The Crud Report: March 2020

ACMs Snubbed Jones, Cash, Ray Price, Says Man Who Apparently Time Traveled from the 70s

Larry Jack Pullen of West Memphis, Arkansas, who may be in possession of a device that can transport humans through time, is very upset with the Academy of Country Music awards nominations that were announced yesterday. He took to Facebook to announce his displeasure, saying “No George Jones, Johnny Cash or Ray Price. They are getting awards for ruining Country Music.” The comment was in response to a Facebook post that listed the likes of Thomas Rhett and Luke Combs as 2020 nominees.

When reached by Messenger for comment (I didn't tell him the artists he listed were no longer alive because I assumed he knew), Pullen went on a long rant about the fabric of America, smart phones, and something about “the Chinamen,” before finally getting back around to country music. 

“Riley Green, who’s she? If Johnny Paycheck isn’t up for best male artist, then what the hell is even going on? Nobody respects are elders any more and that’s why Jimmy Carter got elected.”

I asked Larry Jack if he could share the secret of time travel with me, but he said I must be on the reefer to ask something like that. “Your one of them what’s trying to make country music liberal and gay, aren’t you?” he asked. “IF YOU PEOPLE BY GOD RUIN WHAT GLEN CAMPBELL AND CONWAY TWITTY WORK EVERY DAY TO KEEP STRONG I WILL FIND WHERE YOU LIVE and you will regret it!” 

I tried to calm the conversation, but it was no use. “It’s a g***amn shame what their doing.” said Pullen, “I bet Tammy Wynette won’t even be preforming on the show, will she?” When I let him know that Wynette had sadly passed on, he told me to send condolences to her family and let him know where to send flowers. 

*this is based on a real Facebook comment (just the first one) - only the name was changed*

Jason Aldean Unsure Which Jason Aldean Song He Is Currently Performing

Midway through yet another mid-tempo rocker about partying in some country-approved locale, country star Jason Aldean reported Thursday that he is entirely unsure which song he is currently performing before a large crowd at the Charleston Coliseum. "It has a lot of rocking riffs, slamming drums, and the crowd is singing along, but I don't know what song this is," said Aldean, who added that he is confused because every song he performs is just a slightly different version of the last song.

Aldean lets the crowd take over for a few lines so maybe he'll find his spot, but to no avail. "I hear them singing 'fire in a field' and 'feet on the dashboard' but the last song had a 'fire by a truck' and 'feet in a pasture' so it's not helping any," he complained, "I'll just walk around and gesture at people in the crowd while I pretend to play my acoustic guitar for a minute."

By the time the ripping guitar solo takes center stage, Aldean is fairly sure he's figured out which Jason Aldean song he is presently supposed to be singing. "It's got to be 'My Kinda Party'... or 'Set It Off'... or 'Kick the Dust Up'... no wait that's a Luke Bryan song," fretted Aldean.

Aldean frantically searches the stage for a set list as the guitarist finishes up a slightly adjusted version of the solo from the previous song. Unable to find the schedule, Aldean just sings the lyrics from the second verse of "Just Gettin' Started" and no one even knows if it's correct or not, but it fits, and the crowd is drunk and doesn't really give a shit.

Inspired/Stolen from this Onion article.

Tim McGraw Hospitalized After Ingesting a Carb

Tim McGraw suffered a medical scare this week that has him currently recovering at Centennial Hospital in Nashville. The country star was transported by ambulance to the facility Tuesday morning, complaining of dizziness, a distended abdomen, headache, and lethargy. 

After a thorough examination, doctors determined that McGraw was suffering from a heretofore unknown condition called “carb shock.” Dr. Herbert O’Neill explained: “When a digestive system that has not been in contact with carbohydrates in a great deal of time is exposed to them, you get what Tim experienced - shortness of breath, pain, puffiness, and more. Mr. McGraw nearly lapsed into a coma but we were able to stabilize him with a protein drip.”

McGraw’s wife, country singer Faith Hill, believes the consumption of the carb was an accident. “I’m not certain, but I think a single piece of one of the kids’ Cap'n Crunch somehow fell from their bowl into Tim’s kale and meatless crumbles omelette,” said a shaken Hill. “He took a bite and immediately looked up at me with a wild, terrified look in his eyes.”

The “Live Like You Were Dying” singer, long known for his strict fitness regime and healthful eating habits, began exhibiting symptoms of carb shock within minutes. EMTs performed a stomach pump at the scene, but the carb had already done its damage. 

