is. And I’ve also never heard of ‘Beyonsee’ or ‘The Weekend’ or ‘Luke Coats’ or anybody like that and I’m glad I haven’t. I only listen to country music.”

When asked if he meant Toby Keith, Tim McGraw, or Taylor Swift, he sniffed “Who the f*** are they?” 

Based on our interview, Outlaw does not, in fact, live under a rock and has not been asleep for 30 years (he’s only 23). He simply prides himself on avoiding any music that the general populous enjoys. 

Well enjoy that Panera, oh great sidestepper of the mainstream. You’ve earned it!

What Your Favorite Album of 2019 Says About You 2

Zac Brown Band - The Owl

You tell everybody you like everything Zac Brown puts out no matter how he experiments, but in secret, you think this sucks.

Beyonce - Homecoming: The Live Album

You will taunt, threaten, curse, dox, and possibly inflict bodily harm upon anyone who says anything negative about this album, but otherwise you’re pretty nice.

Highwomen - s/t

You’re a strong, beautiful, independent woman and so is your significant other.

FGL - Can’t Say I Ain’t Country

You have a jacked up truck with exhaust stacks, fight with your girlfriend in public, and are drunk right now. Dad says your seventh year of community college is your last, graduation or not.

Maren Morris - Girl

You can’t get into the Highwomen album because it’s too country. You use way too many hashtags on Instagram.

Tyler Childers - Country Squire

You have a homemade bootleg live version of the album that’s “way better.” You sold a car out of your front yard for parts to get tickets to Sturgill and Tyler next year.

Puddle of Mudd - Welcome to Galvania

Wait, Puddle of Mudd still exists? You are a member of some guy in the band’s family.

Luke Combs - What You See is What You Get

Just gonna go out on a limb with this one and guess that you enjoy beer.

Vandoliers - Forever

You skate, fish, have purple hair, and are polite to your mama.

Zac Brown - The Controversy

You usually tell everybody you like everything Zac Brown puts out no matter how he experiments, but you gave up your fan club membership and started an anti-Zac Brown Facebook page after hearing this shit.

Post Malone - Hollywood’s Bleeding

You toss around words like ‘molly’ and ‘yeet’ but your 6th grade teacher doesn’t like you to say them in class.

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This is satire. Don't take it seriously.

Idea stolen from Medium.

YeeHawChella

What Your Favorite 2018 Album Says About You 3

Brothers Osborne - Port Saint Joe

You smoke dope and vote Democrat, but don't want your dad to find out.

Morgan Evans - Things That We Drink To

Wait, who??

6ix9ine - Dummy Boy

You were fired from your job at Walgreens for having purple hair (but really it was for stealing pills).

Ghost - Prequelle

Your idea of a good time is reading about serial killers on Wikipedia. You dabbled in satanism in high school, but now are a Lutheran.

MTHRFCKR - Micro Crystals

You are too much of a hipster contrarian to admit this album doesn't actually exist. 

Eric Church - Desperate Man

You love how Eric is such a renegade and so different from all those other bro-dudes on country radio, but your favorite song of his is "These Boots." 

The Carters - Everything is Love

You will send me death threats if I say this album wasn't that good.

Eminem - Kamikaze

You are male, mid-thirties, single, and still argue with your parents over the rent for your room over the garage.

Sun Kil Moon - This is My Dinner

You are a military interrogator and this is your "favorite" only in that it is the most effective torture device to get enemy combatants to reveal information.

Greta Van Fleet - Anthem of the Peaceful Army

You are a forty-something dad who respects Led Zeppelin but doesn't really like them. Your ex-wife is still living pretty comfortably off the divorce settlement, but sells LulaRoe and essential oils on Facebook for extra cash.

Jason Aldean - Rearview Town

You didn't actually listen to the whole album, just the singles. You type things on Facebook like "Sam Hunt sucks… listen too real country like Jason Aldean an Old Dominion!"

That White Lady Calling the Cops Memes

Just My .02 on Coachella

On Coachella Culture and the "Death of Rock n' Roll"

by Robert Dean

I keep seeing these op/ed’s that all reek of the same lingo: “Rock and Roll is Dead! Bury it next to the family dog and tell all of your friends to burn their acoustic guitars, because beats are the future.” 