“Thankfully we got him in here quickly enough to avoid any lasting damage to his health or his ridiculously ripped physique.” Said O’Neill. Doctors expect a full recovery and release by this weekend but caution McGraw not to even so much as glance at a biscuit.

Alan Jackson to Release Protest Album

Country legend Alan Jackson takes his time putting out new music these days, but he’s gearing up for a surprising new release. Due May 8th, Things That Bother Me, produced by Keith Stegall, will be a departure for the long, tall singer - a protest album - and we talked with him about this unique venture.

“The Long and Short of It,” the album’s opener tackles an issue near and dear to Jackson’s heart. “You don’t know how hard it is to find 38.5 inseam jeans without having to go on the computer,” frowned Jackson, “So this song’s about that.” The tune documents and dismisses the continued discrimination of the men’s clothing industry against men with very long legs. The anger in his voice is palpable as he sings: “I looked in the Target big & tall, but 36 is all they had.”

Jackson is twice as passionate on “As God Intended,” a gospel-tinged anthem about the proliferation of craft beers. “Why can’t people just enjoy a good Bud heavy like a normal American?” he puzzled, “They got IPAs, double IPAs, triplebocks, sours, and coffee stouts out the wazzoo. Makes it hard for me to just grab my sixer and go with all the granola boys hanging over the coolers looking at their phone apps for a beer rating or something.”

While never breeching the subjects of politics or social justice, Alan does get into a controversial subject on the album’s final cut, “Sissy Basketball.” While he only played church league ball as a younger man, Jackson still laments the evolution of the NBA from the grinding defensive struggles of the 80s and 90s to today’s high-scoring finesse game. “I miss the days of Bill Laimbeer and Charles Oakley literally assaulting somebody who thought they’d get an easy layup,” he laughed, “So this song’s about that.” 

When asked if he thinks the confrontational tone of the album will turn off long time fans, Mr. Jackson simply stated “I don’t reckon.”

Track listing for Things That Bother Me:

1. The Long and Short of It

2. Beyonce Didn’t Invent Country Music

3. Electric Cars

4. As God Intended

5. Paywalls

6. No Legroom

7. Things That Bother Me

8. I Don’t Love That About You

9. Zipper Merge

10. Sissy Basketball

The Crud Report: February 2020 (a day early)

Not All Brantley Gilbert Fans Are Criminals, Says Inmate Nat Barksdale

Hancock State Prison inmate Nat Barksdale wants you to know that not all Brantley Gilbert fans are criminals. He took time out of his busy staring at the wall routine to write us a letter to that effect.

Barksdale, who in 2012 was the first Brantley Gilbert fan ever to graduate from high school, is currently serving 7 years in the Sparta, GA correctional facility for B&E and possession with intent to distribute. He expects early release in 2022 thanks to his uncle who knows some people.

In Nat’s letter, he wanted to stress that almost half of the people he knows who are fans of Gilbert’s music have never even gotten felonies. On the contrary, many of them, while not really upstanding citizens, are gainfully employed and charitable individuals. He cited his friend Clarence, who despite a warrant or two, runs a profitable automobile ‘reclamation’ business in Smyrna. Clarence raises dogs for ‘sporting events’ and even gives freely of his ‘medical supplies’ when people are in need. Impressive. 

We’ll let Nat’s letter speak for itself now:

“Look, I know your joking and everything and I even laugh sometimes when I get internet time in the library, but I think your way off base. I’ve already told you about Clarence and Walt White, but their’s one that’s a real success story. That’s my ex Jeanette (Cosby). She graduated last year while raising are daughter and has got her own hair salon down on the bypass. We never did get married and she broke up with me once the charges stuck, but I’m still real proud of her. Anyway, please tell you’re readers that at least a third of BG Nation is pretty good people.”

When reached for comment, Cosby told us she didn’t listen to Brantley Gilbert anymore and was more into EDM.

Country Festival Adds 20 Women …to Post Show Cleanup Crew

Boots and Bros, an upcoming country music festival in West Memphis, TN has taken it on the chin on Twitter due to its male-heavy lineup. Of 32 artists performing, only 2 are women, and one of those is in a male-female duo. Berk Cordero, director of the event promoter BroCore Media, said the negative social media response to the festival’s lineup has led the event to agree to add 20 women to the post-show cleanup crew.

“We want to provide opportunities for women to be a part of this great event.” smiled Cordero, “In addition to the usual contract workers we’ll have in to pick up trash, we’ll have our own all-female cleaning crew!” He went on to praise his company’s willingness to listen to criticism and to give equal opportunities to people who might not normally be a part of such an event. 

Work hours will run from 11 PM to 3 AM Friday-Sunday with a smaller crew brought in for prep each morning. Duties listed on BroCore’s Glassdoor job advertisement include: collection and transportation of trash, stage breakdown, vomit removal, packing and storing of materials, portapotty draining, portapotty hosing, portapotty loading, and other activities. Applications can be picked up at the dog track during normal hours of operation.

All the women employed on the evenings will be provided with a pink and black “Event Staff” t-shirt, temporary usage of safety flashers and a flashlight, and $7.25 an hour. “They can keep the shirt too!” beamed Cordero. “And while we ask that they turn in any valuables they recover, well, you know…things happen. Consider it a little bonus. And some will even be able to begin their work while the headliner is still on stage. Working under the stars in the spring air while Sam Hunt talk sings. What could be better than that?”

When asked if the committee would be considering adding any more women to the actual lineup of performers, Cordero responded: “LOL” (spoken aloud).

Americana Singer Dismayed to Find Out He Has a Conservative Fan

Smith Winston lead singer Chance Lipton

Americana singer Chance Lipton, lead vocalist for Smith Winston, is a proud member of the resistance. In fact, his Twitter bio openly states it, reading: “Rise and fight! If you’re a conservative, I don’t value your opinion. Lead singer of Smith Winston. He/Him.”

The reedy 26-year-old tenor has his band on the upswing, with their second album, Drumbeat of Solidarity, due in April, but a recent revelation has him rethinking his career path. “I thought I’d blocked all the mentally deficient baby cagers, but I recently received a Twitter DM that troubled me to the core.” related Lipton. “I’m literally shaking right now.”

Lipton provided us with a screenshot of the upsetting direct message, which reads as follows:

Hey Chance! I’m a big fan of Smith Winston. I’ve kept up with you guys since that EP in 2014. Saw you twice in concert. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you do have some conservative fans out here, despite your bio. I mean, I’m not crazy about Trump, but I’m certainly to the right of you and that’s cool with me. Your music is great and I can separate my beliefs from my enjoyment of art and have an open mind to your message. Take care and keep up the good work!

“My foundations were shaken by this message,” said Lipton. “How could someone who doesn’t have the same level of compassion for the world like my music? I blocked him of course.” 

Chance continued his stream of consciousness self-debate: “Have I written too many basic love songs that even one without the capacity for love could sympathize with? Am I using too little word salad? Do I need to convey more revulsion for the intolerant? Maybe I should just quit if someone with such low intellect and poor opinions has the opinion that my music is something he identifies with.”

Lipton has asked for a short leave of absence from Smith Winston while he works through his issues.

The Crud Report: January 2020

Fake News Classic: The Story Behind Luke Bryan's "Kick the Dust Up"

Story Behind the Song: Luke Bryan's "Kick the Dust Up"

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, May 26, 2015 

Luke Bryan released his next #1 smash single, "Kick the Dust Up," last week and we at Country California were very curious about the story behind this complex and original work of art. Luckily, we were able to speak with all three writers of the song as they took a break from a grueling half-hour writing session this morning. 

"It's a funny story," starts Chris DeStefano. "Dallas showed up three hours late with a bottle of Southern Comfort Caramel in one hand and his iPad in the other and said 'Let's write, bitches!'" 

Ashley Gorley apparently had a vague idea for the song going in. "Once we got Dallas seated and focused on hydrating himself a little, I told the guys what I had in mind," explains Gorley. "I said 'You know how everybody hates this bro country stuff, whatever that is? Well, how subversive and against the grain would it be to go the full bro?'" 

"I like money," Davidson reportedly replied, mopping spilled Dasani off the neck of his guitar. 

"Yeah man, let's just stick it in their faces," laughed DeStefano. 

Things went fairly smoothly as the trio settled on a theme (partying outside a small town) and started an outline of the song, but some tension arose as they pondered a direction for the second verse. "I know, I know... you know how city boys suck at being manly and partying and shit?" slurred Davidson.  "No, tell us, hillbilly," shot back DeStefano.  "I mean, no offense or nothing, but city boys... y'all ain't shit," said Davidson. "So let's just make the second verse about that." 