Repeat this tired headline, and you’ve got what’s been commented on, shared countless times across social media. Well, almost as much as people endlessly blabbering over Beyoncé’s dance-off with her sister. 

Here’s the deal about Coachella: no one who likes rock and roll in any of its various forms gives a shit about Coachella. Coachella is a festival dedicated to false idealism, ultra-PC bullshit that’s so extreme no one believes it. Look, I’m Liberal as Fuck, but what pops off at the fashion fest for people who don’t actually like music is not what the rest of the world would consider as normal – avocado toast and all.

Back in the day, the desert festival was a unique mixture of all styles of music. Now that that pop culture isn’t aligned with anything holding a guitar, all things exciting are some nerds singing over music that sounds like it was created in a Gap bathroom. Hey, that’s fine and well, but know what scene you’re trying to sell to. Someone in a flower crown typically doesn’t have their finger on the pulse of what Turnstile is up to. 

Rock and Roll needs to move back into the recesses of popular culture and rethink what it’s been doing for the last twenty years. Since Grunge, we’ve had some pretty terrible trends that spawned stuff like Creed, System of A Down, Incubus, and 21 Pilots. Nothing has guts, and all of it is wack. Given the political and social climate of the country, you’d think there has to be a few bands brewing that are capable of capturing the masses once again. It’s possible, but we have to let certain sub-sects of the genre weed themselves out. 

Besides, who wants rock music to be super popular anyhow? Do you remember when wearing a leather jacket meant you didn’t give a shit and would fight a nun over the last beer? Or when having a face tattoo meant 'stay far away?' Now your barista has a face tattoo. Rock and Roll needs to get dangerous, get mean again. Don’t worry if David Byrne or the Flaming Lips aren’t drawing what they used to. All that means is the herd is thinning, and the die-hards will get better spots at the bar. 

Riot Fest is thriving because it celebrates the diversity of the music, not relying on cheap trends. There are festivals all over the country that are as good, too. Don’t worry that Rock and Roll is ringing the death bell; it’s just going back underground where it belongs. As long as guys like JD McPherson, Dale Watson, The Shack Shakers, and Jack White are still kicking, I think we’re ok.

NFL Country Reaction Gifs

(some are from halftime shows)

That time Cole Swindell was a dancer

at the Super Bowl halftime show

When Jason Isbell decided professional football wasn't for him

When the creator of country music is really feeling confident

Tom: How'd you like that Walker Hayes 

album I recommended?

Teammate: 

One look at the country music chart and you're like...

Hey Gronk, you hear about that Sam Hunt/Luke Bryan tour?

When you read even the slightest rumor that

Chris Knight might release an album this year

Making sure everybody knows you were offended

by that country music article you read online

Best Songs of 2016: Beyond the Top 10

2016 was a bad year for music. So many legends lost. And it was a slightly down year for albums (to be fair, the past 2-3 years were so stellar, it's hard to compete and unnecessary to complain). However, it was a really good year for songs. Here are the tunes just beyond my top 10 that I feel need recognition - Look closely, some don't have videos. There are, of course, many others I enjoyed through the year, but for me this is the cream of the crop. Farce the Music's top 10 songs of 2016 will be posted tomorrow. ~Trailer

No particular order.

Blackberry Smoke (ft. Gregg Allman) - Free on the Wing


Margo Price - Hands of Time


 Erik Dylan - Fishing Alone

Jack Ingram - Blaine's Ferris Wheel


Brent Cobb - Country Bound


Charles Bradley - Changes


Rob Baird - Horses


Western Centuries - Off the Shelf

Larry Hooper - Cry Me a River

Lydia Loveless - More Than Ever

Caleb Caudle - White Dove's Wing


Sturgill Simpson - Call to Arms

BJ Barham - Water in the Well


Amanda Shires - Pale Fire


Chance the Rapper - No Problem (feat. Lil Wayne & 2 Chainz)


Randy Rogers Band - Things I Need to Quit

Kelsey Waldon - All By Myself


Beyonce w/Jack White - Don't Hurt Yourself

Gojira - Stranded


Tedeschi Trucks Band - Let Me Get By

Quaker City Night Hawks - Mockingbird

TwitterFAIL: Grammy Nominations Special Edition

**Language Warning**