A brief skirmish highlighted by an armbar submission placed on Davidson by DeStefano was swiftly broken up by Gorley and the session was back on track. 

Over the next nine minutes, the masters of their craft laid out chord progressions, nailed a chorus, determined how the requisite hip-hop beat would fit, and fleshed out a more subtle version of Davidson's idea for the second verse. "I think we're done," said a jubilant and creatively fulfilled Gorley. 

"Hol' on hol' on," yelled Davidson. "It needs some lil something to make it different cause I'mma be honest with y'all, I can't tell this song from that one we wrote before lunch." "A bass drop?" offered DeStefano. "Should we get 'Yeti Cooler' in there somehow?" asked Gorley.

Gorley came up with an interesting riff that seemed to fit Davidson's description, but things got sideways again when DeStefano said he liked the Middle Eastern flair. "You mean like ISIS?" Davidson screamed, punching Gorley awkwardly in the ear. "Merica, bitches." 

When the dust finally settled, Gorley and DeStefano left the riff as it was but described it to Dallas as "Israeli-sounding" and everything was cool. 

"So that's it, just another day at the office," smiles DeStefano. "We're pretty proud of it." 

At press time, despite a bit more critical backlash than usual, "Kick the Dust Up" had debuted in the top 20 on Billboard's Country Airplay chart. 

Santa Requests Voice Messages in Lieu of Letters from Kane Brown Fans

Kris Kringle, aka Santa Claus, usually stays out of the public eye, rarely granting interviews or making public statements. Sure, his legion of helpers is out in force this time of year, taking Christmas requests in mall courtyards and smiling with crying kids on their laps, but the man himself is busy and reclusive. Therefore, his press release this year came as quite a surprise. 

We won’t post the release, but the gist of it was Santa asking Kane Brown fans to leave a voice mail of their Christmas desires rather than send letters this year. His message was direct but polite, never giving the specific reasoning behind his request, only that “these old eyes have a little trouble reading your writing.”

However, we’ve received word from an inside source that Santa’s missive was related to the undecipherable nature of the letters he received from members of the fanbase in recent years. “They looked like they were written by cavemen,” said an anonymous North Pole worker who asked us to refer to him as Toony. “Santa was all understanding and diplomatic like some fat Mr. Rogers, but I’m just gonna say those people are stupid as hell.”

Toony sent a jpeg of one letter that started “Deer Satan” written in hunting face-paint on a paper towel. Though the rest of the note was difficult to translate, it appeared the young man wanted either the game Modern Warfare or something to do with ‘model whores.’ Either request seems just as likely.

“Last year we just gave them all non-gender specific clothing and gift cards to save time because 90% of them were just scribbles and gibberish,” said Toony. “And a surprising amount of them came from prisons, or maybe not that surprising now that I’m thinking about it.”

Toony told us the voice messaging option was going fairly well so far, mostly thanks to technology. An AI listening system has been installed to take the calls and is doing an impressive job translating the yawps and grunts of the Kane Brown fans into gift requests, but he says the letters are still a running joke at Santa’s toy shop, passed around frequently by the elves. 

“One of them was clearly written in sidewalk chalk on the inside of a Playboy magazine cover,” laughed Toony. “It was obviously smeared beyond readability, but I did make out something about ‘booty shorts’…ho ho ho indeed.”

No Good Country Music Released Since ’79, Says Moron

Curmudgeonly country fan Carl Outlaw says that not a single good country song or album has been released since 1979. Despite the fact that Outlaw was born in the early 90s, he feels confident in his oblivious statement. 

“There ain’t been no good country since the heyday of Merle and Willie and Coe, and you can put that in your pipe and smoke it.” said the idiot, shuffling through his playlist that managed to exclude the likes of Johnny Cash, Dwight Yoakam, and The Judds. 

According to Carl, though not specifically mentioned, Patty Loveless sucks. He also believes, based on his time limits, that Jamey Johnson, Tyler Childers, Kelsey Waldon, and Turnpike Troubadours have all released subpar music unworthy of his attention. 

When asked about Johnny Cash’s renewed output from the nineties, he says “hipster bullshit…anything that snooty college kids like, I don’t like.” “If it doesn’t have a steel guitar, fiddle, acoustic guitars, and sad lyrics about dying of cirrhosis in a flophouse, it’s not good country,” continued Outlaw. “There have been no songs that fit that description in my entire lifetime and it makes me sad for the future of America.” 

The fool thinks Chris Stapleton and Sunny Sweeney are just awful, if we go by his own misguided cutoff date. Jason Boland and the Stragglers, Jamie Lin Wilson, Dale Watson, Cody Jinks, and Miranda Lambert are terrible as well.

When asked what he thought of Luke Bell’s self-titled traditional country gem from just a couple years ago, Outlaw replied “Luke Bryan, who’s she?”

The Crud Report: Christmas 2019 Edition

Small Town Way Sh**tier Than Country Songs Say

Auburn sophomore Paul Reynolds, home on Thanksgiving break, came to the startling realization that his hometown is way shittier than mainstream country songs say it is. In fact, just the drive back into his southern Georgia birthplace showed that it was a poorly-maintained, slowly dying crap-hole compared to the idyllic settings portrayed on the pop-country airwaves.

The old family-owned drugstore where he used to buy candy as a kid was now a payday loan with an ice cream counter. Where there wasn’t a pawn shop or high interest-rate financial scam business, there was a Walgreens or CVS. There were approximately 32 Dollar Generals. There was one Dollar General you could see another Dollar General from. Were there any Cole Swindell verses about Dollar Generals? 

Paul drove downtown, where country songs say the square is epicenter of tiny town culture. No teenagers were cruising, but there were about 5 of them in the vape shop that used to be a fancy cigar shop. He heard no bluegrass band playing on the plaza, but there were a couple of gunshots nearby. The beloved old men’s clothing store was now a hip wedding party venue for the private school set. Never heard about that in a Brantley Gilbert song.

Wednesday night, he figured he’d hit up his old high school friends to go out. Unfortunately, his buddy Matt had some sort of Facebook drama with his baby mama and couldn’t risk having his picture taken at the bar that night. Larry wasn’t home because he was in jail for selling pills. He thought about calling Kenneth, but Kenneth had a face tattoo now. Justin Moore never sang about this shit.

Throwing one last Hail Mary in an attempt to capture that throwback vibe of an Aldean tune, Paul went out and sipped a beer on a picnic table at the lake. Many a bonfire party and make-out session had taken place here, but tonight there was only one sketchy dude asking if he wanted to buy some meth. “Kiss my ass, Dustin Lynch” Paul told the confused narcotics dealer, before driving back to his folks’ house, completely sobered up. 

Mainstream Country Singer You’ve Never Heard of Announces Headlining Tour

A nondescript male who sings what they call country music these days has announced his first headlining tour. The gentleman, who recently notched his first unmemorable, inoffensive #1 hit at country radio, already has a tour bus with his generally-regarded-as-handsome-self performing, wrapped around its exterior. 

Dude’s debut single “Baby, Tonight, Yeah” hit number one on Country Aircheck in July after spending nearly a full year being pimped, prodded, and politicked to that peak. Even though his second single has been lingering in the upper-40s on the charts and not a single person outside maybe 62,000 fangirls could even pick this man out of a lineup of two people, his label thinks it’s time to take the step to playing medium sized clubs and sheds. 

Fella just came off another mildly successful tour supporting Cole Russell or Chris Tenpenny or somebody like that who also hit the top spot with their introductory big hit that neither you nor I can recall a mere 6 months after it’s ascension to the position of number one song in all of America.

“I’m just thrilled to get out there and give the fans my best,” beamed Mr. Bro-man. “We’ll play my entire EP and way too many covers and I think it’ll be a great time!” The guy’s management is busy getting all the merch ready - from throw pillows to boy shorts to beer koozies that will be sold in a yard sale next year - and they foresee big business. 

“This performer is coming off a hard-lobbied smash and it’s time to strike while at least the population of a small city knows who he is; we all know he may be playing state fairs in no time, so why not squeeze every dollar we can get out of this tall, handsome product?” laughed Jacob Dillerson, the singer’s publicist.

At press time, homeboy’s second single “Girl, My Truck Awaits” had just leapfrogged three well-written, interesting songs from women to climb into the top 40.

John Rich to Headline Christmas Tree Lighting at John Rich’s House

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, December 02, 2010 

John Rich, of Big & Rich and songwriting and solo fame, is slated to perform at and do the flip-switching honors for the Mt. Richmore Christmas Tree Lighting. The December 5th ceremony will commence with a mini-concert from Cowboy Troy, Gretchen Wilson and Kid Rock w/ Sebastian Bach. 

After igniting the resplendent purple and white LED beacons on the 20-foot Vermont balsam fir in the Mt. Richmore courtyard, superstar country singer John Rich will take the stage for a one-hour set of classic and contemporary country hits. 

Food will be available for purchase in the right atrium of the courtyard, with special guest cook Cowboy Troy grilling steaks and lobsters for guests' enjoyment. And, of course, there will be several outlets for attendees to "get their drank on." In addition to a main bar in the left atrium of the courtyard, there will also be a mini bar at the food concession and three rolling liquor carts to serve guests as they enjoy the holiday festivities. For VIP guests, there will also be drinks available in the elevator and bathrooms. 

"It's a huge honor to be at the head of the table, so to speak, for this great Christmas celebration!" beamed Rich at the press conference announcing the lighting. "Hopefully this will be an annual event... and I'd be happy to help out when I can, since it's for such a good cause." 

All profits from the concert will go to the Middle Tennessee RJRB (Replenish John Rich's Bar) Foundation and guests will receive an autographed 8x10 glossy of the country megastar wearing a Santa suit. Tickets will not be available for purchase, but Rich himself will visit local high school and community college campuses to hand out entry vouchers to "talented" students and co-eds. 

Wrapping up the press conference with a sales pitch, Rich smiled: "Come on out and celebrate Christ's holy birth, girls… uh, folks. Johnny Cash would be there if he was still alive." 

The Crud Report: November '19

Cajon Player Left in Cape Girardeau

Americana cajon player Jeff Coffee is stranded in Missouri. Formerly (?) with the band Beard Harvest, Coffee was left behind at a rest stop after a show in Cape Girardeau 8 months ago, and to date has not heard from a single member of the band.

From the moment the band’s Econoline pulled away from the Fruitland southbound rest stop on February 25th, Coffee was completely abandoned. “I don’t have any of those guys’ phone numbers,” he frowned. “Not even the bass player…. So I couldn’t call anybody to come back and get me; I just assumed they’d notice by the time they hit the Arkansas line at least.” 

Sadly, the up-and-coming roots rock group’s van never returned. Jeff, for his part, has moved on with his life, starting from scratch in the small river town. “I slept behind the Coke machines that night; damn it was cold,” he related. “But by the end of the next day I already had a job at the quick stop and a cot behind the beer cave.” 

Coffee has since put his college degree in education to use, getting a job as a music teacher at the middle school, and is even dating. “I know - it’s a bizarre story - one of the key members of a rising band just left in the middle of nowhere and starts a brand new life.” he smiled. When asked if he’s kept up with Beard Harvest in recent months, he just shakes his head solemnly. “I really don’t know how they’ve made it without me, I hope they’re doing well.”

When contacted on their brand new tour bus before the first night of their 3 sold out Ryman performances, Beard Harvest lead singer Conn Whitaker asked “Who?” regarding the cast-off percussionist.  “I didn’t know we had a full time cajon player; we’ve just been getting a random fan to play at shows - it’s not like it’s hard.”

Thomas Rhett to Dress Up as Country Singer For Halloween

Pop singer Thomas Rhett is looking for a costume for a Halloween party this weekend. He’s already chosen the theme - country singer - but he’s searching for the perfect presentation, visiting thrift stores and western wear outlets across Nashville. 

“I did a Google image search for ‘country singer’ and it came back with lots of western hats and boot-cut jeans and stuff,” says Rhett. “That’s so foreign to me - it’s always enlightening to see how other cultures live!” He tries on a huge foam cowboy hat but quickly returns it to the rack. “If they had it with a flat brim maybe.”

Rhett’s day to day wardrobe usually includes hip t-shirts, fitted pants, and high-dollar sneakers while his stage presence leans more toward tropical wear, varsity jackets, and custom denim. The aesthetics of country music fashion are a world away from his typical flair, but he’s digging it. “Ha, they call this a nude suit, I believe,” laughs Thomas, holding up a rhinestone and flower covered blue jacket. “I think old country dudes like Jeb Pierce and Porter Ladner used to wear these… such swag!”

After a couple of hours, Rhett has narrowed his selections down to an all black Johnny Cash-inspired ensemble or a Hank Sr. style outfit. “Did you know Hank had a father who was also a country singer?” asks Rhett. 

Still undecided at press time, Rhett seems excited about the impact he’ll make when he steps into the party as someone so different from himself. “They won’t even recognize me.”